Help me find a way to explain 2nd wedding dos and don'ts to my mom

big_surprise

Hi all!

So this is my 2nd marriage and my fiance's 2nd as well.  We got engaged over the weekend and I told my parents on Saturday.  

Today my mom has told me that I shouldn't be wearing a wedding gown, let alone white or ivory and that it should probably be a really small affair given it's not our first wedding.  Ugh.

I knew we were getting engaged so I have been "planning" a small (65 people) noon wedding with lunch to follow. I have been looking at dresses that are ivory and informal but still wedding gowns.  How to I explain to her that all of this is ok?

Thanks in advance!

right1thistime

I think a piece of it is how old you are and the way your mother was raised.   What influences her?  If you are young, I doubt she is going to listen to you.  She still sees herself as the adult and you as the child.  Frankly, that lasts a long time for most mothers. 

If she has an etiquette guru (Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc), you can buy or borrow their books of wedding etiquette and show her what etiquette actually says.  But frankly, there's plenty of information out there, and plenty of people who just don't buy it.  They are familiar with what has occurred in their social circle, and don't expect anyone to go outside those parameters.

So what to do about that?  Ignore it.  "I understand your position, Mom, and I respect it, but I do not share it.  If you are concerned about what great aunt Tilly will say, I am happy to not invite her.  Which will offend her more?  Being excluded or sharing a joyful celebration with us?"  I assume you are not asking her to do anything other than show up and be loving of you both.  A guest (even an honored one) doesn't get any say in the planning of the proceedings. 

If it hurts you to have her disapprove of your plans, tell her that sharing her disapproval with you  is painful, and ask her to keep it to herself out of love.  If you have a strained relationship with her, you may want to work that our in therapy so that you can muster the strength to stand up to her.  ~Donna

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_way-explain-2nd-wedding-dos-donts-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:4c6e7747-f0ce-489a-8529-525f5743ada0Post:2fd245a7-a8ab-49f1-b53e-a434461cc577">Re: Help me find a way to explain 2nd wedding dos and don'ts to my mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I think a piece of it is how old you are and the way your mother was raised.   What influences her?  If you are young, I doubt she is going to listen to you.  She still sees herself as the adult and you as the child.  Frankly, that lasts a long time for most mothers.  If she has an etiquette guru (Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc), you can buy or borrow their books of wedding etiquette and show her what etiquette actually says.  But frankly, there's plenty of information out there, and plenty of people who just don't buy it.  They are familiar with what has occurred in their social circle, and don't expect anyone to go outside those parameters. So what to do about that?  Ignore it.  "I understand your position, Mom, and I respect it, but I do not share it.  If you are concerned about what great aunt Tilly will say, I am happy to not invite her.  Which will offend her more?  Being excluded or sharing a joyful celebration with us?"  I assume you are not asking her to do anything other than show up and be loving of you both.  A guest (even an honored one) doesn't get any say in the planning of the proceedings.  If it hurts you to have her disapprove of your plans, tell her that sharing her disapproval with you  is painful, and ask her to keep it to herself out of love.  If you have a strained relationship with her, you may want to work that our in therapy so that you can muster the strength to stand up to her.  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

If this isn't the perfect answer...  Don't know what is.  :)

big_surprise

Thanks!

I am 36 so definitely not a child but alway her baby.

She was not a fan of my first marriage and had little to say in the planning process so I am truly excited she is excited to help me plan.  I think she just needs to hear about some of my friends and acquaintances that have been remarried and still did the real wedding thing.  Things have definitely progressed from 2nd wedding in a suit with a punch and cake reception.

Thanks for the support!

handfast4me

Is she on the interwebz?  There's a moms and maids board.  And then you can show her our stuff. I'm 52, and got remarried at 48.  Look at my siggy pic.  I wore Ivory (not white, but still. . . ).  And you can show her what the other ladies here are planning.  And then there's the etiquette board.  And Miss Manners had a great answer for someone inquiring about attending a 4th wedding in the paper this weekend.   Show her that. 

right1thistime

My mom was 82 and had some mild dementia when we got married.  She didn't help at all, but she came up with depression era opinions. 

Frankly, she was widowed in the 50's & remarried after that (1959), and because she was a Catholic marrying (horrors!) a Protestant she wasn't allowed to marry in the church itself either time.  She had to get married in the living room at the rectory. She wore a champagne colored party dress for her second wedding and had no reception.  So based on her experience, me, being divorced (the shame!), remarrying in a white gown in a church with an all out party reception afterwards was just off the charts.  Compared to her experience, yep, it was.  By today's standards, not a big deal. 

Luckily my brother had married a divorcee ten years earlier.  My mother threatened to not attend that one at all, as she was taught (by the Catholics of course) that one should never attend a wedding outside the Catholic church, as it was condoning a sin.  My brother couldn't have cared less if she attended (or so he said), but I slapped (figuratively, not literally) that notion out of her head.  I told her that if she boycotted his wedding, I would never speak to her again.  I am not one for drama, and I was the one child of her three that was taking care of her, so she figured out pretty quickly where her bread was buttered, showed up and had a blast drinking vodka lemonade out of a pickle jar.   ~Donna

MikesAngie

My DH and I had a formal wedding (his 2nd...my 4th -very long back story), and both of our families treated it as a first.  There were a lot of firsts for both of us.  

We planned and paid for the wedding we wanted.  I wore a formal wedding gown with a veil (something I had never done), and my groom wore a Tux. We had a total of eight attendants. Everyone enjoyed a cocktail hour with passed canapes.while we had our photography done. We had a sit down dinner and dancing. 

All in all a pleasant experience and "Aunt Tilly" didn't raise an eye brow.

Avion22

Donna always says the right thing:-)

Sometimes I find that saying, "Mom, you are SO OLDSCHOOL" with an accompanying eye-roll tends to help:-)   Seriosuly, I'm lucky that my parents are supportive no matter what.   And fortunately, my grandmother has seen her share of second-weddings with my aunts and uncles, so she's not phased either.   

But yeah, I think you can politely but firmly explain that you do not share her beliefs, and you are going to proceed as you wish, and that you hope she'll either be supportive or keep her negaive feelings to herself (bust out a "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" if you must).

LuckyHeather

This will be my third wedding (one divorce, one passed) and his second.  I started planning with the whole "no white dress, this needs to be low key" in mind...and then I threw all that out the window and decided this is OUR first wedding.  I want to do whatever will make me happy, and anyone who doesn't like it...well, they don't have to like it. 

My fathers family is catholic, and has already made comments, but I don't really care.  I know we are going to enjoy the day and that is all that matters.

BTW, I ended up getting a beautiful sparkly white dress (gasp!) and I can't wait to wear it!!  LOL

right1thistime is 100% right. 

big_surprise

So a little update.

I talked to my Mom today and she is totally on board!  I explained with some of the wording you all suggested about this is a new era where 2nd and more brides have real weddings with real dresses, not the "suit and punch reception".  She appreicated I realized where she was coming from and is behind us having the wedding we want.

Yay!!

squarepeg72

Congrats on the communicattion with mom!

MikesAngie

Glad mom came around!

2dBride

Glad to hear things worked out!

tktranch

I'm planning my 2nd wedding and my FI's first to happen in 2 years.  We're doing a theme wedding (modern western/rodeo) so I'm getting started early. I've been running into the same issue with my mom but I think she is starting to come around. I've shown her pictures of dresses I'm interested in, told her about the ones on my "short list" and two salons and have shown her the brides maids dresses and the flowers I'm interested in.  She po-pooed all the ideas (you shouldn't wear a real wedding dress, you should use fake flowers ect).  When she gets on her soap box, I listen to her ideas/concerns, validate them then I step up on my soap box and tell her why I'm doing the planning the way I am and that I cherish her suggestions and would love her support in the process.  She is now excited to go with my MOH and I to try on my "short list" dresses even though I told her it would be a full day evolution.  Good luck with it all.  I'm in a simular boat