remove

hisbabygirl76

Just going to remove . thanks again

handfast4me

Hmmm.  How old are you both? 

I know that years ago it used to be customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, but those days are long gone.  First, the wedding was considered sort of a dowry, and second, many women didn't make enough money (if they worked outside the home at all) to pay for the wedding.  Third, when couples married at a younger age, they didn't have money to do this sort of thing. It's a lot different now. 

From what I've read here on the knot for the past 4 to 5 years, many, if not most, couples plan the reception (the groom traditionally payed for the officiant fee) THEY can afford.  If the relatives pitch in, that's a bonus, but not expected.  Some parents split it evenly.  I've seen a lot of posts calling out brides who expect their parents to pay for the wedding and reception, and their entitlement issues.  Read Right1's post below about entitlement.  Maybe he needs to read it, too.  Sounds like your FI has this issue to me. 

Just out of curiousity, what else does he expect your parents to pay for, and what does he expect from you? Not just monetarily, but is he going to expect you to stay home 24/7?  Be at his beck and call? Change your name?  I would suggest a long talk with him now regarding his future expectations of everything.  There's a book called 1001 things to ask BEFORE you get married that might be of use to you. 

MikesAngie

IMHO it is unreasonable for even first time brides & grooms to expect that their respective parents should pay for their event.  The best way to guarantee that you have the wedding  you want (and can afford) is to pay for it yourself. 

Neither of my Dad's daughters weddings (first or in my case otherwise) were paid for by the parents - for my first (1991) and my baby sister's wedding we each received one gift of $500.00 (my baby sister was married in 2009). My step-sister's first and part of her second were funded by her dad, my adopted sister's first was paid for by my parents (1985 $500.00). 

My DH and I were all set to pay for our wedding in full when his mom and dad before he passed decided to pay for the rehearsal dinner and $500.00 of the open bar. 

ETA: I know this doesn't help in getting your FI to understand - but perhaps you could explain to him that without parents footing the bill you both get to call the shots.  Typically those that hold the gold make the rules. 

Avion22

So is his issue with the money, or does he feel weird about the fact that you were married before?   

If it's money, then I would just explain to him that nowadays people pay for their own wedding, even moreso in this economy, when people just can't afford to shell out big bucks on their kids (especially when nobody knows what's around the corner).  But yes, paying yourself gives you the freedom to make your own decisions.

If his issue is that you've been married before, then I recommend counseling.  It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it would help to talk about how he is feeling and figure out how to get past this.

handfast4me

So, you're grown folks (as it's called here in atlanta) and he expects someone to pay his way? I don't know but that would raise red flags for me.

hisbabygirl76

I dont think he is expecting anyone to pay his way. He has an amazing job, and makes a good living. I think it stemmed more from the fact that his family has offered to help and was taken aback by me not asking my family for help. We by no means expect anyone to foot this bill for us. The more I think about it all I think it more stems from the fact that he has to accept this is NOT my first go round and its still a sore spot maybe.

handfast4me

Well, I guess that would raise even more red flags. It's your history, as painful as it may have been, it has contributed to who he loves now. He needs to deal with it and accept it. My dh totally accepts the fact that I was married once before and have a grown daughter out of that marriage. He was 39 when we married and I was 48. He had never been married before but it just wasn't a problem to face the fact that we each had a history since we weren't 16. Before I met dh, I dated a lot and I did date one guy (once) who had issues with divorce, and so I chose never to see him again because I didn't want to deal with that. Do you want this to become an issue for the rest of your life/marriage?

ETA spelling errors

Marrin713

If he's going to play the  "oh thats right I forget you were married before" card every time he wants to get under your skin in an argument, I would seriously consider some counseling.  There was something in my past that xH liked to rub my nose in whenever he was feeling bitchy (for lack of a better term) and boy did I come to resent that in a hurry.

hisbabygirl76

Thank you all for the advice.

Sue-n-Kevin

In our case, it was my first marriage, my husband's 3rd. We pretty much threw tradition out the window, because we were both in our 50's, and my parents and his mom are retirees........we knew we'd pay for it all.

I agree with the other ladies, it sounds as though there is something about your prior marriage that is under your fiance's skin. Retread Bride offers some very good discussion points.

Whether your parents offer any financial assistance is between YOU and YOUR PARENTS. It is not his place to criticize or offer up his opinion at all in any admonishing, critical or mean-spirited manner. As grown ups, it is up to the two of you to resolve this wedding issue in your own manner between the two of you. I have a 25 year old son and 17 year old daughter, and will work for the next 10 years to support my half of our blended family. At no time would I expect either of my children to ask for financial assistance in planning a wedding when they are adults. It doesn't mean I wouldn't offer to assist, but I'm pretty darn sure they would not EXPECT my assistance in anything other than a nominal contribution. And why is that? Because I'm raising them to be self sufficient and not expect me to support them or their desires/dreams/hopes/wishes in any financial manner.

My recommendation: decline the offer of financial assistance from his parents in a very kind and thoughtful manner, and plan the wedding you can both afford. It was my first marriage, and as an adult I knew it was on us, even with 5 kids between us. I think your fiance needs to grow up a bit. Maybe a lot, LOL.

Is your fiance going to compare who gave how much as a wedding gift between your family and friends and his? Does he place a much higher premium on money=love=importance than you do? It's dangerous territory and would give me pause quite frankly.

Good luck

handfast4me

Even though you finally accepted what we said you decided to DD? Seriously?  You know, yesterday when I came on the board I fully expected a DD.  When you wrote "thanks for the advice" I figured you had listened.   I should trust my first instinct, like I normally do and give it to you without the sugar coating.  :-P

Marrin713

Foiled again, Hand, foiled again!