What's expected or allowed

deidrababe

Hi all!

So, we finally set a date....and my mother is at least cracking a little about this and pretending to be happy and excited...but....I am getting this:

"Well, you certainly can't expect gifts!"

"You DON'T Expect people to TRAVEL for this thing!  They came to the first wedding!"

"You don't actually think you'll have a shower do you?"

I'm sure she has thrown other doozies my way, but I really don't know what I expect or what I think!  I just know I love Sean and we are getting married and I dont' give a crap about gifts or a shower or who comes - but clearly my mother doesn't think a second wedding counts or something?

Has anyone delt with this?

mehgank

What your mother needs to understand is that while this may be your second wedding, it is the first time you're marrying Sean, and why should that be any less special, right?

And if she has a problem with it, then that's exactly what is is: HER problem. You're celebrating your love for your fiance in the most romantic of ways, so you should be happy on your wedding day. If she wears a sour-puss that day, then so be it. You'll be smiling.

right1thistime

We have ALL dealt with this.

Learn and practice the icy stare of death.  When she says something so ridiculous, just USE IT.  If you must say something (and its better if you don't) make it simple, "Why would you say something so hurtful and disrespectful?", then walk away. 

Mothers can be the people who breach all social rules, and say things like, "do you like your new haircut? because I think it makes your face look fat."  and "I hope you didn't pay too much for that outfit, because it makes you look like a skunk in heat."  They don't mean to be hurtful, but they get into patterns that started when you were 5, "don't take Susie's doll, that's selfish" and 13, "when you wear a skirt that short and tight you look like a prostitute".  They just sometimes don't know enough to stop when you grow up. 

Finally, trends change.  What Emily Post first wrote in the last century may have evolved (although some will argue that it has not or that the evolution is not for the better.)  And some of the people who love us have not had reason to  pay attention to those changing trends, so they just quote what they learned years ago.  IF you think she is speaking to you with love, then let it blow by.  IF you think she is being mean, decide how much you will share with her.  ~Donna

pamila51510

You can do whatever you want to! If someone wants to throw you a shower than embrace it. If you want to wear white wear it. I would limit what I said to my mother if she was this negative. If she then pouts because you are not sharing with her then explain why.

Or explain to her That this is a happy time in your life and you cannot understand why she would be so negative to you. I would have to make the comment about if you have nothing nice to say then you need to say nothing at all. I love you mom and I want your support but if all you can give me is negativity then I don't need it.

Good Luck and plan this day the way you and Sean want to celebrate it and hopefully she will come around.

thealphabride

Hey Deeds,
I have a slightly different take on this. First of all at least you two are talking about the wedding and that's a good thing.

I'm getting the strong impression that your mom may be embarrased by your being divorced and getting remarried, because she doesn't understand or even know that a new etiquette exists for second marriages. Women don't slink off in shame to the JOP to get married for a second time. She probably doesn't have a clue that there are many of us out there having big celebrations for the second and maybe third time around. We are from all walks of life, and all have had unique circumstances in our lives that led us to divorce. AND Thank God we are lucky enough to have found someone that is our prince and how honored we are to be his wife, and want to celebrate accordingly. Second timers also are often very careful and mindful of the decision to marry again for obvious reasons.

I don't know if there's a book out but I believe in the "ask Carley" section of the knot she has some questions and answers about second weddings, and you could print out some of these for your mom to read. It may make her feel better about the whole thing and you two can get together on planning.

Best of luck to you!

Sue-n-Kevin

Hi Deidra. Welcome.

When I read these posts about critical moms, I thank GOD I got the one I did. I've done everything the "wrong" way: have 2 children I'm raising and I have never been married. I'm marrying a man who's been married twice before. I am probably, from a social & moral aspect, every mom's worst nightmare. However, I have raised these kids to be good & honest people, one had a full scholastic scholarship to college and is now in grad school, own a home I maintain, and work full time at a job I love. My parents are proud of what I've accomplished, and are happy for me.

Whatever you want to do is fine. The prior posters are all accurate in their assessments. It is your time to glow, be happy, and you have to find a way to deal with your mom that will not ruin your relationship with her. I was raised to "take the high road". Both my kids watched "Bambi", and Thumper's mom teaches him "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" (as someone above says). It's a good time to remind your mom of that with a heart to heart.

We are not having a shower because we have too much "stuff" as it is, trying to fit two households into one. Even if someone offered, I'd probably decline, but whatever you want to do is fine. If you both need stuff, then go for it.

Do what you want. Try to keep a positive relationship with your Mom. But make it clear to her that her words are hurtful, and you are planning a wedding, inviting whom you wish, and if they don't come, it is fine with you.

Good luck.

handfast4me

I'm not sure I'd take Carly as an authority or expert as pp suggested.; I disagree with a lot of what she has to say--mostly around family vows, etc.  Further, the knot had a page (not sure if it's still there, I haven't looked) with a lot of misinformation for "Irish brides."

However, you will need to perhaps show your mom, who may have some ideas of things that were/were not done in the past for second weddings, that things have changed. It sounds to me like she's only talking about the wedding to you with judgement, but maybe you just haven't had a chance to share the good things she's said. 

Your good friends may want to throw you a shower, if you feel comfortable with it, do it.  If you want to wear white, do it.  It's up to you and your fi.

Anyway, Right1 is correct. Perfect the icy stare of death.  And get ready to say things that you've probably never had to say before. When my sister said to me (and keep in mind, this is the sister who had been married twice) "You're not going to wear WHITE, ARE YOU?"  I paused did the icy stare of death and then said "wow, that was not nice.  I'm sure you didn't mean that the same way it sounded."  And she backpedaled pretty quickly. 

Best wishes, it's going to be fine. 

deidrababe

WOW!  You girls are awesome!  I love the whole Icy Stare of Death idea.

Funny thing, I'm pretty blunt and straight forwards with everything and everyone in my life, but this whole wedding BS is making me nuts.  I know that in the past when anyone I knew was planning their wedding I gave them one Key phrase for them to use and that was "F#*% You, It's my wedding!"  I remember the first time around everyone telling me what I should and should not do and that was all I would say to people and then smile.

this time around, I feel so......I don't know....almost guilty for wanting to have a wedding and invite people "AGAIN". 

I love the note about it being my FIRST wedding to Sean!  I'll have to remember that line to.

I think I'll check out the ask Carley section and see if there is anything pertaining to the rules and regulations around Wedding # 2.

Hugs

thealphabride

If you google second weddings you can find a lot of info too.
Best of luck deeds!