S/O a cramp in my little toe

right1thistime

Where do YOU draw "the line"?  By that I mean, if someone you cared about were being thrown an event, or hosting an event, what etiquette taboo or faux pas would cause you to:

Ignore the direction being given?

Decline the invitation, no reason given?

Decline the invitation with an obvious fake excuse to show your disdain for their breach?

right1thistime

I'll answer my own poll:
Ignore the direction being given?  If there were something like a request for a donation in honor of the couple to a cause that I oppose.  I would probably just either choose a gift for my friend, or give a cash gift to my friend and let her donate it. 

Decline the invitation, no reason given?  If the event were combined with something I could not comfortably attend, so maybe the shower is a "buy the bride some crazy herbal supplements" and I know that only the hostess is into that-- not the bride.

Decline the invitation with an obvious fake excuse to show your disdain for their breach? It would have to be really horrible, like torturing animals or making me go naked in public!! 
~Donna

Marrin713

Rats!  I was going to tell you all about the cramps in my legs and feet

I would balk at donations to causes I don't believe in or something totally outrageously out of my price range.

To decline with no reason given would be if it were being held somewhere or being held in honor of something totally out of my comfort zone - like partner swapping.

Lisa50

I don't use fake excuses.  If I don't want to go b/c of some etiquette faux pas, I simply decline with no explanation. 

For instance, last year a former co-worker got married and I was invited to a couple of parties (one shower; one bachelorette), both of which required some sort of cash pitch-in.  I replied to both invitations, immediately, with "no."  I bought the bride a very nice shortie nightgown and gave it to her in person the week before the wedding.

Am I answering the right question?

right1thistime

My question really is how bad does it have to be to make you NOT GO?  Because if I care about someone, an etiquette faux pas on the part of the hostess isn't going to keep me away.  
If the adult daughter of my friend who was getting married offered a shower such as I listed in the post below, I would be thrilled to attend, I'd find a wonderful bottle of wine, buy two and have a blast.  I would think she was very clever since the couple (in the original post) have so much stuff that they are bordering on hoarders.  I would be relieved that I wasn't wracking my brain to figure out what to get them.  That the hostess was making guests provide the wines for the tasting and directing the gifts would never have crossed my mind.  Only if I were on AA, I would probably just decline. 

Same goes for an event where someone is collecting for a group gift and everyone is paying their own way.  particularly when it's a work function.  If I care about the person, and want to be part of the event, I'd have no issue with it.  ~Donna

right1thistime

Yeah, I get it.  It's not perfect etiquette.  So if you had replied to the original post with what you just wrote, which made a suggestion to improve the idea from an etiquette perspective, I would not have been as perplexed by your answer. 

But what you wrote was that you would decline the invitation. 

For me-- things would have to be pretty offensive before I would decline (if I cared about the person).  So I was asking, polling, to see if it's my value system that is skewed, or not. 

I'll give you the etiquette points.  ~Donna

Lisa50

Okay ... I think I've got it now (thanks for having patience).  In the example you described, I would go to the wine shower -- for a good friend -- I wouldn't mind at all.  In fact, it sounds like a fun idea!

NWR, a casual friend was having a milestone bday party; FI and I were invited.  The invitation asked for contributions to a local food bank, in lieu of gifts, and we were happy to write checks.  I would ordinarily have taken a gift, so I had absolutely no problem contributing to the charity of his choice.  And ... it was much easier than trying to find a gift for "the man who has everything!"

In the scenario I described with the up-front cash pitch-ins for the two parties -- for a co-worker with whom I did not socialize outside of work -- uh huh.  As I recall, it was just too much cash to fork over (upwards of $100 for each party, I think) for a couple of parties.  And, b/c I would normally get a gift (the cash was to cover the costs of the party, no gift included), it was just too much $$ for my budget.  And honestly, it's just plain rude (IMHO) to solicit cash to cover the costs of a party.

So, that's where I draw the line -- being "forced" to give cash to cover party costs.  Whew!  Long road to get to that answer ... sorry.  My brain is just not functioning very well lately.

handfast4me

Ignore the direction being given?  If they asked for a charitable contribution to a cause I didn't believe in--for example, to anything Christian church related.  Sorry, can't do it.  I would, instead, give the cash to a charity I feel strongly about. 

Decline the invitation, no reason given?  Hmmm.  At first I was going to say: I don't think I can think of one.  But wait, I can think of one, although this is really not an etiquette breach.  I have a friend--she's nice, really, and she has a home based business (she also works at the same company that I work for).  And she keeps inviting me to these weekends for her business.  I can't think of a worse way for an introvert, like me, to spend a weekend with 20 other women that I don't know, locked in a lodge, sharing bedrooms, the floor in a sleeping bag, and bathrooms.  I've declined, but just said "I'm sorry, I can't make it." 

Decline the invitation with an obvious fake excuse to show your disdain for their breach?   hmmmm.  I don't think I can think of one--although I am constantly making up excuses not to get together with a friend of my husband's and his girlfriend.  I just can't tolerate them for more than an hour or so, in a controlled environment.  I get VERY BUSY when they ask. 

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_cramp-little-toe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3a794742-9228-4553-bdf8-088ab347e2f2Post:9c6d2d46-8678-40b4-9395-e5172d0d74ed">Re: S/O a cramp in my little toe</a>:
[QUOTE]"But they're close friends of yours, so it's okay" and "they're your good friends, so they won't mind if it's a bit outside the bounds of etiquette" is how tackiness spreads. The road to hell is paved with good intentions..... Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

So do I understand, then, that you care more about etiquette being correct than about celebrating with someone you care about?    I KNOW you care a lot about etiquette. 

If invited to a potluck wedding, with registry information in the invitation, with my name and address typed onto a label, or even moreso, an e-vite [fan yourself, Retread] for someone who I love?  I'd go.  I'd buy them a gift off their honeymoon registry.  I'd dance the dollar dance with them.  I'd buy a drink or two from the cash bar.  I'd applaud when they cake smashed (if they were both having fun). 

Now I might come on here to TELL you all about it, as long as I were sure the couple wouldn't know I was sharing their etiquette breaches.  Because really, I know etiquette is important for preserving appropriate social interactions,  but it isn't my lesson to teach them.  I'd rather celebrate their love, passion and joy.  ~Donna

handfast4me

I'm with Donna--I'd go, and ignore the breaches--that's probably why I couldn't think of examples in my response above.  However, since my first response, I have now been informed of a situation with which I don't think I'd be a guest.   I read this on TIP--one of the regulars posted something about a lady who is having a birthday party for her cats.  In a restaurant, for 70 persons, with centerpieces, etc. ,the whole nine yards. AND THE CATS CAN'T EVEN ATTEND.  WTF?  I don't think I could participate in that.  Well,  maybe I'd just go to see this trainwreck, but still.  

For the record, I'm not much of a cat person.  My dog passed away last July, and I'm STILL heartbroken.  I still cry on occasion I miss him sooooo much.  But having a birthday party for him? uh, no.  (Although he did wear a hawaiian shirt and lei to my daughter's luau themed graduation party:-)

right1thistime

My next door neighbor had a 25th birthday party for her horse.  I went.  It was a fun neighborhood barbecue.  She had a photographer there for the horse, and sent out photo thank yous from the horse & her.  I don't remember getting the horse a gift, so the thanks must have been for attending.  I mean, what do you get the horse who has everything?  Unfortunately, the horse didn't register.  ~Donna