Gotta love the ex kinda long

mma3

Last weekend my daughter was supposed to spend Saturday night at her father's.  She was very concerned that the Easter bunny was not going to realize she was there and wouldn't visit especially since Santa forgot.  Trying to be nice and helpful I called her father Saturday morning to remind him before we got there.  He got really irritated with me because I reminded him. 

So, last night was her birthday and he didn't call.  After Saturday I decided that I wasn't going to call and remind him.  When I put her to bed she mentioned that her dad didn't call and I told her maybe he had to work late.  She replied that FI was in school last night and took a break to call.  

Am I a bad mom for not calling him to remind him last night?  I get so tired of constantly trying to cover for him etc.  I spoke with him this morning and yep, he forgot.

JenJune3

Oh my! I'm so sorry for your daughter! I know it may not be right, but if that happened with my ex I think I would still try to cover for him while she was little just to not break her little sweet heart, but one day she will be older and know what happened, then it's the heartbreak that we mother dread! I'm sorry again!

P.S. Sounds like FI is great! Remembering to call from school! How sweet!

pamila51510

Ugh this is a tough one. I think you did the right thing. He doesn't want to be reminded so he has to deal with the issues of it.  It just sucks that your duaghter has to suffer for it! 

jsauer74

I agree with JenJune...while she is young you have to protect her from her father's (donor's) short comings, but one day she will figure it out. My daughter is 17 now and it is just setting in that all the times her father wasn't around was not because he didn't know, but because he forgot about what was impotant to her or just didn't want/have time to participate. This is such a sad situation, but I fully understand what you are going through. Your daughter will have a very special relationship with her step-father because he took the time to make her feel special and loved. This is the case with my daughter and it is a very beautiful relationship to watch.

Best of luck to you, when she is older it will be easier for you all.
Jen

right1thistime

I am going to dissent here.  DO NOT COVER FOR HIM.  Think about it.  She's young now. So you say, "well maybe he forgot to check his calendar, or he worked late or he was busy."  But inside, you are steaming. Next year, you cover.  The year after, again.  Now you are boiling mad.  So 4years from now, as she starts her teen years, she says, "well at least my DAD understands me."  (Just to yank our chain-- its what teens do.)  And you WANT to say, "Are you KIDDING ME?  This is the man who forgot Christmas, Easter, your birthday 4 years in a row...."  but you cannot.  And you know what - she KNOWS you were just covering- but she wants you to admit it to her.  And you can't. So now YOU are lying to her.

It KILLS us to see our children disappointed by the person who is SUPPOSED to love them.  But guess what? That person is dropping the ball.  Better that the child sees the situation just as it is.  If they say, "Why didn't Daddy call me for my birthday?"  Your answer is,"I have no idea.  Would you like to call him tomorrow and I will sit with you while you ask him?"  As they get older, its just, "I don't know, ask him not me."  And when they are teens, you can just raise one eyebrow at their chain yanking statements, and chuckle to yourself and let it go.  Because THEY know that YOU know what the reality is. 

Thus spake the voice of experience - who learned this at the hands of an amazing therapist.    ~Donna

JenniferLuvsCandy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_gotta-love-ex-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:4d95b037-fe00-4125-99b3-332c1ccafc13Post:312d1a7a-fdb6-4b59-ac23-708eb0f6bb40">Re: Gotta love the ex kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to dissent here.  DO NOT COVER FOR HIM.  Think about it.  She's young now. So you say, "well maybe he forgot to check his calendar, or he worked late or he was busy."  But inside, you are steaming. Next year, you cover.  The year after, again.  Now you are boiling mad.  So 4years from now, as she starts her teen years, she says, "well at least my DAD understands me."  (Just to yank our chain-- its what teens do.)  And you WANT to say, "Are you KIDDING ME?  This is the man who forgot Christmas, Easter, your birthday 4 years in a row...."  but you cannot.  And you know what - she KNOWS you were just covering- but she wants you to admit it to her.  And you can't. So now YOU are lying to her. It KILLS us to see our children disappointed by the person who is SUPPOSED to love them.  But guess what? That person is dropping the ball.  Better that the child sees the situation just as it is.  If they say, "Why didn't Daddy call me for my birthday?"  Your answer is,"I have no idea.  Would you like to call him tomorrow and I will sit with you while you ask him?"  As they get older, its just, "I don't know, ask him not me."  And when they are teens, you can just raise one eyebrow at their chain yanking statements, and chuckle to yourself and let it go.  Because THEY know that YOU know what the reality is.  Thus spake the voice of experience - who learned this at the hands of an amazing therapist.  :)  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

THIS!  I am going through this with my 14 year old son.  He knows what's up.  It is sad EVERY time his "donor" stands him up.  For him and for me.  My FI is also wonderful about it. (BIG mushball)  It still doesn't make up for it.  Just continue to be the best parent YOU can be.  You will still lose sleep over it, that is your child, your heart.  You will still cry over it.  But you will be her rock.  As long as things don't get derogatory from you directed at him then you are doing your part.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" /> Hugs

geordieboysgirl

Sadly, your daughter probably knew the truth. It's a rough situation and it will happen again. I went through this with my ex as well and it completely sux. On the bright side, my kid, now 21, turned out great despite having a jerk for a father, Maybe you and your fiance should decide together how you want to handle the issue in the future. Obvioulsy she has one parent who loves and supports her and that is a wonderful thing.
CCH 

ccallaway03

I have had this problem but it's a little different.  My ex NEVER forgets or misses anything concerning our oldest son(he's 6).  He however is always too busy or forgets or doesn't care about anything our youngest(4) does.  My ex was a minor league ball player and our oldest takes after him with the love for baseball and bowling and every other sport imaginable. My youngest however is all about the ranch, he loves to ride horses, feed the cows, cut and bale hay(yes, we are with him in the tractor..lol).  My point is, my youngest has the hurt and my oldest does not.  When my ex cancels on plans with my youngest, I am honest with him.  I'd rather him know now than in 10 yrs.  My FI is great with him, and my youngest calls my FI "daddy", because to him, that is his dad.  I have NEVER told him that my FI is his dad, my son at 4 knows what a dad should be and has decided my FI is his.  Keep in mind that we have 50/50 custody of my sons, and they are together at all times, so when my ex does something with my oldest, my youngest has to sit and watch.  I make sure I tell him that his daddy loves him, but when they leave him and come with me, my ex gives my youngest a pat on the head or a "one-armed" hug.  He picks my oldest up and holds him and kisses him and tells him he loves him.  This aggravates the crap out of me and my FI, so my FI and I always make it a point to hug and kiss them both infront of their dad so that he can see how he should treat them!

No matter what age(0-2yrs exempt), a child knows when they are not the priority to a parent.  Just make sure you make up what the other parent lacks! Then, as the child grows, they will understand that you were always there when you needed them and that you love them!

right1thistime

ccallaway, I too have had that issue to a degree.  The xH clearly favors the older child, who now (age 20) refuses to give him the time of day.  He will tolerate the younger (17) who still holds out for any attention he is willing to offer. 
Example Nov- 20 y.o.'s b'day - sends a card with $50 inside, which 17 y.o. saw.  17 y.o. had gotten zero for his b-day.
Dec - 17 y.o. goes to Dad's to celebrate Christmas.  Brings a gift for dad and a gift for his new girlfriend.  What does he get in return?  A $2 lottery scratch ticket.  He won $5 - woo hoo.

Hard to fathom the thought process behind that.  Through it all I have always deflected it back to the xH.  "I have no idea why Daddy <insert idiotic behavior here />.  You should ask him."  And I have supported the pain, been there for the disappointment and tears, and the anger and tears.  They know who and what their father really is, sadly.  ~Donna

melissamc2

Kids realize a LOT more than most people give them credit for.  She'd likely know you were behind most of it anyway.  You have to let him be the kind of father that he's going to be, even if it's a less than great one.  Yes, she may get hurt through some of it, but that is HIS doing.  You aren't both parents, you can't be both parents, and you shouldn't try to.  You can only be resposible for what kind of mother you are, and speaking AS a mother - an honest mother is the best kind.   I also think it's fantastic that she's getting a new full time father figure that takes her into consideration.  Good for all of you!

mattesmagic

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_gotta-love-ex-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:4d95b037-fe00-4125-99b3-332c1ccafc13Post:312d1a7a-fdb6-4b59-ac23-708eb0f6bb40">Re: Gotta love the ex kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to dissent here.  DO NOT COVER FOR HIM.  Think about it.  She's young now. So you say, "well maybe he forgot to check his calendar, or he worked late or he was busy."  But inside, you are steaming. Next year, you cover.  The year after, again.  Now you are boiling mad.  So 4years from now, as she starts her teen years, she says, "well at least my DAD understands me."  (Just to yank our chain-- its what teens do.)  And you WANT to say, "Are you KIDDING ME?  This is the man who forgot Christmas, Easter, your birthday 4 years in a row...."  but you cannot.  And you know what - she KNOWS you were just covering- but she wants you to admit it to her.  And you can't. So now YOU are lying to her. It KILLS us to see our children disappointed by the person who is SUPPOSED to love them.  But guess what? That person is dropping the ball.  Better that the child sees the situation just as it is.  If they say, "Why didn't Daddy call me for my birthday?"  Your answer is,"I have no idea.  Would you like to call him tomorrow and I will sit with you while you ask him?"  As they get older, its just, "I don't know, ask him not me."  And when they are teens, you can just raise one eyebrow at their chain yanking statements, and chuckle to yourself and let it go.  Because THEY know that YOU know what the reality is.  Thus spake the voice of experience - who learned this at the hands of an amazing therapist.  :)  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

This, this, THIS!!!
Our first instinct is to shield our kids.  In the long run, I think it'd be better to help her deal with the fallout from her father's shortcomings than to shield her indefinitely. 
I kept my kids in the dark about their dad's stupidity for years.  They're teenagers now and of course their dad is a 'disney dad' and can do no wrong.....ugh.

SSBT2010

I'm with PPs on this one.  You can not cover for your Ex. My kids are 4 and 6 and my 4 yr old already sees how is dad is and doesn't want any part in any of it.  My 6 yr old is a daddy's girl and at this point thinks daddy can do no wrong even though he is never around and always pawns the kids off on his wife or his parents.  I make it a point to not cover for him, but to also not talk bad about him and his family because my children will find out for themselves what is what.  I do however clarify things that my ex may have told the kids if it is not correct.  Really you just have to let them learn for themselves even if it might hurt because if you keep covering for him then you will end up looking like the bad guy when they get older.

MikesAngie

My Dad covered for the "womb I rented" when I was little, and I am going to tell you from the child's pov - BE HONEST WITH HER!!  Do not cover, the truth will out and you will be stuck with a lot of questions about your ethics until it gets resolved. 

I have no ill will toward the "donor" but she was never ever a Mom, she NEVER did anything for me or remembered me  (wasn't even in the picture at all - her choice) - my Dad covered by driving out of town to send me gifts with cards signed by a secretary when I found this out I was very angry with him for lying. 

So please for you and for her do not cover for the ex.

dwashco

My kids were much older when I got divorced, but they get the same kind of treatment.  He (thier dad) thinks he can throw some money at them and that makes him a good father.  It took both my therapist asking me what kind of a father he was when we were married (not much better) and why did I expect that to change when we got divorced and my kids telling me, "But Dad's a D***!" before I really got that nothing I could do for my kids was going to make them believe that he was the kind of father we all wished he was.  Don't sugar coat it.  Kids get more than we want to believe they do.