The Guilt-long

daffydillie

I feel incredibly guilty lately. I love my FI more than anything in the world but I just feel so terrible about everything lately. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I know last Tuesday we went out and one of my exH's family members were there and kept badgering me saying I was not over my ExH. Well the truth is I am over my exH just not some of what had happened. I know I will not be alright for quite a few years if not never. ExH caused me to miscarry and some other very terrible things. And I had finally accepted what happened several years ago then when I caught him cheating the reasons surrounding what he did came out and really did a number on me. This family member was sitting there picking at me about it until I finally broke down about it later.

I guess I feel guilty that I want kids but I was already pregnant with my ex. Granted I dont have any kids because of what had happened, but it still bothers me. FI and I talked about it and he was ok with whatever happened then had a freakout. So I went and got an IUD. I cried when I got it put in. I have some health issues and I knew getting it probably ended my dreams of a family. By the time we are where we should be to have kids, I will more than likely be unable to conceive safely. I feel guilty about wanting kids. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting a family.

FI still has not made our engagement "official." We have the wedding planned out and everything paid for but he still is not ready to make it public we are engaged. I guess that is also feeding my insecurities. He wants everyone to approve of us, but when we first started dating I would not go out with him anymore than friends until my divorce was more certain. And I guess he ran me through the mud to his friends and left out huge details to them. So now most of his friends and immediate family do not approve of our relationship and think I treat him like crap.

CN: Feel guilty about wanting children. Feel like it is selfish. Feel guilty that I was pregnant before. Not sure if anyone else feels this way. Insecure about FI's immediate friends and family not liking me. FI waiting for their approval to proceed making engagement "official."

Lisa50

I think you need to figure out if you+ FI will be enough of a family for you.  Honestly, there are no fertility guarantees in life.  If, after soul-searching, you come to the conclusion that children are more important than this man, move on -- away from him.  From the way you describe things, it seems that might be the direction in which you're leaning.

On another topic, I'm not sure what an "official" engagement might be.  What makes it official?  A ring?  No.  A date set for the wedding?  No.  A promise to get married?  Yes.  So, this "official" designation sounds like it might be something which gives you both some wiggle room.  Take it (the wiggle room) and take some time to yourself to think things through.

Good luck!

daffydillie

Im not leaning away from him. I already made the decision to give up on kids. Just having trouble dealing with it and the guilt that comes from wanting to have them even though I have no right to want them at all. I made the best decision for us to get the IUD and donating my eggs this fall. Its just been hard. He is enough. I just hate the finality of my decisions. Guess I just caught baby fever from my friends, and the logical, reasonable part of me is squishing it with guilt.

And I feel like this "wiggle room" is making me feel like a dirty secret. Like what I was when I was married. None of my ExH's "girlfriends" knew he was married. Guess that is probably what is making me feel so insecure right now. I am being terribly unreasonable.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_the-guilt-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:512cf819-ac1d-40a2-a3b8-4ca2fc6157e5Post:6061924f-07e1-400b-bc46-2cdb5d983b31">Re: The Guilt-long</a>:
[QUOTE]Im not leaning away from him. I already made the decision to give up on kids. Just having trouble dealing with it and the <strong><font color="#0000ff">guilt that comes from wanting to have them even though I have no right to want them at all.</font></strong> I made the best decision for us to get the IUD and donating my eggs this fall. Its just been hard. He is enough. I just hate the finality of my decisions. Guess I just caught baby fever from my friends, and the logical, reasonable part of me is squishing it with guilt. And I feel like <strong><font color="#0000ff">this "wiggle room" is making me feel like a dirty secret.</font></strong> Like what I was when I was married. None of my ExH's "girlfriends" knew he was married. Guess that is probably what is making me feel so insecure right now. I am being terribly unreasonable.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

I am sorry you feel you don't have a right to want children.  Everyone has that "right," to use your turn of phrase. I would think, though, that you might choose a different birth control method to help assuage your guilt.  I'm getting the feeling you may not have all the information you need -- talk to your doctor about it.

Hopefully, over time you will find another way to deal with baby fever.  As hormones ebb and flow over time, you may "catch" baby fever again and again. I am closer to menopause than child-bearing age and, I tell ya, it (baby fever) has been more of a bear over the past 2 or 3 years than at any other time in my life.  I never craved having a baby during my prime child-bearing years.  Never.  In the past couple of years, though, it's been ridiculous.  Damned hormones!!

The last part I highlighted, this (engagement?) makes it feel as if you're a dirty little secret, is troublesome.  I would say trust your gut. It is <em>not</em> unreasonable, given what you've been through, to feel this way. And, honestly, if something is making the hair on your neck stand up, honor that feeling.

daffydillie

I have some health issues that prevent me from carrying. I will probably hit menopause within the next few years so we pretty much only have now. Even that is not certain I would be able to carry. I have already miscarried 5 times with my ex. My ex is a large part of why I will have so many problems having kids. So it is pretty much a done deal. FI said we can try after I am done with school and we buy a house. Thats about 5 years from now. Add my health problems to being in my 30s and it just is not likely. I am ok with it or well as much as I can be. I was just surprised at his harsh reaction a few months ago when he said it was ok I went off my ring for a few months because it was interacting with my other medications and then told me to go get the IUD. He was right, we both decided we would rather have no kids at all then to have them before we were ready. I cannot fault him for that. It does hurt, but I think the hurt comes more from what my Ex did then the responsible, logical decision FI made. 

I talked to him tonight. He finally told his family and friends and got their approval so he wants to make it "officail" as soon as possible. We have not said anything on Facebook or made our wedding plans public to anyone other than our vendors. There were a few reasons for that, but it turns out he was waiting for everyone to give him the nod that it was ok to go through with this. Im ok now, I just have been having a rough time lately. Mostly because my ex has started harassing me again and he has a few kids running around now after what he did to me.   

right1thistime

There are many ways to have children that don't include having a uterus that will sustain a pregnancy.  Once you work through your grief (that is what you are feeling, I would guess) you two can begin to explore the options.  RESOLVE is a wonderful group for people dealing with infertility for whatever reason. 

Have you been to counseling for YOU?  Your issues with your xH, and your guilt about even wanting children, your willingness to allow a former family member badger you into tears, your anxiety about making permanent decisions and your association of a not yet public engagement being equivocal to being the wife of a cheating man all scream "ISSUES" to me.  Please hear that in a non-judgemental tone, believe me, I had more than enough ISSUES to deal with after my divorce.  Counseling helped me to be a healthier woman and a better partner to my husband, and a better mom to my kids. 

If you feel like you need "wiggle room", take it.  There is no rush to be married.  Healing & mental health are more important.  ~Donna

MikesAngie

I agree with what Donna said.  Take care of you, get your questions answered and heal yourself. 

Children are wonderful but they add an entirely different dynamic to any relationship.  Children do not fix what's broken they seem to amplify the issues more often than not.  They are mimics and tend to exaggerate what they learn by watching those closest to them.

Become the healthiest woman you can be (inside and out) before you take on the responsibility of anyone else including a husband.  (They can fix you either, love you yes, heal you no)

I'm sorry you had an abusive first husband, for that reason alone you owe it to yourself to go to counseling, learn who you are again, and love yourself.  Once you are there then it would be safe for you to remarry and adopt or have a surrogate if you really want children. 

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_the-guilt-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:512cf819-ac1d-40a2-a3b8-4ca2fc6157e5Post:303494ff-12fa-4513-8032-0be7657c3bbc">Re: The Guilt-long</a>:
[QUOTE]There are many ways to have children that don't include having a uterus that will sustain a pregnancy.  Once you work through your grief (that is what you are feeling, I would guess) you two can begin to explore the options.  RESOLVE is a wonderful group for people dealing with infertility for whatever reason.  Have you been to counseling for YOU?  Your issues with your xH, and your guilt about even wanting children, your willingness to allow a former family member badger you into tears, your anxiety about making permanent decisions and your association of a not yet public engagement being equivocal to being the wife of a cheating man all scream "ISSUES" to me.  Please hear that in a non-judgemental tone, believe me, I had more than enough ISSUES to deal with after my divorce.  Counseling helped me to be a healthier woman and a better partner to my husband, and a better mom to my kids.  If you feel like you need "wiggle room", take it.  There is no rush to be married.  Healing & mental health are more important.  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

I have been in counseling for years and "graduated". I pop in from time to time just for a "check up", which I did yesterday. I also Joined an infidelity support group immediately after my discovery day as they call it. I am actually doing well but still have a trigger every now and then. It just appears I found another trigger. Everyone knows at this point, he told all his friends and family. They dont know the date I dont think but we have not said anything on Facebook or too terribly open. He wants to properly "propose" before it becomes too much public knowledge even though I have already had parent drama shortly after he talked to my dad about everything. I think the way he was going about it just reminded me of that time in my life. We talked about it and we are ok now. I just had a minor freakout. I truly believe I will have triggers for the rest of my life.

As for the children thing, this ex-IL cornered me in a situation I could not escape from. She picked at me for at least 3 hours while I was out with my friends on the anniversary of me losing my baby. I was pretty vulnerable, granted its been 3 years. I was doing well until she started. She did not know about what happened I dont think, and she assumed I was upset about ex-H (our wedding anti-versary is coming up on the 18th). The way my counselors have explained it is we have words for kids who lose parents, and people who lose spouses, but we dont have a word for parents who lose children. It is something I will grieve forever. The circumstances surround the loss is pretty terrible and ex-H tried to hide what he did from his family. I do feel grieve for my child I lost and the children I will never have. Its a pretty devestating diagnoses at 26 all because your ex-H wanted to screw around with 28+ people while you were married. But I deal with it. I do have guilt from time to time as I did the other night and thank you all for the responses. I just needed somewhere to go. Sorry that it was here. I am doing much better today, I think sometimes I forget that I am human.

MikesAngie

It's okay to bring issues here - we will just make suggestions and try to help.

right1thistime

Do not be sorry. Do not apologize for being human, for having feelings, for grieving, or for having emotions.  You are entitled to feel your losses.
May I ask why you felt un-empowered to tell your x-SIL to leave you alone?  3 hours with any inlaw, and certainly an EX in law is more than anyone needs.  Why couldn't you extricate yourself from that situation?  Why didn't your friends come & save you? You do not have to take her abuse, not now, not then, not ever- people can abuse you when they don't mean to, but you have the power to stop it.

You will feel triggers forever, but as you heal, you learn to recognize them as echoes of the past, rather than images of the present, and they don't reverberate the same way.

Good for you for checking in with your therapist, sounds like some strong emotions were going on.  ~Donna

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_the-guilt-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:512cf819-ac1d-40a2-a3b8-4ca2fc6157e5Post:2542a9ea-382e-45f4-87cb-1d610d5cf303">Re: The Guilt-long</a>:
[QUOTE]Do not be sorry. Do not apologize for being human, for having feelings, for grieving, or for having emotions.  You are entitled to feel your losses. May I ask why you felt un-empowered to tell your x-SIL to leave you alone?  3 hours with any inlaw, and certainly an EX in law is more than anyone needs.  <strong>Why couldn't you extricate yourself from that situation?  Why didn't your friends come & save you?</strong> You do not have to take her abuse, not now, not then, not ever- people can abuse you when they don't mean to, but you have the power to stop it. You will feel triggers forever, but as you heal, you learn to recognize them as echoes of the past, rather than images of the present, and they don't reverberate the same way. Good for you for checking in with your therapist, sounds like some strong emotions were going on.  ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

They did try to run interference. As soon as they were done distracting her she came right back at me. I cant get around very well because I just had recent surgery so she effectively had me cornered into the corner of the bar where I could not get out. (Trust me I tried.) There was a lot of celebrating going on so I ended up having a few too many and my friends were making the rounds around the bar. She even picked at me infront of one of my army buddies and he bought her a drink to try and change the subject. It truly was insane. She was out last night and apologized.