Engaged and Need to tell the Former Husband

melio0617

I hate the word Ex-husband for one thing, but truth be told, I recently became engaged (super excited btw) and now I need to figure out how to tell my former husband. We are still good friends and we have a five year old son together so I need to tell him as well. I don't know what to say, how to say it... I know he just wants me to be happy, etc. but I guess I just feel a bit guilty or sad in having to tell him this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I need to get this news to him so I can start sharing with others. I dont' want him to find out through the grapevine as I feel that's a bit disrespectful. I want to do the right thing, just have no idea how to do it. Thanks!

mma3

When I told mine, I just came out and said it.  There is no real way to make it any less painful. 

LesPaul

Yep - just say it.  Mine wasn't all that surprised at the news, since he knew I had been dating DH for two years and were serious.  Agree that he should hear it from you.

Sue-n-Kevin

I can only tell you what happened when my ex got engaged first (about 4 years ago).

He bought the ring for his gal-pal, who's birthday is Xmas Eve. He didn't tell our daughter, who was about 9 yrs old (he'd been gone for 6 years by that time). She was devastated when she found out her daddy was "engaged" and had bought a diamond ring for his gal-pal. He brought our daughter home after talking to her about this, and he & I talked to her together. For reasons unknown to me, she never connected "engaged" to "marriage"..........that's when she REALLY flipped out, realizing her dad was marrying someone else. It totally blew her image that her dad & I would reunite (which was never going to happen anyway).

Fast forward to a year or so ago, when she found MY engagement ring in our house, which we were saving for the "right moment". As she got older she realized that if I got married, and her dad is married to someone else, then we really won't be reuniting. So, my fiance & I had the ring, but were waiting until my daughter's discomfort with an engagement would subside. Over time she's gotten better about it and knows we have a date set, and she's now excited about it.

I suggest you figure out whether telling your ex or son first, or both together is the best move for you. You know them best. 

Good luck.  

2dBride

All I can tell you is that when I got engaged, my ex's first reaction was along the lines of, "We'd all been wondering whether you were about to do that!"  If you've reached the stage of being friends with the ex, this may be a much smaller deal than you think.

handfast4me

Mine was easy--my grown daughter was the first person I told that I was engaged, and she told her dad when I was calling my sisters.  He called me to tell me how happy he was for me a little while later.  We're still friends, although we keep our distance because my current husband doesn't feel all that comfortable around my ex. 

I would definitely NOT have hidden anything, as pp did.  That just delays the inevitable.  I would just call him up, and break it to him.  I don't think I'd wait until I had to speak to hm for some other reason, (birthday, holiday, etc. --that would just taint those events).  And the quicker you do it, the quicker the pain will be over with--like ripping off a bandage. 

In a very calm tone just state "Hey, John, I just wanted you to be one of the first to know, because we've remained such good freinds.  Joe and I are getting married. I am so happy! I can't wait to hear the same news from you!"

Marrin713

I have barely spoken to my ex since we separated and divorced.  I don't know if my adult son told him anything about me getting remarried.  He did ask if he should tell exH.  I see no reason to keep it from him, but I don't see any reason either to bring up a separate convo about it. 

We have not been on good terms unlike many of you ladies.  We weren't on good terms whilst married either.

Since OP and some of you have younger children, then yes it's only right that exH knows about marriage plans.  Afterall, it impacts his child(ren).  As for the question about how to tell him - just say it.  I know it could be uncomfortable but its best to just rip that particular bandaid off.

adrianzbride

I don't really have any advice, but I agree that you may as well just say it, while you are alone of course--not around your child.  I have to tell mine soon, but I don't think he'll be surprised.  I'm not sure, though. He is seeing someone, too, so I don't think he'll be too upset by my news.  I am trying to wait till I have my ring, but I may just do it once we set the date and pin down our venue, which looks like may happen before th ring, for financial reasons.

Amomtomanyluvs

well...my ex and i were quite civil...im not sure you would call it friends...since my ex and i have issues about his drinking, and losing jobs and not paying child support...but we are still civil for the most part. i didnt want to tell my ex as i was afraid he would react badley and as he was already drinking i was afraid it would get worse. but we couldnt keep it from the kids. my daughter who is 7 and so super excited about my upcoming wedding, told her father. and he came to me and said i hear your getting married, why didnt you tell me yourself? i felt sort of bad cuz maybe i should have...but he knew my Fi was going to propose as we were very seirous...but he didnt know it would happen as fast as it did...so he wasnt suprised.

id say just do it and tell him...get it over with. 

melio0617

this is great advice... thank you all. Only immediate family knows at this point so he's definitely next on the list and I do think he probably knows already, but I need to get it off my chest so I can start enjoying being engaged and not hiding it around everyone else. I tried mentioning it to my son, but I'm not sure he's quite old enough to get it just yet, but he seemed ok with the news I appreciate everyone's two cents!

heissls

I never thought of even needing to tell my ex-husband that I am engaged. I'm not sure what he has to do with it. My son (16) may have said something to him but not sure, nor do I really care.

[Deleted User]

I have grown sons, My Ex and I only communicate via e-mail. He is getting remarried this summer. I found out about his engagemet from my youngest son. He got engaged, then threw our son out of the house. Son moved in with me and the Ex mailed an engagment announcement to each of us at my house. I am thinking about just sending him an e-mail. I have not spoken to him other than e-mail in over a year.
Any suggestions?

mzkynd

i told my son when i got engaged, and unfortunately have no good terms to speak of when it comes to the ex, so i guess i am taking the scaredy cat route and just not worrying about it, i am sure our kids will tell him, or that he will or has noticed from online postings. in my humble opinion though i would say as long as your on speaking terms a polite phonecall to give a heads up would be nice.

summerlilly2008

Well, my FI and I have been engaged since Dec. and we are getting married in Aug. He is on no where near good or cilvil terms with his ex. The children live with her and he gets them every other weekend. Because of the stressful relationship even though they have been separated for 3 yrs he wasn't financially able to get his divorce final til March. So until then we were just friends around his children. Sure his ex knew the truth but nothing was ever in wrting. We didn't want her to be able to ask for alimony even though she has a BF too. We are going to tell his children Memorial Day weekend. He is going to tell her that day too. We are already prepared for the onslaught of text messages both of us will receive.

It sounds like you have a much better relationship with your ex and I don't think it will be as stressful as you think it will be.

pst726

I called my ex a day after I was engaged to tell him because I was worried that my children would feel awkward telling him that I was getting remarried even though they were super excited for me.

I was nervous but I told him and he said, "I know. The kids both sent me a text message saying that Chris had proposed! They are very happy so he must be a good guy."

I was so happy that the kids felt comfortable enough to tell their dad (they are 10 and 12).

He said congrats and forwarded me their text messages! They were super cute. I of course have saved them in my phone and loved to read them.

My son (10) wrote: Chris porposed as in a ring (His spelling!)

My daughter(12) texted: Chris just proposed to mommy when they finished the race together and she said yes