New to board...

AuntieJo

Hello Ladies... I'm new to this board!!

I came here because I'm having an issue and NO ONE to talk about who can understand my frustration.  I first got married when I was 26 and to  make a long story short--he fell out of love with me, wanted me to stay in a loveless marriage and I BAILED.  We both made mistakes.  I got married for a SECOND time to a man that I thought I knew... but he turned out to have lied to me about EVERYTHING in his life--he ended up being AWFUL with money, spent all of my money, became an alcholic and even started to get physically abusive (there is actually more that is WORSE, but I just can't bring myself to write it).  I gave him a choice--get help of I leave.  He wouldn't get help.  I didn't want to get a second divorce... but I didn't want to get KILLED either.

Anyhow, I left in 2005 and it's been a long struggle to heal myself.  I have been with a young man now for a year and he and I have the most wonderful relationship... it's really a dream come true.  We have a great relationship with his family... we are on the same page in all senses.  It's great.  anyhow, he proposed and I was/am SO EXCITED.  His family is SO EXCITED.  So, what's my problem?

Well, there are people out there who literally LAUGH when they hear that I'm getting married again.  They laugh HARD.  They make really awful jokes about how it's never going to work out... how could it?  They say that OBVIOUSLY there is something wrong with me if I have had TWO failed marriages... They make me cry.  Even when I tell them that they don't know what happened they STILL make jokes.  I know that I should just let it go because they are just rude... who cares what they think?  But it cuts into me and it is really bothering me.

Anyone else have something similar?

Joanne

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome to the board Joanne.

I'm getting married for the first time, but it is my fiance's 3rd marriage. Both of his marriages were long (we are in our 50's), but still, it is his 3rd marriage. Both of our families are supportive because they can see how happy we are together. We both have children, and accept that we are assuming responsibilities to make each other's children have great lives.

Surround yourself with people that don't criticize. If it's your family or friends, just tell them you are happy, that's all that matters, and everyone makes mistakes in judgement. No one is perfect. I wouldn't get into "tit for tat", pointing out their mistakes, just walk away. It is hard to put up with jokes about your life from people, but assume they don't know the whole story, and you don't have time to educate them.

I've had very long relationships in my life before this one, and loved each person......... but for whatever reasons, they were not meant to be. I too was in a relationship with a man who was verbally abusive to my son. I stuck it out too long, but once he was out of my home, my family has had a happy life.

It's hard, but once you know in your heart this is right, you can laugh off their cruel comments. I'd also recommend that you probably have a long engagement, spending as much time as possible to make sure this is the right person. If you've been with him for a year, that's a long time, but if you want to make sure you are making the right decision for the rest of your life, take the time upfront to get to know him. Ask the questions you need to, in order to make sure the problems from your past don't haunt you again.

Good luck.

right1thistime

Master the staple of the Second Weddings Board---- the icy stare of DEATH.  Like this:  http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/wysiwyg/image/1AOD-299.jpg

When they do anything other than offer you well wishes, greet them with this look.  No tears, no nervous giggles, no shrug.  Just. the. icy. stare.  OF DEATH.

And seriously, why do you talk to people who blame YOU for your past marriages?  Anyone whose been married and divorced knows it takes two people to make a bad marriage.  And from your stories, while I am sure you had some role, it sounds like you just picked the wrong guys.   These folks need to STFU. 

Perhaps you could try to develop a humorous (but hard line) answer.  Something along the lines of, " Well of course, if you look at it that way, I should never, ever try to find someone to spend my life with ever again.  Sort of like how since you've failed to (diet, quit smoking, be kind and compassionate...) after trying a few times, and clearly have failed, you have given up even being (thin, smoke free, humane)" 

Even better, icy stare of death, "why would you say something so obviously hurtful?"  and WALK AWAY. You don't need to give them permission to treat you like crap.  You have a choice.  ~Donna 

AuntieJo

Sue, Thank you for your response... it's very compassionate of you to share with me.  I appreciate it.  Although I appreciate your advcie about the long engagement... I KNOW.  I would marry this man today if we could get away to do it.  I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW.  I'm not jumping into it--I KNOW.  I've never been more certain of anything or anyone in my life.  He's just amazing... more importantly--WE ARE AMAZING TOGETHER.  We're such a good team.  We're getting married in December so it will be just over a year long engagement... that's long enough for me!!

Donna--ha!!!!!!!!  Oh you rock my world girl!!  Yes, my FI agrees with you that I have to find my "bitch within"--I tend to fight off the words that would wound others... but I guess I have to put that aside because it's really getting to me.  I can't BELIEVE that people are so hurtful (there was one guy who is a regular at the restaurant that I work at who went on for HOURS about it--I am ready for him though--ohhhh... he'll get an earful tomorrow if he continues!!).  And I'm so using your words... Thank you!!

Peace ladies.
Joanne

NYHarleyBride

Welcome to the board. This is a great group. The only thing I would add to the above is to hold back on your release of information and egaging of conversation to non-supportive people (i.e. the guy from the restaurant). Once I knew where some lay on the thought of our marriage or traveling to our wedding, and it was not a supportive position, I just wouldn't engage them in the conversation. There is no need to defend yourself. They did not have a need to know or a right to be part of it. By the way, this also helps with intefering relative who want to offer too much advice or help (i.e. the mother who says you shouldn't wear a veil, or shouldn't walk down the aisle, etc...).

handfast4me

Welcome, no judgement on the number here.  :-)  I'm in my second marriage.  Donna is correct-the icy stare of death is very important. Practice it.  Live it.  It was perfect when my very own sister said to me "well, you're not wearing WHITE, are you?"    And to others, you may, in a very sweet, low voice have to say "my, I'm sure you didn't mean to say that out loud." 

Best wishes in your planning. 

Catalina Island Bound

Just catching up on this board and I'm so glad to see you over here as well!    This is a great board and nobody will judge you for your decisions you make at all.  We're all here to support each other so, feel free to come anytime!!