To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?

jskelcher

Well, to start my husband and I were informally married in June, we did this strictly for legal reasons. Long story short  my ex-husband was causing more fuss and trouble which was squashed when we went to the J.P. Now, my family understood that this was just the legal formality that could not be stalled any longer, we were put in a position that waiting for our wedding day in  June 2013 was just not possible.... So my dilema is this, we have been planning and saving for our wedding ceremony and reception for years now, and because we went to the J.P. my family is now convinced (shown through thier lack of support) that I should not have the ceremony. Stating that my younger sister is getting married in the summer of the same year (and I could take away from her big day)! With total disregaurd to my feelings, when the subject of my ceremony comes up, it is quickly talked about and I am sternly asked if I am going to "go through with IT or not". I was also informed that my parents will not be attending if I do, because they will be on vacation at that time.... So my question is this, should I just throw in the towel and not have my ceremony and focus on my sisters (who has named me the Matron of Honor with her Maid of Honor having all the responsibility) or should I continue forward with our original plans? I am stuck, my heart is breaking because I know my family really does not care much for my husband, and they truly do not care for me to have a ceremony. They are investing in my sisters wedding instead and that is always being thrown in my face as well. *sigh*  any advice???

jennylee813

You've already had your wedding - it was the day you said your vows in front of the JP. That's your wedding, you do not get a do over.

That said, you can have a party to celebrate your marriage, but since it's not a wedding, it's not appropriate to have any of the following:

-wedding dress
-bridal party
-showers/bachlorette parties
-cutting of the cake
-gifts
-first dance

I'm sorry if you feel that your family isn't being supportive, but they have a point. You had your wedding, now it's time for your sister to have hers.

And honestly, isn't is more important to be married to the person you love than to have a ppd? Being together is what the day is about, not the dress. Be happy that you are married, and use the money you've saved for something else - maybe put it towards your home, or take a trip together.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:5a5d840e-0e23-4bd6-b70c-1832ad4f26dd">To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, to start my husband and I were informally married in June, we did this strictly for legal reasons. Long story short  my ex-husband was causing more fuss and trouble which was squashed when we went to the J.P. Now, my family understood that this was just the legal formality that could not be stalled any longer, we were put in a position that waiting for our wedding day in  June 2013 was just not possible.... <strong>So my dilema is this, we have been planning and saving for our wedding ceremony and reception for years now, and because we went to the J.P. my family is now convinced (shown through thier lack of support) that I should not have the ceremony. </strong>Stating that my younger sister is getting married in the summer of the same year (and I could take away from her big day)! With total disregaurd to my feelings, when the subject of my ceremony comes up, it is quickly talked about and I am sternly asked if I am going to "go through with IT or not". I was also informed that my parents will not be attending if I do, because they will be on vacation at that time.... So my question is this, should I just throw in the towel and not have my ceremony and focus on my sisters (who has named me the Matron of Honor with her Maid of Honor having all the responsibility) or should I continue forward with our original plans? I am stuck, my heart is breaking because I know my family really does not care much for my husband, and they truly do not care for me to have a ceremony. They are investing in my sisters wedding instead and that is always being thrown in my face as well. *sigh*  any advice???
Posted by jskelcher[/QUOTE]

My advice is this ... take a few deep breaths.  Then, take a few more.  Ask yourself this question, "Am I married?"  And, your response is this: "Yes, I am married to the man I love."  Revel in that, delight in it. Your original plans were tossed out the window when you chose to get married in June. It seems like you're really having a problem accepting that. But, it's done. 

Your family can only throw something in your face if you allow it.  You need to find a way to be happy. And, don't talk about your wedding anymore with them. You're married.

Take the money you've saved and invest it in your retirement.  Carve some out for a really nice dinner with friends or a romantic weekend away.  Put the balance away and think about the security it will provide for you in the future.

Do you want to be your sister's maid of honor? If so, confirm it with her and help her out. She's moving forward with her plans. Ride it out and enjoy it!

nraymond1

I guess my thought is there's no reason you can't do a ceremony, to me it really would be similar to a vow renewal. If you want to do it, do it. No reason you should be denied that just because your ex was causing trouble. 

Even if you don't do the ceremony, I'd say you should still get to celebrate. My fiance and I debated doing a court wedding since I'm having a baby in February and I want the baby to have that feeling of legitimacy. (We eventually decided it wasn't as big of a deal anymore and it'd be better to show him pics of a ceremony and party that demonstrated our love rather than just rushing to accomodate some societal rule). But we did plan even then to have a party at some point so our two families could mix and come celebrate with us.

I really struggle against all these people (no offense to anyone!) that say there are steadfast rules for weddings. It's your day, you do what you want. If someone isn't happy about it or doesn't want to go, all you can do is shrug and let it go. You can only control your actions. I don't think it's worth a huge fight with your family, if they can't be there, that's sad, you'd like it if they could, but you want it so do it. It sounds like you already had this scheduled anyway, which means your sister's was also probably scheduled in advance, so as long as they're not the same day, you're not taking anything away from anyone. You're just trying to establish a foundation for your marriage that isn't caught up in the mire of your previous marriage. 

Makes sense to me.

missv19732000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:017c25d0-43eb-4957-ac79-be258e6e6b13">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess my thought is there's no reason you can't do a ceremony, to me it really would be similar to a vow renewal. If you want to do it, do it. No reason you should be denied that just because your ex was causing trouble.  Even if you don't do the ceremony, I'd say you should still get to celebrate. My fiance and I debated doing a court wedding since I'm having a baby in February and I want the baby to have that feeling of legitimacy. (We eventually decided it wasn't as big of a deal anymore and it'd be better to show him pics of a ceremony and party that demonstrated our love rather than just rushing to accomodate some societal rule). But we did plan even then to have a party at some point so our two families could mix and come celebrate with us. I<strong> really struggle against all these people (no offense to anyone!) that say there are steadfast rules for weddings. It's your day, you do what you want. If someone isn't happy about it or doesn't want to go, all you can do is shrug and let it go.</strong> You can only control your actions. I don't think it's worth a huge fight with your family, if they can't be there, that's sad, you'd like it if they could, but you want it so do it. It sounds like you already had this scheduled anyway, which means your sister's was also probably scheduled in advance, so as long as they're not the same day, you're not taking anything away from anyone. You're just trying to establish a foundation for your marriage that isn't caught up in the mire of your previous marriage.  Makes sense to me.
Posted by nraymond1[/QUOTE]

I agree.  The word wedding can be used as an adjective (as in wedding dress, wedding ceremony).  What it sounds like she wants is the wedding reception.  I feel that although she got married, she didn't have a "wedding" and if she wants one and can afford it, who cares what anyone else thinks.

jennylee813

*sigh

...She HAD her wedding. It was in front of a justice of the peace. To say that you are "informally married" (see bold) is both incorrect and highly insulting to the people who choose to have civil ceremonies. You get married when you say your vows and sign the license - which has already happened.

Have a celebration, sure, but again, it isn't a wedding unless you and your husband get divorced and remarried in June. Be content that you actually get to be legally married to the love of your life and move on. Not everyone can say that.

Suck it up, move on, and put the money towards something for the future. You are ALREADY married.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:5a5d840e-0e23-4bd6-b70c-1832ad4f26dd">To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, to start my husband and I were <strong>informally married</strong> in June, we did this strictly for legal reasons. Long story short  my ex-husband was causing more fuss and trouble which was squashed when we went to the J.P. Now, my family understood that this was just the legal formality that could not be stalled any longer, we were put in a position that waiting for our wedding day in  June 2013 was just not possible.... So my dilema is this, we have been planning and saving for our wedding ceremony and reception for years now, and because we went to the J.P. my family is now convinced (shown through thier lack of support) that I should not have the ceremony. Stating that my younger sister is getting married in the summer of the same year (and I could take away from her big day)! With total disregaurd to my feelings, when the subject of my ceremony comes up, it is quickly talked about and I am sternly asked if I am going to "go through with IT or not". I was also informed that my parents will not be attending if I do, because they will be on vacation at that time.... So my question is this, should I just throw in the towel and not have my ceremony and focus on my sisters (who has named me the Matron of Honor with her Maid of Honor having all the responsibility) or should I continue forward with our original plans? I am stuck, my heart is breaking because I know my family really does not care much for my husband, and they truly do not care for me to have a ceremony. They are investing in my sisters wedding instead and that is always being thrown in my face as well. *sigh*  any advice???
Posted by jskelcher[/QUOTE]

anssett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:5e6f710a-2fd3-47aa-a573-d673792d1cd8">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : I agree.  The word wedding can be used as an adjective (as in wedding dress, wedding ceremony).  What it sounds like she wants is the wedding reception.  I feel that although she got married, she didn't have a "wedding" and if she wants one and can afford it, who cares what anyone else thinks.
Posted by missv19732000[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm in this camp. There's the black & white rules of what a wedding is and isn't, and then there's everyone's reality. You are married, but you didn't have a wedding reception. You didn't have a party with the people you love to celebrate your marriage. You want to. You have every right in the world to do it. If you want to wear a giant white dress, you can. The people on this board that tell you 'you aren't allowed' are wrong. You're an adult. Your family drama might sway what you do and when, but having a party to celebrate your recent marriage is perfectly reasonable. If you waited 2 years, I'd be curious why. You waited a few months for a potentially great reason (I don't really get the details but it doesn't matter).</div><div>
</div><div>My FI and I are CHOOSING to get married in April with only a couple people, then have a giant party celebration in July. Why? Lots of reasons but they're really ours not other people's to stress about. If the boards want to judge me, they can. I'm still going to be married, happy, and have my party. You can too.</div>

missv19732000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:b9fceffa-d054-457d-b7dc-9817710111b1">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]A wedding is when two people get married.  Period.  There are various styles of weddings, from the courthouse to Will's and Kate's.  If you got married, it was a WEDDING. So yes, there are rules.  They are called LAWS and ETIQUETTE. If you weren't married, you'd need another marriage license for the second ceremony, wouldn't you? It's your day, you do what you want. Terrible Wedding Idea #1, according to the wonderful Miss Manners. She's right, too. It stops being "your day" the moment you involve others in it....and you already had your day. You're married. Have an anniversary party, for goodness sakes.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Yes.  A wedding is when  2 people get married, thanks for reminding me.  Yes, they are legally married already.  However, if they want to have a party there are no laws saying they cannot.  You are using the word LAWS rather loosely.  Etiquette is a set of expectations.  In our day to day dealings with people we may have certain expectations of them, but they may not necessarily be fulfilled.  If someone doesn't say thank you when I hold the door open for them, does it piss me off?  Yes, but perhaps that person can't speak.  I MOVE on...I didn't get what I expected but I am still alive to talk about it.</div><div>
</div><div>The "others" have a choice - they can participate or not.  It's up to the couple to do what they want and deal with the consequences which may include some backlash from family, or this case, The Knot board members.  It is something that has to be carefully thought out - yes, but to say they CAN'T is incorrect, in my opinion.</div>

anssett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:37753cd7-9d3f-4c2c-a7e9-46c49d75730e">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette is a set of expectations.  In our day to day dealings with people we may have certain expectations of them, but they may not necessarily be fulfilled. 
Posted by missv19732000[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS!!! Etiquette also varies widely between communities. There are families where a potluck reception is expected and fancy 'waste of money' parties are considered showing off. There are other families where the fancy party is expected and a potluck is 'tacky and trashy'. Neither is right. They're just the expectations of the community. I live in a city that's pretty informal, and have a group of friends/family that are REALLY informal. If I threw a party with charger plates I'd have 20 friends ask me what they are and why they're there (I just looked this one up because it was suggested for my registry and I'd never heard of them). Am I trashy for not knowing what a charger plate is or caring? No. I have a different set of priorities. They're mine and in my world the Ms. Manners etiquette doesn't exist. People get so offended by the semantics of what should be and shouldn't be part of a wedding. Why? Is it worth your time to police the culture of other people? Ok. I'm done ranting.</div>

jskelcher

Wow, thank you all so much for responding! The positive and negative comments are both welcome. Let me clarify that we did go to the J.P. and we do have our marriage liscense. However, we did not have a celebration. I've decided to go ahead with our original plan. After some reflecting and rereading of old emails corresponding that we would have a ceremony and reception on our 1 year anniversary. This is for US and OUR friends and family to celebrate our union together and as a bringing of the families together party. Yes, I am going to have a dress, yes I am going to have a bridal party, NO I am not accepting gift and YES I AM going to have the time of my life celebrating with my husband. I have reflected a great deal on this matter, and although it sounds very selfish of me to go forward with our original plans. My family and all those who understand our not so unique situation, were aware of what the plan was. So my fears of this being socially acceptable, competing with and taking away from my sisters wedding have also been quashed during this reflection. In this century the word wedding can mean many different things. And for me this is more the official union of our families, the adoption of my daughter and her name change and the celebration of the union of two people who have been through war, hell and almost death and their relationship has survived and blossomed into that unbreakable bond. I am fully aware of how lucky I am to not only have the ability to go forward with this event, but also have the wisdom that this is not all about me walking down the aisle in a white gown, this is everything about the people I love and sharing one hell of a night with them all. So the possibility that this is socially and etiquettely inappropriate, and better yet a tabboo...Welcome to the contemporary age.of humanity.

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:6c506053-fd52-4415-b86d-5c086a9f8bd6">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : THIS!!! Etiquette also varies widely between communities. There are families where a potluck reception is expected and fancy 'waste of money' parties are considered showing off. There are other families where the fancy party is expected and a potluck is 'tacky and trashy'. Neither is right. They're just the expectations of the community. I live in a city that's pretty informal, and have a group of friends/family that are REALLY informal. If I threw a party with charger plates I'd have 20 friends ask me what they are and why they're there (I just looked this one up because it was suggested for my registry and I'd never heard of them). Am I trashy for not knowing what a charger plate is or caring? No. I have a different set of priorities. They're mine and in my world the Ms. Manners etiquette doesn't exist. People get so offended by the semantics of what should be and shouldn't be part of a wedding. Why? <strong>Is it worth your time to police the culture of other people?</strong> Ok. I'm done ranting.  Posted by anssett[/QUOTE]


I have never, nor will ever spend one minute "policing the culture of other people".  HOWEVER, if you ONLY want the opinions of your family & friends, and you ONLY want the input of the insular community in which you operate, please tell me WHY you would post on an international message board & ASK for the opinions of others?   

Here's an example from my own wedding planning.  In my community, and in the circle of family & friends that have invited me to their weddings, I would say that 85% of them have had a cash bar.  It never occurred to me that anyone would think that a cash bar is rude or in poor taste as the host of an event.  As a newly engaged adult woman, I came to the Knot & read, with a critical eye, all the posts about a cash bar.  Rather than rail against the wisdom, some of which is opposite to the conventional thinking that is common in my social circle, I <strong><em>listened</em></strong>.  I weighed what the proponents & opponents were saying.  I weighed the options.  I also recognized - which I was unlikely to have done had I not listened - that with this wedding there were guests outside of my common social circle who <u>might</u> have a different view and who <u>might </u>view a cash bar as rude or in poor taste.  I discussed it with my DH, we evaluated our budget, and we made a decision.  Plenty of our guests were shocked that we hosted an open bar.  But in the end, we hosted what we believed was the appropriate celebration. 

I believe that the majority of us remaining on this board over the years have a desire to share our expertise, our experience and our insight into the planning of a <strong><u>SECOND (or subsequent)WEDDINGs</u></strong>.  The Knot has chosen to not host a Vow Renewal board as of now.  We share our opinions about that particular event, clouded by the fact that we would prefer to welcome encore brides here, and offer support and encouragement.  Not one of us cares a whit about what someone else hosts for a vow renewal anywhere in this country.  We are not on campaign to end vow renewals, nor pretty princess days, nor do-overs.  But when you come onto the board where we spend our time providing answers to questions, you are going to get OUR answers to your questions.  It would take any already married, I want the party woman about 5 minutes to lurk & read the posts here & recognize what our answers will be.  Since they <strong><em>choose </em></strong>to either not bother doing that, or ignore what we've written to everyone else with the exact same question - the consequence of that choice is that we don't agree with what they are doing.  Which, IMHO, is the crux of the entire matter - making choices and being willing to live with the consequences of that choice. 

There's not one iota of offended in my being.  What anyone else does, as long as they are not doing it to me, has no impact on my little world.  However, just because you don't like the answers we give you, doesn't mean we don't have some substance to our answers.  That sentiment is rampant on the Knot, frankly.   But since each of these posters believes in their own absolute unique circumstances, rather than understanding that most situations are archetypical, they refuse to read in order to learn.  So be it.  I intend to answer as I see fit.  Agree with me or don't, it just doesn't matter to me.  ~Donna

jennylee813

Exactly what Donna has said.

OP came here to ask if it was okay to do this, and got honest answers. Obviously she doesn't want them, because when she asked "is it okay?" she must have meant to say, "I'm going to do it anyway and here's why it's okay."

Like Donna, I'm from a culture where cash bars are expected, but after reading what I've read on this site, we're open to the idea that some cultures consider this rude. We will be hosting an open bar (or partial bar). Since our wedding will be held at a private lodge we fully expect people to byob. Us providing some will be a pleasant surprise. I've taken the advice that I've gotten here and re-evaluated our plans so that our guests will have an even better experience at our wedding.

Think about your guests for a moment, instead of yourself. YOU might want a PPD, but most of your guests will be wondering why you're bothering since you're already married. And if they don't tell you (even though it sounds like your family is telling you this), they WILL be talking about you.

missv19732000

There are obviously strong opinions about this subject and that is perfectly fine.  That is what we are here to do -  voice our opinions.  The person who originally posted the question did not have a problem with anyone's opinion.  What I was personally trying to express is that there is more than one opinion.  Mine is that having another wedding is fine.  It seems like it's ok when people say, "No"  but once someone says "Yes, it is Ok" there is a problem, such as, being met with sarcasm and/or a condescending attitude.  I am sorry that The Knot does not have a Vow Renewal board, but this board is called Second Weddings, and if this poster chooses to have another wedding, guess what it will be?  It will be a Second Wedding for her and her current husband.

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:72aa0f49-2c66-46bc-9983-56999af87f19">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are obviously strong opinions about this subject and that is perfectly fine.  That is what we are here to do -  voice our opinions.  The person who originally posted the question did not have a problem with anyone's opinion.  <strong>What I was personally trying to express is that there is more than one opinion.</strong>  Mine is that having another wedding is fine.  It seems like it's ok when people say, "No"  but once someone says "Yes, it is Ok" there is a problem, such as, being met with sarcasm and/or a condescending attitude.  I am sorry that The Knot does not have a Vow Renewal board, but this board is called Second Weddings, and if this poster chooses to have another wedding, guess what it will be?  It will be a Second Wedding for her and her current husband.
Posted by missv19732000[/QUOTE]

What it appeared is that the PP was stating that we are <u>offended </u>by contrary opinions, and that she doesn't feel that defending <u>our</u> opinions is worthy of the time spent. 

Listen, I love to debate.  I will debate the merits of white versus dark versus milk chocolate or whether bing is better than rainier.  I will assert my position.  I will counter your point.  None of it is personal, unless you make it so.  I don't know you, or the OP, and my simple hope is to expand a bit of intellectual thought.  Or not so intellectual, in the case of wedding talk, sometimes. 

It does boggle the mind that someone (in this case NOT the OP) would state an opinion on an international board, and when faced with alternate opinions, argue that within the microcosm of their universe, that opinion is not pertinent.  Well, um, sure.  I'd bet that in a debate about formal wear, there are folks who would indicate that new denim overalls are acceptable in their circle.   That isn't untrue, but it is also not going to be widely supported in a more global perspective.  The consequence of asking a global audience a question is that you will receive a global view in response, and that the local view will not be king.  You have a choice as to where you obtain your advice, and thusly have to accept that what you get back will depend on where you asked.

What exactly do you find sarcastic or condescending?  I just don't see it.  ~Donna

ETA: better reading comprehension

missv19732000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:df2fa830-c3db-4400-93c0-d2c149cd17c1">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : What it appeared is that the PP was stating that we are offended by contrary opinions, and that she doesn't feel that defending our opinions is worthy of the time spent.  Listen, I love to debate.  I will debate the merits of white versus dark versus milk chocolate or whether bing is better than rainier.  I will assert my position.  I will counter your point.  None of it is personal, unless you make it so.  I don't know you, or the OP, and my simple hope is to expand a bit of intellectual thought.  Or not so intellectual, in the case of wedding talk, sometimes.  It does boggle the mind that someone (in this case NOT the OP) would state an opinion on an international board, and when faced with alternate opinions, argue that within the microcosm of their universe, that opinion is not pertinent.  Well, um, sure.  I'd bet that in a debate about formal wear, there are folks who would indicate that new denim overalls are acceptable in their circle.   That isn't untrue, but it is also not going to be widely supported in a more global perspective.  The consequence of asking a global audience a question is that you will receive a global view in response, and that the local view will not be king.  You have a choice as to where you obtain your advice, and thusly have to accept that what you get back will depend on where you asked. What exactly do you find sarcastic or condescending?  I just don't see it.  ~Donna ETA: better reading comprehension
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Ok, so we have opposing views regarding the original topic. <em> </em>I am not offended by contrary opinions.  As far as the sarcasm and condescending attitudes, I was referring to many posts that I have read about this topic throughout this board, not just this particular thread.  What does ETA:  better reading comprehension mean?  I'm not sure if you are referring to me needing to have better reading comprehension skills or not.  Please excuse my ignorance and explain. 

nraymond1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:0a9475f9-095f-4eab-828a-09d72bcb04b5">Re:To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, thank you all so much for responding! The positive and negative comments are both welcome. Let me clarify that we did go to the J.P. and we do have our marriage liscense. However, we did not have a celebration. I've decided to go ahead with our original plan. After some reflecting and rereading of old emails corresponding that we would have a ceremony and reception on our 1 year anniversary. This is for US and OUR friends and family to celebrate our union together and as a bringing of the families together party. Yes, I am going to have a dress, yes I am going to have a bridal party, NO I am not accepting gift and YES I AM going to have the time of my life celebrating with my husband. I have reflected a great deal on this matter, and although it sounds very selfish of me to go forward with our original plans. My family and all those who understand our not so unique situation, were aware of what the plan was. So my fears of this being socially acceptable, competing with and taking away from my sisters wedding have also been quashed during this reflection. In this century the word wedding can mean many different things. And for me this is more the official union of our families, the adoption of my daughter and her name change and the celebration of the union of two people who have been through war, hell and almost death and their relationship has survived and blossomed into that unbreakable bond. I am fully aware of how lucky I am to not only have the ability to go forward with this event, but also have the wisdom that this is not all about me walking down the aisle in a white gown, this is everything about the people I love and sharing one hell of a night with them all. So the possibility that this is socially and etiquettely inappropriate, and better yet a tabboo...Welcome to the contemporary age.of humanity.
Posted by jskelcher[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good for you, hun! Congrats. And for everyone getting so nasty, I'd like to point out she specifically thanked EVERYONE for their opinions, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE. Which I found very big of her since some people I thought got a bit too rude. I'd suggest that we actually read everything before we go on a rampage and claim people didn't want the opinions. She asked, got answers, considered it, but ultimately, it is her decision. 

</div>

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:b37ddfce-ba0e-4fe3-848f-edcf0884c588">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : Ok, so we have opposing views regarding the original topic.  I am not offended by contrary opinions.  As far as the sarcasm and condescending attitudes, I was referring to many posts that I have read about this topic throughout this board, not just this particular thread.  What does ETA:  better reading comprehension mean?  I'm not sure if you are referring to me needing to have better reading comprehension skills or not.  Please excuse my ignorance and explain. 
Posted by missv19732000[/QUOTE]

ETA = edited to add
I had originally confused you with ansett, and used the term "you" instead of PP.  I was referring to ME needing better reading comprehension skills.  While I knew what I meant, I can see that you would not be able to read my mind, so thanks for asking. ~Donna

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:76dad75b-4774-4d4e-9d6d-fb4555a6cb6a">Re:To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : Good for you, hun! Congrats. And for everyone getting so nasty, I'd like to point out she specifically thanked EVERYONE for their opinions, POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE. Which I found very big of her since<strong> some people I thought got a bit too rude</strong>. I'd suggest that we actually read everything before <strong>we go on a rampage</strong> and claim people didn't want the opinions. She asked, got answers, considered it, but ultimately, it is her decision. 
Posted by nraymond1[/QUOTE]

I would request that you be specific as to (1) what you view as rude and (2) where would I find this rampage to which you refer. 

And I fully agree with your last sentence.  At the end of the day, she gets to make her decisions.  OP was actually quite diplomatic about her choice.  And as I previously stated, she was NOT to whom I was referring.  ~Donna

missv19732000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:f5555792-578a-4a6e-a7bd-2f276a1bb785">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : ETA = edited to add I had originally confused you with ansett, and used the term "you" instead of PP.  I was referring to ME needing better reading comprehension skills.  While I knew what I meant, I can see that you would not be able to read my mind, so thanks for asking. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Thank you.

ciligirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:0cc66f19-6e97-43bd-aa0c-e628e00eac69">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : I have never, nor will ever spend one minute "policing the culture of other people".  HOWEVER, if you ONLY want the opinions of your family & friends, and you ONLY want the input of the insular community in which you operate, please tell me WHY you would post on an international message board & ASK for the opinions of others?    Here's an example from my own wedding planning.  In my community, and in the circle of family & friends that have invited me to their weddings, I would say that 85% of them have had a cash bar.  It never occurred to me that anyone would think that a cash bar is rude or in poor taste as the host of an event.  As a newly engaged adult woman, I came to the Knot & read, with a critical eye, all the posts about a cash bar.  Rather than rail against the wisdom, some of which is opposite to the conventional thinking that is common in my social circle, I listened .  I weighed what the proponents & opponents were saying.  I weighed the options.  I also recognized - which I was unlikely to have done had I not listened - that with this wedding there were guests outside of my common social circle who might have a different view and who might view a cash bar as rude or in poor taste.  I discussed it with my DH, we evaluated our budget, and we made a decision.  Plenty of our guests were shocked that we hosted an open bar.  But in the end, we hosted what we believed was the appropriate celebration.  I believe that the majority of us remaining on this board over the years have a desire to share our expertise, our experience and our insight into the planning of a SECOND (or subsequent)WEDDINGs .  The Knot has chosen to not host a Vow Renewal board as of now.  We share our opinions about that particular event, clouded by the fact that we would prefer to welcome encore brides here, and offer support and encouragement.  <strong>Not one of us cares a whit about what someone else hosts for a vow renewal anywhere in this country</strong>.  We are not on campaign to end vow renewals, nor pretty princess days, nor do-overs.  But when you come onto the board where we spend our time providing answers to questions, you are going to get OUR answers to your questions. <strong> It would take any already married, I want the party woman about 5 minutes to lurk & read the posts here & recognize what our answers will be.  Since they choose to either not bother doing that, or ignore what we've written to everyone else with the exact same question - the consequence of that choice is that we don't agree with what they are doing.</strong>  Which, IMHO, is the crux of the entire matter - making choices and being willing to live with the consequences of that choice.  There's not one iota of offended in my being.  What anyone else does, as long as they are not doing it to me, has no impact on my little world.  However, just because you don't like the answers we give you, doesn't mean we don't have some substance to our answers.  That sentiment is rampant on the Knot, frankly.   But since each of these posters believes in their own absolute unique circumstances, rather than understanding that most situations are archetypical, they refuse to read in order to learn.  So be it.  I intend to answer as I see fit.  Agree with me or don't, it just doesn't matter to me.  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

I rarely spout off on any of these "debates", which quite frankly sometimes come off boorish and bullying, but if the posters really do not care what someone is doing for a vow renewal, like you claim, then why jump on the post and give your opinion in the first place...makes no sense to me.  Obviously you care or else why would you take the time to post about it.  I mean for crying out loud the moderator started a post on the "no need for do-overs"...like I am sure the vow renewal people get the message already.  But since there is no vow renewal board, and because this is probably the first board a person having a vow renewal comes to for advice and feedback, why can't we all just embrace them until they do find a home on the knot? 

I personally have a bigger problem with women who are on the 3 or 4th or + marriage and having the whole shebang (aka party princesses) as opposed to someone who wants to celebrate renewing their vows with the man they are already devoted to.  But that being said I wouldn't lay into them about their need for pre-marital counseling and pre-nups or how tacky I think they are.  Because that is just my opinion, and I do not know them or their situation and quite frankly who am I to judge.  And heck, maybe if I really did know then that wouldn't be my opinion.  Plus, this is the second wedding board, the knot already has an etiquette board.  They seem to get blurred sometimes.

I joined the knot to look at colors, flowers and find vendors.  And maybe once in a while get some input on what people think of some of my ideas.  But usually, I stick to my monthly board.  I rarely come to this board because I find a lot of the threads are like this one here.  It does get very negative and old sometimes.   It's a shame too because I have a hunch there are a lot of second brides out there who feel the same way.

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:ceab140b-924d-44dc-8bca-1509273256ed">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding? : I rarely spout off on any of these "debates", which quite frankly sometimes come off boorish and bullying, but <strong>if the posters really do not care what someone is doing for a vow renewal, like you claim, then why jump on the post and give your opinion in the first place...makes no sense to me.</strong>  Obviously you care or else why would you take the time to post about it.  I mean for crying out loud the moderator started a post on the "no need for do-overs"...like <strong>I am sure the vow renewal people get the message already</strong>.  But since there is no vow renewal board, and because this is probably the first board a person having a vow renewal comes to for advice and feedback, why can't we all just embrace them until they do find a home on the knot?  I personally have a bigger problem with women <strong><font color="#ff0000">who are on the 3 or 4th or + marriage and having the whole shebang (aka party princesses)</font></strong> as opposed to someone who wants to celebrate renewing their vows with the man they are already devoted to.  But that being said I wouldn't lay into them about their need for pre-marital counseling and pre-nups or how tacky I think they are.  Because that is just my opinion, and I do not know them or their situation and quite frankly who am I to judge.  And heck, maybe if I really did know then that wouldn't be my opinion.  Plus, this is the second wedding board, the knot already has an etiquette board.  They seem to get blurred sometimes. I joined the knot to look at colors, flowers and find vendors.  And maybe once in a while get some input on what people think of some of my ideas.  But usually, I stick to my monthly board.  I rarely come to this board because I find a lot of the threads are like this one here.  It does get very negative and old sometimes.   It's a shame too because I have a hunch there are a lot of second brides out there who feel the same way.
Posted by ciligirl[/QUOTE]

My point cili girl, is that this is not a personal affront. There's no skin off my nose if they have a re-wedding, a vow renewal, a do-over or any other event. I don't go looking for them. They COME HERE and <u>ask</u> for opinions. So they get them. You may find it boorish & bullying, but what exactly is the power difference that would make that so? How am I any more important than they are, so that me asserting my opinion forces something upon them? 
And to the point that I highlighted in red, I find your comments and the subsequent sentence highly insulting and inflammatory. There are certainly some people who are serial brides & grooms in this world. But who exactly are you referring to? And what brings YOU to Second Weddings, then? ~Donna 

ciligirl

Obviously, you do not understand the point I tried to make:  Vow Renewal people tend to come to this board, why even give them your opinion if you truly do not care, obviously you do care or you wouldn't post about it.  Why waste your time if you do not care as you claim?  And since they COME HERE because maybe they are not sure where to go on the knot,  I don't see why they can't be accepted.  I have no problem with people who are having a vow renewal posting on this board, and I am sure others feel the same. 

And clearly you missed my point about what you refer to as serial brides, I was not refering to anyone in particular.  I simply said that when I do see people post who are having their 3, 4, his 5th wedding and going all out with the big party, dress (and there have been posts like that), I don't post to them my feelings about what type of wedding they are planning.  Because who am I to judge them.  But unlike you, I hold back my opinion.

I come to this board because I am having my second wedding, I am a widow and I know there are other widows who come here.  I also go to the 40 + board, and the June 2013 board and the Cape and Boston boards. 

I just seriously do not see the big deal with someone who is having a vow renewal coming on this board.  They are probably closer to my demographic and I wouldn't mind getting their opinions too.

right1thistime

http://www.idotaketwo.com/experts/forum/11-wedding-vow-renewal-advice/


A board for vow renewals. 

lovefuzzies

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_to-have-a-wedding-or-not-to-have-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f850461-4767-4199-acdb-e46581b1e1d3Post:c25b9aa8-6575-4d09-b230-dc92f3fd5786">Re: To have a Wedding or Not to have a Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]...And clearly you missed my point about what you refer to as serial brides, I was not refering to anyone in particular.  I simply said that when I do see people post who are having their 3, 4, his 5th wedding and going all out with the big party, dress (and there have been posts like that), I don't post to them my feelings about what type of wedding they are planning.  Because who am I to judge them.  But unlike you, I hold back my opinion.
Posted by ciligirl[/QUOTE]

Please don't take this wrong but just because you hold back your opinion doesn't mean you're not judging.  It simply means you're judging in private.

As a 3rd time bride I'm hoping my family and friends are just happy that I'll be marrying a wonderful man.  If adding in the big white dress and all the other PPD fluff changes their opinions I would probably start wondering whether they truly had my happiness in mind.

nraymond1

I apologize profusely to the German community. As I am a German decendant, I certainly meant no harm. I'm very frequently seen it used as a term of endearment. But my apologies again for anyone I offended with my typo.

missv19732000

I guess we can discuss semantics all day long if we really wanted to, but that is not my intention.  Just wanted to let the original poster know that there are people on these boards that feel a second wedding, vow renewal or whatever one would like to call it is Ok for her situation.  I can only speak (or should I say write) for myself when I say I was not trying to purposely start trouble or stir things up on this thread. 

In an earlier post, I did mention that sometimes there are posts that can come across as a bit condescending.  Well, your last post about nraymond1's spelling of hon was a perfect example.  I am sure everyone on this board knew she meant hon as in honey and not a racist term directed toward German people.  I know you are the mod, but that was a bit extreme in my opinion. 

No need to flag or ban me.  I will not troll or lurk or post on this board anymore, thank you and have a wonderful day.

ciligirl

LoveFuzz, I know I do judge people, my kid calls me out on it all the time, we are all human and have opinions. And I do always, well almost always , try to remind myself maybe I wouldn't think that if I really knew them or their situation, so I do try to do that.  Because beleive me I have been judged and side eyed by many in my day.  That's all I was trying to get at. I know I am no angel for sure and but I also feel sometimes it is best to keep my opinions to myself or think before I type so that is what I try to do.  But I have also seen people really chastised, and on this board in particular. It is what has made me go to our month board more for feedback and camaraderie.  I just don't get what the bfd is, seriously to some people. The vow renewal brides come here simply because they think second wedding applies to them. Everyone has a right to their difference of opinions on what is proper or etiquette, or who belongs here and who doesn’t, and everyone has a right to express them if they choose too, I just feel some people could show a little more tact when expressing said opinions. Literally, Emily Post would roll over in her grave if she saw how some people throw the word "etiquette" around and the manner in which they speak to people.

Retread: I am one half German, my mother being 100% full blooded and my SIL full blooded too, If you were serious about your HUN post implying nraymond’s use of the word hun could be perceived as racist knowing the context she used it, well, quite frankly-  I think you are NUTS.  And that is not an acronym, or an abbreviation, or racist, or derogatory to any species I know, except to maybe a few squirrels.  Nuts, aka loopy, cray-cray, out of your mind.  IMHO that is.  Right?  Nothing wrong with handing those out here. 
Oh, and I did report you.

I am sure my daughter would be mortified.  But my German mother, eh, not so much.

Miss V:  I am with you huney!  Sooooo out of here.

Lisa50

Dang!  Miss a day ... miss a LOT.  Whew!

ciligirl

retread: It was not personal; it was my opinion of you if you were serious when you made your implication to the poster's misspelling and the manner in which you said it.   As the moderator, you should be able to understand context, but you used nraymonds post as an opportunity to jump up on your high horse and put someone in their place.  And you did a good job, nraymond felt horrible as was evident in her reply.  You could have said, “nraymond I know you didn’t mean it in any racist tone and that it was just the way you spelled it but I think it should be brought to everyone’s attention that the word Hun blah blah blah..." 
I was not aware I reported the abuse to you, as I sent my complaint via my personal email and not by clicking on any links on the knot.  So I have followed up by personally contacting the xogroup, the company that owns the knot.

I am requesting that you refrain from private messaging me again.  Thank you.

TheVirginians

Ciligirl, Retread had no attitude. Hold up a mirror.

jennylee813

Retread has done her part as an effective moderator (explaining the correct spelling of hon, and you blew it way out of proportion). She has been patient and diplomatic. Going 'over her head' is silly and immature. Get over yourself.