Chilly feet

Emmiew

I can't quite call them cold, but I think I'm getting a little nervous about getting married for a second time.

I love my fiance, and I know we're a great match, basically because we love eachother (of course,) and we are both willing to do the work it takes to have a happy marriage.  I'm all of a sudden getting scared about being trapped, being taken for granted, not being seen and/or heard...all the stuff from the first marriage.

Anyone else have these simultaneous feelings?  I'm loving the planning, and I love my fiance....but the fear sometimes grips me.
Thanks....Emmie

2dBride

I think it is a reasonable fear.  Unfortunately, way too many people get a divorce from the first spouse, then marry the exact same type of person the second time around.  And of course, the prospect of entering into a marriage that has less than a 50% chance of success, at least statistically, is daunting.

What you need to do is to figure out what is bringing on these feelings.  Have there been instances recently in which he has appeared to do similar things to what your ex did?  In some instances, the things the current partner is doing may be trivial and unrelated to the big issues (e.g., current wore a sweater that was like one of the ex's), but they serve to remind you of the ex.  But trying to figure out what brought on the worries can help you figure out whether they are just pre-wedding jitters or a sign of something more.

handfast4me

Yes, many of us had this feeling.   Read the Conscious Bride.  Very helpful with these feelings--it doesn't address us second (and third) timers in particular,  but most of the things that it discusses applies; giving up our space, etc. 

suzieharris

It's really hard to not feel this way.  My FI is carrying alot of baggage right now.  Not so much his children.  Not so concerned with that.  Just other stuff.  Seems that bad things follow him.  In  a way I feel like I am moving backwards in my life.  I love him to death and he cherishes me and my kids.  He treats me like a princess!  Even opens the car door for me.  My first marriage ended with my husband dying not because we were divorced.  I NEVER compare one relationship to the other but it is difficult to wonder if I will continue to backtrack instead of move forward. For heaven's sake, I have set up a retirement plan where I will be retiring in 15 years.  I am half way through my career.  I don't want to back track now.

BVTer

Yes, I'm nervous enough that I postponed the wedding and moved back into my own house, about a month ago. The wedding was supposed to be August 7. We are still seeing each other and going to see a counselor together.

The biggest issue for me is that he wants to be joined at the hip and I am very private and introverted. Other than time spent at his business, he wants to be with me every minute that I'm not at work.

He is very different than my ex, so I don't feel like I'm marrying the same problems in that way but I see myself falling into the same patterns of avoiding conflict and being afraid to talk about my own needs and preferences.  So for me, it seemed to make sense to back up and try to work on these issues before committing to a relationship that was starting to make me feel trapped and panicky. Good luck with your decision. Kathy

Emmiew

This is so interesting to me, and reassuring.

I'm evolved eough, through years of therapy, plus my own work as a psych nurse, to know the underlying dynamics of our relationship. We've done couples counseling.   Awareness is not the issue.  I am about as "conscious" as a human being can be!  (Although I am always learning new things!)

But for those of use who've done this before, with the results being divorce, it would be foolish to not consider and validate these feelings.  I want to stay my own person, keep my own name, and protect my children's financial future.

I have an appointment with an attorney for a pre-nup and FI is fine with this.  I am the one with the financiial assets, and we both feel that taking those issues off the table is a place to start dealing with some of my fear.


Cold-hearted?  Unromantic? Pessimistic?  Perhaps.  Realistic, necessary and reassuring?  Absolutely.  For me, at least.  And yet, I still want to call this man my husband, and live the rest of my life committed to him.  Of that, I am sure.  Or as sure as I can be.

melissamc2

I'm on my third marriage.  I'd be a fool to not have strong thoughts about whether this is the right decision.

I just discussed a few of them with my fiance this morning, in fact.  I love him.  He loves me.  We click.  He's fantastic with the children, they love him, he loves them, and our family unit works wonderfully.

I've been there before.  It works until it doesn't.  No matter how optimistic I am about our new life together, and as a family, that very stark reality lurks in the back of my mind.

As I have said before on these boards - I'm about 90% certain I'm doing the "right" thing this time.  If someone told me there was a 90% chance I'd win the lottery tomorrow - I'd buy a ticket.  I also wouldn't spend the money before it was in my hands, however, which is why I'm not planning any 25th anniversary parties just yet - and am sure there is a very loop-hole free pre-nup in place.

Optimism is one thing - but I have to be realistic.  Two failed marriages show issues within myself.  Everything isn't someone else's fault and I won't pretend it is just to make myself feel better.  *I* may be marriage imparied and THAT causes the bulk of my "cold feet."

Good luck with dealing with your own inner conflicts at this time.  I know THIS statement will likely be seen as horrible by many - but all of us on this board are aware that there IS life after a failed marriage, so we all go into the next one with the hope that it'll be the one to make it, but the knowledge that we're not going to fall apart if it doesn't.   A little too pragmatic for someone 101 days out from a wedding?  Maybe.  Trust me, I get caught up in the wedding as much as anyone (and a lot of times MORE), but in the end it's the marriage on my mind.

[Deleted User]

 I love how honest everyone has been. I often find the people on here to be very judgmental but thank you for being real. 

 I too have battled with these feeling and I think no matter how much you and someone love each other that relationships are super tough. There are so many options now and people no longer feel that they have to or should stick things out. Not to say that I am against divorce because sometimes it is the only option and we are bound to make mistakes. Good luck ladies!