I think we're OK

tropical.dreams

We talked for a bit last night, and he's just totally freaking out about the what if's based on his past experiences. He's afraid that I'm going to totally change my life and give up everything, and then I'm going to decide that he's not enough for me and then resent him for ruining my life.

He's very much a giver in relationships, and he tends to give so much to people that don't appreciate it. He worked like a dog to support his ex-wife, and she always wanted more-more-more, and nothing was ever good enough for her. He bought her a brand new car, and a year later, she wanted another one because she just "didn't like it anymore". Soon after, he found out she opened a credit card in his name and maxed it out to $6k spending money on things like Starbucks, haircuts, and buying presents for the guy she was cheating on him with (all things that she never brought home, so he was never tipped off). Unfortunately, he fell into another relationship like that after his divorce, too, and it's just ingrained into him that women are never satisfied with him for long, and only want him for what he can do for them. Logically, he knows I'm not like that, but he just got overwhelmed with the reality that I was actually moving out there and might be dependent on him for a while until I can find a job. He's just scared to death of it happening all over again, and then me blaming it all on him for leaving my house and my job and my family.

We're going to talk more tonight, but as of right now, we're putting the wedding plans on hold because it's just too much for him to deal with all at once. I'm scared, too, because really, it's not like we've spent tons of time together like we would have if we'd been dating locally this whole time. This is both of our first long distance relationships, and it has a whole other set of rules and issues than a regular relationship. We're in our 30's, but it's almost like we're kids just learning to be in a relationship because it's so different!

Thanks for listening to me cry, I really appreciate it. Now, is there any way I can delete that damn post so I don't have to keep looking at it every time I come here?

rapunnzzll

So glad to hear the news.  It can be so difficult to learn things can be different with other people.  It sounds like you both are heading in the right direction.  Talking and being open is so important.

I've never deleted a post, but I'm sure you can.

Lisa50

I'm so glad to hear that the two of you got a chance to talk.  His fears sound grounded in reality -- his reality -- and postponing the wedding seems like it might be the best decision at this point.  Hang in there!

There's nothing wrong with taking things slowly.  I learned my lesson the hard way the first time I got married.  This time, I'm on the "five year plan."

Oh ... You can go to the thread and delete your original post, I think.  But you will not be able to delete the replies.  Of course, you could just edit the subject line, if that's bringing you down. If none of that works, I recommend sending a PM to Retreadbride; she can fix anything (I think).  Good luck!

mybooboos

I'm so glad you had a chance to talk things out, and that you are no longer having to second guess his thoughts.  It sounds like continued talking (alone or with a counselor) will be necessary before you can move forward.  Neither of you wants to go into wedding planning with fears and doubt. It may be that your wedding planning stays on track after some cleansing conversations, but if you have to postpone it, due to mental preparedness, you'll know that the new wedding date will be met without any anxiety or concerns.

Good luck!

thealphabride

I'm so glad to hear he is communicating with you!!!  It all starts with talking.
The pp gave great advice so here's more virutal (((((hugs)))))
take good care.

[Deleted User]

I'm kind of in the same boat. My fiance also had two not-very-grateful wives before, and it's definitely made him a little insecure. It has produced some kind of situation every now and then, but we always talk it through. I don't think there is a solution for it except time and understanding.

MikesAngie

TD - all I can say is communication is key...  Breathe and really talk to one another... 

I made a 1K move for my man and at the time there wasn't a ring on my finger (my choice - because I wanted to do this when I was 100% certain I had already hurt this man once... wasn't going to do it again) - but I had a lot of questions and needed him to tell me he understood that this move wasn't across town and how 19y/o's live together.  He got it... and I in return reassured him that I loved him... He was so cute any time I freaked out (and there were a lot of them in my 40+ years I had NEVER moved for a man), he would just talk to me and say he loved me... and I relaxed and went with it.

I have been unemployed for awhile now... and he's okay with what ever happens career wise... He just wants us to be husband and wife...  and for me to be happy.