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missv19732000

This is definitely something that you have to discuss with him in more depth.  Sounds like he doesn't want to be reminded of his first marriage and certain things bring up those negative emotions.  He wants to avoid those for this upcoming event, so try to be sensitive to his needs and wants. 

Personally, I feel the same way about you when it comes to the date of the wedding.  My first wedding was in Jan.  I like Jan. bec. it is the month that starts a new year - for me it symbolizes new beginnings.  My 2nd marriage will be in Jan. for the same reason plus it is the month my present fiance and I started dating.  But everyone is different.  Try to listen to him and be understanding.  Negotiate and come to some kind of consensus.

Good luck!

right1thistime

DH and I  (both previously married) decided that we did not want our anniversary to be the same month as our previous wedding anniversaries.  We didn't dwell on "everything MUST be different" concept, but there were some things that we each shied away from because of our previous events. 
I agree with PP that you and he need to talk this out.  I am concerned that he is being so quiet about his previous marriage/ wedding.  If I were to guess, I would suggest that he may be a bit embarassed about it all.  Have a heart to heart with him.  Putting it on the table will probably help.  ~Donna

Jells2dot0

I agree with the pps. It does sound like there is some level of embarassment, but it may just being uncomfortable with the whole idea of marriage! I know that my DH really wanted to marry me, and we talked about it a lot, but there were so many issues from his past marriage that caused him to really pull back in certain areas. After we had a heart to heart on the whole topic, I finally understood what things made him uncomfortable and thankfully, it was in areas that we actually agreed on (ie: type of wedding, how we'd handle money, etc). It just took us throwing everything out on the table to realize we both felt the same way. In your case, it does sound like there are some disconnects, so after talking, compromise with him. Maybe if you move the date to another month, he'll be more willing to accommodate something else that's important to you. Also, ask him what parts of the wedding he really did not like and try to make sure things are different if you can. Like I mentioned, I had it kind of easy, so there wasn't really much to compromise on for either of us, but I made it clear to him that I was willing to compromise if he ever felt uncomfortable.

Sue-n-Kevin

Some wise advice above.

I think you should read the post at the top of the board, "It's Normal". Maybe print it for him. It may cover some of what he's feeling, maybe not.

My wedding was my first (like you), but my husband had 2 prior marriages. We talked a LOT about what we wanted the feel, look, and style of our wedding to be. Without badgering your fiance, maybe tell him you want to spend a couple of hours talking about things. Have him tell you what his first wedding was like, then break it down into components: ceremony, reception, food, guest size, etc.

Then maybe say "OK, it sounds like your first ceremony was religious.......do you want the same type of feel, or a non-denominational ceremony?". "Your first wedding had 200 people, would you be comfortable with 100, 50 from each side?". You get the idea. Some guys simply cannot admit they are uncomfortable talking about feelings, and you sort of have to pin them down. But if you offer it as options to choose from, he may be able to express what it is he is comfortable with.

Good luck.

anssett

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I also second the honest heart-to-heart. I have twinges of embaressment about inviting the same people to a 2nd wedding. I didn't expect it. I was really guilty about it for the first few months and didn't want to talk to my fiance about it. (his first wedding) Ultimately, in order to enjoy my wedding I had to get over that and deal with it (at least some what). I suspect your fiance really wants to enjoy this, but doesn't know how to deal with the feelings and embaressment. I STRONGLY second showing him the 'It's Normal' post. It helped me a TON. I also love the suggestion above about talking about what his first wedding was like, and if/how this one will be different. That may be the type of tangible stuff that will help him. You know him best. Good luck.

jennylee813

I agree with PPs.

Also, bear in mind that most men aren't really into talking about weddings, especially when they seem so far away. Two months ago I was asking my FI about boking the caterer, and he was amazed - "how do I know what I'm going to want to eat in AUGUST?" He really didn't understand that we needed to do some planning now, and not wait until next spring to put things in place.

It doesn't mean that he isn't excited about it, it just isn't on his radar yet.

Have a heart to heart, and get him to read the "It's Normal" post. We've all struggled with the guilt.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_hes-not-that-excited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3cfc4a14-2027-4db0-b06b-97071bb4ecf1Post:1cf2c7ab-88b2-4215-8a47-3ab0ab895cf5">He's not that excited...</a>:
[QUOTE]He'd never told me his old anniversary. It just wasn't something we talked about. It turns out that he was married in September the first time,  and for some reason says he doesn't want the anniversary to be in the same month. Why does that one date have to ruin an entire month? All of this is making me upset. Why does a mistake that he made over a decade ago have to have any bearing on what we do now? Advice? Thoughts?
Posted by Fishbear80[/QUOTE]

Awww ... some things we carry right out front and others we shelter, either feeling it might be silly or, honestly, have buried so deeply we've forgotten.  It seems your FI likely thought "one date" out of the other 364 (or 333) in the year, would not become an issue. 

I had some sensitivities of which I was fully aware: I didn't want to get married in October (first wedding was in Oct), but didn't realize -- until a couple of weeks ago -- that our wedding in July 2011 was on the same day of the month. Holy crap! Then ... it was OK, even funny. Actually, it was <em>extremely</em> funny that it took years for me to make the connection.

I'm not sure I have any useful advice.  Consider using it as an opportunity to walk through the muck of the intense feelings he still has about that marriage (if the feelings were not intense, he would not react so strongly to your chosen date) together. 

Stay strong! Good luck.

mmmendi

My H is very closed off about many things. Asking him about his first wedding was painful for him, when I realized how much - I stopped. I did not want to duplicate anything - not from mine. Not from his. I didn't realize, though, how painful his first marriage was until I knew how painful the wedding was. My long point is that communication will always be key - now and forward. Not just learns to talk - but to listen. And, agreed, he is a dude! Embarrassment, pain, disinterest or otherwise - you need to know for sure where HE fits

MikesAngie

I'm going to sound a bit like the previous posters - communication is key! 

Find a relaxed time and talk to him about what bothers him about his first marriage, and listen to his words.  Next (this one helped me) ask him to imagine that you are setting back enjoying the memories of YOUR wedding day, ask him what his favorite part of the day was...  That will help you in understanding what he wants and how he plans the day going.  

Marriage is made up of compromise, from both of you not just one.  He was very clear that he didn't want a traditional wedding but you got him to change his mind.  YOUR wedding day is about the two of you and what you BOTH want; it needs to be a special day for both of you.

Compromise and communication will work wonders in easing his nerves, and allowing you two to plan a day that is meaningful and memorable for both of you.  

ellie63

I'm with mmmmendi. My FI stayed in a lousy marriage for 30 years because of his kids. He doesn't like to talk about the wedding in a room off a bar in Mexico because she was under age or his exwife. Although I have lots of questions, I respect that and every once in a while he opens up about something. For myself, I've found everything were doing for our wedding directly opposite of what I had at my first. Winter vs spring. Afternoon vs evening. Dessert reception vs elaborate buffet. Ivory dress vs white. Silk flowers vs real. Carrying a bible and flower with charms vs a bouquet. Veil vs flower in hair. God's knot vs unity candle. Wedding and reception in a historic building vs church wedding and reception with dancing. No wedding party vs attendants. Walking down the aisle together vs my dad walking me down the aisle. Camping honeymoon vs cruise. About the only thing being done the same is a couple friends playing guitar and singing, but they're different friends. My FI is so totally different than my Ex I just don't want any reminders of him.