surprise

[Deleted User]

Hello all-
Well here is my issue- This is my second wedding. I have no children and was previously married for one year almost 10yrs ago. I had a big hotel reception and got married in a Catholic church.I just recently got engaged, and certainly is the love of my life. So my surprise is that i just found out that my fiance's parents and family, do not know that i was married before.I have several issues with this,obviously. I feel that mt fiance should of addressed this a long time ago, he claims that he just doesnt feel as if it matters, and it's something he doesnt care about.He believes its no ones business.I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, and feel uncomfortable even talking about our wedding plans. I almost feel as if I being dishonest.

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome sabfab.

I can understand you feel a bit betrayed and anxious about this recent revelation. However, without understanding more, it's hard for me to provide any help to you.

If you were married 10 years ago, you must be a bit older. Life throws us curves and sometimes you have to just roll with them. But I guess I don't understand what the issues are.

Is it that your fiance is also Catholic, and his family is expecting a church wedding? If that's the case, then yes you have a problem, especially if they are devout Catholics. However, if he loves you and doesn't care about your prior short term marriage 10 years ago, they'd have to believe they raised a good son who can make his own wise decisions about whom to marry. I'm Catholic, have never been married before, and wanted the whole Catholic church wedding. But my real desire is to marry the man I fell in love with, and we found a great, old chapel and will be getting married by a Catholic deacon.... no mass, but Catholic ceremony.

Is it that you feel you are lying to them? Then talk to your fiance, discuss this, and figure out a way to tell them. My fiance has been married TWICE before, but my parents adore him and understand that as you go through life you make mistakes. They see how happy he makes me, and that's all that matters.

Maybe if you explain more why this is such a problem to you everyone can offer better advice.

right1thistime

I would have the same reaction you are having.  And I feel its less about religion, and more about integrity. 

I would ask your Fi why he isn't telling them.  Because if he feels it may be an issue for them, then all the more reason to put it out in the open, hash it out and clear up the issue.  This looks a little red-flaggy to me, frankly.  If he is ashamed of your previous marriage/ divorce, and therefore can't stand beside you against their judginess- its an issue.  If he thinks that it  is just none of their business, then I would suggest an open conversation between the two of you.  Because, I will guarantee that somewhere in the next few years, some lovely well meaning person will say to his parents, "your son is so lovely, not like sabfab's first husband.  I KNEW at that wedding that it was a mistake."  Better to head that 'surprise" off at the pass.  And better for him to stand beside you as the truth is shared with them, saying "we want you to know this, but I (FI) want you to know that this is just not now or not ever going to be an issue".  or whatever seems right.  ~Donna

jeannigirl

He's right actually its no bodies business, but if you feel that he's trying to avoid conflict with his family then talk to him about it. You will be spending the rest of your life with this person.

Really listen to why he feels the way he does. Work out something that is going to benefit the both of you.

[Deleted User]

Thank You dearly for these responses.
My FI's family is great! They are the most non-judgemental people I know. I guess its my insecurity that is probably causing me to have this anxiety.My family is more religious than his, so I do not foresee the church being a big issue. My first marriage was a total mistake obviously and mostly unhealthy for my well being. I thank God everyday for its failure.With that being said, I have unexplainable guilt. I do not know why?I think finding out that know one is aware of my 1st marriage triggered so many emotions.The happiness I felt getting engaged has seemed to morph into this panick.I also thought all the worry and pain of my first marriage went away. I am now thinking of it all over again, and I just feel so baffled as to why this happening.
I really want to clear my mind, and work out these tangles.I know positively my FI loves me unconditionally. I guess I wasnt really clear on my first message what exactly my issue is.I just wish I could feel happy about my engagement