Newbie here - compromise on wedding?

SoHappyToBeMrsC

Hello ladies,

Recently my BF and I decided we will be getting married next year. I am thrilled about this. My BF is truly an amazing man, and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him. After lots of frogs, he is truly my Prince.

Before I met him, I thought if I got married again we would just elope to somewhere tropical and call it a day. However, now that I've met him, I really feel like I want to share my joy with our family and friends. The thought of just going off somewhere by ourselves for a quickie wedding brings a bit of a lump in my throat.

Where we live, weddings are expensive. I believe we could do it for $10-$15k if we are very careful with our money. I know it's a lot of money for one day, and I do not plan on extravagance, just a ceremony in our church, and a reception at a reception hall with a buffet and some dancing. No fancy centerpieces or custom linens or anything like that.

BF does not want to do this, mainly because of the cost. He would rather pocket the money and have a small reception when we get back.

I know that I should just be grateful that I have such an amazing man, and do whatever in regards to the wedding, but I can't help feeling a little sad over not being able to say our vows in front of our loved ones. I want to see his eyes get a little misty seeing me in my wedding gown, I want to watch him have a special dance with his mother, etc.

Anyone else feel like this, and have any advice of how to make me feel better about it? I would not want to go through with the wedding and have him be resentful over it, the marriage is more important than just that one day, I realize that.

Sloane99

You both have very valid reasons for wanting your wedding day the way you both do. What about a destination wedding that doesn't involve just the two of you in an elopement style but extends the invite to those that want to be there? I don't know the financial position of your guests or if you would have people that couldn't make it though which could be an issue.

This why we are doing a wedding in Vegas, 25 guests, I still get to do the aisle walk and have those nearest and dearest to me, but we also get the benefit of saving some money and not going overboard for one day.

dawnmorgan2008

My suggestion to you is to write a list of what you both MUST have. Then see hwo you can fit just those things into your wedding.
Why not have an intimate ceremony for those closest to you with a small sit down dinner at a fabulous resturant? I have been to events like this and it was very special to be included in their day!

SoHappyToBeMrsC

I'm sorry, I left out some detail.

BF's father absolutely will not travel to a DW. He's very shy being around people, so it would be enough of a struggle getting him to come to our hometown 3 hours away for a wedding.

BF has a VERY large family. His father is one of 9 children, if that tells you anything about the number of aunts,uncles, cousins, etc. I'm sure you can imagine the trouble it would cause if we invite one aunt, but not the other, etc.

It would basically have to be a situation where we invite everyone, or no one.

Sloane99

I agree with dawnmorgan then, I think an intimate ceremony followed by dinner is the best way to go and the best of all worlds. Maybe you need to talk to your FI though about what you're both willing to give up/comprimise on because I'm sure it's not all or nothing for each aspect.

jcaruncho

Hello!  We had the same type of dilemma (except the other way around...he wanted the big wedding and I wanted to pocket the money and elope to Vegas) and we compromised.  We're having an intimate ceremony at a nearby church and then taking 70 of our closest family/friends to lunch at a really nice Italian restaurant. The only extras we hired were a photographer for the wedding day and a florist for simple reception pieces and altar arrangements, and we were able to keep the entire wedding cost to less than $6k.  So it's a definitely a possibility and not as expensive as your first option.

Or, like others mentioned, you can simply elope to Vegas or the Caribbean and then have a nice dinner for your friends and family when you get back.

Hope that helps!

decobelle

What about an backyard affair for 50 close friends or less? If you do not have a yard, perhaps a close friens will host?
You can rent a tent and keep it simple, both of you will get what you want.

melissamc2

Well, I think there is a definite middle ground in here.

With a destination wedding, you certainly wouldn't be inviting every single family member - so if they aren't offended by not being invited to one locale, would they really be over not being invited to another one?  Having an "at home" wedding doesn't automatically mean everyone you've ever known or share DNA with is invited.

Perhaps talk to him about having a more traditional wedding but with a very small guest list.  If he's not overly concerned with leaving everyone (including his Father) out of a DW, this shouldn't be as huge of an issue as it sounds.

Both of you should have elements of what you WANT.  Is his reasoning for what he wants soley about money?  If so, there are thousands of ways to cut thousands of dollars.  Some COULD include all those family members, in fact.

As a PP said, make a list of what both of you REALLY want and what both of you are truly comfortable spending - then go from there.

Good luck and congratulations!

SoHappyToBeMrsC

Thanks for all the responses ladies.

I would love to have a wedding of about 60-70 people, with a reception at a restaurant, so that will keep it a bit more low key, which is what he would be comfortable with, not to mention a lot less money.

I will have to talk to him and see if inviting only truly close family members would cause issues.

Does anyone think it would be tacky for us to have a small wedding in our hometown, and then have a reception for his whole family in their hometown a little later? Something really casual and inexpensive. I don't want to seem rude to his family though...

SarahM2012

No I dont think it is rude or tacky to have another reception.  My friends are getting married in NYC (think huge Greek family meets huge Chinese family) where some of both families are and they live.  And then they are going to Cali where the rest of her family is and having a get together.  Some of her family cannot travel for various reasons so it's an easy way for everyone to be involved. 

Sloane99

I don't think it's rude either, but I also think it needs to be done appropriately. We're getting married in Vegas and FI's parents want to host a casual BBQ afterwards in our hometown. We're treating it as a big summer get-together of friends and family and not an official second reception or anything but we did want a chance to see everyone that's close to us that we weren't able to invite to the wedding and thank them for being a part of our lives.

SoHappyToBeMrsC

Oh, it would definitely be a very casual BBQ type of thing, in a barn his family can use for special events for free, so nothing too crazy.

Thanks for the input ladies!

princesspgd

We're very cheap, so our wedding is going to be less than $2,000. Is there a park around where you live? You can normally rent a shelter in a park for less than 100 bucks. Also making your own food can be very stressful, but once you have a meal plan set you can save a TON of money over a caterer. We're having a BBQ and our wedding only has close family and friends (not everyone because I'm sorry but if you're not close to someone or don't really like them, why should you be forced to include them in your special day?), so we don't even have to spend that much on food.

You could also have a smaller wedding now and later on down the road, maybe your 5 year anniversary, you could save up the money for a larger vow renewal. Then you could both have what you want!

SoHappyToBeMrsC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_newbie-here-compromise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:29f8123d-f850-454f-b144-0689f98c9ca2Post:d461f72c-e9db-4e30-8fd0-1ebff4ef0398">Re: Newbie here - compromise on wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're very cheap, so our wedding is going to be less than $2,000. Is there a park around where you live? You can normally rent a shelter in a park for less than 100 bucks. Also making your own food can be very stressful, but once you have a meal plan set you can save a TON of money over a caterer. We're having a BBQ and our wedding only has close family and friends (not everyone because I'm sorry but if you're not close to someone or don't really like them, why should you be forced to include them in your special day?), so we don't even have to spend that much on food. You could also have a smaller wedding now and later on down the road, maybe your 5 year anniversary, you could save up the money for a larger vow renewal. Then you could both have what you want!
Posted by princesspgd[/QUOTE]

Bless you for being brave, but there is no way I could do that, LOL. I would be afraid the weather would be bad, and cooking for all those people would be awful. If we invite all the family/friends we'd need to invite, it would be about 200 people. I would guesstimate we would have about 150-160 in attendance. There is no way I could cook for that many people without losing my mind. :)

What I am hoping for is a small wedding in our church, with a reception in a restaurant/banquet facility for our nearest and dearest, and a larger reception in his hometown for all of his gazillion extended family members. I'll keep you updated on what we decide! Thanks everyone.

SoHappyToBeMrsC

So I have an update for everyone, sort of..... BF and I talked this over last night, and I told him honestly how I felt, that I would really be sad if we eloped with no one. I explained how THIS love and THIS marriage means more to me than anything, and I want to share those special moments with him and our family/friends. He seemed to understand.

Finances are an issue for family members, so a DW is out, not to mention his father wouldn't come.

We discussed having a small wedding in Atlanta, followed by a reception in his hometown for those we couldn't invite, and agreed that was a no-go. The family members that were not invited to the "real" wedding would most likely be offended by the reception later, because it would look like they weren't "good enough" to be invited to the real wedding, and the later reception is nothing more than a solicitation of gifts.

So basically we would either have to have the full blown wedding, or elope and have an AHR later.

I drew up a budget and truly believe we could get it done for about $10k. He still doesn't seem 100% comfortable with this, and I told him I would not force him into a wedding if he's truly against it.

So basically we haven't reached a firm decision, but at least he understands my feelings now. After we get "officially" engaged I guess we will more forward with making a choice then.

Thanks for all the input ladies!

AdelphiTN

My brother just got married in a park outside of Atlanta. It was lovely.

Where is FI's hometown?

SoHappyToBeMrsC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_newbie-here-compromise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:29f8123d-f850-454f-b144-0689f98c9ca2Post:c7c4be59-5f51-4b44-9d59-57ee032ce316">Re: Newbie here - compromise on wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother just got married in a park outside of Atlanta. It was lovely. Where is FI's hometown?
Posted by AdelphiTN[/QUOTE]

It's about 3 1/2 hours south of the Atlanta area.

What park was he married in?

Leslyblanc

I understand your situation and your feelings as well. I had the same and on top of them, I was not very friendly with the idea of getting married in US (if it was in Europe would be a lot easier for me). It was not an easy decision, but we finally compromised in doing something small (very close family and even closer friends), but elegant and meaningful. We tried to cut some coast basically in decoration (no table center, special linens), most alcohol (we are serving just wine, and no alcoholic drinks ), no bands, no videograph. We decide to splurge in food and good time for the guests. Write down what is important for you and him, and try to go from there, and save your money as much as you can. In my opinion, a great vacation with your FI in a luxury spa, destination or cruise, is well worthy than spending a lot of money for just three or four hours. 

AdelphiTN

My brother lives in Smyrna (just north of atlanta). There's a little park we could walk to from his townhouse (sorry i don't know the name!) - they married in the gazebo. It was very pretty. And free!

3.5 hours isn't too far for FI's fam, i wouldn't think. or maybe look in a small town in between? Peachtree City or something? I agree with Lesly that there are many places to cut corners, especially on those that do not directly impact your guests. Get on the Budget Bride board and start thinking outside the box.