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Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....)

KelliP134KelliP134
First Comment
in Second Weddings
I was a little hesitant to post this because I alreay know what the answer is...but at the same time I'm wondering if anyone else is going through these same things.  This is my second wedding and my FI 3rd. His first marriage was to the mother of his son and only lastest 6 months. She left him & his son and moved to NYC. His 2nd wife passed away....I was married for 12 years and been divorced for 7.  (Even attempting to explain this feels complicated!) My 1st wedding was very traditional. I was very young (19).  My FI eloped both of the previous times.  For our wedding he would like to be married in front of his friends & family and have a somewhat traditional reception.  I am pretty much fine with whatever.  I have 3 children and they are anxious to be a part of the ceremony & reception so I want to do something they can be a part of.  Here is the 'problem'...the whole world seems to have an opinion and their opinion is that this shouldn't be 'big' or 'traditional' because we've both been married before.  Now to some extent I don't want to have the whole bells and whistles.  I hated the whole 'shove the cake in your face thing'....won't be missing that.  I don't want to do all the formal dances (father/daughter -my dad passed away, the money dance, etc.)  but on the other side...how are we supposed to throw a wedding and reception without...a cake? a dress? music? Everytime I mention some detail of the wedding I hear "your not doing anything BIG are you?"  I know its none of their concern (we are paying for it) but it's majorly hurting my feelings.  Everyone time I start to look at dresses I think...ok, are people going to think I'm an idiot if I wear that? I know I shouldn't care...I should wear whatever I want to wear...and not care...but this is giving me serious anxiety....help!!!!!! Also, as we've started to price venues and food the most economical thing that will accomodate our guests (approximately 100) is a sit down dinner @ a local hotel (the package price just could not be beat).  So am I supposed to forgo that and do something that people find more appropriate and spend more $?  My original thought was to do cocktails and hor dovours but the cost to do that was more expensive....plus my FI really likes the idea of a sit down dinner...if I say...oh we are having a sit down dinner because its actually less expensive THAT sounds tacky.  If I don't explain then it sounds like I want this big fancy shin dig (which in all reality I don't really care either way...I just feel stuck in the middle).  I am also a very creative person and I have a million (inexpensive) ideas that could really make this unique.  It's just about killing me to think I can't incorporate them for fear of being 'too over the top'.....
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Re: Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....)

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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    DO WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART(S) SING.

    Pay no attention to those people who say, "You're not having a (fill in the blank) ARE YOU?" 
    Answer them with the icy stare of death. 
    Answer them with, "of course I'm wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding reception, a wedding cake, sending wedding invitations, etc...it IS a wedding."  Then look at them like they have asked the most idiotic question you have EVER heard in your life.
    And if its someone close to you who you WANT to get personal with, you can, if you choose, add, "When people act as if I should wear sackcloth and ashes and hide in the basement because I have been married before, instead of shouting my joy at finding this wonderful, amazing man to be HAPPY with, it is hurtful.   I know you wouldn't ever want to hurt me, so I hope you understand."  ~Donna
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations and welcome!!

    Stop worrying about what others think - it's your day!  Do what will make your wedding exactly what you and your FI want and envision. PERIOD.  If anyone wants to rain on your parade give them the "look" and change the subject.  They aren't paying for it  you are - have it your way!

    We are having our dream wedding and really don't care what anyone else thinks -it's not about them it's about us our love and committment to one another.  My FI is wearing a tux and I'm wearing a white (shocking I know) gown and it's going to be a pretty formal to-do because that is what we want.

    If it's a potential vendor that is snarky take your business elsewhere, if it's a family member ignore them or don't invite them. 
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    ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....):
    [QUOTE]Congratulations and welcome!! Stop worrying about what others think - it's your day!  Do what will make your wedding exactly what you and your FI want and envision. PERIOD.  If anyone wants to rain on your parade give them the "look" and change the subject.  They aren't paying for it  you are - have it your way! We are having our dream wedding and really don't care what anyone else thinks -it's not about them it's about us our love and committment to one another.  My FI is wearing a tux and I'm wearing a white (shocking I know) gown and it's going to be a pretty formal to-do because that is what we want. If it's a potential vendor that is snarky take your business elsewhere, if it's a family member ignore them or don't invite them. 
    Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.
    Anniversary
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    AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand where you are coming from.  FI has been married twice before, myself once.  I was hearing from his family "why dont you just have a JOP wedding, like we did? It would be so much easier and simpler to do". 

    I smiled at all of them, and said "I want my church wedding.  My last wedding was thrown together in two days time - I want all the bells and whistles this time."  Now, they are all getting excited about it, and cannot wait to be a part of it!

    Personally, I think it is great you found an affordable sit down dinner.  It will make your wedding reception a nice, elegant affatir.  Have the cake, the dancing, whatever you want.  Skip the cake smashing however - I think that is disgusting too and rude. 

    There are no rules about a second wedding.  All the BS about toning it down the second time have gone the way of the dodo bird.  When the naysayers question you, look at them squarely in the eye and say, "FI and I are marrying each other for the first time, so this is our first wedding!"  That will keep them quiet!

    Congratulations on finding an awesome man to share your life with and welcome to the board!
    Anniversary
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    coralee715coralee715 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree....do what makes YOU and HUBBY happy!
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    Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Welcome Kelli!

    My fiance has been married twice before, never had a formal wedding. This is my first, but I have 2 kids (shocking, I know). I'm wearing 2 white dresses, one for the ceremony, one for the reception. We are having an elegant formal wedding for 100 people, which is immediate family and friends. I have (luckily) not encountered the response you have from either family

    If people ask what you are doing, tell them it's a secret, you both are financing it, and it will be a surprise when they show up. If they push, I'd tell them you are having the wedding you want. If they push farther, ask them if they love their 2nd or 3rd child any less than the first? Why should your wedding be different?

    I find this entire "subsequent wedding" trash talk from family members and close friends very disturbing. I've seen so much on this board, and honestly, I have no idea where it comes from. It's hurtful, demeaning, and mean spirited. People make mistakes. "Let he without sin cast the first stone". "People in glass houses should not throw stones".

    Good luck, and welcome to the most mature, reliable board with the best ladies!
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    shytownkellyshytownkelly
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....):
    [QUOTE]DO WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART(S) SING. Pay no attention to those people who say, "You're not having a (fill in the blank) ARE YOU?"  Answer them with the icy stare of death.  Answer them with, "of course I'm wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding reception, a wedding cake, sending wedding invitations, etc...it IS a wedding."  Then look at them like they have asked the most idiotic question you have EVER heard in your life. And if its someone close to you who you WANT to get personal with, you can, if you choose, add, "When people act as if I should wear sackcloth and ashes and hide in the basement because I have been married before, instead of shouting my joy at finding this wonderful, amazing man to be HAPPY with, it is hurtful.   I know you wouldn't ever want to hurt me, so I hope you understand."  ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]


    Co-Signed
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_feeling-sensitive-longggg?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:42ccfac0-f09b-4819-80bb-72aa77fce33cPost:e12045ce-1a12-4493-b77f-43acbd7100b3">Re: Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....)</a>:
    [QUOTE] <strong><font color="#0000ff"><font color="#666699">I find this entire "subsequent wedding" trash talk from family members and close friends very disturbing. I've seen so much on this board, and honestly, I have no idea where it comes from. It's hurtful, demeaning, and mean spirited. People make mistakes. "Let he without sin cast the first stone". "People in glass houses should not throw stones". Good luck, and welcome to the most mature, reliable board with the best ladies!</font> </font></strong>Posted by Sue-n-Kevin[/QUOTE]

    Amen, sister!  I've never seen this expressed more fully or succinctly.  Thank you, Sue.

    Welcome, Kelli.  I hope you and your FI fulfill your hearts' desire (and don't bust your budget to do it).  I know where you're coming from (my 2nd wedding, FI's 3rd) and, honestly, unless someone is fresh out of school, things are (life is) complicated.  That's the beauty of life, isn't it?  Have a blast planning your very important celebration.  Enjoy!
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    thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do what makes you and your FI HAPPY!   Congrats and welcome. Please have the wedding of your dreams. We had a few raised brows at the idea of a formal wedding but in the end EVERYONE came around and was excited.

    I would start with booking that dinner at the hotel. Then find a dress or gown you love and look great in that matches the venue and your style of wedding. Then get creative with all the other elements. Most of us here wore (or are wearing) formal dresses or wedding gowns, and sista I was 53 when I walked down the isle. You'd better believe I and many others of our age group considered what would be appropriate for our age.

    Here's what we did an didn't do:

    Had 95 guests at a beautiful outdoor venue, and had the reception at the same place inside a beautiful room with a sit down 5 course meal, with open bar for 3 hours, and champaigne on every table.
    Ceremony was at 4pm, Cocktails at 5pm and dinner at 6pm.  Although I think we ran a bit late, I don't know because my "girls" took my watch. The wedding ended at 10pm.

    1. Had a gorgeous cake and did a cutting at the beginning of the reception. No smashing. The cake was immediately wisked away for cutting
    2.  Had a mother son dance, the fathers passed and we had lots of moms and sons at our affair.
    3.  We did our first dance, then opened the dance floor.  
    4.  NO GARTER TOSS, BOUQUET TOSS, it wasn't missed
    5.  No isle runner, no family vows, no formal transportation, no formal exit.
    6.  Didn't wear   veil, not because I'm against it, because it didn't look good on me.
    7. DID wear a gorgeous lace ivory wedding gown that matched my vintage venue.  
    I wanted a nice wedding and no one was going to disuade me, especially since I had money saved and I wanted it for myself. I am worth it. Just because it's the second time around doesn't mean you can't have the wedding of your dreams.

    I had waited for the right man for a very long time. I waited for the engagement for a very long time, a celebration of our love was IN ORDER!!!!

    Here's some inspiration for you: If you click on the pics it will make them larger and easier to see.

    Our cake cutting, that's my bro taking pics. Thank God he took all these pics and posted them on Facebook, we got to see them a few days after the wedding.

    My gorgeous bouquet!!! Good details of the lace too.

    Our reception room.  More cake!!! yummy.

    My son walking me down the isle.

    The gorgeous maids, my 2 sisters.

    During the ceremony we did wine sharing.

    The kiss (his son, best man behind us)Me saying my vows.

    More wine sharing ...

    This was taken by our officeint from his camera high up on a tripod, really cool. My son hugged me half way down the isle, so cute!! In the background the guests and my groom waiting for me!! 

    I hope this inpsires you to forget the naysayers, and have your dream wedding!!

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    rerawaltrerawalt member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I feel your pain.  This is my second marriage and my FI first.  When I was talking at work one day about the shower that my FMIL wants to throw a co-worker and I thought friend looked at me and said "You can't have a shower, you've already been married before".  When I stated that my FMIL wanted to throw a shower the response was "Well if I'm invited don't think I will bring a present".  Gotta love when other people judge.  Our weddings are our days.  Most of us are paying for it ourselves so it's really no one elses business how we spend our money or how we choose to celebrate our new marriage. 
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    thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_feeling-sensitive-longggg?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:42ccfac0-f09b-4819-80bb-72aa77fce33cPost:eb78cb8e-2b07-4c29-9ca3-a0c82e6e5561">Re: Feeling Sensitive (longggg.....)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel your pain.  This is my second marriage and my FI first.  When I was talking at work one day about the shower that my FMIL wants to throw a co-worker and I thought friend looked at me and said "You can't have a shower, you've already been married before".  When I stated that my FMIL wanted to throw a shower the response was "Well if I'm invited don't think I will bring a present".  Gotta love when other people judge.  Our weddings are our days.  Most of us are paying for it ourselves so it's really no one elses business how we spend our money or how we choose to celebrate our new marriage. 
    Posted by rerawalt[/QUOTE]

    I guess that means lunch is out!

    If she's a good friend you can explain the etiquette to her. Perhaps she doesn't realize that the etiquette states.... you can accept a shower in your honor.
     
    ow, just because the etiquette states that it is ok, doesn't mean everyone "gets it" ...
     
    If not, then she's just being a hater and you can  remove her from your lists and don't talk wedding with her our around her.
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kelli--listen to PP's.  Why is it that people feel the need to steal your joy?  Have a wonderful, beautiful, joyful wedding.  I did, and I'm soooo glad!!
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    jmbowmanjmbowman member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey, you know what, you have every right to feel sensitive.  You're still the bride.  If you and FI want something "BIG" then go big, or small if you want.  Remember this...(it's what helped me when people started argueing over our plans) it isn't just about FI and I, it's about the kids too.  It's all about making a New family.  The wedding and reception is the perfect (and for some kids, the Only) time to make a big deal out of this.  My future DD wanted the HUGE wedding (we didn't really care) but it was important to her that everyone know we are a new family.  And when looked at in that light it deserved to be as big of an affair as we wanted.  We aren't doing the "father-daughter" dance with me and my dad, but FI and DD are going to dance, and our parents are going to dance as well.  We've made it about making a newer much bigger family.  When put that way people backed off.  I don't know if that will get people to stop putting in their two cents, but hopefully it will help you do what you want anyway.

    As for your dress, this is your first day as his wife.  What memory do you want him to have of you?  What memory do you want to have of him?  In the end it's all about you and him, and if you choose, your children.  Don't worry about everyone else.  (and I know that is REALLY hard).  Is there anyone in your family or his that sees things the way you and FI do?  If so, get them to run interference for you.  Tell them how you feel and maybe they can help field some of those "suggestions."

    Good luck!
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