Second Weddings

What to say to SD about why BM isn't invited to the wedding.

My FI has full custody of his 2 kids (9 & 13).  The kids live with us and see BM eowe(her choice).  The kids and I get along very well.  I was talking to SD9 the other day and she said she was excited about the wedding but sad that her mom wasn't invited.  Luckily someone entered the room and SD changed the subject.  I didn't want her to think I was avoiding her comment (and maybe she wasn't looking for one) so I told her we'd pick up the conversation later. She hasn't brought it up again, but what do we tell her if she asks why her Mom isn't invited or if her Mom can come?  I spoke to FI about this and he was thinking he would say something like, 'if this was your party or graduation etc, your mom would be invited, but this is for FI and I"  I didn't think that was good because it kind of makes it sound like she's not part of this, which she is.  Any thoughts?

Re: What to say to SD about why BM isn't invited to the wedding.

  • mybooboosmybooboos member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think your FI should be part of this conversation.  Explaining that she now has two families means that sometimes she does some things with one family, and other things with the other family.  Therefore, she may have a special traditions and events that's shared between her and her mom, and also have special traditions and events that are for her newly created family...and the wedding and party are to celebrate the newly created family.

    Hope that helps
    Presentation is everything!! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    How long have they been divorced? At 9 and 13, the kids probably already picked up that now they do things separately.

    My case was a little different, my ex actually asked my 7yo daughter over the phone if he was invited. I matter of factly said no, and she conveyed the message, and was fine with that.
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Here is what happened in my case: my ex got married about 4 years ago. Our daughter was a bridesmaid in their WP. I was NEVER going to be invited because ex's wife HATES me, which was fine with me, didn't want to go. However, I did ask permission to see our daughter all dressed up.........nope, she wouldn't allow it. To this DAY I have never even seen a picture of her dressed up for the wedding.

    Fastforward to my wedding. My ex and I have a friendly relationship and were sitting at our daughter's soccer game Wednesday. I asked if he wanted to come over and see our daughter when she was all dressed up before we left for the wedding.......hell, I'd even get some pics of them together if he wanted. He said "Your wedding day is so busy, blah blah, you have no idea". I told him we already had a pretty good schedule nailed down, but that he could come over any time that day (we are getting ready at my house) to see her.

    This might be an arrangement you can be willing to make for future SD's peace of mind. Explain that it's not customary for the ex to attend the wedding, but you will be more than willing to make time for her to see "their" daughter all dressed up and ready to leave........even take pics of them together.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you for your suggestions.  I don't have a problem giving BM pics of SS & SD all dressed up, but we're having the wedding at a remote location (over 2 hrs away from BM) and for her to come all the way out there to see the kids before the wedding would not be practical unless we were inviting her (which we don't want to do).  I'd rather have FI explain to SD (I think SS understands) why BM isn't invited the way the 1st poster mentioned will do the trick.  (BTW parents have been apart over 4 years) 
  • edited December 2011
    Mybooboos got it completely right, that is how my parents handled situations like that when I was growing up with a BM, a BF, a SM and a SF all parenting me. It's going to be hard to phrase it but the more upfront you are with your SD the more likely she will be able to understand the situation.
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