First post - need advice

MariOthon

Helllo ladies!

This is my first time posting here but I've been browsing the boards for a couple of weeks. After a twenty-year marriage I've been divorced now for just a few months but was separated for over a year. I live with my FH who was also married for almost  20 years but has been divorced now for about 7 years. We first met when we worked together about 10 years ago but hadn't seen each other for over 5 years until almost a year ago ... Anyway,long story short - we have discovered we were meant to be together and have decided to get married next year.

My first wedding was a a simple backyard wedding. His was in a courthouse with pregant bride. We are thinking that for this wedding we want it to be simple but elegant with our friends and family, and our kids (he has three kids in college, I have an 11-yr old son and daughter in college). Our latest idea is to have a private ceremony on the beach in California (we live in VA) with just the two of us (with our without the kids) and one of his best friends (who lives out there) singing at the cermony. Then stay out there for a week or so and then come back and have a big party with family and friends.

Our issue is whether our families will feel cheated out of seeing us get married and maybe choose not to travel to come to our reception/party. His family lives about 6 hours away. I would have people flying in from out of the country who might not feel compelled to do so just for a party.

We haven't even told anyone we're getting married yet as he would like to wait until he's had a chance to buy me a ring (which he insists on). My ex has already announced he's getting married this summer so I don't want it to look like I'm trying to one-up him either.

Any thoughts?

Thank you!

2dBride

I suspect that whether people come to the reception or not will depend more on how close they are to you, and how they feel about your wedding, than on whether they get to see the ceremony.  It would be different if you were having both ceremony and reception locally--then inviting only some to the ceremony might be seen as setting up a two-tier friends' list.  However, if the ceremony is the other side of the country, your friends will understand your not inviting them to fly out to California for the ceremony, then back to VA for the reception.

As for whether your families will feel cheated if they don't see the ceremony, you can ask members of your immediate family, once you are ready to tell them you are engaged.  Anyone beyond immediate family is not going to feel cheated.

thealphabride

Congrats and welcome to the board. Perhaps just ask everyone before you make any solid plans. My fiance and I talked about going away just the 2 of us with our kids and close family, sibs and moms, but that seem to pose more of a problem with finances for everyone. I didn't want to ask people to spend that kind of money for flights, hotels etc. especially in this economy.
Just ask everyone if they are able to travel. College age kids probably don't have a lot of extra cash to travel.

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome, and congrats on finding the right guy!

I'm also getting married next summer, but have been furiously planning.

I agree with the prior posters, after your engagement is formalized, and announced, ask your kids and immediate family members what they think, but do what the two of YOU want to do. It sounds as though you both had low key weddings the first time. If you want to really celebrate this marriage, could you get married on the beach in VA, with family & close friends, and then a reception right afterward? Then you could go to CA for your honeymoon instead of the other way around.

It's a personal decision, and as you've probably read on other posts, the people here are pretty non-judgemental and mature. We're either raising our kids, or someone else's kids, or middle aged happy childless people.

Good luck and keep us posted. Again, welcome.

geordieboysgirl

I don't think your scenario is all that uncommon. You here more and more about destination weddings with a reception following at home. My sister just went off to St. Lucia a few weeks ago, got married there (with only our parents as guests) and had a nice reception the following weekend. It was perfect for them and people came from out of town. Do what you two want, you can't be responsible for other people's decisions so if they want to come from out of the country or from a few hours away they will and if they don't they won't.  

ltyka

I think if you plan a nice reception with good food and fun invitations people will come.   Do what makes you two happy and creates the kinds of memories you want!

MariOthon

Thanks for all the feedback. I think we'll wait before we decide for sure but I think both our guts are telling us to do our own thing and not worry about who shows up. We'll throw a big party and if they decide to come - great. If we were to try to have a ceremony with just immediate family, we would still have a problem deciding where to draw the line. Both our parents are divorced and both his are remarried. So if we did parents, and our kids that's already 12 guests without including our siblings and their families.

tommyandy

Why California?  If it's just so the friend can sing, fly him to you.  Don't forget The Outer Banks when thinking of beach weddings.  They're only a few hours drive south from you.

thealphabride

Sounds like a plan. let us know how your plans come together.