2nd wedding for me, 1st for him

Candi0386

Background:  I was married when I was younger and very immature.  Being from a traditional family, divorce wasn't an option but he divorced me after 10 months being married.  A full year after we separated (and after the the divorce was final, a few months after separation) I started dating again and was reintroduced to my fiance who I went to middle school with.  We hit it off and fell in love.  We've been together 14 months and he just popped the question!  I know myself a lot better now after having been through so much crud the first time...with the wrong person that I only met a year before I married.  I know my fiance is the one.  We are a team in everything and love each other even in difficult times.

The first time I almost broke off the engagement twice (it was less than a 4-month engagement) and had so much anxiety over the wedding.  I didn't even want to announce it to everyone.  It was like deep down I was ashamed and knew he wasn't what I wanted.  We got married at the courthouse and had a small ceremony with close family in our backyard.  They didn't know we were legally married beforehand until the separation.  I wanted to tell everyone but he didn't. 

The point is that I've always wanted a big, nice wedding but because of my anxiety and apprehension about the first guy, I didn't want it anymore.  Now with my fiance, I want the big, nice wedding to celebrate our love.  This is his first wedding and he wants the whole big thing too.  My first wedding was paid for by my family and they helped a lot (threw me a shower and bachelorette party) because I had no wedding party.  My fiance and I are paying for the wedding on our own and I don't want to bother my family with preparations and such.  I would like a shower and pre-wedding parties but they're not mine to throw for myself and my MOH lives out of state and she is the only attendant in my wedding.  What do I do then?  And can we really plan this completely on our own?  Should I ask for help or just see if it's offered?

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2nd-wedding-1st-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2f4f2ee3-1118-4b04-b39e-b7651b886669Post:cb555a2d-076a-4987-aada-4d3869f35ac2">2nd wedding for me, 1st for him</a>:
[QUOTE]  I would like a shower and pre-wedding parties but <strong>they're not mine to throw</strong> for myself and my MOH lives out of state and she is the only attendant in my wedding.  <strong>What do I do then</strong>?  And can we really plan this completely on our own?  Should I <strong>ask for help or just see if it's offered</strong>?
Posted by Candi0386[/QUOTE]

So three points:

you are correct- the parties are not yours to host. 

What do you do about that?  Absolutely nothing.  If someone offers to host, you accept graciously, otherwise, you do without.

Are you talking about help with the planning?  or financial help?  You can certainly ask for help with the planning, but realize that no one is as excited about your wedding as you are.  The best chance of getting help is to ask for specific tasks rather than general help.  "Would you come with me to the bridal show to gather handouts about vendors?"  "Would you come with me to look at florists?"  "Can you check with your sister about DJs?" etc.  Financial help - you cannot ask, and in my humble opinion, should not expect or accept. ~Donna

2dBride

RetreadBride:  What about the timeline doesn't fit?  And for the record, she didn't say she had been engaged for fourteen months--she said she just got engaged after fourteen months with her FI.

As to the original questions:

1.  Pre-wedding parties can be thrown by anyone who volunteers--not necessarily by a member of your wedding party.  We ended up with two bachelorette parties, both thrown by people not in our wedding party.

2.  I'd say to wait to see if help is offered.  I wouldn't want to put people on the spot by asking for help--financial or otherwise--that they hadn't offered.

Candi0386

Thanks for the input.  Our friends who are in the wedding are without a lot of money and both live out of the area so I don't want them to feel obligated.  I know his side of the family would be excited to help out in planning and such because this is his first marriage.  My family on the other hand are traditional and don't like the fact that I dated again, much less that I'm getting married again, even though that mistake was when I was 19 and they gave their "permission" for me to marry the first time.  I'm still young, but I've learned the hard way about things and almost everyone I deal with, like at work and church, say I'm mature beyond my years.  I guess I'll just wait and see.  I just don't want my fiance to miss out.  This will be the best experience of our lives.  It's not just about having the perfect wedding though, it's about us, our love, and our life together.  

Candi0386

I appreciate it.  I checked out dresses and tux rentals.  I can get a more affordable dress if I get an informal one or a bridesmaid's dress in white.  We want the ceremony in a church or there is a nice restaurant that has a courtyard in town that is really nice.  It is small though so the 100 people on the guest list may not work.  Plus we're having it in winter so it may be too cold for outside (we're in the south though so you never know).  I'd love to have an evening wedding with a sit-down dinner, but I just bought a house a few months back and we want a honeymoon, so it's not practical.  We'll probably have a mid-afternoon ceremony with a cake and punch reception.  I have so many ideas and it's hard to narrow them down.  The fiance just wants "whatever" he said so that makes it harder.  My MOH just found out she's pregnant too and she's out of state so she may not be able to help much in the planning.  We're talking February so that doesn't leave much time!  We'll see how much I can find out in the next two weeks on vendors and costs before it's set though.  I do appreciate any ideas you may have.  I'll set my favorites on here to public so you can see what I'm looking at.  Thanks!

Sue-n-Kevin

Congrats on finding the right guy, and your engagement.

When we got married in August, I was in your fiance's position as the one never married; this was my (now) husband's third marriage. His sisters-in-law actually offered to give us a shower, but I said no because we were combining 2 households. Wait and see if his family offers. If not, it's really not a biggie. Most guys don't like them anyway. I didn't have a bachelorette party, and to be honest, I didn't miss it. My coworkers took me out to lunch one day and that was nice.

It sounds like you have a lot on your financial plate right now. If you want something bigger, wait and save for the wedding you want. If you want to marry in February, it sounds as though you have made some tentative plans that fit into your budget. It's not the wedding that matters............it's the marriage. But if you sense that you will regret having something smaller now, then wait until you save up more money, because a "re-do" is really tacky.

If you or any of your friends or family are crafty, there's a lot of info on the DIY board. It is possible to have something classy & elegant (if that is your style) for less money than the industry expects you to spend.

Good luck with your plans and your coming marriage.