XP: Was I really welcome to come back and vent about horrible family members anytime?

PiscesFish

Check THIS out! 

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/43772754.aspx

OR

At common sense and my OB's explicit advice, I'm not drinking ANY alcohol this pregnancy.  Some of it has to do with wanting to avoid FAS, also some of it has to do with alcohol effing up my blood sugar like no other (very risky to the baby, and this trimester, I'm without my insulin sensitizer to control it).  Also, while neither of my parents are alcoholics, I come from a long line of drunks.  What do you want, I was one of the first in my family not born behind the Iron Curtain.

This past weekend, I got into a HUGE fight with my dad (who's not taken a science class since the 70s) over this. I passed on the bottle of wine at dinner, and he got all confrontational.

Him:  Why aren't you having wine?

Me: I'm pregnant.

Him: Does that mean you can't even have one drink?  Not even one?  That's ridiculous.  Why is that?

Me. I don't want my baby to have FAS.

Him:  You're overreacting! That only happens to babies born in Russia!

Me:  Medical evidence suggests differently, and my blood sugar's also a concern here.  I'm going with my OB on this one.

He launched on this LONG tirade about how turning down alcohol is antisocial, how I "can't just use being pregnant as an excuse to refuse to eat or drink something (I) don't like", then went on to point out that  my mom had a glass of wine a week during pregnancy with me (is this why I have an autoimmune disorder and diabetes, that have damn near ruined my life?), and that wine has antioxidants and makes your heart healthy (because fruits and vegetables don't exist?)  I ended up leaving and telling him to call Child Protective Services if he had a problem with the way I am caring for MY child.

I am beyond hurt by this - he's smart enough to know that had I followed his advice, I would have risked stillbirth or birth defect.  I'm getting married on Saturday, and currently really don't want to see him after that exchange.

 Part of me suspects this comes from his own "gender dissapointment" - He really wanted a son, got me instead.  And instead of spending the last 3 decades getting over that and enjoying the sons he had soon after, has always acted extremely pissy anytime I do/show interest in anything "girly".  Which, I AM very girly.

Has anyone else run into this?  I don't really get the motivation for the attack on my not drinking.

ETA:  I realize some OB's give the go-ahead for an occasional drink.  But I'm guessing not to diabetic mommies-to-be.

lynniearudner

wow. 

so sorry to hear this. 

when i worked in OB (before medical school) people would complain that they WANTED to have a drink and we would let them know the risks and benefits  of this behavior. 

i think there are a number of scholarly articles that you could find to send along to your family, if you needed, but it does sound like this is maybe not the real issue. 

it sounds like your family has some struggles (as you mentioned in the post) with alcohol in general. alcohol is certainly not necessary for social interaction, and refusing to drink (or eat) anything is perfectly acceptable at any time in ones life. the fact that this confrontation occurred over alcohol is not something that was caused by your pregnancy, nor does it really seem like you can fix it. 

again, so sorry to hear this is happening. 

i think you are being completely reasonable 

arv266

I say post this over and over, but to me, the silly arguments that people have are never about the issue at hand... its usually about a bigger issue.  And I think we're all aware of the bigger issues that you are having with your family.  On this one, it seems to him that you're just going against the grain of what is "normal."  Its human nature to rally against anything that goes against what our norm is. 

I had my dad eyeball my plate when I pregnant and comment on "eatting for two or three" but he never pushed the wine issue. 

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_xp-really-welcome-come-back-vent-horrible-family-members-anytime?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6e7140a2-b773-4662-acb7-8608b6f42dadPost:e68ff177-9eb0-4f6b-9571-6d4eb9a54344">Re: XP: Was I really welcome to come back and vent about horrible family members anytime?</a>:
[QUOTE]wow.  so sorry to hear this.  when i worked in OB (before medical school) people would complain that they WANTED to have a drink and we would let them know the risks and benefits  of this behavior.  i think there are a number of scholarly articles that you could find to send along to your family, if you needed, but it does sound like this is maybe not the real issue.  it sounds like your family has some struggles (as you mentioned in the post) with alcohol in general.
Posted by lynniearudner[/QUOTE]

Since you went to med school/have professional experience in OB, you do have  a more informed opinion - I'm dying to know what the benefits of drinking alcohol in pregnancy are?  I'm thinking you can take the edge off with meditation, or get the antioxidants from fruits/veggies...

Yeah, my fam has struggles with alcohol in general... I'm the only one of my cousins not to have a DUI. Everyone who's passed on, it was due to cirhossis (sp?) of the liver.  Everyone who's been fired, it was due to the effects of drinking.  Bc my dad is not an alcoholic, he's the one to clean up most of their messes.

Then to attack me for not engaging in that same destructive behavior (he's also objected that sushi, deli meat, etc is safe and I'm rude not to eat it, the alcohol confrontation was just the worst) makes me feel like he wants the worst to happen to my son. :(

right1thistime

Just to take a different tack here -- what are you looking for from us?  I am not being snarky or fresh-- you have your arguments well thought out, you feel very strongly as to what you want to do, you have every right to control what goes in and out of your body, and you have medical reasons to avoid alcohol - besides the pregnancy issue.  You don't need a bunch of strangers on the internet validating your decision. You are an adult woman and soon to be mother in your own right.  

EVERYONE who is pregnant runs into the "you should do..."  and "I would never do...."  It seems like the whole world believes that being pregnant means your body is public property.  

One of my favorite advice columnists stock reply to  personal questions is a really good standby.  When asked something personal, just answer, 'why do you need to know?"  Now I doubt that your father will stop at that point, but that's not news to you either. 

If you know your father is going to act in this manner (the whole son/ daughter thing) you really only have two choices-- put up with it or distance yourself from him.  With the wedding coming up so quickly, just put it aside for now, and after you are a married lady, decide what is best for you and your family.  If you want to continue to have a relationship with him, you will have to come up with a way to say, "the topic is off limits dad.  If you insist on pursuing it, I will leave."  And then do it.  ~Donna 

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_xp-really-welcome-come-back-vent-horrible-family-members-anytime?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6e7140a2-b773-4662-acb7-8608b6f42dadPost:41626aa9-f027-4b19-9e11-cba9f657e7af">Re: XP: Was I really welcome to come back and vent about horrible family members anytime?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to take a different tack here -- what are you looking for from us?  Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
As stated in the subject line, just venting.  :)  It was mentioned before that family member toxicity was well-known around these parts.

right1thistime

I guess my point was that YOU have everything you need to deal with this. (I understand just venting--sometimes you just have to let it fly!)  You know what you want to do, and aren't swayed by crazy demands.