Second Weddings

Tell EX-H about engagement? Or not?

I was divorced in 2008, no children. My ex-husband cheated with my good friend and is still with her today. I met an amazing man in 2009 and we recently got engaged. My ex-husband and I have very little contact, as we live in different states. For instance, I sent him a "happy birthday" email last month but that's the first contact we've had in months.

I try to keep things cordial, however, because he has been unable to refinance our house to get my name off of the mortgage. Our deal was that as long as my name was on the mortgage, I would also remain the beneficiary on his life insurance and retirement plans in case something happened to him and I had to deal with the house.

My ex-husband isn't a bad person, necessarily, but he can be quite vindictive and petty. And I'm afraid if he finds out I'm getting married from someone else, he'll fly off the handle and take me off of his insurance, etc. which would be a problem if something happened to him with the house.

So in short, would it be better to tell him myself to clear the air? Or just stick to the "it's none of his business anyway" thought?
New Name, Old Nestie Blog: Career Girl Network

Re: Tell EX-H about engagement? Or not?

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't know what to tell you.  I have a 28 year old blabbermouth of a son that told my ex I was getting married.  I had been dating H for about 7 years already so xH had to know marriage was coming sooner or later. LOL

    How likely is it that he'll find out from other sources?
  • MarcyLTMarcyLT member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think he'll find out eventually - we don't really have mutual friends, but some of "my people" know "his people" if that makes sense.
    New Name, Old Nestie Blog: Career Girl Network
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Marcy it totally depends on your situation.  I didn't tell my xH because there is a no contact order in place, and he has been harassing and stalking me... (just two of the many reasons he's an ex).  My DH's xW doesn't know yet he's waiting until we have the recorded official marriage license, because she is a drama queen and will be thinking that there may be  more money to get out of him.

    OAN:  You could get your xH to complete assumption paperwork which would remove you from the loan.
  • MarcyLTMarcyLT member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Don't I wish on the assumption. You can only do an assumption with our mortgage company for up to 110% of the loan, and unfortunately we're under water on the mortgage more than that, so I'm shot on options for about 5-8 years until either A) he pays enough of the principle down to refi or assume the mortgage or B) the market rebounds and the house is worth what we paid for it. So sucky.

    Thanks so much for the support, though!
    New Name, Old Nestie Blog: Career Girl Network
  • edited December 2011
    I've been divorced for 6 years, no kids. I always thought that when I remarried I'd tell him, just to be "nice," but he got remarried a few years back and I found out about it through mutual coworkers (we worked for the same company at the time, although in different states). So, I'm not going to tell him.

    My fiance is insistent that he isn't going to tell his ex kind of for the same reasons you're struggling with. Maybe if you can tell him as kind of an FYI ... even by email? Not the best way to deliver news but if you are worried about his reaction, he can work through it on his own time.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    It sounds like you and he are not friends.  If that is the case, I recommend you not bother making an effort to tell him. 

    Heck, my ex and I have a kid together -- and I didn't tell him until my fiance and I had been engaged for about a year.  LOL!!  Mind you, the ex and I saw each other weekly -- at football games, etc., but it just never came up.  I think his sisters and mom knew before he did.  In our case, it wasn't a big deal.  The only thing we talk about is our son and our parents.  Other than that, we don't converse ... so it would have been weird for me to call and say, "I'm engaged!"

    You know your ex best ... go with your gut!

  • edited December 2011
    i just sent a text to my ex-H with a note saying, 'just so you know, K and i are probably going to get married this year.'  We're FB friends (though most info is blocked from him) and I just didn't want him to hear it from someone else. 
  • wenzday66wenzday66 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I told mine because I thought it best he heard it from me.

    You need to get out of the mortgage fast!  You cannot begin a successful life with your new husband while your still financially involved with the old one.  I hate to be blunt but your putting your ex's feelings before your fiance's.  If he cant refinance or get a co signer then sell it and move on.  My house sold in 6 months even in this economy for a good price.

    Good Luck
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