Does this bother anyone else?

Avion22

There was a post on another board that said something like, "His second, my first AND ONLY wedding!"   And...well....it just really bothered. me.

First of all, I'm a widow, and am remarrying next year.  I'm glad that my first wedding wasn't MY ONLY wedding, because I feel blessed to have found love again.   But I know that all of us, no matter what our circumstances, feel blessed to be in the relationships that we are in, and are immensely happy that we are getting married again.

I guess it made me feel like this person was looking down on second-time brides....


Does this bother anyone else, or am I just being overly sensitive?

AdamsGirl2012

Maybe she was just trying to show that by the word "first" she didn't mean that she was intending for there to be other weddings following? ... Like she wants to stay with him forever? My gut feeling would be that she doesn't look down on second weddings considering it will be her FI's second. I'm sorry it bothered you though regardless of how she meant it. :-/

right1thistime

Yeah, sometimes it bugs me.  I am divorced, and I know fully that when I was wedding planning, I wasn't thinking, "well, if this wedding doesn't turn out so great, there's always the next time." 

I am sure you never dreamed you'd lose your first husband, either. 

I want to holler at them - "What guarantee do you have that tells you that neither you nor your Fi will ever: get sick, have a mental illness, change your mind, grow in different directions, fall in love (or lust) with someone else, etc!!!?!?"

Then I remember that we all were there once, too.  No need to burst their bubble.  Just harumph to yourself, Avion, and think - from their lips to <insert favorite deity here />'s ears.

~Donna

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53bc26dc-ece6-469b-bfbb-886b1e3c7a9cPost:cd6754de-9549-40b3-aeb3-67d6a00d6fc2">Re: Does this bother anyone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, sometimes it bugs me.  I am divorced, and I know fully that when I was wedding planning, I wasn't thinking, "well, if this wedding doesn't turn out so great, there's always the next time."  I am sure you never dreamed you'd lose your first husband, either. <strong> I want to holler at them - "What guarantee do you have that tells you that neither you nor your Fi will ever: get sick, have a mental illness, change your mind, grow in different directions, fall in love (or lust) with someone else, etc!!!?!?" </strong>Then I remember that we all were there once, too.  No need to burst their bubble.  Just harumph to yourself, Avion, and think - from their lips to <insert favorite deity here />'s ears. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]


That's it exactly.   I just want people to really cherish every single day with their fiance's/husbands -- I didn't even get to say good-bye to mine, it happened that quickly.  

None of us PLAN on having second/third/etc weddings.   It's not something you CAN plan.  Which is why it bothers me when people assume that they will never, ever, ever get married again. 

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53bc26dc-ece6-469b-bfbb-886b1e3c7a9cPost:636981c0-7b13-4c57-898f-5bdb404e1518">Re: Does this bother anyone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this bother anyone else? : That's it exactly.   I just want people to really cherish every single day with their fiance's/husbands -- I didn't even get to say good-bye to mine, it happened that quickly.   None of us PLAN on having second/third/etc weddings.  <strong> It's not something you CAN plan.  Which is why it bothers me when people assume that they will never, ever, ever get married again. 
</strong>Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

True.  And I agree with pp - just harumph and move on.  I certainly hope they are right, but one never knows.

guessagain

First, so sorry for your loss, and I am glad you have found someone to share your life with.

I married my first husband for forever, and was devastated how short of time it was (15 yrs)......I married my second husband as long as we were happy, if ever one or both of us decided it wasn't working, then it would end.....I was devastated when he left me, I never thought he would leave me and I knew I wasn't leaving him.  I had made up my mind I was good being on my own.  If I ever met anyone, it would just have to be casual, nothing too serious, as I really didn't think I could handle another loss (way more than just my marriage in the recent past).  And that puts me here getting ready for number three......

I agree with the others, none of us plan to be here, hopefully we all go into a marriage thinking it will last.  We have gained wisdom, experience a knowledge about marriage--regardless of how they ended.

PS--when I saw her post I thought "yes, I said that too..." LOL~

2dBride

I was "sure" my first wedding would be my only one.  After all, we had known each other for seven years before we got married.  I was fully committed to staying with him unless there was abuse--and he wasn't capable of that.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize that 20 years later, he would leave me.

I think that when people say stuff like that, it's kind of a superstitious thing.  They would like to believe that they have full control over whether the marriage ends (with divorce or death) or not, even though that is obviously not true.  However, it has been my own experience that those loudest about how their marriage is their first AND ONLY are often the ones who end up with either a broken engagement or a broken marriage.

handfast4me

Yes, that always bothers me.  It also bothers me when women on THIS board say "this will be my last."   Yes, as pps wrote, none of us go into it wishing it will end in death or divorce, but things happen.  Bad things.    And I hope that these folks CAN find love again after tragedies.  They're just not thinking clearly or logically when they write these things. 

Sue-n-Kevin

True.  And I agree with pp - just harumph and move on.  I certainly hope they are right, but one never knows

Harumph. I read a lot of posts on the boards (less now that I'm married). I don't think twice about anything anyone says. If I have input, I provide it. If I disagree, I move on. Saves a lot of aggravation.

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53bc26dc-ece6-469b-bfbb-886b1e3c7a9cPost:ad2b32a4-b7b4-44ea-a687-97d2cb2feee2">Does this bother anyone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]There was a post on another board that said something like, "His second, my first AND ONLY wedding!"   And...well....it just really bothered. me. First of all, I'm a widow, and am remarrying next year.  I'm glad that my first wedding wasn't MY ONLY wedding, because I feel blessed to have found love again.   But I know that all of us, no matter what our circumstances, feel blessed to be in the relationships that we are in, and are immensely happy that we are getting married again. I guess it made me feel like this person was looking down on second-time brides.... Does this bother anyone else, or am I just being overly sensitive?
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

I know what you mean and I almost commented on that more than once.

No one knows if a wedding with be their only because we can't tell the future. No matter if you are widowed or divorced.

I hate when people say things like that and I usually tell them not many people go into the marriage planning to divorce. (or be widowed) And for all those who say they would stay no matter what and "work it out" .....it's not always possible or adivsable.

Thanks for this post!!

lindaloulubbock

I was one of those people.  I thought that no matter what my XH and I would work it out and I would always stay married.  Divorce wasn't for me, no way no how.

I was 24 and I had no idea how life would change or how sad I would be.  I always just chalk it up to ignorance, inexperience, and self-affirmation.  I  hope and pray that my marriage stays as strong as it is now and that I never live a day without my husband by my side, but none of us ever knows what lies ahead.  I think as we get older we learn that there are few things in life that can be stated definitively, some people learn that lesson earlier than others and some never learn it at all. 

clp01usa

I would just smile and congratulate them.  II's like throwing salt over your shoulder, all it is is hope. I don't think anyone goes down the aisle thinking, "okay, give this one 5, 10, 15 years and then I'll trade him in". You put in your best effort and work on it.  Even harder 2nd time because you have different perspective and expectations.  Not to mention new family dynamics.  Don't let it bother too much, more important things than someone's opinion.

crazynlove2011

I just had to post because I too was one thinking the "how dare she say that." I am young, still in my early 30s and have friends who often will say this is their first and only marriage, etc. It used to make me feel pretty bitter inside as well. Then I thought about it and realized I would never wish the hurt and pain that I went through with my divorce on anyone. Granted, we stayed pretty cordial through it all but it had it's ugly moments. I would never wish that pain on anyone else. Divorce, or becoming a widow I am sure, is where the saying "ignorance is bliss" truly fits. 

So when someone says a comment about that (only wanting to be married once), I wish them well. I hope they never have to go through the pain of divorce or death. However, that pain has led me to my current fiance and without the pain, I wouldn't have the joy of my current fiance, nor would I appreciate him and what attributes he brings to the relationship. 

Good luck!

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:53bc26dc-ece6-469b-bfbb-886b1e3c7a9cPost:7a3989fa-8a1b-4354-96ac-a83f632d9579">Re: Does this bother anyone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just had to post because I too was one thinking the "how dare she say that." I am young, still in my early 30s and have friends who often will say this is their first and only marriage, etc. It used to make me feel pretty bitter inside as well. Then I thought about it and realized I would never wish the hurt and pain that I went through with my divorce on anyone. Granted, we stayed pretty cordial through it all but it had it's ugly moments. I would never wish that pain on anyone else. Divorce, or becoming a widow I am sure, is where the saying "ignorance is bliss" truly fits.  So when someone says a comment about that (only wanting to be married once), I wish them well. I hope they never have to go through the pain of divorce or death. However, that pain has led me to my current fiance and without the pain, I wouldn't have the joy of my current fiance, nor would I appreciate him and what attributes he brings to the relationship.  Good luck!
Posted by crazynlove2011[/QUOTE]

I'm not wishing them pain or divorce or anything like that BUT I am wishing they'd open their eyes and realize that they can't predict the future and perhaps they should be more aware of what they are saying and what their words imply.

coopsbaby

I agree that it would be nice if people could think before they speak and realize that it may be hurtful to those of us who are divorced/widowed. I fully intended to only marry once, and even though we were not happy,wanted to make it work. I tried to get exH into counseling and stuff with no luck. Then he left me for some chick he was boinking that he met on facebook.

Even though I'm so much happier without him, and have met and am going to marry a wonderful man who is so much better for me and my kids, it's still painful that I couldn't make it work and my kids come from a "broken home".

I know most of them don't mean to sound all judgey, but I feel judged. With that said, I just ignore them. Hopefully it all works out for them and they never have to go through the pain of losing a spouse for whatever reason.

belle3476

you just hope for the best with the onw that you're with. pray and love - no matter what.

sarafoley98

How about this? The night I got engaged, my MOH said "Wow, you lapped me" as in... I got married at 23, divorced at 25 and engaged at 29. She's been single that whole time, although now recently engaged. No one plans for this stuff. It's fine that she wasn't a child bride like I was, but it's also not a competition. Maybe she said it just because she was anxious to get engaged?

Smithkk

I agree that I think you have to let things go! We should all hope that as we enter in to a marriage and it is the one and only. I know I do! I have also gone threw a tragic situations and lost what I thought was my one and only love....but have found my way to another love...thankfully. I think that so often on this site people do not really respond to the question, but their view on the wedding as a whole. We would all be happier brides if we let it roll off of us. i know I do! I say plan your wedding...be happy...and let others be happy too with their thoughts and their plans. I hope it is her one and only wedding. My parents will have been married for 60 years this year and I am glad for them that they believed it was their one and only

tcjames

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_this-bother-anyone-else?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:53bc26dc-ece6-469b-bfbb-886b1e3c7a9cPost:ad2b32a4-b7b4-44ea-a687-97d2cb2feee2">Does this bother anyone else?</a>:
[QUOTE]There was a post on another board that said something like, "His second, my first AND ONLY wedding!"   And...well....it just really bothered. me. First of all, I'm a widow, and am remarrying next year.  I'm glad that my first wedding wasn't MY ONLY wedding, because I feel blessed to have found love again.   But I know that all of us, no matter what our circumstances, feel blessed to be in the relationships that we are in, and are immensely happy that we are getting married again.<strong> I guess it made me feel like this person was looking down on second-time brides...</strong>. Does this bother anyone else, or am I just being overly sensitive?
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
 
Congrats... I'm happy that you found love again! Many ppl on here just want to force their way of thinking & ideas on others and never take the time look at the whole picture and sometimes not even reading the whole post. So, please don't take what is said here personally. I had to learn that the hard way. Now I just SMH had some of the most ridiculous stuff that come off of ppl's keyboard. To me not having an open mind make you miss out on a lot in life.

stephk31

* To me not having an open mind make you miss out on a lot in life.*

Ditto. Every day is a gift. Cherish each other like it was the last day but hope that God will bless you with many more. There are not guarantees in life.