I feel like it's ruined for me

MAMA41206

This is my first wedding, but my FI is divorced.  He keeps asking me how I pictured my wedding day... big/small, beach/ballroom, formal/informal, etc. etc.  Honestly, I never really pictured the specifics, but the one thing I did picture is that I would be marrying someone who never did it before.

I told him I don't want a big wedding because I hate being the center of attention (which is true), but also, I can't see myself doing all the traditions with him knowing that he did it before.  I am paranoid that at every moment I'm gonna feel like crap knowing he's not doing and feeling these things for the first time.

I don't want a bouquet or a first dance or to cut the cake or any of that because he already did it before and it makes me feel stupid.  I feel like it's all ruined for me.  And I know that's not his fault, we didn't know each other before and obviously he made a mistake the first time around.  It just puts me in a very sad place, where I don't even want to plan a wedding because I get upset when I think about certain moments or aspects.

I know that people have 2nd and 3rd weddings all the time, how do they do it???  He keeps telling me he will do whatever I want because he doesn't want me to feel cheated or have any regrets.  I just can't justify spending the money if I'm know I'm not going to be completely happy.

My dream wedding = me marrying someone, and putting a ring on his finger, and kissing him, and having a first dance, and cutting the cake WITH a man who is all doing it for the first time with me only! 

Am I being selfish??

geordieboysgirl

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do think there is something else going on here. Why is it so important to you that you be the first? It will be the first time with you and, God willing, the last time for both of you. Honestly, it sounds to me like you have some other underlying issue.

CCH

right1thistime

Nope, not selfish, but the red flags are waving big time.  You have every right to decide that the man you marry will be experiencing the events of the wedding for the first time.  But, of course, that means that you won't marry the man you are currently engaged to.  I have heard plenty of women say that they will not consider a divorced man to date/ marry.  Fine.  Don't date them, don't get serious with them, and don't get engaged to them, if that is one of your important criteria. 

It sounds to me like the wedding is more important to you than the marriage or the husband.  If I am reading you wrong, that's fine- just know that's how this comes across. 

If your fiance is really wonderful, and you know this is the right person for you, you need to come to terms with being his second wife.  If you are going to be resentful and regretful because your dream is ruined-- how will that affect your marriage?   Do you two plan on pre-marital counseling?  If you haven't considered it, you might want to.  The tone of what you have written has "I have issues with this" written all over it. 

For DH and I, who have both been married & divorced, there was great peace at being able to say that yes, the other person loved someone else before.  Yes, they had happy times together as a couple.  and Yes, the love and the marriage died.  Its awfully hard to pretend that a significant part of your life didn't actually happen. ~Donna

lysandramarie

This is tough but PP's are right - there's some other issue here besides the fact that he's done these specific acts before with someone else.  I was married before and FI was engaged.  We both made commitments of some sort to another person but those relationships weren't right and now they're over.

I also think you need to get him to talk about how he pictures his wedding with you.  Not just saying he'll do whatever you want.  It really should be an expression of your personalities and your love for each other.  If it is, the day will be all about the two of you and whatever you've done in the past won't matter.

Sloane99

Presumably you've dated other people, gone for dinner with them, danced with them, watched movies, taken trips, shared a first kiss and a first time with them, perhaps even wearing the same clothes or in the same locations that you've done these things with your FI, right? Is it any less special because you've done them before or is it a different experience because it's with you and him?

I was married before, and FI was engaged before. Sometime previously he asked someone else to marry him and somewhere in the past I said I do to someone else but that doesn't make our feelings and experiences with this marriage/engagement any less meaningful, in fact, I feel like it's more, I feel like because of those experiences we are so much better now. In fact, I don't think either of us has really talked about how this is different or the same, it's our relationship, not an exercise in comparing and contrasting.

I agree with the previous posters, there may be something underlying your insecurities here. Is he constantly bringing up "the first time" or comparing? Perhaps he's looking for a way to talk to you about things. If he's not bringing it up, then you need to stop doing it to your self....this isn't healthy or happy

Marrin713

If you are already feeling this way about the wedding, then there's going to be a rude awakening with the marriage.  There's lots of "firsts" that your fiance has experienced with another woman - will you be upset like this by all of them?

I get the part of wanting him to experience everything for the first time with you as far as the wedding is concerned, but I get the sense it's not going to stop there. 

scotialee

I'm kind of in the same situation, but I'm really excited to marry my FI. He wants me to do what I want, but every once in awhile he says something that he definitely DOESN'T want because they were memorable parts of his first marriage (doesn't want purple as our color, doesn't want his dad as best man, doesn't want a unity candle) 

I never even considered being upset/jealous about the other traditional things. Make it your own, and although I know it hurts to hear about his other marriage, sometimes it's good input for planning not to do things the same way he did them the first time...

It also helped to hear from his aunt who has been remarried that she still got butterflies in her stomach and it was still unforgettable and overwhelming and all of those things the second time around. A marriage and a wedding aren't about silly little traditions, they're about the person you want to share your life with and making new traditions together.

NJ Jen

I'll admit it. Sometimes I feel irrationally jealous that there was someone before me for my fiance. But that's ridiculous. I was also married before. 

I am sometimes embarrassed at doing all the wedding things again as we have both done them before, but we've discussed that elsewhere on this board. What you are describing either shows that same discomfort at your fiance making those promises publicly that he made before, or a real concern about marrying someone who's been divorced. I think you owe it to yourself and to him to consider which it is.

What kind of premarital preparation have you done? What discussions have you had about why his marriage ended? What did he do to heal after his marriage ended, to explore his role in the death of his marriage?

right1thistime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_feel-like-its-ruined?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6289efd7-e462-4f44-89c7-957eb7efede9Post:638de2c2-6b6d-4ab3-9e86-c600aaa2fb0d">I feel like it's ruined for me</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't want a bouquet or a first dance or to cut the cake or any of that because he already did it before and it makes me feel stupid.  I feel like it's all ruined for me.   My dream wedding = me marrying someone, and putting a ring on his finger, and kissing him, and having a first dance, and cutting the cake WITH a man who is all doing it for the first time with me only!  Am I being selfish??
Posted by MAMA41206[/QUOTE]

In re-reading your post, I have picked up on two parts that are of particular importance.  The first says you <em>don't want</em> all these things.  But I think you actually DO want these things, but are being martyr-like and saying you won't have them since he has experienced them before.  Understand that he will be seeing YOU carrying a beautiful and assuredly different bouquet, that he will be dancing with YOU to an assuredly different song, in a different venue, with different guests and with a different mood.  And he will be cutting a different cake and sharing it with YOU.  Why would ANY of that make YOU feel stupid??

The second part is the part that I focused on in my previous answer. That's where I see all the red flags.  ~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin

I agree with what everyone has said so eloquently.

HE says it doesn't matter. THAT is what matters. You need to talk these feelings you have through with HIM and come to an understanding between the two of you.

I've never been married, my fiance has been married TWICE before. How do I accept that? Because we never met more than 30 years ago when he met his first wife. It wasn't possible, our paths did not cross. They did not cross until we met, pure and simple. I know how his first two marriages ended, and I know we bring tons of knowledge of ourselves to this marriage we are planning.

Have you had sex with your fiance? Have you had sex with others before him? It doesn't belittle the experience you are having NOW with him, so why should a wedding ceremony and reception that lasts a total of what, 8 hours, matter? Plan to do with him what you are comfortable with, and forget the rest.

I also think there is more going on here, and you need to come to terms with it. Think it through and discuss this with him.

Good luck.

MAMA41206

We have talked about his previous marriage, about 6 months into our relationship we discussed it in detail so everything was out in the open and there were no questions.  They got married because there was an unplanned pregnancy.  After 3 years she was cheating on him, he found out.  He told her it was his fault becuase they were so busy with work they weren't spending enough time together. So he dedicated the next few months to spending time with her.  He went away for a trip for his 30th birthday with a few friends.  While he was gone, she dropped their son off with my FI's brother, and spent the entire time with the other man.  When he came back, she told him that the other man was her soul mate and she was moving in with him.  Obviously he was devastated.  Not because he was truly in love, but because he had put so much time, effort, and money into making it work and she had not.  He lost a lot of money, he was embarassed, and he was pissed at her for putting their son in the situation. 

I feel that the main reason things did not work out is that they really were not meant to be together.  They were trying to do the right things for their son, but I don't think they were meant to be together.

I know that he and I have a special relationship, and I know it's different, and I feel happy knowing that he wants to marry me because he loves me (not because I'm pregnant).  I don't have any jealousy issues with his ex wife, we see each other and talk about their son.  I don't think she's a great person (for obvious reasons), but there is no discomfort or jealousy.  We have been living together for a year and we have been talking about getting married since November.  Now since it's time to make all the decisions about the wedding i'm really thinking about it and having these feelings.


My biggest issue is just that I am paranoid.  I am afraid that I'm going to spend all this money and I'm going to not be completely happy on that day.  I'm afraid that if I did the first dance, there would be that thought in the back of my head that this isn't his first time.  And I just don't want to feel that way.  I don't have any problems being with someone who is divorced or has a kid, and I'm not worried about any of the other "firsts" because our relationship is so different.  It is just the expectations and traditions of a wedding that make me feel this way.  Does that make sense???

MAMA41206

I love him and there is no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together.  I am willing to give up the happiness of one day for the happiness that I know I will have for the rest of my life with him. 

I just don't know if I should have a wedding or not.  Part of me doesn't really care at all, I'm just happy to have him.  The other part of me is afraid I will feel cheated 2, 5, 10 years down the road. 

Marrin713

Seriously, I don't think you should have a marriage period at least not until you work thru these issues.  Sorry to be blunt about this - but as another poster(s) pointed out - there are red flags all over your posts.  You write that it's just about the one day but in your post above you admit to being worried and feeling cheated 2, 5, 10 years down the road.  That says to me anyway that it's not about the wedding itself - that's just the catalyst.

JenJune3

It will be the first time he does those things with YOU and obviously he will feel differently doing those things with you but in a good way... his first marriage didn't last! My FI and I have both been married previously but we are still having a wedding on the beach, coming back and having a reception with the cake and the dancing and everything... because it's the first time I'm marrying him so it's important that we share those things. Trust me though, I understand how it can be upsetting to think about him doing those things with another woman, I mean, I live in the house that FI lived with his ex wife and that was hard for me at first, but I now understand that we are now making our own memories in that house! Good luck, I hope that you get comfortable and enjoy YOUR day with the man you are marrying!

MAMA41206

JenJune- Thanks for being understanding. 

Marrin713

I am rereading your next to last post and I think I may have misunderstood.  When you say you might feel cheated 2, 5, 10 years down the road - are you speaking of feeling cheated re your wedding day?  I read it as through the years you will always feel cheated by the fact that you are not his first in many things.

If this is weighing on you so much, why not just elope?  You mentioned that he'll do whatever you want to do.  But please do try to work through these feelings you are having because I really believe that the wedding is just a catalyst.

MAMA41206

I am worried if I don't have a wedding I will regret it. Maybe not today, but 5 or 10 years down the road.  We discussed eloping, but I am the only daughter for my parents.  Also, I feel that with his son, I want him to be involved because I'm becoming a big part of his life too.

I try to talk to my family and friends about doing a non-traditional wedding, just a laid back celebration, but they don't seem to understand.

JenJune3

I have a very good friend who married a man who was previously married. They were married in Spetember of last year. She did everything that she had always wanted and dreamed of her wedding including!

thabatarv

You're not being selfish, I thought the same thing so I gave up the marriage. Puts me in a ridiculous role. Because he did not feel all that emotion to see me enter the church as this has happened to him. I also feel like crap.

nyrek

Wow...why the hell did you even say "Yes" if this is how you felt?

This is a really personal question...and I'm asking more for you to ponder...not because I actually want you to respond to this:  Are you a virgin?  (If so...never mind, my point isn't valid.) 

However, if you are not...look at it from that standpoint: You've been with someone else before, but it doesn't take away from the intimacy you have with your man now...regardless of whether you or he has been with someone else.  That intimacy is a common bond that you two now share solely.  The wedding and marriage is no different.

Agree with pp: Get some counseling.

pamila51510

Ok you need some counseling! You need to do what you want its your wedding and it is the first time he is going to see you the first time he cuts a cake with you I think you are looking at this wrong. You should look at your wedding as a begining a joyous start him seeing you walk down the aisle as the begining of your future. Doing the things that are part of a reception as sharing your joy and love for each other as a great start to your begining. The woman he was married to is the past and you have to let his past go and embrace your future. I feel sad for you because I feel no joy in you. Why did you say I have to say I feel sorry for your Future husband that you should be finding joy in and all you are doing is finding fault. If he hadn't met and been with this woman he may have never come to find you. I bless the broken rode that lead me and my fiance together. (yes a country song) Come on lady if you love this man then you need to let go and embrace your future. The future is what you make it and make it yours! Embrace being a bride and starting a future with a man you love!

jme35

PP's have said pretty much everything, but perhaps a little different perspective :

My FI is also previously married, with a child.  He's made some specific requests so that there aren't similarities between his first wedding, and ours. (apparently, the ex was a huge 'Dirty Dancing' (the movie) fan - that's not hard to avoid for me!)

Anyway - whether it was something I wanted to do or not, I'm happy that he brought this forth, so that everything we do is solely for and about us, our families, and our friends.  We did everything from write our wedding ceremony, invites, fun reception things ... and its very personal to us. 

Maybe if you can look at it that way, and have a very frank conversation with your FI that would allow you to craft your day around new things that will be solely for the two of you, in your mind you can shift the focus from his previous marriage.  it can also help you remember all the wonderful things from YOUR relationship, and why you fell in love with him in the first place. 

CandyGirlSparks

I uinderstand exactly how you feel. I've been married before, and my fiance's been married before...twice. It's not the wedding stuff that bothered me though, it's certain things he did with his second wife. For a long time I dreamed of becoming a fashion designer with my own line...which is something his second wife did successfully with his help. He was very involved wtih this, down to helping with the fashion shows and writing the music for them. He was willing to help me do the same, but I just couldn't get past feeling cheated, that it should have been ME to start with, and that she had "stolen" what should have been mine. For a long time I couldn't get past it. I felt strongly that I didn't want to do any of it with him since he had already been through it.

I finally stopped feeling that way. I admit that I was jealous of her success, although her designs are butt-ugly (Ithat is my honest opinion), she ruined her business and everyone hates her.

Unfortunately I don't know why I stopped feeling that way. I think maybe it's because I talked to my fiance very openly and honestly about my feelings many times, and eventually got it out of my system. Also, in talking to him about my feelings, it turned out that I'd made lots of assumptions about many things, and they turned out to be completely off base. What you imagine in your head is almost always a lot worse than reality. I finally came to realize that although she and I do have a lot in common, I'm a very different person  than she is, with completely different style. But up until-well, last month actually-I was acutely aware of the similarities between her and me. I couldn't STAND the thought that anyone was comparing us. And if she'd done ANYTHING that I wanted to do, particularly with MY fiance, I didn't want to do it anymore. But you know what? Regardless of whether or not my fiance's done certain things before, I shouldn't cheat myself out of certain things. That's not fair to me. Please don't cheat yourself...you WILL regret it.

I think the key to getting past this is in your own words...he married his first wife because she was pregnant. Think about it...do you think that was the way he pictured HIS wedding day? Yes, he did do all the "requisite" wedding stuff before, but do you really think it was that meaningful to him? He asked YOU to marry him out of love...that means he WANTS this with you, he's not doing it cause he has to.
I've come across other brides with this problem before. I wish I knew of a way for you to get over it, but there's no cut and dried way. I'm the type of person who would probably feel the same way, in your shoes. It doesn't help to hear "Well he didn't do this with YOU before." (No offense to previous posters who have said this...it's just hard to convince yourself that his doing all this "with YOU" is special when he's been through it before.) I DO highly recommend that you talk to your finace about it and find out exactly what his thoughts and feelings are about his past. I think it will probably help you see things differently. Don't just assume that his previous wedding was anything special to him.

If you don't want to wait to get over this, here's my thoughts: I suggest you think long and hard and be honest wtih yourself: what do you REALLY want for your wedding? Maybe you really don't want everything traditional. If you DO, think about it this way: this is not about what he did before. This is about yours and his first dance as man and wife, about you and him cutting YOUR cake, the cake that was made for his wedding to YOU. But most of all, make this about you and him, and do it the way you really want it. I hope that makes sense...sorry for the rambling. I sincerely wish you the best with all of this, and hope you can make your day happy for both of you.

MAMA41206

CandyGirl, thanks so much for all your advice.  I am glad you understand how I feel.  And you're right, it doesn't make me feel better to hear "its the first time with YOU."  This isn't about our relationship or our marriage or his past or our future.  It's just about that one day.

I am not a virgin.  But I also did NOT think I was only going to have sex with one person in my lifetime.  I DID think that I would only marry one person and that we would have a wedding that was first for both of us.  My FI and I will be doing a lot of talking this weekend. 

I don't think that my feelings are unreasonable and I definitley don't think I need to go to counseling because I am saddened by the fact that I'm not the first girl to walk down the aisle to him.  I think these are very valid feelings.

jme35

I don't think that your feelings aren't valid ... I think the counseling can help you talk through your issues and deal with those feelings.  I don't think that anyone here wants to see you feel badly at all, let alone about what should be a wonderful day for you and your fiancee. 

maybe984

I agree whole-heartedly with the majority of the previous posters.

You (and your FI) need some counseling ASAP. I can understand what you're feeling to a certain extent, but the way you talk about it makes it very clear that you have some serious relationship issues to work out. At times, it really doesn't even sound like you want to marry him at all... and that's not a healthy way to start a marriage.

I can understand being a little bugged by it all, but letting it eat away at you to the point that you say things like "it's ruined for me" isn't exactly healthy. Talk to someone about it... and I don't mean an internet message board.

Fystybride

The thought of my guy having sex with his disgusting beast of an ex-wife turns my stomach....but I have to let that go.  According to all accounts, they had an awful relationship (and not all that much sex anyway) and so I could let those images poison my mind and disturb our AMAZING sex life, or I can just put it behind me and enjoy the life I have with him that she NEVER did.  She didn't give him the happiness that I do- not in any way shape or form.  I don't mean to make it sound like the sex part is so important, it's just that of all things that was the hardest for me to overcome.  Love your guy and love what you have- and if ever you feel the ghost of "her" looking over your shoulder, just think to yourself ha ha, look at what we have and how much HAPPIER he is to be away from that situation!  (At least this is what works for me....lol)

2dBride

I can't see myself doing all the traditions with him knowing that he did it before.

I can understand the fear, but he really didn't do it before.  Before, he performed the same actions with someone he really didn't love, out of duty because he thought he owed it to her.  Each one of them would have been a reminder to him that he was never going to have a chance to be with someone he really loved, due to the mistake of having gotten her pregnant.  This time, he is doing them freely and joyfully with someone he loves.

Just as an example, take the first dance.  You feel like the first dance will be meaningless because he had a first dance before.  But anyone you married would likely have danced before, so merely having performed the same actions before would not make this dance meaningless.  What is special about a first dance is that it is a celebration of a new marriage with someone you love.  And he's never had that kind of dance before.

From everything you say, he has already proved himself to be capable of being an excellent husband.  When he accidentally got his ex pregnant, he did not run out on her as so many do.  When she started cheating on him, he took partial responsibility and worked to improve things.  He did not give up on the marriage until she told him that someone else was her soulmate, and that she was moving out.  This is a guy who is capable of deep commitment, but who has never had a partner who shared that commitment.  It seems to me that the cake-cutting, etc. will be especially meaningful, because they symbolize the fact that a guy who thought he had given up his chance for love in order to do his duty now has a chance for love after all.

Marrin713

My thoughts are that these feelings of "he did this with someone else first" are going to keep popping up in your relationship with him.  It's not going to stop once you make your peace with the wedding prep and the event itself.  Will it stop you from having a baby because he's had one with someone else?  Or buying a house?

You really need to examine the WHY of these feelings.  They seem to be indicative of something more. 

No one is intimating that you and he aren't in love; I'm sure you are.  But as another poster pointed out - there seems to be no joy in you during the process.  And that's too bad because this is such an exciting time.  I wish you peace in this.

LesPaul

Agree w/ pps that there is more going on here.  I, too, started with the comparison thing and it was making me crazy.  His ex's presence will be a cloud over you forever - IF YOU LET IT.  You have to move beyond this and accept that yes, he had a previous relationship, but it is over and he has CHOSEN to be with you from now on.  Believe him when he says he loves you and you only.  I honestly do not believe that my DH thought of his ex at all the day of our wedding.  I know I didn't - we were too happy; focused on the people who had gathered to honor our union and our future together.  Please let it go and concentrate on what is best for you and FI as you begin your lives together.  Obsessing over his ex and all of the 'he's done this before' will destroy you.

thealphabride

Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry you cannot move past the fact that he has had a wedding before and done all these things before, but he did it for totally different reasons.

 I would hang on to the fact that this is true love and that is why he is willing to have the wedding you wish to have, sounds to me like he is a real prince.

Just curious, wouldn't you feel bad cheating him out of the wedding he deserves? 
It is a celebration for both of you, not just you.  I'm sure that even though he had a previous wedding, it is the first time it is totally RIGHT for him!!!

I think the reason the second brides think you have underlying issues is that many of us have been here a whlie and this is not an issue that comes up here.

I wish you all the best of luck and I hope you can move past this.

Hang on to the fact that this is HIS FIRST AND TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN EVERY WAY WEDDING/MARRIAGE WITH YOU. AND TRY TO LET THE OTHER CRAP GO.

Just because he did it before in NO WAY MINIMIZES the importance of his wedding/marriage to you. 

If you cannot let it go then GET HELP, because you probably should work out these issues before you marry this wonderful man.

Best of luck, keep us posted.