PITA FMIL (vent)

belletop

So my future mother in law has become a monster.  It's my second wedding, FH's first.  I don't care to have a whole wedding/reception at all but was willing to do it for FH.  We have only been engaged 2 weeks and FMIL has complained about my ideas so much that she has stressed out both FH and me.  We are on a budget but she has a vision in her head of a wedding that costs twice as much and she won't let it go.  I know people are always like "it's your day, do what you want blahblah" but I don't want to plan anything anymore when I'm going to be met with so much negativity. 

On one hand I want to give her our money and say ok you plan it and pay the difference yourself, but on the other hand I just don't want to do this at all anymore. It's hard to know what FH wants because sometimes I think he just voices what his mom wants.

arv266

Congratulations on your engagement!!! 

The only advice that I can give you right now, is to take a small break from the wedding planning.  I know that its still new and exciting, but it isn't necessary to instantly hammer all the details of your wedding.  And when you FMIL ask a question about what you are planning, politely let her know that you haven't reached a decision yet, or the plans are still in the works.  Some people are just negative by nature, its impossible to change this, and you need to just work around it.

Have you and your FI talked about the kind of wedding you both want?  When my FI and I first decided to get married we went through a range of ideas.  The first was just us.... then us and all of our kids at a resort.... then us, the kids, and my sister's family at Disney during a family vacation....  What you plan today may, or may not change, in the next few weeks, but either way its fine.

In the end we chose to have our wedding in NY, because it was important to me to include my FI's sister's in the celebration. 

Enjoy your engagement for a while and have a good conversation with your FI on how and what you want for your wedding.

right1thistime

• Make FI the official wrangler of his mother.
• Agree with FI that you and he will ONLY discuss plans with his mother once you have agreed together on what the plan is-- and then the answer to her will be, "thank you for your thoughts, we have decided on..."
• IF she starts speaking to either of you re: something that has not yet been decided, the answer will be, "we'll take that into consideration when we make our decision."  Then change the subject to something totally off topic, like the mosque @ ground zero, whether Cher is all washed up, should the FCC still censor language. 

The more united front you present to his mother (and anyone else who thinks they can take over your wedding planning), as well as the more united front the two of you actually have in life, the more successful you will be.  ~Donna

arv266

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_pita-fmil-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:27c1954e-cafa-488b-8698-4335c29c6c79Post:f6adacd5-aeea-4f80-b554-663af9049a7d">Re: PITA FMIL (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Make FI the official wrangler of his mother. Agree with FI that you and he will ONLY discuss plans with his mother once you have agreed together on what the plan is-- and then the answer to her will be, "thank you for your thoughts, we have decided on..." IF she starts speaking to either of you re: something that has not yet been decided, the answer will be, " we 'll take that into consideration when we make our decision."  Then change the subject to something totally off topic, like the mosque @ ground zero, whether Cher is all washed up, should the FCC still censor language.  <strong>The more united front you present to his mother (and anyone else who thinks they can take over your wedding planning), as well as the more united front the two of you actually have in life, the more successful you will be.  </strong>~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

This is SHEER brillance and so well said!!!!

MikesAngie

I agree with Right1 and ARV on this!!  Right1 very nicely put!

thealphabride

right1 RIGHT ON!
ARV.. beautiful.
Now for my humble opinion. Don't share your wedding plans with your FMIL at all.
Don't share your plans with anyone that you don't want an opinion from, because everyone has an opinion on your ideas.

If she asks, repeat what right1 says above.
Let her know that if she wants to help, you know when the time comes there will be plenty of projects you will need her help with and then find a way to get her involved. Find a task that you can give her to help her feel involved. 
 

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome belletop!

I've been around the knot for a while, and rule #1 is "he/she who pays gets a say". If you and your fiance are footing the bill, then no one else has any say in the matter.

I also agree with what everyone else said. My Mom told me a long time ago that my grandma (Dad's mom) was very opinionated. Whenever grandma (her MIL) offered advice, my Mom would say "Thanks, I'll think about it".  Then my Mom did whatever she felt was right.

Your fiance has to be the "bad cop" here and present your united vision to his Mom. How he does it is up to him, depending on his relationship with her.

Good luck.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_pita-fmil-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:27c1954e-cafa-488b-8698-4335c29c6c79Post:fc486b18-ccbb-4507-aaf0-ff8c6806b813">Re: PITA FMIL (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE] Employ "bean dip." (aka change the subject.)  "Thanks, FMIL, for offering that idea. Have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious." Her:  I think you should use red roses instead of pink. You:  Yes, picking out flowers is so much fun. Would you like some chips to go with your bean dip? Keep offering the bean dip regardless of what she says. She can't discuss a subject with you if you don't participate.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This is a riot!  I love it.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

naynay1982

fistly, you've only been engaged for 2 weeks! stop stressing! Relax and just enjoy each other for awhile. Don't even think about wedding plans for the next month.

Definitely don't share any ideas with your FMIL. I have had to learn this with my own mother. It seems like any time I mention something wedding related to her she turns into a negative nancy and tries to convince me to do something else. It stresses me out and I have had many sobbing fits with my FH because of it. So now I don't tell her anything until something is final, as in, can't be changed. I avoid giving details by making it sound like I have no clue what I plan to do. If she asks about something, I just say "I don't know yet". Then she can go on about what she wants us to do as much as she wants but at least she isn't pooing all over my ideas in the process and I can choose to consider it or tune it out.

Scarlet Starlet 31

Wow, you must be marrying my ex, because that's exactly how his mom was!

Frankly, I would head the situation off at the pass.  Your FH should first and foremost listen to you and if he shares your concern, you both should have a sit down with her and say something like while we appreciate your vision of what you want our day to be like, but we have a vision of our own, and it involves staying within a budget that we've already discussed.  We want to get married, but we don't want to start our new life out in debt just to have a gala wedding.

Be delicate, this is her son and his first wedding, and she is probably super excited and just wants to help.  I'm sure she honestly only has the best of intentions. 
She may surprise you and offer to help financially, or she may genuinely offer up some budget-friendly decisions. 
Either way, if it goes unaddressed, your relationship with her, and probably with your FH, could be severely affected.

My_Matt

Georgia boys. Pfft. Sounds like we are joining the same family

belletop

Thank you all for your advice.  We have put the planning on hold for a couple weeks, as suggested

[Deleted User]

I'm hoping as I'm reading all of these posts, we are all remembering that our wedding plans are our plans and don't need to be discussed with everyone we encounter.  From the time my sister announced her engagement until she left on her honeymoon, no one that knew her heard any conversation that didn't begin with, "My wedding..."  Frankly as much as her family and friends wanted to help and support her, we were bored with the wedding conversation; we had interesting lives of our own going on while she was planning her wedding, and we weren't getting anything close to equal conversation time.  I have tried my hardest not to mention anything about my wedding plans to anyone other than my FI unless someone asks a specific question.  Fortunately/unfortunately we don't have any mothers to contribute an opinion, but, when you open up the discussion floor with "I'm thinking of lilies for centerpieces" it just invites everyone to counter with "Oh I think football mums would be so much nicer"  and it's not so unusual for brides then to take an "I think you should mind your own business" attitude.  And, of course, none of US would ever be that kind of bride!!!