Remembering his first wife?

kittylabrok

In discussing the wedding ceremony, the "Prayers of the Faithful" in particular, with my FH, who is a widower, he requested that he'd like to honor his first wife in some way, during the ceremony.  I honestly thought about that possibility before he brought it up but couldn't really come up with anything that didn't make me feel bad. I think it's a beautiful thing to remember his wife when their daughters are married eventually, but it just seems an odd place to mention her at our wedding.  We ended the discussion with the thought that we would ask our priest what would be appropriate and I will abide by that.  I don't mind saying though that after thinking about it some more, I am hoping he tells us that it's best to just say the "deceased of our families" and suggest to FH that he honor his wife privately in some way if he feels like he wants to do that.
Anyone have any thoughts, opinions, suggestions?

right1thistime

Neither of us were widowed, so this is not from experience so much as from a mother's point of view.  You mention his daughters.  I assume they will be there.  This wedding may be a very joyful time for them, but it will bring bittersweet thoughts as well-- you would not be in their life unless they lost their mother.  And, quite honestly, the same is true for him.  Without knowing more--say for example that her death was expected and that she had told him that she wanted him to go on and find true happiness again-- its hard to guess where he is coming from. 

I think the priest may have some thoughts about how to word a remembrance.  It may be perfectly fine to pray for those who are no longer with us in person, but remain close to our hearts, including Richard (grampy) and Lucille (mom) and Mary (deceased wife). (Not speaking the titles in parentheses, of course) ~Donna

melissamc2

I don't mean this to sound unsympathetic at all, but this isn't about his deceased, previous wife.

Your marriage to him is about YOUR marriage to him.  It's not there to comfort his children, adult no less, and it's not about honouring anyone other than the two of you, who are making a commitment to one another.

There are SO MANY appropriate occasions to honour his former spouse, and I think the daughters' weddings would fall into that category, but...to me, it doesn't matter WHAT the circumstances of the previous marriage being over are - previous marriages do NOT get mentioned at present ones.

I'm also not questioning his love for you or anything else with this, so please don't take it that way - but I WOULD question how "over" someone a man is if he wants her brought up at his wedding.  While I absolutely allow that losing a partner to death is different than losing one to divorce - being ready to move on is much the same.

Good luck.  I hope the priest has some useful advice.

arv266

SInce you asked for opinions....

To every time there is a season....  And I do not think that your wedding is an appropriate time to remember your FI's late wife.   There will be many events in his daughters lives that she can be remembered, but this day is between you and he, and no one else. 

I strongly suggest that you share your feelings with your FI.  You do not need to sit back and agree to something that you do not feel comfortable with, for the sake of being agreeable.  

MikesAngie

Having been married a man that was a recent widower - that his first wife comes up at all should be a sign that he is not ready to move forward. You and he can be in love and wanting to marry but until she's not the third player in your adult relationship is it not advisable to marry.  I understand the reasons why, but let me tell you that I spent the first five years of my marriage to the widower being referred to as My First Name or My Maiden Name while his deceased wife was his or my WIFE.  (I did not read the previous posts)

I totally understand wanting to respect those that have passed and there are tasteful ways to have memorials at your wedding.  I plan on doing one for my father who passed almost 9 years ago - but he will not be a intergal part of our ceremony.

Lisa50

Prayers of the Faithful, absolutely ... remembering the deceased -- all the deceased -- without mention of names is definitely the way to go.

I am not in favor of interweaving mini-memorial services/observances into weddings, as has become the fashion.  Even though my FI and I are not having a Catholic Mass, we will likely have a part of the ceremony similar to the Prayers of the Faithful, with part of it  to remember deceased family and friends.

Best of luck!

AprilVegasBride

I am a widow and I have to admit that even I think this is a bad idea.  Yes, I loved my first husband with all my heart and I will always love him.  But my second marriage is about my new life with my new husband.  I agree with the above ideas if it is a catholic ceremony however.

Sloane99

Regardless of my feelings on the matter, this sounds like something you're not okay with and even worse it sounds like something that you're not okay with expressing you're not okay with! 
 
I think you just need to tell your FI that you're not comfortable with the idea, or you can wait for the priest's decision and hope it goes in your favour, but overall you really need to be able to express these kinds of things especially to your FI. They are totally acceptable feelings to have.

carolinagal78

I would not be ok w/this either. I've never had to walk in those shoes so I'm blessed but it would hurt my feeling if my FI wanted to remember his first wife at our wedding. I agree with the other ladies. YOUR wedding is not the place. I wish you the best!

kittylabrok

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.