relationships between your children and your in-laws...

lindaloulubbock

I have been struggling a bit with the relationship my children  (ages 4 and 6) have with my new in-laws.  My children LOVE my in-laws....call them grandparent and aunt/uncle names and love spending time with them.  My in-laws are very nice to me and my children, but don't go out of their way to be a part of our lives.  It's stressing me out, and it's upsetting my husband, and I don't know what if anything I can do about it. 

My husband thinks of the children as his, he's been in their lives for two years now, and he very much feels and acts like he is a "normal" parent.  He always assumed that his parents would treat the children in much the same way (as grandchildren, rather than stepgrandchildren).  When we moved in together, we moved closer to his family and his job (which didn't move as well as my work-at-home gig), and I guess we all expected too much because lately we are repeatedly disappointed by their lack of interest in our family. 

They have two other sons and one other grandchild, and they are very involved in their lives, so the contrast makes it even more apparent that we are different.  I'm feeling terribly guilty that I moved my children away from my family to live closer to his when they don't really seem to want us here.  We are much happier with the area we live in here, so it's not like family was the whole reason for our move, but still...I just feel rotten, and I don't know how to get over it.

My husband is very non-confrontational, which is something I love dearly about him, but in this situation, I wish he would be more confrontational, although I'm not sure that would help either...We can't really demand they spend more time with us.  What they do is sufficient...if there were no other kids or grandkids, it would seem fine...it's just the total contrast that makes it seem wrong.  There's a part of me that understands that I can't expect these things to happen overnight and that my children will never be the same as their grandchildren...so I'll happily listen to someone who can explain this from that perspective... 

How in the world would this all work if we were to have another child? 

I've tried to invite them in--having them over for dinner, inviting them to the kids' ball games and dance recitals, etc, and they will usually come to those things, but they never extend any kind of invitations to us.  I realize this could be much worse, and I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill.  Sigh...

Lisa50

You mention you've tried to invite them to events.  If they've accepted the invitations, you're doing well.  Building relationships takes time. Rarely does anyone move on a timetable we would like. 

It was your choice to move your kids away from your parents, right?  Now, you need to find a way to make peace with that decision while your in-laws get to know your kids according to their timeline.

Also, I'd recommend you not get ahead of yourself and try to anticipate how your in-laws will react when/if another child comes along.  Take things one day at a time.  Sometimes, being a grown up sucks.  Good luck!

Sue-n-Kevin

I understand your concerns, but think maybe you are too close to the situation to be objective. Based on your description of things, you invite them to your children's events, and they attend. Heck, even my own parents didn't attend every one of my kids events and they are their ONLY grandchildren, as I am an only child. You do say that they are more involved in their other children's lives, and their one grandchild.

Comparing this to my own situation: my son has met his dad exactly once in his life, and my son is now 24 y/o. I raised him alone. He was close to my daughter's dad's family, but when we ended our relationship, only saw them occasionally and then not at all now.

My daughter is 16. Her Dad got married about 5 years ago, and she now has 3 sets of grandparents: my parents, her dad's, and now his wife's parents. His wife's parents have treated her like one of their own, but then that's in their nature and they also took their time to gauge how to treat her on holidays and birthdays, knowing my parents are also involved.

Fast forward to now: my fiance's Mom sends me and my kids birthday cards with money. She treats them as one of her own, in spite of the fact she has multiple grandkids and great grandkids. But she wasn't that way initially, and to be honest, we live over 40 miles away and my kids were much older than yours when I met him almost 4 months ago.

I would say be more patient, but per your post, it's been 2 years now. Let your kids love them as grandparents, and accept whatever involvement they do have in your lives. I'm a "lack of stress" type person, and just accept things as they are rather than trying to change them. I really just try to control the things I can, and let the other "stuff" take care of itself. They may never treat your kids as they would if they were "natural grandkids". But IMO comparing what they do for your kids to what they do for their other grandchild, you are just setting yourself up for drama and anger that you really don't need. One of my Mom's favorite "Mom-isms" is "Take the high road". I've always tried to do that, and I think you should just let this irritation dissolve and focus on the things you can control.

Good luck.

lindaloulubbock

Lisa, you're right in that I'm having a hard time making peace with my decision to move here.  It's been on my mind a  lot, and I've cried a lot of tears over it in the last couple of months.  I do love where we live and I love living with husband, but while my kids are happy now, I worry about them noticing that they are treated differently and being unhappy when they realize I made this choice for them...While I still think it was the best decision for me and for my husband, I am second guess my choice for the children.

Although, I don't think living close to my family was the right choice either...I'm really not sure what the right choice was/is.