Dear Second Wedding Ladies,
I've been on the Knot for close to a year, but haven't formally introduced myself on any board. Partly because I'm more of a listener than a talker (although when I do post, they tend to be long!), but more because our relationship is a wonderful, very precious thing to me, and I don't care to expose it to a lot of negativity. But I've been around this board long enough to see that I think you "get" the beauty of relationships that don't necessarily follow a Hollywood story board.
So, I'm taking a deep breath and plunging in to say "Hi."
This is my FI's second marriage and my first; he is divorced (one source of flack), and there is an age difference (he's older -- the other thing that seems to cause people mental hives). We've known each other, in one context or another, for about 12 years, been friends for around 4, began dating in October 2011 and were engaged Valentine's Day 2012. Wedding date is
finally set (and wow, was that a work of diplomacy!) for April 27, 2013. I love him so much, and I just marvel at the way our relationship has grown and deepened.
We've gotten some poor responses, and though I expected it, to some extent, I wasn't prepared for how hurtful it can be. I think part of it was that we weren't really flamboyant about dating -- we wanted to decide what we were doing and where we were going without a lot of other people were weighing in -- so some people (esp. at church) didn't realize we'd transitioned from friends to dating until we were engaged.
The best of the worst was the lady who asked me whether I was prepared to be a widow by age 50 ... um, say what?!?!? Do I realize that he's older than me, yes; do I realize that I'm likely to be widowed, yes, but if you're gonna start down that path you might as well go ask that bouncy little 21-year-old over there the same question, because there are no guarantees in life. (fortunately, I didn't think to say all that at the time -- this was someone I barely knew, and I was kinda in shock).
And I've heard the inevitable "well, of course you're going to want to have a small wedding -- don't make too much of a to-do about it, because, well, you know", "you don't need anything big and fancy when it's just a second wedding", "you're going to wear a
real wedding dress? Oh. I wouldn't have thought" and similar statements. I also seem to have developed a remarkable talent for stopping a conversation in it's tracks, just by using the words "fiance" or "wedding"/"marriage" ... it's really kinda sad that people can't just be rejoice with you? I've waited a long time for this, and darn it, I'm happy! I'm excited; I'm thrilled!!! And somehow I have the strange idea that I have as much right to that joy as any other bride-to-be.
So I'm very happy and enjoying planning, but haven't had much outlet for talking about the plans or (heaven forbid) being rather giddy, on occassion, that this is actually happening! I have a friend who got married last year, and she and I did have some chatter-fests about bridal stuff ... until I found out that she was being critical and condescending behind my back because FI is divorced and prompting others to think about how "weird" the age difference was. Ouch. I thought I left junior high school behind years ago. I've been a bit burned in sharing wedding planning joy, but I have to say that this board has been such an encouragement to me. Knowing and seeing that others are in similar situations, and wrestling with similar issues has been really, really helpful.
Both of our families are very supportive. FI flew out to Seattle last Christmas to meet those of my family he hadn't met yet, and to ask my parents' blessing to move forward. I came to know his parents around the time we became friends, and his siblings and siblings-in-law have been very welcoming and seem quite happy. I am deeply, deeply thankful for that.
So that's a bit about me ... out from under my rock, lol!