To invite or not to invite

nmauser82

Hello ladies, I have a problem and It seems like you are the best group of people to give me some advice.

My former best friend and I had a falling out over my divorce. Long story short, I was emotionally abussed by the ex and kept it to myself out of shame. She was angry that I didn't confide in her about how I was feeling and decided that I was throwing away my marriage.It was further complicated by the fact that when I married my ex, she and I became family due to our husbands being related. He even stayed with them for a few months after the divorce and filled her head with god only knows what. I felt and still feel like she sided with him in the divorce. She was completely unsupportive when I needed her the most.

 When I became involved with my fiance and moved away from our hometown to be with him, she called him horrible things and said that he was stealing her best friend away. Its been a year since I moved and contact between us has been limited to a few posts on facebook.

Now my fiance and I are making our save the date cards for our wedding next year. Even after all of this, its hard for me to let go of this friendship. It really hurts that she reacted that way to my divorce and I want things to be the way they were years ago. I'm torn. I want to invite her because she was my best friend. She was my maid of honor the first time around, and I know that If I don't invite her, it will be the provobial nail in the coffin to our friendship.

On the other hand, I can't wrap my head around the idea of inviting someone to our wedding who is so unsupportive of my relationship and my life. No matter how close we used to be.

I guess I'm not really asking what to do, because I already know that I won't be inviting her. This is our day, the begining of our new life together and someone who doesn't support that shouldn't be there.  I guess I don't really know what I'm asking. For reasurance maybe? To know that I'm not alone? I'm just sad at the loss of the friendship and planning my wedding without my former best friend seems very strange. She was there for every part of the process last time.

 I miss her, but I can't fully forgive her.

geordieboysgirl

I am sorry for your loss. It's hard to let go. Any one who is divorced can understand that. Probably the only thing you can ever be really sure of it that things will change. Moving on from this relationship seems like a good change. Since her husband and your ex are related she will always side with you ex and thus her husband.
CCH

deepcovejackie

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I know how you feel, same thing happened to me with my former best friend.  She has not real contact in my life at this point.  Weirdly, I just got an email from her asking all about wedding plans.  Might be because save the dates just went out...

I say move on in a positive way with your new life, and surround yourself with folks that make you feel good about yourself and are supportive of the relationship.  Congratulations to you both.

sweetviolet

I, too, am sorry to hear that you've gone through this with your best friend. It sounds, though, like you're not quite ready to give up on the friendship. If this is the case, try focusing on repairing your relationship with her first without mentioning the wedding, and just see where things go. You're not getting married until next spring, so there's definitely time to invite her later if your relationship with her improves. And if it doesn't and the friendship dies out, at least you know that made the effort to salvage things with her and you won't wonder 'what might have been.'

Keep in mind too - you might have to be the one who extends the olive branch. This may feel backwards since she was the one who was angry with you in the first place, but she also may be feeling regret over her past actions and just might not know how to initiate a reconciliation with you.

FWIW - my best friend's husband and my ex are brothers, and my divorce from my ex was less than amicable (to put it nicely). Neither my best friend nor her husband sided with my ex - they actually sided with me. My point being - just because she's related by marriage to your ex does not necessarily mean that she will always 'side" with him because of the family relationship. GL! 

right1thistime

I agree with Violet.  If you miss her, and think you might be able to repair the friendship- make the first move.  IF she rebuffs you, or is cool or too busy - you know that there will be no saving this friendship.  If you can rebuild the friendship, then you can invite her the traditional 8 weeks before the wedding.  Long before save the dates were invented, people were able to find time to prioritize a wedding that they wanted to attend. ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

I've had battles with best friends and made up. I have one best friend, from high school, who just stopped responding to my calls (this was way before email). She's kind of "high and mighty", and I have no intention of trying to rekindle. I have REAL friends, and those are the ones coming to my wedding.

If you don't know how she'd respond, then I'd probably let it go. The fact she is close to your ex means whatever she knows, HE knows. Focus on your other friends & family. Sometimes thing are not repairable.

Good luck.

SweetAmy33

Congrats to you for getting out of an abusive relationship!!!!

I can relate to your situation, for me I recently separated from best friend since Jr. High school. We helped each other through the toughest times and got closest as we were both divorced around the same time and as single moms really backed each other. I intorduced her to her now husband through a guy i was dating but when the relationship I was ended, she ceased contact with me. There was no fight, no blame made (as I still talk to the guy I dated, it ended amicably) she just moved a town over and changed her numbers and didnt think to call anyone, even me with her new info. She dropped every friend she had.

Now Im engaged to a man we both new, a longtime friend, and I so wish I could tell her and share it all with her but after a failed attempt to reach out to her, I've given up and accepted that the friendship ran its course. I still miss her but I know Ive done all I can.

If you feel that you've done all you can to save the friendship then just walk away. Please know that there is a reason for everything and you deserve friends who will back you up and be there when you need them!

Danielle&Nanne

I know that you feel some sort of attachment to this person who has said horrible things to both you and to your fiance.  I wouldn't consider your former best friend a friend at all.  Friends are the people that love you and want to celebrate the fact that you're getting married; anyone who thinks less than that doesn't deserve an invitation, IMO.

I think the question you need to ask yourself Do you really want someone that feels that way, no matter on what level, at your wedding?  I know I am not inviting anyone that doesn't wholeheartedly supports both me and my fiance.