Second Weddings

Newbie intro and question

Hi Ladies,
I've been lurking for a few weeks and finally decided to post.  Here's a little back story...

Just got engaged 1 month ago, super excited!! This is second time around for both of us.  I have no kiddos, Fi has a 3yo whom I absolutely adore! We both have a pretty decent relationship with his ex.  Her and I speak directly,  mostly about SS and recently we we all celebrated SS birthday with both families. So over all thank God we all are mature about things!

So here's my question...since SS is so young he doesn't really understand the concept of us getting engaged.  Fi and I have been together since SS was around 6 months old so the life he knows now is the only way he's ever known it.  I think we should tell his ex but I'm not sure how or when the right time is.  I don't want to just pick up the phone and tell her, I'm worried it'd seem like I'm rubbing it in or something.  We also haven't set a date but are working towards setting one.  I'd love to hear your opinions/advice.

Thanks and hopefully I'll be posting more once we start the planning process!

Re: Newbie intro and question

  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Why would it seem like rubbing it in?  Was it your FI who facilitated the divorce?  At any rate, you do need to tell her since there's a child involved.  You've been together for what......about 2-1/2 years?  I'd say it's not going to be a huge surprise to xW.  Congratulations BTW!
  • greeneyedJgreeneyedJ member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't know that "rubbing it in" would have been thr proper way to describe my concern.  I guess it's more about not really knowing how to do it.  Do we do it now without really having a date set, do we wait, etc... Maybe I'm over thinking it, I just want to do the right thing.
  • edited December 2011
    First of all, you are not rubbing anything in and it is really FI's place to tell his ex what is going on.

    Second of all, my daughter just turned 4 and she is ultra excited for the wedding and does understand what is happening.  She understands that FI will then be her stepdad. She understands that while she doesn't call his children sister/brother now, after the wedding they will be sister/brother.  Also, she understands that last names will change.  3 is young, but it isn't like an infant.  I think you will be surprised at what your future SS will understand! 
  • AdelphiTNAdelphiTN member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think yes do it now, if you have a ring, it's just a matter of time till she figures it out.

    Approach it from the perspective of what she needs to know in her role as MOM. Focus it all on the kid. Don't gush about how excited you are or anything like that. Keep it SHORT and SIMPLE.

    I would go with "Hey, I wanted to let you know that we are engaged. We don't have a date set or any plans really, but we know we would love for SS to be there. When we figure out the date, we'll let you know."

    Then take her response as your cue to want to do next....

    if she goes - "Oh okay, congratulations" - then you're done. Say thanks and leave it at that.

    If she acts shocked or upset - say something like "I hope you know how much I care about SS, I want to assure you that I want to be a good step-mom and positive influence on his life." And then wrap it up quickly. She probably just needs time to process the info.

    If she's like me... then what i said was "Thank God, do you know how long it takes one person to trim these three little boys' toenails and fingernails?? I'm glad to add another adult to the team."  :)
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would step back and let FI take care of delivering the news.  This is his ex-wife, not yours.  Best of luck!
  • johnsoniajohnsonia member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Congrats! My future step daughter will be 4 tomorrow. My SO and I have been together since she was an infant also.

    Seems exwife is mature and everyone gets along. I think if you feel uncomfortable about telling her, then maybe your ex could talk with her and let her know whats happening. She should know, and she should hear it first hand, and not from SS or mutual friends of family etc...She deserves to know. If she's happy and supportive, thats great, but either way she needs to be in the loop and be able to talk with SS about it if questions arise. If you are serious enough to be getting married, living together & celebrating bdays together, Im sure she has an idea where your relationship may be headed, even if she's not happy about it.

    good luck telling her. I would make FI do the dirty work, or mention something casually to gauge her response and go from there.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • edited December 2011
    I really like Adelphi's wording-- but I agree that your Fi is the appropriate one to tell his xW.  It's not your place.  ~Donna
  • greeneyedJgreeneyedJ member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies, Adelphi I think THAT'S exactly what I needed to read/hear.

    I absolutely have no intentions of telling her myself, I agree this is Fi's place.  I simply needed a sounding board on what the best approach is to this would be.  Now I plan to talk to Fi and hopefully steer him in the direction of telling her, he's very laid back and thinks this isn't something that needs to come up.  I'll report back soon! Smile
  • edited December 2011
    Hey Greeneyes!
    I agree with Lisa and the rest of the ladies that said you should let Fiance deliver the news.

    You got great advice so I don't have much to add except CONGRATS!!!

    Although you all are close and things are going well, let FI take the lead with dealing with the EX about his son. It is HIS responsibility.

    Your are a wonderful supposrt system for him. Glad you are all so mature, it will make your SS life a lot easier.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    CONGRATS!!! 

    I agree with the pp's on this one, they all gave you great advice!

    Welcome we look forward to hearing more about your plans!

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_newbie-intro-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:667cc756-8846-490f-9009-6367ce884d8bPost:38d059bd-0cc1-42aa-bc72-50f711523112">Re: Newbie intro and question</a>:
    [QUOTE]CONGRATS!!!  I agree with the pp's on this one, they all gave you great advice! Welcome we look forward to hearing more about your plans!
    Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

    Me too!  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
    Anniversary
  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Just wanted to say congrats and welcome. Everyone else (this is a wise bunch) covered what I would have said.
  • edited December 2011
    Hi,
    I am new here to the boards too and in a similar situation in that we got together when Fi's daughter was about 6 months old, although her mum and I don't talk. If we end up in the same place at the same time she avoids me and basically acts like I don't exist. Which is better than a slanging match each time. Anyway...
    When we got engaged after 5 years together, it was definitely HIS job to speak to her as we both felt that it was his responsibility and that she deserved to hear it from him before she found out through someone else.
    That said congratulations and I hope the planning and everything goes well :)
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