I have an anti-wedding groomzilla!!!

Betheli

My soon-to-be husband recently watched the first Sex In The City movie and now LOVES to compare us with Carrie & Mr. Big......  and NOT in a good way!!! He says I have let the wedding become bigger than us and that i am driving him away just like how Carrie did it to Mr. Big in the movie. I have always wanted a nice big grand wedding - not the typical church gym (with basketball hoops) wedding reception that EVERYONE in my church has cuz they are CHEAP! I have booked a nice country club for the reception. I would love to share the details of the planniong with him BUT everytime i even just mention anything remotely wedding he flips out and mentions Mr. Big again!
He insists that he is in control of all the honeymoon plans, which I had no problem with at first but he wants his 13 yr old son from his 1st marriage to tag along with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii..... I told him that it would be innappropriate and that he should invite his son to come out the week before the wedding to spend time with him. His responce was that we would be in a vacation home and have plenty of room for him. I think the only way to solve this is to get his mom and sisters involved to knock some sense into him.
I thought if i gave him a job to do for the wedding planning that he would get better - so I told him to find a photographer. BIG MISTAKE - he is looking for the cheapest photographer he can get and has even looked at getting some friends from church who own a nice camera to take the pictures - ahhhhh i want nice pictures to remember the day, not amature ones!!!
HELP - how do i diffuse him from being soo anti-wedding and get him to be realistic about the photographer & honeymoon plans??

nmauser82

Sorry to burst your bubble sweetie but He is trying to tell you something and you might be wise to open your ears and listen. You two need to talk about this seriously and decide what the two of you want. NOT just what YOU want. He doesn't want a big wedding. Is there a way that you can tone things down a bit? Maybe make it more about the two of you? Find out what about the wedding is making him so crazy. Is it the size of the guest list? The cost? Being the center of attention? Maybe he is insecure about getting married again (assuming it's his second based on the fact that he has a son), maybe things are moving too fast for him.

You need to find out why he is acting the way that he is before you can defuse him.

Also about the honeymoon. It sounds like his son does not live with him? Maybe he really just wants his son to be a part of your life together and thought that this would be a nice way for you all to spend time together. I agree its not the typical honeymoon but what's so horrible about it? You are going to have to get used to his son being around.

melissamc2

"Give him a job?"  Really?    The doesn't sound like a "Groomzilla" situation at ALL.

Perhaps the real issue here is that you two are NOT on the same page with your wedding, your relationship communication, or your future parenting situation. 

You're marrying a man with a child.  His child should/will always come first.  Accept that or get out - for everone's sake, yours included.  While I absolutely agree that having a 13 year old on your honeymoon is not IDEAL, it's also not the end of the world, as you've said it's not simply a single room situation.  His son is now a huge part of YOUR life, and your marriage, so getting used to it now is your best bet.

Where the photographer is concerned...we are having a very lavish and expensive wedding, and that is the very area we decided to cut cost.  Perhaps your fiance is like my fiance and I regarding this.  We just don't CARE about a ton of photos because really...you hang one up, you give one to each set of parents (if they even want one), and that's about it.  If you're a real picture person and he isn't, that's yet another thing it sounds like you need to discuss.

If your fiance is TELLING YOU that you are pushing him away - that's no good.  If I were you, I'd spend a little more time worrying about how my relationship was going rather than how my wedding and honeymoon were going to go.

I don't know you and can only base my opinion strictly on what YOU wrote - but I have to agree with your fiance.  It sounds like you're putting the wedding/honeymoon ahead of the actual marriage.

Good luck!  I hope things can go more smoothly for you from here on out.


(On a side note:  There are many brides on these boards who ARE having church gym weddings.  That doesn't make them any less wonderful for those women and they should not have to read you - or anyone else - calling them "CHEAP."  What you said could have been insulting, hurtful, and tacky to many people.)

kimp67

Yeah, I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with the other posters, you two need to sit down & really talk about things.
Good Luck!

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anti-wedding-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53372229-9aee-4292-89dc-597fee75a9e3Post:09cbaa69-e327-4784-b41a-62081573c794">Re: I have an anti-wedding groomzilla!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with the other posters, you two need to sit down & really talk about things. Good Luck!
Posted by kimp67[/QUOTE]

Ditto!  My FI and I were talking about wedding plans today.  One of many things we agreed upon is that, if a couple can't plan their wedding together ... that doesn't bode well for the life together which follows. 

Good luck with the talk ...

deepcovejackie

You might want to listen to your FI.  You also might want to stop putting others down for their "cheap" wedding choices.

embracejoy

Um, wow...

To echo everything everyone before me has said.. you need to LISTEN to what your fiance is saying.

It's time to start focusing on what your lives will be like after the fantasy of the wedding and honeymoon are over, and your MARRIAGE begins.  You're so focused on the few days of wedding-time, you've lost all focus of the rest of your LIVES.

You need to do some serious reassessing of what's really going on here.

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_anti-wedding-groomzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:53372229-9aee-4292-89dc-597fee75a9e3Post:6a2e1913-5581-4903-bb2b-116f8988bbbc">Re: I have an anti-wedding groomzilla!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have an anti-wedding groomzilla!!! : One of many things we agreed upon is that, if a couple can't plan their wedding together ... that doesn't bode well for the life together which follows.  Good luck with the talk ...
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]I'd second this one.  At our wedding, the rabbi mentioned the extent to which we had worked together to devise the ceremony, and said that it indicated we had a teamwork approach that would help us in all of marriage.

pierrette123

Have to agree with everyone else.  You need to compromise and it sounds like you need to listen.  I wanted a nice wedding with the white dress and everything because I didn't have that at my first wedding.  But ultimately my FI and I had to make some decisions together and he made it clear as glass, he didn't want to spend a fortune and go into debt paying for a second wedding.  I respect that, it's a wise choice.  As for the kid tagging along....ummmmm what's wrong with that?  If I could leave with my son's on a holiday, I'd jump at the chance and I know my FI would too.  After all, we're a family and things are more fun when you can do things together...13 is a great age, they are adventerous and fun to hang out with.  If your groom is cutting you off at the mere thought that he might have to participate then you got bigger problems than the wedding.  I would suggest that you guys have a heart to heart talk and you go in prepared to listen to what he has to say and prepare for some compromise.

KilleenBride

I have to agree with everyone else about you needing to have a serious talk with your FI about your wedding and your life after, Just think, if you ignore these warning signs then he very well could do just what "Mr.Big' did and leave you at the alter of your perfect wedding. You need to figure out if what you expect married life to be like is the same thing he does. I will have to disagree with the above posters though because I do understand about wanting to spend your honeymoon as just the two of you. It will be the last time that it will be just the two of you on a vacation because since you are marrying a man with a kid then there will be his son then if you have kids together there will be them as well, so it is your last chance to have the romantic getaway as a couple without having to worry about a babysitter plus honeymoon's are traditionally supposed to only be for the couple, it is not a family vacation. I will probably get allot of heat for saying all this, but it is my on opinion. But honestly sit you FI down and pour a glass of wine and have a serious talk with him.

kennyj66

I agree with KilleenBride, the honeymoon is a special vacation for just the 2 of you to really get to know each other as a couple. I have a 2 year old, and as much as I love his guts, I would not want to take him on a romantic vacation with me and my new husband. In my religion, sex is a sacred thing that is saved for marriage, so for a child to be involved in the honeymoon would just be awkward! Go on your honeymoon, and then take the kid on a family vacation later. I have to agree with the rest though, definitely have a discussion about the other issues and find out what's at the heart of his concerns. And maybe don't watch movies like that with him anymore

Leslyblanc

Great advices here, the most important in my opion is listen your FI; let him open up his heart and talk about his concerns. And please, don't buy the BS sold all over the place that the weddings are all about the brides. This is a lie...if was not for a Gromm the bride would not be a bride, but just a woman dressed in a usually expensive white gown. From de engagement,  everything is about the couple. It's what you both have envisioned for the first official day of your marriage. Seeing a glooming face, a beautiful smile in BOTH of you, is way more important than the color of the flowers or the table set decoration. You and him are the protagonist of a unique love story, and whatever is involved should not be more important than you both, your aspirations and hopes. Learn how to compromise, to concede here tp gain over there...that is what relationship are about; when both are satisfied and happy instead of just one. I hope and pray that you will be able to work things out with your beau!!!

LesPaul

It's his wedding too.  You are dictating and not listening.  Read PP advice.

BTW - we had all four of our children, the Best Man and his family, my Brother and his family, and assorted friends along for our honeymoon.  We had a blast, and a great week of fun with all of them.

Get over yourself.  The universe is larger than you.

Sue-n-Kevin

First of all, welcome Betheli.

Most of the ladies on this board have all been married before, whether large or small weddings the first time around, or this time around, there is a huge variety of experiences. I have not been married before, but my fiance has been married twice. Due to the fact we are both in our 50's, this board and my local board are the ones I post on the most, because I have more in common with the mature ladies here.

My fiance never had a big or formal wedding. We are planning one that he's been involved in from day one. It will be formal, for 100 people.

I agree with the prior posters, if you and your fiance cannot sit down and decide to have a style of wedding that both of you want, you are not going to be very successful at marriage. Don't mean to sound like a Mom here, but it's true. He is trying to tell you something with the analogy of Mr Big & Carrie Bradshaw..... I'd listen. There are obviously PERCEPTION differences between what a wedding is for him, and for you. Yes, it should be a special day. But it can't be the be-all and end-all of your lives together.

Good luck.

jcaruncho2010

Wow.  We have some...very opinionated posters on here.  The whole "Get over yourself" statement was classic.

Betheli, all of the knotties on here know how stressful planning a wedding can be, and obviously that stress is evident in the post you just typed. But girlfriend, you need to take a yoga class or twenty, sit down, and meditate, and then calmly discuss with your FI what is important to him. I'm not sure what your finances are like but this is usually the first thing on a man's mind when his fiancée is planning a wedding, so maybe that's why he seems so disgruntled, aside from the fact that the wedding is bigger than he originally thought it would be.  If I were you, I would actively search for ways to reduce costs and show him that you're doing everything you can to minimize expenses.  For example, when I booked my  photographer, I booked a photographer that was relatively new to the business.  I didn't have to skimp on quality...his portfolio is magnificent and just what I was looking for.  But his prices were less than half of the quotes I was receiving from everyone else because of the fact he's new to wedding photography. My floral arrangements are budget-conscience as well, and I googled and used every single promo I possibly could before purchasing any of my favors or accessories.  

If the venue is already booked and a deposit is already paid for, he can't very well ask you to scrap that idea.  But you need to make him aware that his opinion matters.

Regarding the honeymoon, this is just something that I would not feel comfortable budging on.  This is YOUR honeymoon.  I would suggest booking two "honeymoons"...if you planned on taking a 7 day honeymoon maybe cut that in half, one honeymoon for 4 days and the other for 3...one to hawaii with your fiancé and one to disney world with his son.  You need to give a little...but I don't think you're being selfish with this.  

For the love of God, though, do not involve your MIL or SIL.  If my FI involved MY family in any of OUR problems, I would kick his a*s.  

KRN726

Are you sure it wasn't "He's Just Not That Into You " that he watched? His behavior does not sound like someone who is thrilled to be getting married. I'd take the advice of everyone on this board and listen to him. Your goal should be concensus, not compromise. If you two can't do that now...well, let's just say that it's very telling of the future. Is that really how you want to start your marriage?

S0095042

I think you and your FI need to sit down and get on the same page. Did you ever ask him what type of a wedding he had in mind? Why do you need his mother and sisters to talk to him?--you're going to be the one marrying him, if you can't agree on things as minor as a wedding photog (though i understand the situation) then how are you going to work the big things out like parenting his son?
3 things to think about:
1. when you delegate out a task you need to make sure that the person who is doing the searching is understanding what you are looking for. You can't ask him to do the work and put time into somthing and then go back and say (atleast not to your groom), "actually, i hate the photog you picked, you're being cheap." Don't set him up to fail, if you knew he wasn't really into the wedding sceen, don't force it, it'll only cause you more stress in the end
2. i, personally, think it is very innapproprite to bring a child along for the whole honeymoon...it's really the only time the 2 of you get to step out of your lives and relax and enjoy each other. I have had family members who allow thier child/chidren to come meet up with them towards the last 2 days (or so) of the honeymoon, which i suppose could be a good compromise for the two of you. But no matter how much "space" you have, the kid shouldn't be there the whole time. But when talking about this, make sure he knows that it has NOTHING to do with the kid, which i'm assuming it doesn't. Make it clear to him why you find the honeymoon so special... you two need to get on the same page with each other before the wedding even happens.
3. Careful not to make the wedding all about you. Remeber, in the end, it's about the 2 of you. Find out what he was looking forward to/ expecting. His idea for the ceremony and reception, then work together to come to a medium spot. Remember you wedding day ISN'T about the BRIDE...it IS about the BRIDE & GROOM.

best of luck.

withinpeace

breathe..step back and reflect...i am on the other side of our situation...my fi has been pretty much aloof about all things wedding..i was beginning to worried that he didn't want to get married...i asked him 2 weeks ago and he confirmed my fear...he feels like we need more time so now i'm  not getting married in october...he said would use to get married next spring/summer...while it hurts and i just want to yell..."why are you doing this?"...i have to be mature and realize that in the end..i want to spend the rest of my life with him..so if they means i have to wait a few months to get married..in the end it's worth...so take it from me..u need to listen to him and make a compromise...i'm with you i wouldn't want to lil one coming on the honeymoon..maybe you can scale back on the wedding and plan a trip for the 3 of you before the wedding...like to disney or something...just rememeber u don't want to be like carrie (left at the alter)...it's better to compromise besides isn't that what marriage is all about

Knittibell

What if you did this:

Scale the wedding back a bit- you can still have a beautiful, elegant wedding without a TON of people, or having the most expensive options. Maybe serve chicken instead of beef, have just beer and wine rather than a full open bar, etc- there are ways to scale things back- simple and elegant is always good, IMO.

I do think photos are important, but is there an arts college near you? Also ask at your local board- you may find someone amazing who is still building a portfolio.

Make a list of the 3 most important things you want for your wedding. Have him do the same, and then figure out how to cut out all the rest of the stuff that really, at the end of the day, does not matter.

I actually agree with you that his son should NOT go on the HM with you guys. BUT what I would suggest to him is that you find ways to scale back on the wedding- enough so that you can afford a second trip with the THREE of you doing something your fi's SON would love- ski trip, or whatever.

Stress you want to scale your elegant wedding back a bit so you can afford a FAMILY VACATION with the three of you sometime after your honeymoon. Good luck!

_Dagney_

You need to listen to your future husband. You marriage is more important than your wedding. Seriously, don't ignore this. Maybe it's time to scale back on some plans, it's his wedding too.  (You plans sound lovely and this is not a criticism of anything specific) But Obviously he has a problem with the way things are going.  As for the stepson on the honeymoon.  Remeember, you aren't marrying a young man with no attachments, that's just not your reality.  Maybe let the kid go and make it a fun family vacation.  I know it's not what you invisioned, but it's not WRONG. 

Maybe the 2 of you should have a cute mini-honeymoon with just the 2 of you at a city near you or a local affordable vacation site, just a sweet romantic long weekend.