XP: TP needed

jjolovich

Fi and I had a really tough talk yesterday. And we have come to the conclusion that we wont have any more kids... he has two, and I have one. And it has been really hard to accept that I wont get to experience that myricle again. We came to this conclusion, because in 2 years he will be turning 40(we have about a 16 year age gap), and he feels that his patience with young childeren is shortening and hates getting so upset with my daughter(she is 1).

It breaks my heart, I have a feeling it will take some time to heal because in the beginning we were hoping for at least one more of our own, but he feels that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He feels horrible for letting me down, but I know over time everything will be ok.

Thanks for reading.

Sue-n-Kevin

Sorry to hear this saddens you. Part of me totally understands the sadness, but part of me also understands what your fiance is feeling.

I had my children at 31 years of age and 39 years of age. I was able to handle it because I was pretty young-feeling for my age, but also because my daughter's dad (second child) was 7 years younger than I was. He had a ton of energy, and has been a fabulous dad to her in spite of the fact we ended our relationship when she was 5.

I didn't marry until last August, when my hubby and I were in our mid-50's. This is the age when our kids are having kids..........he has 3 children, 2 of which have children, and  my two kids are not having kids yet (especially my 17 y/o daughter!).

In spite of the fact I love my children and would do anything for them, I will be 57 in May. My daughter is graduating from HS in June. I am sure I am one of the oldest parents amongst all her friends. So, while I was able to do it, with a younger partner (like you and your fiance), I do understand the feelings about not wanting to "go through all that again".

There is a reason Mother Nature turns off the plumbing at a certain point; namely, the ability to be the kind of parent you WANT to be for your children. There are also the other issues we deal with when we are in our 40's and 50's, namely aging parents and the demands on us to watch out for them in addition to our kids. I am an only child, and it takes it's toll, believe me.

For what it's worth, my hubby and I look at each other and think : "Wouldn't it have been fun if we'd met earlier in life, or were still able to have kids.....we would have had such cute kids". Then we laugh: we know totally that what was meant to be happened, and for us this was the way it happened. We can borrow the grandkids when we want and give them back as we work full time jobs and try to plan for our retirement, while we deal with our parent's issues.

Only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you and your fiance. But please don't think you can change his mind because it sounds as though you had a very serious sit down and you both understand how the other feels.

Good luck.

Lisa50

Here's my thought ... your fiance is telling you something very, very important.  Listen to him.  If you are quoting him, that he "hates getting so upset with my daughter(she is 1)," you need to really think about the words and the feelings behind it.

My father was 40 when I was born. My ex-husband was 39 when our son was born.  Everyone is different, but 39/40 isn't usually an age at which men lose patience with kids.  *Please don't flame me.  I know there isn't one type of man.*  Listen to what he has to say.  Closely!

jjolovich

I did listen, and I am not going to try and change his mind by any means. I do understand where he is coming from. And I understand his frustration. Thanks for the advice ladies

squarepeg72

HUGS! I understand your feelings completely as well as his. FH & I will bothe turn 40 before the end of the year. I have three from my first marriage but he has never been married and has no biological children. We have struggled with the question of having a baby that is "ours" both there a couple of complecating factors. I had my tubes tied after my last child was born (I was 30, had three children and was "done" having children). I would either have to have reversal surgury or we would have to do IVF to have a child. FH has asthma and has had several scares with his lungs in the last couple of years and he worries about passing those issue on to a child. The thing that sealed the deal for us was keeping his then 10 month old niece for an entire weekend. We were both so tired by the time we took her home, we knew that doing it all the time with 2 other children would be more than either of us could handle.

He loves my three like his own (they are 19, 13 & 8) and treats them like they are his own. I am looking forward to having grandchildren (eventually) and finishing raising the two we have at home.

Listen to what your FH is telling you. Remember ... Grandchildren are our reward for letting our children survive their childhood

rhondaer

I am sorry you are having a tough time.  I hope the following helps you in some way.

After an amicable divorce, I was a single mom with a 16 year old.  I was lucky enough to start dating the most wonderful man ever.  He too had a child (5 years old at the time) and had gone back and forth about having another.  It was ME that was done having children.

Fast forward to last year... my ex-husband had a sudden heart attack at 58 and passed. When it was discovered that my former spouse had no arrangement insurance, my husband paid about a third of my former's burial costs.  Why did he do it?  For OUR daughter.

Adopted families, foster families, and blended families may not have genetics that tie them together, but it doesn't make them any less of a family.