Second Wedding Stressing Already!

Tamiam30

So, thank you so much to whoever posted the list of "It's Normal" because I really, really needed it! I have a unique situation, because my FH is a lot younger, and in everyday life it doesn't bother me too much except when I have to write our birthdays down, or I do the math, etc. His mom had an issue about it at first, I think she's pretty much over it now, who knows, we really don't dwell on it too much with other people. I also have a couple of close family members who are alcoholics, of of whom is my sister. She gets really loud and (of course) obnoxious, and throws up a lot of family history at inappropriate times when she's been drinking. She really likes to be the life of the party. So, when planning our wedding, we decided we'd have the wedding at noon, have a really nice luncheon and no alcohol, although our venue has an open bar for random golfers that is attached to the room where our reception will be. Early wedding because my alcoholic family members are sober-er earlier and less so as the day progresses. Venue says they can leave word with the bartender to just not serve particular people (i.e. wicked sister), however I think that's a bad idea because not only is that really harsh (not saying she probably deserves it) but she really comes out swinging (verbally) when backed into a corner. I am afraid she is going to show up smashed and loudly make all sorts of jokes about my age vs. FH's, just be a jerk in general, act like a stripper, etc. and it's got my stomach in knots already. She continually compares FH to XH (they are NOTHING alike) and that will not go over well with his family, this wedding to 1st wedding, etc. Then out of the blue last night called me up claiming to have seen the light of day through counseling (lawyer recommended to avoid DUI charges-but still drinking) and wanting to help in any way possible to make this the wedding we deserve and make it up to me all the past stuff and blah blah blah. Now what do I do? I want to give her a chance, especially if she is really going to therapy, but can I count on her, and can I even stand being in the same room with her? AND, she is going to flip when she finds out I've asked my other sister and daughter to be BMs and not her...HELP! (sorry so long and rambly)

tropical.dreams

Whoa, girl! Your'e all over the place! First thing you have to do is CHILL OUT. Why do you want to be so stressed about "what if's" on your wedding day? You're not serving alcohol, end of story. Be cool with that. It's not a tragedy. And all you can really do is sit down with your family members and tell them that you really appreciate that they're willing to put past issues behind them as they come celebrate your special day. If you say it that way, yes, it's a little passive aggressive, but it won't add feul to the fire, and it'll hopefully get the message across.

How old are you and your FI? I ask because when I was younger, age meant a lot to me, but as I've gotten older, it doesn't matter one whit. I'm going to be 33 in March, and FI will be 31 in July, and really, it's not about numbers, it's about maturity. And it should have NOTHING to do with anything regarding your wedding.  

mybooboos

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but first off, take a deep breath remember, the ultimate goal is to marry the man that you love - regardless of age differences and difficult family members.

Alcoholism is a disease, which you, as her sister, cannot control. If you feel your sister can stand up for you and be the Bridesmaid that you want/need her to be, than ask her - but keep in mind that there is the possibility that she may not come through.  Which one is the least offensive - having her act out due to you not asking her to be a BM, or asking her, and she's not supportive, and/or continues to act out.  I don't really see much upside with either of these, therefore I'd say, keep your distance from her during your wedding planning process, when she's in her  "debbie downer" mode.. She can't harshly critique you or your plans, if she doesn't know what the plans are.  If she's truly trying to turn her life around, support her, but be cautious that it may be only temporary.

Lisa50

Yeah, I'm with PP ... please, please chill.  Breathe and relax.  Take a deep breath or two.  Age is just a number. 

The age difference between the two of you will not change.  If it bothers deeply, you should  figure out why.  And, once you figure it out, you might want to sit down and walk through it -- talk it out -- with your FI.

In the meantime, breathe and relax.  Regarding all the other stuff, make a list and break it down into weekly, achievable tasks.  That should make it easier to handle.  Hang in there!

Tamiam30

I'm 40 and FH is 25. When it's just he and I, I don't even think about the age thing. My kids don't think about it, or at least they don't comment about it, and they love FH. But I know in the past it has been an issue with some members of his family, and to be honest, some members of my extended family. My sister just has a way of knowing the one issue that will cause the most fireworks and throwing it out there; in this instance the age thing would make me the most uncomfortable knowing that there are definitely people who would be there that are not really "okay" with it.

MikesAngie

Tough love is the best way to deal with alcoholics, especially those active in their disease.  If she creates drama on your wedding day, ask her to leave or have someone escort her out.  It's your day not hers and if she cannot play nicely without embarassing you or creating drama then call her a cab and enjoy the peace.

Yes it's hard to be thick skinned, but I am sure that if you let her know that her bad behavior will be in no way tolerated she may surprise you. 

Age differences only matter if you dwell on it... 

right1thistime

As far as her helping at the wedding, I agree with the tough love.  "Sis, I truly hope that you have found sobriety.  More than any other gift you could give to me, remaining sober and dignified at my wedding is the one thing I really want from you.  I know this is a stressful time, so I am not going to ask anything else of you.  And if you can do that for me, you will have made my day more perfect than I could have asked for.  Can I count on you?"

And have a bouncer lined up to take her sorry butt home or at least OUT if she does anything else. ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree with EVERYTHING Donna said above.

I peeked at your bio and see your wedding is still 8 months away. That's a loooooong time in an alcoholic's life, to either straighten up or relapse, or do both  several times. I speak from experience because my fiance's 30 y/o son has dealt with this problem for the entire 3 years I've known him. He can't hold a job (buys booze with first check), has been in and out of rehab homes and facilities, wracked up tens of thousands in medical debt because he never applied for Medicaid........... it never fricken ends. He calls and gives the "I'm committed THIS time" speech just before he relapses. E.V.E.R.Y.    T.I.ME.

At this point he is in the rehab "home" for the 3rd time, supposed to be 6 months every time. We are making NO plans for his attendance or place in the wedding until maybe a day before. Our wedding is in the evening because everyone else has their drinking under control. If he is able to attend, we will be sure to have someone assigned to be his personal shadow the entire time we are there. I am NOT stressing about this as you are, mostly because I know none of it is within my control. The alcohol is in control with this person.

I would say exactly what Donna posted, and wish your sister well. IF she can maintain her sobriety (and honestly, for everyone's sake, I hope she does), you will make sure to include her in some very special way. However, her job right now is getting and staying sober, and you can't expect anything else.

OT: My parents got married 60 years ago. My dad's brother was an alcoholic who died of liver disease before he was 40. My dad, the groom,  had to punch him out at his OWN wedding, because he was such an ass, ruining their wedding day.

AbbeyS2011

My esteemed second wedding sisters have already said all that needs to be said, so I hesitate to add anything more, except my congratulations that you have found a wonderful man to spend your life with. 

thealphabride

Congrats and welcome to the board! I totally agree wtih what the other ladies have said, and I  wanted to welcome you.

I think  expecting her to be sober and dignified for the wedding is a great idea. Is she's not sober at that time make it clear to her she is not welcome. We did this with my husband's sister. In fact, she is such a drama queen, I told his mother we wouldn't make the decision until very close to the wedding within a week of the wedding.

My opinion is to give her a chance. Dont' ask her to stand up with you,, but perhaps find a special project she can help you with, if she stays sober.

Make it very clear, and here comes the tough love part: YOU will NOT be welcome at my wedding UNLESS you are sober. Otherwise you aren't invited. Period.