Ex husband

taraajones

Does anyone have any advice about Ex's? I posted on a another board but didn't get much advice. My Ex constantly makes unwanted comments. I am getting married next month and just a week ago he told me he loved me and to leave my FI and us get back together. If it wasn't for my daughter I would ignore him and have nothing to do with him, but I can't because of her. He also leaves comments on Facebook all the time which makes people call me to ask what's going on. My wedding shower was this past weekend and my mother posted a picture of me, her and my FI, he made a comment about me under it. I have tried telling him to stop and fussing at him but it's no help, is there anything else I can do?

lebonbrown

My first question:  Why haven't you "un-friended" him of Facebook?  You are giving him all the ammunition he needs to feed his obsession.  

taraajones

I'm not even on Facebook. Me and my FI deleted ours when we got engaged, it was just to much drama. My mother, sisters, and friends are. I have asked them to un-friend him but you can't MAKE someone do anything.

right1thistime

Talk to him only via email.  No phone (unless its urgent), no text (too much access), and certainly unfriend him on facebook.  Facebook is the devil!  If he is bothering you via mutual friends on facebook, the only advice I can give you is to stay off facebook.  "Fussing" at him is only giving him your time & attention.  Ignoring him is a much more effective strategy. 

If he calls you, ask him, "Does this have to do with DD?"  if the answer is no, then say, "Ok, well, I really can't talk right now.' If he needs to hear it more directly, then say, "Ok, then I really have no need to speak with you about anything other than DD."  If he starts the I love you crap, just say, "This is inappropriate, I am not interested in this conversation, please contact me only for issues with DD.  Goodbye" and HANG UP before he says another thing.  (Or while he is saying it, if necessary).  Take control of this. ~Donna

 

Lisa50

Stay off FB.  Close your account and be done with it.  As for everything else, PPs have given you good advice.  Good luck!

geieran

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ex-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:68c4f2ca-0649-4137-bc9d-b8cbffcd0ad5Post:31318fb8-5fd9-482b-bc7e-bd7335659359">Re: Ex husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to him only via email.  No phone (unless its urgent), no text (too much access), and certainly unfriend him on facebook.  Facebook is the devil!  If he is bothering you via mutual friends on facebook, the only advice I can give you is to stay off facebook.  "Fussing" at him is only giving him your time & attention.  Ignoring him is a much more effective strategy.  If he calls you, ask him, "Does this have to do with DD?"  if the answer is no, then say, "Ok, well, I really can't talk right now.' If he needs to hear it more directly, then say, "Ok, then I really have no need to speak with you about anything other than DD."  If he starts the I love you crap, just say, "This is inappropriate, I am not interested in this conversation, please contact me only for issues with DD.  Goodbye" and HANG UP before he says another thing.  (Or while he is saying it, if necessary).  Take control of this. ~Donna  
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with Donna. My F is divorced with 3 kids. When we started dating, his ex started the whole "I want you back" crap. He wants so bad (and so do I) to be able to just completely ignore her, but you can't do that when kids are involved. The ex was driving my F crazy. Now he only communicates with her via email. She was texting him all hours of the day and night so he had texting turned off of his phone. He's told her and told her that he does not want to get back with her, but she just kept on. So now he only emails her. And he only responds to emails that are about the kids. He just completely ignores anything to do with getting back together. This approach has seemed to help us a lot. Good luck with your situation!

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handfast4me

Folks, she isn't on FB, it's her family that is--and they need to unfriend him.  My x sent me a friend request. I ignored it.  We  are, in fact, cordial (no drama, like above) but I just didn't feel comfortable with it, so I didn't.  He still has access to some of my stuff via our daughter's account, but I have my account set on "friends only"  not friends and their friends--which really IS the devil. 

So, aside from FB, just do as Donna suggested above--be VERY clear in your e-mail communication.  Don't leave any ambiguity in the messages. 

Just as an aside--are you safe--you don't think he'd try to hurt you?  I just always wonder--I guess too many TV movies.  Blah. 

boaznruth

Boundaries are always good...with ex-es doubly so.

My ex has started being more "friendly" since he found out we are getting married.  I've tolerated because, frankly, it's been working in my favor.  He has actually been calling the kids once a week and showing an interest in their lives, which they have missed.  He's also been more regular in his child support commitments.  For that, I can deal with a few stray facebook comments that make me roll my eyes.  If it crossed a line, like it sounds like yours is, then I would be enforcing those boundaries pronto.

Of course, my ex is a few states away, which always helps!

Good luck!

timsflower81

Your family should unfriend him.  If they are seeing these comments and care about you, they need to cut ties.  You could also ask your family if they are going to share pictures of you, that they need to only allow certain people on their friend's list to see them.  When I post any pictures of my future step daughter -I set it to only allow my family members to see them.  It excludes co-workers and acquaintenances.  Your family needs to be more responsible and stop fostering an environment for him to make comments.  

As far as him professing his love for you, you need to be absolutely clear with him that you love your fi, you are getting married and there is nothing in the world that he can do or say that will change that.  This happened with Fi's ex, pretty much as soon as we got together she found reasons to talk to him and claimed she wanted to be "friends".  My FI got very blunt with her and explained how it was.  So now anytime they talk and she tries to steer the conversation to anything but their daughter, he cuts her off. 

dande2129

All of what the PP said. Especially your family unfriending him on Facebook, and if they don't want to, they certainly need to speak with him directly about what comments he is making, stating that if he doesn't stop, they will unfriend him.

If my ex H knows that I'm engaged, he hasn't said anything to me. But, when I started dating FI, THAT is when he stepped up his game in trying to "win me back." I don't honestly think that they (ex's who do this, in general) necessarily want the person back.... it's a challenge, it's a manifestation of ACTUALLY moving on and there has to be a feeling of loss there, even if you've been divorced for X amount of time.

Leo379

My ex only contacts me through email, we are not friends on fb. But my brother and sister are still friends with him. Having contact only through email hasn't helped unfortunately. His most recent email accused me of breaking into the garage at our old house and stealing something. Which of course I didn't do. He said he thought I did it so I could make sure I had taken everything of value over $10. And he hoped when the time comes my coffin is big enough to store everything in that I have taken. I find this hilarious as he kept the house and I moved into a 500 sq ft apt. Took very little with me. What drives me crazy is that even after he keeps doing this kind of stuff my bro and sis (her especially) keeps commenting on his stuff on fb. She is very friendly with him. Our kids want me to "understand that their Dad is hurting) and get not get mad. I am tired of no one supporting me!

blumnkyfur

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  Ex husbands can be difficult to deal with.  One minute they hate you, the next they miss you.  I feel the same about my ex, that I wouldn't ever see him again except we have kids and I have to put up with him for a minimum of 16 more years... really the rest of my life.  I just smile and walk away when my ex is being weird.  When he makes the "I realized what I lost" comments I remind him how he hated me for years, and how unhappy we were.  I just point out that he wants me because someone else has me now.  He is like a child with a toy.  I am only interesting when someone else wants to play with me.  It can make your head fuzzy though, especially if your marriage ended the way mine did ( after years of cheating on me with whatever walked, he walked out twice for a woman at work).  I think he is just playing games with my head, and I don't let him.  I have no intrest in going back to a Yugo when I am with a Porche now.  I hope you can find a way to put him in the "he means nothing to me, and nothing he says or does gets to me" category in your head.  It took me a long time, but once it clicked life has been easier.

Leo379

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. To add to the drama, our oldest son just got married and after the rehearsal dinner, my ex and his new girlfriend went to a party where all (or most) of "our" couples friends were. She got drunk and started calling me some nasty names and making comments about me. In a moment of weakness I let him know I knew she had done this. He didn't respond but two days ago I received a letter from her denying everything and saying she was horrified that someone had told me this. Needless to say I don't believe her but she even included her phone number in case I wanted to call her and talk about it! I am ignoring both of them now. Really don't want to be thinking about them when I should be just enjoying the before wedding stuff! I am really glad that it clicked for you, I hope it does for me soon!

JessChase713

There is a way on Facebook that you can block a friend from posting on your page and from sending you messages. If your wanting to keep in on your friends list for your kids (pictures and updates). I'd ignore the whole "I still love you crap". He obviously hates the idea that you will be able to create and live a happy life without him.

MikesAngie

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Right1 once again is right on the money.  Only talk with your ex if it has to deal with DD - period and do not allow your family to talk about the ex if it has to deal with your DD. Otherwise he is totally off topic - period.  You divorced him for a reason - stick to your guns.  

Jells2dot0

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[Deleted User]

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