Need Advice

TheShelley

So, not only is this my second wedding, but it is also the second time my FI and I are trying to get married.  We were engaged for October 2011, but for lots of reasons that didn't happen and we cancelled a month before.  So when we were planning before we were going to have a bigger event--more people, reception hall, bridal party, etc...  We are now having a smaller guest list and getting married in a private room of a restaurant.  (back story)

So I have this friend.  She was going to be in my party before, helping me, etc..  But now is confused about what her role is.  While I appreciate her help and interest, I am having a hard time "convincing" her that we are really just getting married in front of a fireplace and sitting down and having dinner.  She wants to throw a shower for me, which is really sweet, but I'm trying to tell her that I am really only inviting 5-10 of our mutual (female) friends (also, my family is very anti- showers for second marriages, second babies, etc... and not in the area).

I mean, I've tried to tell her that this is a much different deal, but I'm not sure I'm really getting the message through.  I also know she doesn't have the time or the money to be worrying about me and my wedding plans.  I feel like by trying to be nice, I'm not effectively "letting her off the hook".  Can someone help?  Thanks!

right1thistime

So I think your friend REALLY wants to do something for you.  Why not propose an alternate type of event that she can host? 
"Susie, dear, you are the sweetest thing ever to consider hosting a shower.  Do you know what I would really love for us to do?  I would love for you, me and friend x and friend y and SIL Q to all go to that adorable little spa at the country club, get facials and then have a decadent lunch with champagne & dessert one Sunday in February or March."  or "Susie, you are the best friend a girl could have.  Instead of a fussy shower with favors & frilly decorations, could we have an awesome movie and nachos night at your house (or YOUR house) without the boys?  We could watch chick flicks, drink beer and giggle.  That really appeals to me."  or "Susie, I know you are as busy as can be with the new job & the teenagers' schedule.  Instead of a big to-do, let's you & me steal an afternoon & go to that new restaurant for cocktails & appetizers.  More than anything I want to spend time with just YOU."  ~Donna

MikesAngie

As usual Donna has some great advice. 

Your friend may feel that you since you have scaled back on the wedding and it's size that you may not be getting everything you wanted.  So she may want to do something to help you feel more like a bride.  When a dear friend got married for a second time she didn't want a shower or anything like that, I was in her wedding party, and I wanted to do something.  What I did was I met up with her at a restuarant of her choosing and we had cocktails and dinner.

It was simple and nice, and I had offered for the other ladies to be there but she declined.

nraymond1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:60083fd3-b7bf-4b8c-b4cd-9d48c0c94bb2Post:2454d70b-1b9a-4650-94b2-26a1140e81a0">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE] I would love for you, me and friend x and friend y and SIL Q to all go to that adorable little spa at the country club, get facials and then have a decadent lunch with champagne & dessert one Sunday in February or March." 
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

<div>This! I think that's genius, right1! I was thinking it also might bring it home for her if you asked her over to help with invites or something. When she sees there's only 10, maybe that'd help her get the idea. But if she wanted to do a shower (or some other event) for you with people in the area who aren't opposed, that could be fun. No reason you can't just because your family doesn't like it!</div>

TheShelley

I tried to tell her there wouldn't be many people to invite with the wedding being so small.

I feel like...  she doesn't "buy" that we are really doing a different (downgraded?) event.  We talked about her doing more last time (dress, party, etc...)  and that if I'm not asking it of her this time that she doesn't understand why?  I don't know, I have tried to explain, I just must be doing it poorly.  She seems upset by the fact that we probably aren't having a wedding party, so she won't be "in it".