Inviting X to second wedding?

M&Mf4me

Okay, I know this is a foreign idea, and at first I bristled at the thought of it.   My fiancee actually brought it up.  He felt it would be good for the children.  He is probably right, and I asked the kids they all shrugged.  Ours was not an "easy" and amicable divorce, to this day it still isn't totally friendly.  He is a decent enough fellow he won't be ugly or rude.  He is well aware of the impending wedding and will probably happy he won't have to pay the alimony any more.

So I guess all this is to ask has anyone ever seen this done or considered it?

Some thoughts everyone, Believe me I've thought lots about it, but someone may come up with a perspective I haven't considered.

Thanks,

Shell

arv266

I had briefly considered this, but then decided to not invite the x.  We share custody of the children, and we both worked very hard to make a smooth transition into divorce for the kids.  However, the reality is, he is my x for a reason.  He and I don't see eye to eye on anything, as as amicable we are in front of the kids, he is truly not a person that I consider to be my friend.  He is not at all fond of my family, and the feeling is mutual.

He's not attended any other events in my life, and it didn't seem right that he attend this one.  I had thought of inviting him for the kids, but I realized that this day is about me and my FI, not for our children.  There are birthdays and events in their lives that he is invited to.

hsbstone

FI and I have an excellent relationship with my ex; we spend some holidays  and birthdays together, and FI and he go to games together along with my sons; it is like he is an old family friend and not my ex husband.Our divorce was as amicable as it can be .He teased Fi and sent us a congratulation card when he learned about the engagement. But I still don't feel comfortable enough to invite him. Is like arv266 said...this day is about me and FI, and I would like to keep it like this.

melissamc2

SOMEONE will have hurt feelings, even if it is never voiced aloud.

Maybe it works for some, but I still believe there are a lot of unspoken emotions involved that could be avoided easily enough.

Kids can have it made perfectly clear that everyone is ok with the situation without it being done at the wedding.  We have vacationed with my ex and spent a lot of time together, including family holidays.  The wedding, though, that's for us - it's about our love between one another. 

 My divorce was not wanted by my ex husband and I know that it would hurt him very much to watch me marry my fiance.  I have no desire to do that to him, even though I know he'd come and try to get through it as best he could.  Just because something can be done, doesn't mean it should be. That's just me, though.  If you think it can work for everyone, do it.

LesPaul

It's up to you, your FI and him.  Personally, there is no way on Earth that either my or DH's exes would be anywhere near our wedding.  Ever.  However, there were numerous members of my ex's family who attended, because they are important family members to me and my daughters.  Go with what suits your circumstances - there are no rules.

ltyka

I admire both of you for even considering it.  But your kids will be okay.  This is your day.  You don't need ANY leftover emotions interfering with your moment.  Like Melissamc2 said, there will be hurt feelings.  I admire the sentiment but vote 100% NO to inviting your ex.

wwnbw

ummm i thnk it is very strange. VERY! i would never let my ex come and i wouldn't be marrying FH if he wanted his to come.

2dBride

My ex-husband and his sister were at our wedding.  In fact, he gave the blessing over bread after the ceremony.  And he joked that he should have been the one to give me away.

However, our divorce was a long time ago (1996), and it was about as amicable as these things can be.  My wife met him the first time she came to visit me, and she could tell from the beginning that I wasn't carrying a torch for him.  Our two adult children together were our attendants.

So, it's really a question of how you and your FI feel about it.  You are not obligated to have him there if it would be unpleasant for you.  However, if it doesn't bother you and the kids would like it, then it's not "weird."

nmauser82

It really depends on your situation. I would be concerned with two things. 1. how will you really feel and react when you walk down the aisle and see him sitting on the side? and 2. how will he react and feel?

I personally would never consider this with my ex husband. I also know for a fact that he would never consider attending. He would take an invitation as a slap in the face and an insult.

My ex boyfriend before my ex husband however, was invited to my first wedding. We get along great and have been friends for years. He didn't attend because he was out of the country though.

So it depends on the family dynamic and how such an invitation would be recieved.

Lisa50

My ex-husband and I are co-parents, not friends or family.  We're only inviting close friends and family to the wedding.  So ... no, I will not invite my ex-husband to my wedding.

melliott09

Wouldn't even consider it whatsoever! We are on friendly terms (because we live on different coasts and haven't seen each other then over 4 years) but even if he lived in the same state, I may ask him to come pick up the kids later in the evening, but only if he had a routine of seeing them, which he doesn't.

flyjawn

i absolutely will invite my ex.  i don't know if he will come as it's out of town but i would have no problem having him and his girlfriend at our wedding.  my first marriage feels like a million years ago.  

i also think it would be nice for my kids to see us all supporting each other.

vice versa, i would be very hurt if he didn't invite me to his wedding. 

angielambert

I think it takes a very unique relationship on all sides to be able to invite him.  The problem is that as you are reciting your vows, it could stir up old memories and turn into something that is more hurtful to him than not getting an invite in the first place.

AbbeyS2011

Only invite to your wedding those you know will support you and your FI in your marriage, and who want to share in your joy.  If you and your ex are not on the best of terms, then I would advise against it.  It may also send a confusing message to your children, who see and hear alot more than we realize.

This will be my 2nd wedding, my FI's 3rd.  I have absolutely no contact with my ex, and my sons call my FI "Daddy", and the three of them plan to make it official after the wedding - he will be adopting them.  As for my FI's ex, he still talks to her from time to time, but I will not be extending an invite to her.  I like one of the PPs, which said something about an ex is not friend or family, so not invited.

tchurch7

LOL...  My fiances Ex asked to be invited to our wedding.  She told his teenage son that she is expecting her invitation...I laughed so hard whenI heard that.  Then I asked my MC who is also my soon to be brother in law He laughed and said that if she is there there goes all his material!!!  No freaking way!! Yes it might be easier for the kids but not really beacuse they could over hear people asking way they are there. which in the end could be more hurtful.

SueR13

Judging from the OP's post, it doesn't sound like you're close enough to really need to have your ex at your wedding.

I got married a week and a half ago and we had DH's ex at our wedding. We've been very close for the past 6 years or so. Like another poster said, she feels more like his former sister-in-law (in terms of relationships) than his ex-wife. She, her new husband, her sister and her entire family were all at our wedding and for us, it wasn't weird at all.

On the other hand, in a million years I'd never have considered inviting my ex.

336339

Absolutely not.  Not unless she is a part of your lives now.  But really not even.  This is about your marriage to this man, not about the fact that he is divorced and gets along fabulously with his ex-wife.