Head's about to blow off with stress!

fireytiger

I feel like such a dweeb, lol! I went into my reception venue today to talk over contract details with the new venue coordinator, and I'm so frazzled from everything i've had to do lately that I FORGOT half of the questions I had! ARGH! It might not even be as bad if the venue weren't almost an hour away from my apartment...

I keep flip flopping between feeling like I've got things under control, to getting excited about how close it's getting, to panicking about how everything will get done! It's 2 and a half months away, still quite a bit of time, but i'm in full blown "OMG OMG OMG" mode lol!

FI got a facebook message today from my estranged Aunt S, my mom's sister. Apparently she was trying to add me on facebook but I've got it locked down tight. This brought me back to being upset about how my relationship with my mom is pretty much demolished beyond any full repair. It also upsets me because after all these years, back in September I made contact with my mom's family again, and they want to be a part of my life. I FINALLY am able to talk to my mom's side of the family and get to know them, something I've always wanted. And I'm getting married in 2 and a half months so I want to invite them. BUT, the reason they're estranged family, is because my mom is BSC and cut them out of her life for imagined slights against her. Once I hit about 8 or 9 years old, she forbade me from ever speaking to any of them, even though they sent me gifts and money for birthdays and christmas. I know if they're invited they would probably make the effort to come to my wedding, but my mom will go ballistic. So I'm torn, and all the advice is torn 50/50 too, between "You shouldn't invite them because of your BSC mom" and "You should invite them and to hell with what your mom says/does".

Sooo, overall, situaion normal: All F*ed up. lol Any advice would be appreciated!

gupsmom

I'm going to be in the 50% of advice you're already getting.  I say do what you want, this is YOUR day.  If family members can't put their differences aside for a few hours out of ONE day then it's their loss.  Invite who you want.  If they get pissy, ask them to leave.   It seems that your mom is the majority of the issue - if you're on speaking terms tell her you are inviting YOUR family, all of your family and if she doesn't choose to come then she will be the one missing out.  You have every right to have whoever you want there.  Don't let one person, regardless of who they are, ruin your day or make you miserable.  I understand how touchy the "mother/daughter" relationship can be but look at the big picture;  You only get married for the 1st time once and all family deserves to be a part of it. 

lindaloulubbock

I absolutely feel your pain.  I have a very similar situation with my mom and her two sisters.  One of my cousin's ended up getting involved (not a good thing) and my mom demanded I invite them so it wouldn't be her fault I did NOT invite them. :S

Terror about what will happen if they show up is way high on my list of wedding stress!  

Sue-n-Kevin

I'm sorry your head is going to blow off due to stress. Family issues tend to be the biggest aggravation surrounding weddings.

My advice is this: do some significant soul searching and see what your insides tell you. The fact that your Mom's side of the family has NOT been part of your life so far, does not mean they cannot be part of your life in the future. However, your wedding day may not be the perfect time to try to kiss and make nice. It's supposed to be a happy, blessed occasion. My eternal desire is for peace at all times, all costs, in my home (aside from abuse, but that's another story). There is no reason they can't be part of your future.............you can even call the times before when you were not speaking "BW" (before wedding).

You may have different thoughts, which after you do your soul searching, should help you.

Marrin713

Family dynamics  Don't know what to say about your problem Firey except as Sue wrote - search inside yourself.  It really seems like it could be a lose-lose situation, so I would say go with the option that'll leave the least collateral damage.  It's too bad that you are in this position.

rapunnzzll

Marrin and Sue are right, do some soul searching.  It is a very difficult situation that only you can decide.  I can't imagine the added stress on your wedding day if you are worried about something that might happen.  Good luck in making your decision.

fireytiger

Thanks all! It's stressful, because I've been talking with my mom's family since like September of last year, and I am really happy to have them in my life finally. They seem really close to each other and loving, all the things my mom swore they weren't. The really sad part is, they're not upset with her and they don't want her out of their lives, it's the other way around. My mom is mentally unstable, so she thinks everyone who truly cares about her is "evil", and tends to go insane and make scenes over the most ridiculous things. So she took a few times in her childhood when she was punished (what kid isn't?), and some times when her siblings picked on her (what sibling doesn't?), and blown that into "They are all evil horrible people". She forbade me from speaking to them all through my upbringing, I would get presents and money for birthday and christmas and she would forbid me from thanking them. I suggested inviting them to my high school graduation and she didn't speak to me for days over it.

Overall, I'm kinda concerned (especially now that my aunt S is on my facebook page) that if I don't invite them after reaching out to them and getting them all back in touch with me, then it may be seen as hurtful or a slight against them. After all, my grandparents would probably not make it as they are elderly and living on a very tight budget all the way in Arizona. But my two aunts live within 6 hours' drive from here so they could (and probably would) go. I want them there. I'm not inviting them out of some misguided feeling of guilt, I do honestly want to invite them. But I'm so scared about how my mom will act... although not inviting them won't guarantee that she won't make a scene at the wedding anyway. It's just that if I DO invite them, that will guarantee exactly what will cause her scene-making.

The real irony is, the one person in the world I DON'T want there is my mom, as awful as that sounds, lol. I would almost rather have my ex husband there over my mom, if I had to choose. She was abusive to me and has said and done some very horrible things all throughout my life. I've reached out to her so many times to try and fix the relationship, blaming myself for the problems, but each time she turns around and backstabs me, causing me more pain. The little bit of talking we do has to be coaxed by my dad (who doesn't particularly like my mom either but tolerates her because he feels responsible for her), and it's usually about the weather or something. It's also usually on holidays or something, out of obligation. My dad is bringing her despite my objections, despite the fact that he doesn't necessarily want her there either, but because his mom will go ballistic if she's not invited.

Lisa50

I wonder, have you actually decided to invite your mother to the wedding (I cannot tell from the posts)?  It seems like you might be wavering ... and that is a good reason for some soul searching.  Bottom line, please don't do anything that might add negative stress to the wedding day.  

As you know, I sincerely believe one's head can blow off when too much internal stress is applied.  Take some deep breaths.  Hang in there!

fireytiger

Oh no, I didn't want to invite her at all. Like I said, she's the last person in the world I would want there because of all the abuse throughout my life at her hand, and the fact that she relishes causing huge embarrassing scenes at my most important life events (my high school graduation was a perfect example, she tried to pull me out of the procession line and when I wouldn't come talk to her in the middle of the ceremony because I kinda couldn't, she stands up and screams in front of everyont that i'm an f*ing b*ch. Can't imagine why I wouldn't want her at my wedding...). My dad, however, told me he is bringing her anyway, and told me that I'll just have to deal with it. Not because he wants her there, but because he just wants to avoid the eventual headache he'll have from my grandma jumping on his case if he doesn't bring her.

So i've already been peeved about that, but now I feel like I can't invite people who are a part of my FAMILY whom I love and actually want there, because everyone (including myself) agrees, it will be the cause of my mom going ballistic. But it's BS, I shouldn't have to leave out loved ones that I want there because someone I DON'T want there is coming anyway. On one hand I feel like, who gives a crap what she thinks or what she does? But on the other hand, I wonder if it might make ME look bad, because most of the people coming know that my mom hates her family, so they might see it as in poor taste on my part for inviting them, knowing it'd upset her? I don't know.

To be honest, I know it sounds awful for me to talk about my mother this way, because she is the one who gave birth to me. But a lot of that is because I am ANGRY, not only about how she's treated me, but also because of how everyone seems to think that I should bend over backwards for her, even to my own detriment, because she's my mother. I'm christian, so of course I hear the "You have to honour thy mother Angie!" lecture ALL THE TIME. Apparently according to them, 'honouring thy mother' means allowing your mother to treat you like garbage and then kissing her @ss in gratitude for it, because if I even object a little bit to how she acts and treats me, I get jumped on by people for it. So I don't know. I'm almost to the point that I don't care what people think of me anymore, even family and friends, because I'm just sick of it.

You all are right about me needing to do some soul searching, and I have for many years about this. My heart is telling me to listen to my self preservation instincts, and keep my mother away from me to protect myself. But it's also telling me that I have family and loved ones now that deserve to be a part of my life. Right now though, I'm being told that I can't do either thing, that I have to have my mother there on a day that I will be most vulnerable, and that I'm not allowed to have the people I love there because it'd upset my mom.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_heads-blow-off-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:217e631d-0dce-4e74-8fae-d32a07dec04aPost:b58e0a22-3f6f-4f05-91ed-2c94733e2139">Re: Head's about to blow off with stress!</a>:
[QUOTE] My heart is telling me to listen to my self preservation instincts, and keep my mother away from me to protect myself. But it's also telling me that I have family and loved ones now that deserve to be a part of my life. Right now though, I'm being told that I can't do either thing, that I have to have my mother there on a day that I will be most vulnerable, and that I'm not allowed to have the people I love there because it'd upset my mom.
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]

Go with your heart.  Obey your self-preservation instincts.  To me, it feels as if you may be putting too much weight on the opinion of people who do not fully understand or appreciate what you have been through.  I don't know.

For those who insist your mother should/must attend the wedding, ask them this, "<em>Why should I invite someone, anyone, who has abused me</em>?"  Preface your question by letting them know that "because she's your mother" is not a good enough response.  Then wait, patiently, for a thoughtful answer.  It will be interesting to see what they come up with.

Good luck.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  (((HUGS)))

fireytiger

Thanks Lisa. I went to a clinical social worker/therapist last year for about half the year, to try and deal with some of the lingering issues from my mom and some of the damage done to my life. I had to stop going due to money issues, but one thing she noticed often was that I was constantly freaking out about what everyone else thought I should be doing, or I would preface everything with "I should want ____" or "I should do ____" or I should feel ___" etc. She tried to get through to me that that is why i'm so hung up in my life, and why I feel like i'm spinning my wheels, because I'm too caught up in what is expected of me and what everyone else wants (the "I should"s). She felt that instead, I should decide for myself what I want, not what I think I should want to do because of what others think. Obviously, I still never got over that.

 Unfortunately my family is all stubborn, so asking them why they think my mother deserves to be there wouldn't amount to anything but more bickering. And even if I can get them to a point where they claim my mom won't be brought along, they'll likely just show up the day of with her tagging along anyway, and blow my objections off with "Well, she's your mother and she's here now, so just deal with it." My dad's always been kind of an overbearing jerk, he does what he feels like and everyone else can deal with it. So, I think unless my mom decides on her own she won't come, she'll be brought along. Sigh.

right1thistime

Write me a paragraph about what you WANT to do.  I forbid you to write what you SHOULD do.  I forbid you to write what other people WANT YOU to do.  I forbid you to write what will happen if you do what you want. 
Then read what you wrote, and write a paragraph about how you and your fi can make that happen. 
Victims of abuse endure incredible amounts of self neglect in order to not incur the wrath of their abusers. To me- letting your father tell you that your abusive mother who has a high likelihood of disrupting your wedding will be in attendance to keep HIM out of hot water is as covertly abusive as your mother is overtly abusive.  My advice, tell him clearly that she is not invited, that if she shows up you have bouncers ready to remove her, and that if she sabotages your wedding you will call the police.  The only defense against crazy is firm, clear boundaries. If your father cannot attend because he is unwilling to stand up to your mother or grandmother, that is his pathology, and there is no heed for you to make it yours.  If your mother's family bring you joy, why should you exclude them to include someone whose track record indicates that she will bring you pain. 
You deserve to be happy.  God wants you to be happy, and gave you the free will to make the choice to be happy.  Honoring your mother's illness is not honoring your mother. ~Donna

fireytiger

Retread, basically the biggest stressor at the moment with the wedding is definitely this family idiocy. Sometimes it's tempting to just say screw it and cancel the whole thing so I don't have to deal with that, but I know I'd regret it. Not that i'd regret my marriage to my FI or anything, but I think I would feel like I cheated myself out of something I really wanted. I'm not even asking for much, just a wedding in my lovely church with FI, our closest (50 or so) family and friends in attendance, and some dinner and dancing in a nice hall afterward.

Honestly, thinking back through every time I've been stressed about wedding stuff, it's almost always been something a family member (either mine or FI's) caused, regardless of whether or not we've told them our wedding plans. Believe it or not, I don't even talk about my wedding plans much except for on the forums. It's always been "This person wasn't invited so i'm going to pitch a fit about it!" or "Our family does things THIS way and so you have to do it that way whether you want to or not!" etc. For the most part the peanut gallery has died down on FI's side, but on my side it's still a mess as you can see.

Right1, you're absolutely right that my dad is being just as abusive as my mom. He always has been a big bully, so this isn't out of character behavior for him. The rest of the family isn't necessarily bullies, but they do nag at me often about what they think my relationship should be with my mom, because while they know my mom is a nutter, I'm not sure they fully believe that she is, if that makes sense? Everyone else is like "Well she's your mother, so for better or worse she's going to be at your wedding, and you'll just have to deal with that. Don't make it worse for yourself by inviting her family and guaranteeing a scene."

As for your request, to write a couple of paragraphs about what I want, and not what everyone else wants, I will do that shortly in another post. Don't want to make this one into a monstrosity.

fireytiger

I want to have a lovely wedding day to the man of my dreams whom I've always waited for. I want the people most important in MY life there, ALL of them, if possible (we're talking like 20-30 people?). I want to get to know my mom's family more, I'm really glad that I reached out to them after all these years of not knowing. I would like to invite them to the wedding. I want to be happy and not have to worry about other people and their behavior. I DON'T want my mother at my wedding. As much as it is painful to admit, she is the mother who gave birth to me, but she is not a mom in any other sense. She does not deserve to be honoured as such, and I don't want her to be. I don't want to have to keep bending over backwards to make everyone else happy instead of myself. I want to get my marriage started off on the right foot. Also, I want our wedding to be non-alcoholic like we planned.

Well first off, I've invited the people I really want there with the exception of my mom's family, so at this point all I can do is wait for their replies. I will keep planning my wedding as I have been, hopefully getting everything taken care of ASAP instead of procrastinating and causing myself more stress. I will start calling my mom's family a little more often, I've been bad about it because things have been crazy lately. I will likely invite them to the wedding. I will let my pastor, church coordinator, and reception hall coordinator know about who the potential troublemakers will be, so they will know who to watch out for and remove if necessary. That way I won't have to worry that someone is going to act out and ruin the day, because I know all of those people run a tight ship and won't tolerate any BS. I also have some trusted friends and family who know the people to look out for and try to keep under control (they volunteered for this duty).

I am going to call my dad and tell him that my mom is not invited. I can't prevent him from bringing her to Kansas City, and I'm not going to have them both bounced out just for her showing up despite my wishes. But if she does come anyway, she will be there as a guest only, not as the mother of the bride. And at the first sign of any nonsense, she will be gone. Also, I'm going to tell him during this phone call that our wedding is non-alcoholic, period. We're not going to have a cash bar so he can buy some booze just for his drinking buddies who decided to accept their invitations. I want to have those friends there as they are family to me, but if they can't handle being sober for a whole 4 or 5 hours then they can go somewhere else to get their booze on. I'm not going to have alcohol provided for some people and not others, and I'm not going to ask people to pay for their own booze.

FI has been supportive of all these decisions, and he has told me that whatever I decide, he will stand behind me. That's how I know I've got the right one, and we're starting our marriage on the right foot, as a united front.

right1thistime

Bravo. 

Lisa50

You go, girl!

lindaloulubbock

Awesome!

MikesAngie

As an abuse survivor I know first hand about creating clear and consise boundaries - I also know that it is difficult to do.  Good for you for setting your boundaries and establishing how your day will be!  And for having people in place that will help ensure that your day happens your way!

I'm sorry that I hadn't see this thread sooner.  But you did receive sound advice!

fireytiger

That's okay Angie, I appreciate the encouragement.

In better news, yesterday I went to my friends' house and tried my dress on again, it fits perfectly, not a single alteration needed! I personally want to lose at least 5 pounds or so, because I felt like the undergarments were slightly tight, but that's mostly personal preference. I actually wore it around her apartment for like an hour or so, sitting down, walking around, etc. and it was fine. So excited!

MikesAngie

Good for you!