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Second Weddings

People think I shouldnt be allowed a full wedding....because its a second marriage.

Okay... I am a little bummed.  My fiance and I are newly engaged- to where not all family even knows yet.  (we tell them at dinner tomorrow!)  I have told a few trusted friends and siblings. And so far the response has been the exact same- that since this is my second marriage, I shouldnt do a full wedding- and it needs to be small, and on a beach somewhere.  I feel so down.  Is this going to be everyone's response?  
My first wedding- was so bad- I cried the entire time- I had horrible bridesmaids that didnt want to have anything to do with me- my family wasnt there- it was honestly- ugly :(  And my fiance- has never been married and wants a wedding.  He wants all his friends and family to be there.  And I have two young kids that want to dress up, party and dance... 

Anyone else running into this judgement?  What would be a good reponse to people- I hate feeling like I have to instantly "defend" myself or our plans.  I kind of want to cry.  I dont want this experience to be ruined for Brad just because of my past... 

thanks guys. 
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Re: People think I shouldnt be allowed a full wedding....because its a second marriage.

  • First of all congrats on your engagement. Unfortunately you are going to get that from a lot of people. I did. Particularly from the folks who you really didn't think it would come from. It was a let down at first but TK really helped me thorugh this. I could talk wedding stuff all day long and everybody was supportive and interested in my planning. Ultimately it is you and your FI's day so plan the wedding that you both want. The others you invite have the option to come or not. Good luck.
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  • Thank you very much!  It was bad because the first three people I told- my sister- who I planned to ask to be my MOH, said we should do a beach wedding not a full wedding because I was married. Then my other best friend- said the same exact thing. Then I told my brother and he said he doesnt believe in marriage and my first marriage supports that thought. Gee thanks Bro.  I stopped telling people after that :(
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  • Congrats on your engagement!  You certain CAN have whatever kind of wedding you want.  You can wear white, and a veil if you wish; you can register for gifts and have showers and bachelorette parties if they are offered; you can invite whoever you want even if they attended your first wedding.   People who think you somehow don't "deserve" a second wedding are living in a different century than the rest of the world.

    If people don't support you, then just don't talk about wedding stuff with them.   It's as easy as that.  
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  • I'm having my fairy tale wedding...and it is my second wedding. I don't care what anyone thinks about that.... It's is FIs first wedding and we both deserve what we want... It's our wedding, not anyone elses. Have it the way y'all want.
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  • Do what you and your FI want to do!  I think sometimes people are a little judgemental and somewhat jealous (you were able to find love not once but twice...some people never get the first time!)  

    I expected my mother to be so excited for me when I told her I was going to get married again.  Instead, she began with "Well, make sure you do something small because you've already been married".  Huh?  And?  Well, I left it alone and just went ahead with my plans.  Can't wait to have my beautiful wedding in January, which will be the total opposite from the first one.  

    Be excited...don't let anyone's thoughts or opinions bother you, as difficult as it may be.  Just enjoy your engagement and the decisions that you and your FI will be making about your big day.  Good luck and happy planning!
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  • Congratulations!!!

    Agree with PPs. It's your day - you and your FI, and you deserve to have the day you both want.

    When I told my mother about our engagement, she mumbled something about me "suffering the same as everyone else," and "why shouldn't I be as stupid as the rest of the world." Thanks mom. I don't talk wedding with her. All I wanted was to hear a simple congratulations, and that it was about time I had something to look forward to after many hard years.

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  • Thank you so much everyone!! It is so nice to see there are people on here I can actually talk to without the judgement!!!   I seriously already feel so much better!!!!!!!
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  • Our situation was different than yours, my husband had been married twice before, it was my first wedding. Maybe because I was the girl in this scenario there was less grief, I'll never know. I never heard any complaints or negative comments from my husband's family, the family that attended two very small wedding celebrations for him previously. Nor did I hear any from my friends or family, in spite of the fact I was 56 when I married for the first time, had 2 kids,  and in some circles shouldn't have planned anything elegant.

    People on this board have heard it all, been through all types of responses from family members and friends. It's a great place to vent or get advice to help you cope.

    Read the "it's normal" post at the top of this board, and remember that what you plan should only really matter to you and your fiance. It's your first marriage to each other and should be what you want and can afford. Don't let the naysayers get you down.

    Good luck. Looking forward to hearing all your plans.
  • Congratulations!  You can have the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. When someone says something negative about it you can give them an icy stare and then tell them that their love and support means so much to you - or it's your money and you'll have the wedding you want.  If a vendor is nasty take your money else where that is what I did. 
  • I am glad I happened upon this board. This will be my 2nd marriage and his 1st. At first before I even met him, I imagined it would be a small affair, with maybe 1 attendant each. I was first married at the age of 21 back in 1999 (divorced 3 years ago) and due to me being in ND at the time & the wedding in MI, I think my mom did most of the planning.

    This time around, the man is right, I don't want to short him on the experience of a wedding. We have 3 attendants each and are planing for 175-200 people so its pretty much normal size. My grandma (who is 97) is the only one who balked at me wearing white. When in fact last time it was a dark cream color and this time a pale ivory. (but I digress) I am fortunate to be welcomed into family and friends who know I was married before but don't ask questions and don't judge. I have truly been blessed in that regard. It's been really exciting looking and planning and getting excited to do things MY way! (lol....ok....our way....)
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  • stina&bradstina&brad member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_people-think-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-a-full-weddingbecause-its-a-second-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:26e97e26-6c4e-498d-8f16-cdaa71fe5b13Post:500d5358-01c2-4b60-b5b4-6696c70f7e30">Re: People think I shouldnt be allowed a full wedding....because its a second marriage.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am glad I happened upon this board. This will be my 2nd marriage and his 1st. At first before I even met him, I imagined it would be a small affair, with maybe 1 attendant each. I was first married at the age of 21 back in 1999 (divorced 3 years ago) and due to me being in ND at the time & the wedding in MI, I think my mom did most of the planning. This time around, the man is right, I don't want to short him on the experience of a wedding. We have 3 attendants each and are planing for 175-200 people so its pretty much normal size. My grandma (who is 97) is the only one who balked at me wearing white. When in fact last time it was a dark cream color and this time a pale ivory. (but I digress) I am fortunate to be welcomed into family and friends who know I was married before but don't ask questions and don't judge. I have truly been blessed in that regard. It's been really exciting looking and planning and getting excited to do things MY way! (lol....ok....our way....)
    Posted by beckyh77[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I had to laugh out loud when you corrected it to "our way" ... bahahahaha

    </div>
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  • It's so sad that people said those things to you.   I had a few friends and family members who made rude and stupid comments, but honestly I think it came from their own unhappiness with their life.   We didn't have a large wedding but it was EVERYTHING we wanted and it turned out perfect.  Celebrate your happiness and love the way you want, if people don't want to be a part of it - then its their loss or they are jealous that you found someone wonderful to spend your life with!  Best of luck :)


  • Congratulations on your engagement!!!  I'm so sorry that the responses you've gotten haven't reflected your joy and enthusiasm ... esp. hard coming from those you'd expect would be supportive.  I hope when you break the news at the dinner that the responses are more appropriate.

    Your post and the replies have also been an encouragement to me -- this will be my first marriage and his second, and some people have still told me that I shouldn't plan a church wedding or "anything too much, because, well, you know."  I also seem to have developed magical powers for stopping group conversations in their tracks, by merely using the words "fiance", "wedding" or "marriage" ... = awkward pause and change of subject.  It does hurt -- maybe it shouldn't, but it does -- why can't people just be happy for me/us?

    Thankfully, my family has been fabulous, and we have gotten love and support from unexepected directions, and I'm trying to focus on that / them.  Ironically, we may not wind up having an indoor church wedding after all; we just found a beautiful little outdoor "chapel" ... still waiting to hear whether we can use it or not (otherwise we'll use a gorgeous turn-of-the-century church in town).  And we are planning to keep it small/intimate ... but NOT because "well, you know" but because we want to share the day with our nearest and dearest, and those who will actively support our marriage.

    I wish you much joy your marriage, and I hope you enjoy the planning, have a bridal party that loves you, and a wonderful wedding as you start of your new life!
  • Nope.  Everyone will not respond this way.  I pray that no one else gives you that kind of stupid response again.

    The beautiful thing (one of the many beautiful things) I found about a second wedding is that fewer people will butt in (oh, "help") than the first time around.  I will say, though, that my experience was different than many described here on the boards.  Everyone we knew was supportive and excited for us.  Honestly, I think that because no one thought I'd get married the first time around, they were delightedly shocked I decided to do it again (19 years after the first wedding).  LOL!

    Keep yourselves focused on planning your wonderful wedding.  I'm sure it will be fantastic.  Congratulations on your engagement!

  • Thank you  all for the wonderful words. So glad to hear that someone else's mother did say the same words to them. I met the man of my dreams and want to marry that man, and we will do it the way we want to do it.

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