Second Weddings

Telling XH that I was engaged didn't go well... how am I supposed to tell him...

that we got orders to move out of state??

I know he's going to get his panties in a wad and try to pull something... maybe pursue this in court.

But, when we set up our divorce papers, my attorney said that we didn't need anything in the divorce about not being able to move, because XH can't control that, since he already lives out of state.  The trouble is that XH is never happy that my life is much better off without him.  So, he wants to share the misery.  He ONLY wants to spend time with the kids for two reasons:
1.)  His parents want to see the kids.
2.)  If he has them, then I don't.

His parents live in town and I make sure they see the kids about 2 days a week.  This is NOT required in the parenting plan, but they've come to take it for granted and I know that they're going to pitch a fit when they find out that I'm moving (they live in the same town as me), so they're going to complain to him and that's just going to make him even angrier.

FI will be deploying about a month after we get married and I really don't want to have to deal with XH's issues while FI is deployed.

So, when do I tell?  How do I tell?
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Re: Telling XH that I was engaged didn't go well... how am I supposed to tell him...

  • edited December 2011
    First - go to your lawyer.  Double check your legal requirements.  Then when you have that - you just call him/email him/write him and tell him.

    Be calm.

    Be assertive (this is where knowing EXACTLY - like direct him to a page of the paper if you need to kind of thing - is imperitive)

    Be kind to his parents - what you've given them so far is amazing!  But like you said you are under no legal requirement to adhere to these restrictions.  But firm. 

    Don't beat around the bush - be succinct. 

    If he threatens legal action - ask him exactly what he expects to happen?  (be careful not to come across snide or sarcastic here)   And then relay that your lawyer. 

    Good luck.  Bad divorces are the suck!

    ((hugs))
  • mybooboosmybooboos member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP, and add that you could defer the information for a bit - maybe a month before your wedding. This way, you're not trying to plan a happy event, while being dragged in and out of court, or dealing with joy-sucking emails and phone calls from your xH. You have been very accommodating to his parents, and I hope they wish you well in your new life, and would therefore understand that this move is part of your new life. The may be disappointed or even angry, but hopefully not vengeful. Best of luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    If the move is scheduled for one month post wedding, I'd ask your attorney how much notice you have to give him.  I would not give him any more than you are required.  So you could send a registered letter the day of the wedding.

    This is truly a situation that requires an attorney to guide you. 
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    ITA with everyone else. You had an attorney the first time for a reason, use him/her now for additional counsel. And I also agree, would not mention it until AFTER the wedding if your lawyer says that's OK........no need to feel the drama beforehand.

    You don't mention how old your children are or how far away you are moving. I'm someone very sensitive to the grandparent/grandchild closeness, and you've obviously been very generous with that. Depending on the distance and their age, make sure you find it in your heart to allow some sort of visitation with them once a year, if possible. They can come visit the kids, or the kids (when old enough) can go visit them. Your ex is on his own for finding a way, LOL.
  • edited December 2011
    I was in a similar situation.  My XH ended up insisting we have an addendum to our custody agreement that stated I could move out of state (totally unnecessary, because there was never anything that said I couldn't).  He flew off of the handle at first-threatened legal action and that he wanted custody of the kids.   In the end, nothing changed, but I drive them the extra hour to our meeting spot for his weekends.  I offered that as a good will gesture, and I wish I hadn't. 


  • edited December 2011
    linda - my xH is the one who moved away, and I agreed to the halfway meeting point as well.  He made so little effort to see them, and he would blame me (typical for him) for that.  I slept well at night knowing that I was being the bigger person for the sake of my kids. 
    They are both adults now, and both easily proclaim that they know exactly who their father is, or rather what.  They have a minimal relationship with him, by their choice.  ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    right1-

    It's kind of an odd situation.  He insisted we continue meeting at the same place, and I agreed, but there's a shorter route that would cut 30-45 minutes off my kids 3.5 hour car ride.   Until recently he's refused to do that.  He now has a girlfriend that lives along that route, so he's willing to try it. 

    The extra hour I drive is often kind of unpredictable with traffic, and he'll also fly off the handle if I'm 10 minutes late, so the extra hour causes me a lot of grief.  I do feel badly that I moved the kids further away and I try to be as accommodating as I can because that does make it more difficult.  



  • mgd1121mgd1121 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I agree with PP to speak with your lawyer.  He cannot prevent you from moving (at least as far as I've been told), but he could change the terms of the custody agreement.  Once you're covered legally, I would talk with his parents too (separately from him).  If you have a good relationship with them.  Being restationed isn't something you can really control (I was in the military and know how that is).

    In addition to legal counsel, make sure you surround yourself with positive people who love you until the day you move.  Keep your spirits up.  Don't worry! It will work out! {{hugs}}
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