kids

christined1115

Anyone else have kids that aren't so thrilled about mom remarrying?
I'm so excited about my wedding next year but my kids aren't looking forward to my wedding. My son won't give me away, my older daughter won't be a bridesmaid and my younger daughter thinks I should wait another year even though I've postponed a year already. Any advice? I'm really getting sad about this because I thought they would want me to be happy and I was very supportive for my daughter's wedding.

2dBride

It is unfortunately quite common for kids to resist a parent remarrying.  When I first got divorced, my son (then 13) stole our ketubah (Jewish wedding contract), and my ex-husband's ring.  He was planning on keeping them "for when you guys got back together." 

And the kids most definitely did not want me getting with anyone else.  With my first girlfriend after the divorce, it was World War III between her and my kids.  I finally had to break up with her, because she wasn't willing to try to win them over, and I couldn't stand World War III going on in my living room.

A few things to try:  You might ask them whether they are having trouble with the idea of your remarrying at all, or whether there is something specifically about your FI that bothers them.  If they can talk about exactly what is bothering them, that may help.

You may also want to try some family therapy.  That could help them in working through their feelings, and you in learning ways to deal with them.

Also, it is important not to force them into participating in the wedding if they don't want to.  They need to know that you understand how hard it is for them to accept your remarriage, even though that is not going to change your mind on whether to do it.

And, there is hope.  When NotFroofy first came here, my daughter was living half-time at my house and half-time at my ex's.  My daughter begged me not to have NotFroofy sleeping with me during the time she was there.  We compromised on NotFroofy sleeping in another room while my daughter was there for three months.  At the end of the three months, my daughter asked for an extension.  I told her no, that we had already waited quite long enough.  However, when I got remarried last year, my daughter was maid of honor and strongly supportive.

kimp67

My ds (18) still isn't over our divorce.  He wants nothing to do with any wedding planning, doesn't even like talking about it.  My FI & I live together & he lives with us every-other week.  He's happy here & FI & him get along, he just can't/refuses to deal with the "wedding".  I think mostly in his case is he feels like he's being disloyal to his dad, plus I think dad lays a guilt trip on him as well.  I don't know how old you are, or how old your kids are, but I finally got to the point where I decided I lived my life long enough for my ds, it's time to live it to make ME happy! My life is already 1/2 over, enough wasted time.  Hopefully he will come around as the day gets closer & hopefully your kids will too.  It's not easy, but stick to your guns & do what's going to make YOU happy.

Sue-n-Kevin

Wow, I could have written your post at any time up to a few months ago. The prior poster's advice is great.

This may be a long post, but hopefully you get some advice from it.

I have a 23 y/o son, who has never known his dad, so he's cool with this wedding and very happy for us.

I waited 8 years after asking my ex to leave before I started dating again. There had been a LOT of issues to overcome (he was not nice to my son who was 12 when he left, which is WHY he is gone, LOL, and our mutual daughter, 5 at the time,  struggled with daddy not living here any longer). After meeting my fiance through eharmony over 3 years ago, after a few dates, I asked my daughter if she'd be OK with me dating. She said "Sure". Fast forward a couple of years, we got engaged a year ago, but she STILL was not comfortable with my fiance spending the night here! He's the sweetest man, is always attentive to her when he's here, but I think in the end it was 1) immaturity on her part, 2) her "life" had not begun, having close friends of her own and 3) even though her father's been remarried for 5 years, she still thought we'd get back together.

During that difficult 2 year period, when we went on vacations together with her and his kids, when we were all together, she always had fun and enjoyed herself. I'd try to draw her out about it, and I think in the end her feelings were that he was replacing her in my life, since it was just her and I in this house (my son went away to grad school in DC).

It took a lot of talking. In all honesty I knew once her social life took off  (she's now 16) and her dependence on me as pretty much her ONLY friend was over, the spotlight would be off our relationship/wedding, and she'd have the appropriate perspective. She's now actively engaged in the wedding plans, she will be my maid of honor, and her relationship with my fiance is great.

I did not put my life or wedding plans on hold, which would have given her too much control over our lives. Instead, I used my motherly instincts, did a lot of talking with her in a non-judgmental way (her dad and I were NOT getting back together), and realized that over time these issues would be solved due to how her life would naturally progress from a social aspect.

None of this is easy...........I was sad, like you, about my daughter's feelings. But I NEVER allowed it to affect my plans. I went along ordering and buying things for my DIY projects for the wedding (they are taking over my house!), planning, etc. It's been a year since we secured the venue, and I took her and my Mom to see the venue, and the catering meetings.  

You don't say how old your children are, but the fact your daughter is married tells me they are older. They are your children, so presumably you know them better than anyone. Take some quiet time, analyze everything that happened between their dad's departure and meeting your fiance. Then TALK with them, not at them, about how they feel. Act as a sounding board, listen, then listen some more. In all the discussions there will probably be an "aha" moment for you that informs you of the problems. Then you can work it out.

Good luck. This is a great board, with lots of wisdome.

Lisa50

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad.  (((( HUGS )))) I can understand you may be wiped out ... assuming your children would be pumped to be a part of the wedding and it turns out they are not.  Is it just the wedding (the ceremony, all that pomp and circumstance) your kids are having a hard time with or the concept of marriage? 

All of the PPs share terrific words of wisdom, esp finding out if there is something specific about your FI that bothers them.  Kids can be especially sensitive and pick up on things we simply do not.  If they do not open up about something your FI may have said or done that upset them, it may just be that they need more time or ... whatever.

I do not think it is fair for us to expect our kids to be part of wedding planning or, even, the wedding party.  The best we can do is offer a role in the planning, festivities and/or the wedding party and leave it up to them. 

My FI definitely wanted my son to be part of the wedding party, as did I.  When I offered him a role in the wedding ceremony , I made it clear he could stand on either side -- as a groomsman for FI or as my best man -- or not participate as part of the wedding party at all  (I'd already asked him to play a violin duet as part of the ceremony).  He chose to stand as my best man.  It's going to be a blast ... very emotional and sentimental. 

christined1115

the kids are 27girl, 25,boy and 17 girl. thanks so much for responding to this I appreciate the advice.

RayValerie

My children are 31, 23 and 20 and not so happy...however,
My husband of 28 years passed away coming up to a year this NOvember...yes, not quite a year yet.
He was diagnosed with Leukemia last June and died 5 months later.  We looked it head on and he did what he had to do and I worked on doing what I had to do and that was to move on and hold on and to survive this life altering event in my life.
I have been a nurse for 30 years and understand death but had never lose anyone that I loved and cared for.
In the end I buried my best friend that day and was very sad.
I took 6 weeks off of work and took a 2 week trip to the Mediteranean and saw countries that I never dreamed that I would see.  It was the loneliest trip I had ever been on....by myself after a lifetime of sharing life with someone else.  Someone on the trip who knew that I had recently loss my spouse told me to meet her friend....she had lost her husband 5 years prior and was still grieving...I passed on that invite.  I knew I had grieving to do but it would not take me 5 years to get through.
By the first of the year and the visits from family and friends and my own children stopped as everyone else go back to their own lives I knew I had to take matters into my own now 50 year old hands...I celebrated my 50th bday at the Vatican alone just weeks after Tom's passing.

I started by first dabbling with online dating...what an experience that is as I am sure others know.

I was not dating for the fun of it, though fun it good, but there are some professional daters out there that you have to work your way through. It was a pretty miserable experience.  By the end of March I had gone on enough loser dates and was ready to resign to waiting for Mr. someone to come along...and alone he did come.

I was surfing through the sea of faces and one face caught my eye.....

We knew from our first date that we would be married and married we will be come January.  Ray knew where I was coming from and he was 2 years divorced after a 20 year marriage...one that they both fell out of love from, not a bad divorce...but a divorce.

My kids were livid!  I hold to the truth that they did not come to check on me nor did I want them to after the death...I was left to figure it out on my own...so I did.

Ray and I stood strong and honest to ourselves and have begun to build a wonderful life together with more hope and promise then I could ever could have imagined. 

My daughter, the 31 yo, who was my rock while Tom was sick became a spoiled brat over Ray.  She agreed to stand by me for the wedding but was not going to assist...not a problem, I can do it all myself and have.  We purchased her dress a couple of weeks ago and I told her she could pick whatever worked for her...it is beautiful-not to cause problems where they are not needed to be caused. My 5 and 3 yo gd's are also going to be flower girls.

My 20 yo son will be attending...he has agreed to put on a tux for me, he can bring a friend, he does not think he can give me away...again, I am a big girl and will present myself to my groom...again 50 and strong...bring it on.  This is my life and I want you in it, I do not direct their lives and would appreciate the same respect in return and have shared this with them.

They are both coming around and I think by January we will all be okay.

Ray and I wrote a story about our first date and how amazing it was so that those who were not seeing what we saw that first date can hear how it felt to be us.

Stand strong, stand true to yourself.  Children are selfish being and we have given our lives to them until now...and I continue to give to them through their questionable spoiled behavior...showing them that they still have me even though I have met someone else.  Someone that I can grow old with and enjoy life with just as they are and plan to do.

Good Luck!

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LindaN21

RayValerie, I love your story!!!  It brought tears to my eyes reading it!!  You go girl-you are a strong woman and you deserve happiness!!!   I just got married for the second time after being married for 23 yrs and going thru a divorce 3 yrs ago.  I went thru some of the same things you did but in a different way.  I was the one who wanted the divorce so my daughters took awhile to understand that.  They are now 23 and 20 yrs old.  After I met my fiancee (online) I also moved from the North Shore, where I had lived all my life to the South Shore and at first they were not happy with that.  But I agree that we need to take care of ourselves, we took care of them long enough, we will always be there for them, but we need to be happy now and grow old with someone we love.   My girls both stood up for me in the wedding and they were happy to do so.  I also walked down the aisle alone, a strong and confident statement!!  Congrats on you upcoming wedding!  To happiness!!!

4everblessed

Being an adult child with parents who are separated, I think there's a lot more info needed to give an informed reply.  My mom has stepped outside the bounds of marriage and if she were to get together with the other man, I would not be supportive.  If there is no 'other person' in either of your lives that has driven you and your ex apart, then it may have to do with your fiance or the nature of why you and your ex divorced.  It may also have to do with how long you have been divorced, been with the fiance or even the state of your ex (for example if he wants to be married to you again).  If your kids see your previous marriage as fixable they won't support you moving on.  If they think your fiance isn't good for you, they won't be supportive...It's not any easier for an adult child to handle their parents divorcing than for a younger child.  Best of luck.