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Future Stepdaughter Issues

I am an older bride (52) with two children, marrying a great guy(64) with five children. All but one of our kids are married and totally supportive of our upcoming marriage. But there's the one...only single daughter of his that has said some unbelievable things. Prior to announcing our engagement she asked her dad not to get remarried until her mother (his ex) had "healed" from their divorce of 18 months and had found a boyfriend for herself. He told her no. Then the latest is that at dinner last week she asked us not to married until 2011, even though she knows site is booked and all arrangements have been made for 2/13/2010 wedding. She also indicated she has another wedding to go to that night and doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. Then had the nerve to ask if we would supply her a cab home that night (if she comes) implying she'll be drinking heavily! She's not a child, she's 30.

We both told her that we would miss her if she wasn't there but of course would be her choice whether to attend. Also that we would not be having a cab there waiting for her. 

Her siblings are ticked at her for making up an excuse not to attend. they say she doesn't have another wedding to go to.

Her dad has tended to spoil her in the past since she's the only single daughter but knows she's out of line on what she's saying. She would like to be the one controlling things, he isn't going for it. 

i'm sorry, maybe i'm old fashioned but i'm appalled that a stepchild would plan on deliberately getting drunk at our wedding celebration. THis is going to take place in a very elegant country club not a bar.

FYI, her father and i met a year ago and i had nothing to do with the end of his marriage.

Any thoughts?

Re: Future Stepdaughter Issues

  • edited December 2011
    You two are on the same page, and have done all the appropriate things and said the appropriate sayings. Have your wedding when you've planned it.  IF she doesn't come, I'm sorry for your Fi.  He could tap one of the other siblings to beher "keeper" for  the  evening, to be sure she doesn't drive if she gets too drunk- and to take the worry off her Dad.  Talk to your venue and assure them that you are counting on the bartender to shut off any overly pickled guests, family or not- and that you will support their call on this.  If there's a coordinator, you could tell him/her the story, and point out the troubled child early on so the coordinator can tip off the bartender to BOLO her. 

    Then-- let it go and enjoy your celebration.  You will thwart her most if she doesn't get to be the cener of her Daddy's attention that day.  ~Donna
  • handfast4mehandfast4me
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    What Donna said.  EXACTLY. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • jeannigirljeannigirl
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I say this she is an adult if she has intentions of getting slooshed then she needs to make sure that she calls a cab or make some arrangements to get herself home. Its not dads responsibility or yours she needs to grow up and act like an adult.
    Dad needs to stop babying her if he is still doing that. That is enabling her to not grow up and keep acting like a spoiled overindulged little girl.

    You two need to focus on your lifes together. On the other issue of her having another wedding to go to has she states, then that is her decision to make. How terrible that she would even consider missing her fathers wedding but she sounds very selfish.

    Have a great wedding day and enjoy each other. Celebrate together the love you have found in each other. It is special and wrao that around yourselves.
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011

    I agree with everyone else, exactly! I have a 15 yr old daughter who isn't thrilled with my marriage, but only because she's enjoyed having me to herself while her dad married someone she doesn't like, and who is not nice to her.

    I really feel for you, but you and her dad have handled everything well, and she can take it from there............ be mature, behave, or not.

    As you have stated the facts, perhaps her Mom has not been able to bounce back as well as your fiance has. Still, if he has a pretty good relationship with his ex, or even if they talk, he can approach his ex and tell her what this daughter has said, and depending on what the daughter does, you know either the ex is behind the negativity, or it's just the daughter acting in a bratty way.

    You can also try to talk to her again, and let her know that once a child grows up, it's time to put aside the childish selfish feelings and show support for your family. And I agree, tell one of the other siblings to keep an eye on her, to take the pressure off both of you on your special day,

    It is hard to blend families sometimes. My son did not like my daughter's dad. In the end, he was right, but it took a long time and a lot of soul searching and counseling before I understood this was the wrong person for me to make a life with. It sounds like you have the support of the majority. They will help you through this, and if it means she's isolated in her childish, selfish behavior, then so be it.

    Enjoy the rest of the planning for your special day, with the person you will spend the rest of your life with, and in every way possible make it clear to her that she can act any way she wants, it won't ruin it for you..........and then do everything you can to shut her off at every turn of her manipulative behaviors. Prepare for this as well as you have prepared your special day, then let it go.

    Good luck.

  • edited December 2011

    Thanks for all the ideas.

    Sue  wondered if the ex was behind the girls behavior and to a certain extent yes. She has wanted the children to take sides during the divorce and has caused problems for the kids if she thinks they spend too much time with their Dad. THey seem to like their dad better. The daughter causing these issues is the one closest to her mother but the girl has always caused problems according to her dad. Even when he was still married to her mother. She has always wanted to be the center of attention and her sibs have always gotten into it with her.

    I'm sure a lot of what's going on now, is her way of "defending" her mother. I have done pretty well taking other things she's done with a grain of salt but kinda got my back up when she's indicating she's going to be a problem at the wedding.

    I'll feel bad for my fiance if she isn't there because i'm sure he would like to have all his kids present. I know it won't stop either of us from enjoying our day however. it just will always be remembered that she chose not to come.

  • hollieheidihollieheidi
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    She's 30??????? Really?

    I know you want to have a good relationship with ALL of your children, both yours and his, but honestly you can't change her behavior and SHE is the only one responsible for her behavior.  Not her father, not you, not her siblings, and not her mother.  She is a grown woman.

    Enjoy your planning, enjoy your fiancee, and don' worry about what you can't control.  You can try and prevent it, but if she wants to make a scene it sounds like with her drama queen attitude she WILL find a way either on that day or another.  You're almost better off not t have her there.

    I understand how frustrating it must be to see your fiancee hurt over this, but I'm sure you will have a beautiful day and a great life together.  Glad you can be there for him.

  • occbyemoccbyem
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you've handled the situation with your future step-daughter really reasonably thus far.  It's great that she is willing to even ask you the hard (and perhaps inappropriate) questions because that may give your fiance and you the opening to be honest with her in return, whether it's something she wants to hear or not.

    I agree with the reader who suggested another sibling as her keeper in case she is intoxicated.  Her ability to practice self-control should not be a worry for your husband on your wedding night.  As a wedding planner, I also know that it is customary (and probably a law) that the venues keep watch for guests that may need to be cut off, or will suggest calling a cab for them.

    Hope this is helpful and that things work out better in the end than they seem to be right now.  May you both be very, very happy!

  • edited December 2011

    Sounds like the wedding day is the least of the problems. Bottom line is she
    his daughter regardless of how old she is and what seems to be unreasonable behavior. He will never have peace with himself and you might eventually resent each other over this, its just not worth it.I would postpone the wedding indefinately until she is willing to let go of her anger. She has every right to be angry, that is her father. Their relationship is priority over yours and his, even though she is over 18. At this point you need to ask yourself if having your way on your "one day" is more important than having peace in the rest of yours and his lives. Someone needs to be the adult here. Reconsider even marrying him if he would even think of cutting off ties to that daughter to be with anyone. His priorities are whacked.

  • edited December 2011
    I have a soon to be step son who is acting the same way. The problem though is that he is young, very wrong and instead of saying things like "can you push the wedding off for a while for my moms sake" he just throws a temper tantrum and causes physical harm to himself and tells his mother that we beat him. Not only are the stories way off (with power tools and such) but the woman believes him. He also says that his father (my FI) is not his dad anymore, his mother's FI is his dad now. It's gotten soo out of hand. And short of a lifetime at the shrinks and spending most of every other weekend in time out, I am out of ideas. It doesn't matter what age kid they are, they are all such a pain when they don't get their way! Any suggestions?
  • edited December 2011

    Thank you for the constuctive advice offered here. I'll ignore Ariana88 since she seems to be out in left field.
    All will be fine on our wedding day, all of our children will be there for which I am very grateful.
    It is good to have these issues come up so you can see how you deal with them together as a couple. When you combine families, these things are bound to happen. What's important is how the couple handles it.
    Wishing you all the best in your future weddings.

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