His second, my first

firstm

Hi Ladies!  Is there anyone else out there who is (and this is just me talking) FINALLY getting married for the first time at age 38 (will be 39 at the wedding) and marrying someone who has already been badly burned by divorce?  I feel like every time I talk about wedding plans, he starts getting cold feet.  He said that it stresses him out, but I don't want to have to plan the whole thing by myself.  It's stressful and spending way more money than I'm comfortable with spending, but I really want my day as a princess that I came to believe I'd never get!  He asked ... I said yes!  Now I want the dream and it's not feeling that way.  Anyone else dealing with this or is it just me?

gundy21

I turn 38 one month after our wedding this April.  My first, his second.  His divorce was over about 2 years before we met 3 years ago.  We did a lot of talking before we got engaged and even more afterwards.  We did a few sessions with a family therapist.  We are not spending more than we are comfortable with - and I think that is an important thing.  He is letting me "enjoy the experience" - registry, showers, etc., but I am conscious that he is going thru this for the second time and doesn't want to highlight that fact (not proud that he couldn't make it work the first time).  Please remember that it is his wedding, too.  And more importantly, focus on the marriage, not just the one day.

firstm

Yes, I want this to be BOTH of our wedding, not just MY wedding so I want to include him in all the choices and decisions.  I think we do need to talk about it more, but it's tough to get him to open up - always has been.  Maybe he's just extra nervous about it.  I guess we'll be having a conversation this weekend.  :-)  Thanks!

gundy21

As dorky as this sounds, we got a couple of the "questions to ask before you get married" type books at Barnes and Noble.  Went thru every question - some were easy, others harder, and it forced us to talk about topics we might not have brought up so easily on our own.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-second-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3bda125c-c452-4aad-8699-7ba128f89355Post:ca4e8c8b-d569-441b-8ff2-82bcdba405b1">Re: His second, my first</a>:
[QUOTE]As dorky as this sounds, we got a couple of the "questions to ask before you get married" type books at Barnes and Noble.  Went thru every question - some were easy, others harder, and it forced us to talk about topics we might not have brought up so easily on our own.
Posted by gundy21[/QUOTE]

Really good idea - seeing a counselor is a good idea, too. 

firstm

Do you have the name of the book you used?  I've never heard of it and that sounds like a great idea!!!!

vb0000

firstm - Yes! I am right there with you.  My first and I am 45, his second and he was also badly burned by the first one.  He wanted us to just go down to city hall and so he feels like anything above and beyond that is excessive and unneccesary.  What really helped me was when I read on these boards other brides who's FI's felt the same way no matter what # wedding they were doing!

So I just stuck to my guns, getting on the planning wagon and asking him for his input and opinions all along the way.  When his "peanut gallery" grumbles got to much for me I just repeated my mantra to him "this is the ONLY time you and I will get married, I want it to be special!".   And after the first 3 months of hearing "let's just go to city hall" every time I brought up some facet of the wedding, I had to ask him nicely to stop saying that. Please dear, it's just not going to happen so please stop, I really do need your help in making these decisions.  He finally started getting "engaged" in the process.  

The big step was when I said I needed his help making wood box planters for the centerpieces and escort cards.  He immediately changed his attitude and started getting more involved.  We've still had our rough patches along the way (don't even get me started about the engagement photo session), and now we are going to pre-marital counseling sessions.  This, of course, is another thing that he does not believe in but he trusts in the fact that I believe in it and that it is helping us be stronger.  

All in all it has been a time for us to grow and learn more about each other.  Now that we are almost to the alter I feel like we are more in love than when we started, but it took alot to get to this place.   We are a rock solid couple, I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I felt otherwise, and this experience has proved it.

Stick to your guns.  I've heard many bride stories about the groom dragging his feet no matter what their situation.  Remain patient and gentle and he will probably respond in kind, maybe not right away but he will. Reach out for the help you need when you need it, a book or a trusted friend or a therapist.  Whatever you need to help you help him will help you both in the long run.

gundy21

One of the books we got was -

The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to ask Before You Say I Do by Susan Piver


They also have a number of books that are focused on second marriages.

[Deleted User]

This was my first marriage - husbands second.  His first marriage lasted about a year, and this was many, many years ago.  When we decided to get married, he said something along the line of, You don't want a ring or a wedding or anything like that do you?"  I assured him that I did, and the rest is history. 

I can't say he was particularly interested in the planning, but I was having such a good time, I really didn't care.  We looked at several locations together, after I had done the research on the Internet, before selecting one.  He also went with me to meet with the caterer, and we met together with the photographer.  After looking at hundreds of invitations, I selected about three that I liked and together we picked the one we used.  I did insist on a guest list from him but mostly so when he asked, "Didn't you invite so and so?" I could respond, "No, YOU didn't." 

I think we really agreed that I was the one who wanted the party and whatever I did would probably be fine with him, and that worked for me.  He loved our wedding, was very generous with praise for a job well done and, when others complimented him, he was quick to tell everyone I had done all of the "work."  I never felt overworked or burdened; it was truly a labor of love, and we're looking forward to redoing the whole think on our 25th anniversary. 

firstm

You guys all seem to have such great stories.  Thank you!

fireytiger

Hi there! Unfortunately this is not my first marriage but it is FI's. I never got my princess day for my first marriage, so I totally understand wanting it when you always thought you'd never get to! But just remember, your FI is still a man, and most men aren't going to get all giddy over the type of flowers or the colour schemes, etc. At least, I've never known a man who cared that much about it lol. I would say, try to get him involved in things HE will enjoy. For example, if he's a foodie, have him help you look into catering and go to tastings. Things like that. But don't get too upset if he's not jumping at the opportunity to do wedding stuff.

Even though I've never had my pretty princess day, I was burned badly by my first marriage, and I admit that I oftentimes get cold feet. I've asked FI before if we could just cancel the whole thing and go sneak off and get married now, just because I'm afraid if I wait this whole time, I'll talk myself out of it! I know I want to marry him but it's a very scary thing to open yourself up and commit to someone that way again. So my suggestion in addition to trying to get him involved in the things you know he might enjoy, if he starts shutting down, back off with wedding things for a little bit. I know it may be hard and you may feel like you're planning it all yourself, but sometimes for me it helps to just stop thinking about the wedding. Because then I'm able to remind myself why I love my FI so much. Maybe that's what he needs, is just to remember why he loves you so much, without the fear and stress of the wedding hanging over his head. Good luck!

thealphabride

I was 38 when I married the first time to a total douche bag at the courthouse, 5 months prego, and in a white suit. BIG MISTAKE..another story....

When I became engaged to my husband, I was 51. Never had the ceremony and reception with guests before and it was very important to me so I totally feel for you on this.

I wanted to have a bit larger affair, he wanted a much smaller affair. It was important to me and since I never spent every dime I made I had the money saved.
 
I told him I would pay for the majority of the wedding. He was really concerned with the finances of the whole thing.  We made a deal that I would pay for all the traditional things the brides family pays for and he would pay for all the traditional things the groom and family pays for and we did it that way. In the end, he split the entire catering and bar with me 50/50. I paid in full for the venue, flowers, music, photography, videography,  invites, postage, gifts, my attire. He paid for the entire honeymoon, rings, men's attire, rehersal dinner. I came up short in the end and he covered it. That was due to my bum dress experience (another story)

He came around with the planning in the end. He did all of his things without complaint. Was he excited about the planning etc. NO... he's male.

He was blown away when he saw our wedding reception room, he had no clue that this is what I had been planning. He gave me all of the credit and thanked me in the end.

When we did our wine sharing during the ceremony he was saying what a wonderful job I did on our wedding, and how much he loved the room, and how much he loved me for making our wedding special, this is what he was whispering in my ear.....



Your Fiance will come around in the end because he truely loves you, and believes the marriage will be a success, othewise he wouldn't have asked you!!!!

I love the idea of the counseling and reading and discussing the points in the books.

vb0000

In Response to <a href="http://houston.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_his-second-first?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3bda125c-c452-4aad-8699-7ba128f89355Post:29096c79-ae65-41d9-a0db-a27a84346ba6">Re: His second, my first</a>:
[QUOTE]if he starts shutting down, back off with wedding things for a little bit. I know it may be hard and you may feel like you're planning it all yourself, but sometimes for me it helps to just stop thinking about the wedding. Because then I'm able to remind myself why I love my FI so much. Maybe that's what he needs, is just to remember why he loves you so much, without the fear and stress of the wedding hanging over his head. Good luck! :)
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]

<div>AMEN! Yes this is the hardest thing to do, even those times when it only takes a few words and he starts shutting down.  But it's something I must do, for the sake of the relationship.  Which is what I must do now by the way.  As of now, no more wedding stuff for the rest of the weekend! </div>