Doing what's right for our faith

d_may320

Hello,

  I am new to the site. My story short and sweet.  Married for six years, two children 5 and 2.  Marriage slowly fell apart through verbal and emotional abuse from the EX.  Jan. of this year I told him I wanted a divorce he wasn't happy and we tried counseling, but it was too late.  February I started talking to the man I am dating and March I moved out.  March my EX started dating someone and now they are getting married Dec. 12th(one week).  I and everyone was completely shocked simply because he didn't want this divorce and yet he is marrying so soon.  But, the kids really like her and they say they are very happy. So, I do wish him the best.

  I myself am scared because of the backlash I am afraid I will get from family and friends if I decide to marry my boyfriend.  We have the ring and we do want to marry each other we just don't know how soon is too soon?

  The reason we are considering getting married soon(like April) is because we both have renewed our faith and are determined to have our relationship be right in the eyes of God.  Our relationship didn't start out the right way(with me not waiting until I moved out or even papers were filed), but we want and need it to be right.

  So, we have made the decision to not sleep in the same bed and to not be intimate anymore until we do get married.  So, is April or so too soon to be remarried, given my EX will be remarried, we do want to marry each other, my kids love him and he loves them, and my daughter, who is only 5, told me the other day after he kissed me that we should just get married already.

right1thistime

You are not going to like my answer, so if all you are looking for is affirmation, stop here.

The reason that your faith doesn't promote premarital sex probably is not to promote jumping into a marriage 13 months after you left the last one, just to get your groove on, which I presume you have already done, and have decided not to do anymore.

You didn't leave your previous marriage until you had another man to move on to, based on what you have written here.  You have very young, impressionable children, who you have subjected to a new love interest (for you) and daddy figure (for them) within 9 months of their parents' marriage dissolving. You seem to have a desire to follow your exhusband's path _ my assumption from your persistent referencing of his actions, which actually have NO bearing on what YOU choose to do.


You beleive that the people that love you and want the best for you (I assume) are not going to support this decision. 


Might I suggest you go have sex, enjoy yourself, and wait on the marriage?  I think getting married so soon is a bad idea. ~Donna

d_may320

No offense taken. My marriage was over for a long time and I decided to leave and then found the man I am dating.  It's not just the sex we also live together and we truly do want our relationship to be right and blessed.  As for following in the path of my EX I honestly thought I was going to be re-married before him, but he jumped the gun himself. 

So, why can't I remarry if he will already is re-married?

txmom21

d_may,
I'm curious. You said, "we both have renewed our faith and are determined to have our relationship be right in the eyes of God." And so you're not going to sleep in the same bed or be intimate. But you are still living together? Does your faith support living together outside of marriage?

I ask because if it's your renewed faith that is prompting your decision not to be intimate, then shouldn't it also be a reason to not live together until you are married?

It sounds to me like you're using your ex-husband's remarriage as logic/reasoning to go ahead and get married yourself. What he does has no bearing on the decisions you make for your life. It also sounds to me like you're trying to justify marrying this soon to yourself. If you have to look for reasons or excuses why this is right, then it's not.

Just my .02.

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_doing-whats-right-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:3f95aea2-1c19-42b4-8901-30a0a0066e9dPost:a2a2b74e-3be3-4a4f-887a-938194cad5a7">Re: Doing what's right for our faith</a>:
[QUOTE]No offense taken. My marriage was over for a long time and I decided to leave and then found the man I am dating.  It's not just the sex we also live together and we truly do want our relationship to be right and blessed.  As for following in the path of my EX I honestly thought I was going to be re-married before him, but he jumped the gun himself.  <font color="#ff0000">So, why can't I remarry if he will already is re-married?
</font>Posted by d_may320[/QUOTE]

You can remarry.  It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him being re-married or not.  MY point was simply that I don't think its a wise choice.  What you choose to do should not be based on what he's doing.  Look at it this way, my xH stopped providing any financial support for the children once he left. He also became incredibly unreliable and would fail to show up as promised pretty routinely for visits.  Just because he was doing those things, did that give me a license to stop providing for my kids and being reliable for them?  Absolutely not. IN fact I needed to make up for what he was doing wrong. My issue ( and again, this is my opinion, based only on what you've written) is not that getting married is wrong- its that it may not be <strong>right.</strong>  I think you would be better off waiting until you have some time to heal from the first marriage, and can be sure you are marrying the right person for you and the children.  If he is indeed the right person, waiting will not harm that situation.  If he is NOT the right person, and you go through another divorce in a short period of time- I think it will harm your children.  That's why I said wait and go ahead and have sex.  I have seen too many rebound relationships fall apart badly once the wounded party heals.  ~Donna

d_may320

The living together issue has come up and there really isn't a simple answer.  We have talked about it together and with our pastor.  Our living situation now relies on both of our incomes and separating it would be very difficult if not impossible(I would have to break my lease and move).  We also have wondered what would it look like to my kids if the amount of time they have been use to seeing him now gets cut in half or more?  He also hates to lose those moments with my kids like saying their prayers with them at bedtime, helping my son put his shoes on, etc.

I don't want it sound like I am doing anything based on anyone else's opinion or what my EX does.  I do feel he is the right person for me and my kids and just having sex isn't what we are looking for right now.  We want our relationship to mean something and be built on.

right1thistime

I think you have the right idea.  You want your relationship to mean something and to be built on a solid base (finishing your sentence for you...).  THAT is very important. Which is EXACTLY why I don't think you should hurry into a marriage.  I guess the impression I got from your post is that you want to return to having sex, and that you believe that it is wrong to have sex if you're not married therefore you want to get married tout suite so that you can have sex again.  And yes i know that you love each other and think this is the right thing and blah blah blah.  But my opinion remains that you have moved awfully fast.  What's your hurry??  IF the hurry is simply the desire to return to having sex (and I am purposely writing that rather than "being intimate" because you can be intimate without sex and that would be within the boundaries of your faith) - I stand by my advice to just have sex and wait on the marriage.  Its all the wrong reasons to get married.  Saving money on rent is the wrong reason.  Breaking a lease is the wrong reason.  Not reducing the amount of time the chldren see him is the wrong reason.  You keep coming up with excuses why you cannot change the path.  I put forth that you wouldn't have posted this here if you were absolutely sure (in your heart and soul - where the only voice you hear is your conscience - and I know you know what I mean) getting married in 4 months was the right thing to do. 

I will also come back to the fact that the people who know you and the situation and love you are opposed to this idea.  I don't know you, your Fi, your kids, your xH or your life.  So what I think matters very little.  But if the people that do know all of this think its a bad idea, why are you asking other people? Isn't that enough of a big waving red flag to slow you down? 

I am replying quite earnestly here, because I honestly think you will be thinking back to this at some point with regret.  ~Donna

right1thistime

And frankly, I missed the boat earlier by not saying this:  Have you had counseling in the time since you left your abusive marriage?  Because if YOU have not dealt with the issues that allowed YOU to stay in an abusive situation, you are absolutley NOT READY to get married again.  I am not blaming you for the abuse.  But abused women play a role in the situation, by tolerating, making excuses for,sometimes enabling the abuser.  The self esteem, self worth and confidence issues take a long time to be untangled and healed. You waited to leave until you were moving into another relationship.  I doubt there are many professional counselors who would advise that move to a woman leaving an abusive relationship.  ~Donna

handfast4me

I think that Right1 had given you some great advice--I would strongly suggest that you take some time for yourself before jumping back into a relationship.  It seems you're in one now, so the train may have already left the station. 

My experience was that my marriage was over several years before we seperated.  There was no abuse, but I was sleeping in a different bedroom for a couple of years, and then we finally physically seperated.  It was only THEN that I was able to really look around, and do things for myself.  That's why I suggest you take some time, without living with any other man,  before you make any major life decisions.

I'm not a Christian, and so for me, sex is a normal part of a relationship, whether there's a piece of paper legally binding a couple or not.  My thoughts though, are that probably the "living together" has become a euphamism for having sex, and that's why many Christian churches don't condone it--it's not necessarily being under the same roof, but the sex that they see as wrong. I don't agree with that line of thinking, but again, I would urge you to get on your own, and discover who YOU ARE before jumping into any type of relationship.  Your current situation has "rebound" written all over it. 

Either way, I hope that you find happiness, and yourself. 

d_may320

Just to reply to a few questions.  Yes I have been in personal conseling since April, which has been eye opening and healing.  As for the marriage; it was over for me for a long time and I tried telling him without telling him(and that was my mistake).  We are still intimate(close) without the sex.  And no getting married has absolutely nothing to do with having sex.  We could get married and still go without having sex.  We just know that our relationship starting off on the wrong foot and we want to get it right now.

As for friends that know us.  I have recently talked with some friends about the situation and they have very much proclaimed that I have changed(for the better) since I left my EX.  I am the old girl they use to know and am strong again, confident, and am my smiling old-self.  So, that truly was wonderful to hear period that my friends have seen that in me.  I guess I posted this hear first without talking to friends simply because I wanted advice from those that don't know me because of fear.  But, obviously I underestimated my friends.  The whole time-lime  from separation to re-marriage will be about one year and a couple of months.  Is it too soon yes for some, but the more I think about and now having talked with close friends the more comfortable I am with it.  Yes, will I still want to talk with our Pastor and get marriage counseling certainly.  Will this be something I will regret no because I have seen what my life was like and what I was like and I am not that person anymore and refuse to go through that again.  My guy isn't that man and proves that to me everyday.

pamila51510

After reading all of this. I am you many years ago. I thought my 2nd ex was wonderful and really he talked a good game. 15 years later I look back at my life and wow what a waste the 13 years was. You need some time on your own.  I jumped right into a relationship. After much counseling and being on my own for 2 almost 3 years. I at first thought I was gonna go crazy.  If you are asking then you are having doubts that you should do it. I don't know you, I don't know your kids and I don't know this man that you want to possibly walk down the aisle with. I can tell you no matter what you do you really need to think about this. Pray to your God. Don't do what you think is right do what your heart is telling you. Let go and let God. If you have the faith that you say you do listen to what your being told by God. Your saying you want to do what is right by your faith. I think marrying this man is the easy thing for you. You are talking about finances, what he wants to do with the children. Your relationship with him should be yours not that he wants a ready made family. Where are you really at?  What do you want from your life? What do you want for your children? Are you showing them that jumping from one relationship to another is a good thing. Trust me your kids see what your doing! The thing about your ex-husband even mentioning him makes no sense to me. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Him getting married is probably a bad idea and you jumping into another relationship and into another marriage isn't very wise either. 

You are going to do what you are going to do but if you are having doubts there is a reason. Don't do what your church says is right that is a bunch of people do what God is telling you to do. Be honest with yourself. 

yellow_grace

d_may, religious convictions aside, if this is right, it will still be right in 6 months. If you are not looking to get married because of sex, then certainly waiting another 6 months will not be difficult, especially because you seem to describe a relationship that has all the elements of marriage, minus the sex. If you have discussed this with your pastor, then living in the same house must not be an issue as long as you are not having sex.

You will never regret waiting 6 months, but in 6  months, you might regret moving forward too soon.

I hope all the best for you and much happiness in your future.

d_may320

Thank for the healthy responses.  We are looking at late April to late May.  That will be over a year for us to be together and alot of healing and praying has been happening.  So, we are still moving forward as a couple, but the actual date has not been set and is still a good 5 months away.  We aren't rushing into it that is why we haven't set a date, are attending counseling with our pastor together and individually, and are waiting until April/May.

korinacooper

I am sort of in the same boat, only no kids thankfully. I was only married for a year and a couple of months and immediately left him when he became neglectful, unfaithful and generally disrespectful of me when I began to show an interest in religion. I also met my fiance before getting my divorce, (though I did meet him 10 years ago, we just started talking again).  I now have a wonderful man who shares my faith and beliefs, and we want to be married very soon (it will be 1year and 9months after my divorce) to start our life over and have children. You simply have to do what is right in the eyes of the lord, it does not matter if it looks bad to people around you, they are not the ones you need to answer to.  I plan to marry because I know in my heart he is the right person, something I never felt with my ex. These days people tend to doubt marriage no matter what, all you can do  is be happy and in time they will be proven wrong. I have friends that got married very young (17&18), and friendswho were married after knowing each other 1 month (both with strong religious faith, it makes the difference sometimes) and they have both been happily married for several years and then one couple who were together for 11 years and got married and divorced one year later. I truly believe that when you meet the right person you know it, just like I knew 10 years ago, I was young and moved away with my family and we lost touch but I knew when I met him back then that he was the one for me and I turned out to be right (at 16!). I do think however that you should use extra caution when there are children involved (especially young children), so waiting couldn't hurt. I don't think God will punish you for living in the same house, go ahead and let people doubt you, God knows the truth. I would wait a year and make sure it is right for your kids.