Second Weddings

Other people

This is my second wedding.  My first marriage sunk like the Titanic with no life boats.  The marriage itself was a train wreck, and I spent most of it trying to save it.  It was 11 exhausting years, and I felt like I had survived war after I was finally out.  I got married at 18 to a "man" that said all the right things, but never ever did any of the right things.  When he left the second time I found out I was pregnant with our fifth child two weeks later.  I spent the pregnancy healing.  I cut off all contact with the ex, and only allowed him to communicate through letters.  I fixed where I was broken, and became a whole person again.  My FI had a similar experience.  He went through hell, but it was twice for him.  The first ex was a beast, and the second was worse. 

My first wedding was my MIL's wedding.  She picked everything.  The date, the venue, the food, the guests...ect, ect, ect.  She even called my mother and wanted a check to go buy me a wedding dress without me even being there. 
My FI was married twice at town hall.  The first time his ex wouldn't even allow his mother to go. 

We are both looking forward to planning a wedding.  He is excited for so many different reasons.  He wants to see me in a white dress, to marry in our church.  I just opened a party planning business, so for me this is my favorite thing to do!  I want to plan the party, and be excited about all the little details. 

So here's the thing.  I can't help but feel like people are going to have negative opinions of us having a big wedding.  I'm not stupid, I've heard the mumbles.  I want to ignore it, and not let it bug me but in all honesty it does bug me.  We found each other, and are so happy.  I would think the people who love us, or are supposed to love us would see that and want to celebrate. I want to celebrate.  I want to stand on a mountain top and dance like crazy while singing I am so stinking blessed.  I'm pretty sure I can keep my mouth shut, but if someone says anything negative in front of my kids I may lose it.  When we got engaged my older daughters told us that it was the best vacation ever, because we are "officially" a family now.  They are as excited as I am to plan the big day. 

Anyone else dealing with the second wedding mumbles?

Re: Other people

  • I would suggest a couple of things. 1. We need details, because we're almost as excited as you are 2. Perfect the icy stare of death. Also, you can't control others but you CAN control your reaction to them. Its hard to do but you have to ignore them or when they say something mean give them that look and then say,as sweet as you can muster: wow. I'm sure you didn't mean that as badly as it sounded. Others have replied "it means so much to have the support of family and friends." And then change the subject. No one is excited about your wedding as you are, but this group can help you work through all thos yucky stuff. And we need to see your shoes. :
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • i'm kind of a creampuff.  My FI says I'm a marshmallow.  In other words I don't do conflict well.  I wish I could do the death stare.  I get that no one is as excited as we are, it would be weird if they were.  I just wish people practiced the old if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all rule.  There are a ton of people in our lives who are over the moon happy for us.  I just have to get better at either 1) not letting it bug me or 2) standing up for myself. 
  • If your question is have any of us dealt with it - the answer is a resounding YES.  HOW we have dealt with it will vary.  If you don't like conflict, or even the ICY STARE OF DEATH, then you'll not get much advice from most of us, because wishing that others felt differently or hoping they would keep their big fat mouths shut hasn't worked for most of us.

    If you want advice on how to be nice & still tell them that they are being hurtful, let us know. ~Donna
  • Surround yourself with people who are going to be positive about this.  Include them in your plans and have their numbers nearby when you want to talk to someone who will share your excitement.  Then, minimize your interactions with the naysayers.  If those types bring up the wedding, give little details and change the subject to something else.  Don't give them the opening they want to be negative!

    And feel free to gush here!  You have every right to be happy and excited.  You and your FI and your family deserve this.

    Laughing
  • If you don't like staring down or sweetly calling people out - then my suggestion is to give them the big "I'm-so-happy-I-don't-care-what-you-think" smile... and say thanks for your opinion but it's our day. 

    Also the ladies of this board will gladly share your ups and downs.... we want to see the dress...but more importantly the shoes!!!

    Congratulations and remain happy!!
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_other-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:74e50f4e-c6e1-4344-be32-1215f5f903f6Post:524de445-865e-491c-a4b8-5fb98daddedf">Re:Other people</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would suggest a couple of things. 1. We need details, because we're almost as excited as you are 2. Perfect the icy stare of death. Also, you can't control others but you CAN control your reaction to them. Its hard to do but you have to ignore them or when they say something mean give them that look and then say,as sweet as you can muster: wow. I'm sure you didn't mean that as badly as it sounded. Others have replied "it means so much to have the support of family and friends." And then change the subject. No one is excited about your wedding as you are, but this group can help you work through all thos yucky stuff. <strong><font color="#0000ff">And we need to see your shoes. :
    </font></strong>Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    Amen!  It i<u>s</u> all about the shoes, baby!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_other-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:74e50f4e-c6e1-4344-be32-1215f5f903f6Post:094169be-8849-4932-b085-6d929e5b9a90">Re:Other people</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Other people : Amen!  It i s all about the shoes, baby!
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

    <div>But I went barefoot.  Does this mean you guys want pictures of my feet?  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /></div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_other-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:74e50f4e-c6e1-4344-be32-1215f5f903f6Post:be390aee-8638-4cd9-902a-6b43006f4893">Re:Other people</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Other people : But I went barefoot.  Does this mean you guys want pictures of my feet?  
    Posted by boaznruth[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Yes! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div>
    Photobucket photo 899306-2148.jpg
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  • I will probably have this conflict with my brother's wife. I don't think they will attend the wedding. They will probably feel that I should of gone to the JOP to get married instead of having anything. For my second child (They are 9 years apart and different genders) she refused to come to the shower.

    Really, I don't care. I am not real close to my brother or his family. We will see if they even show up to my mom's ceremony at her home next month. If they don't come to hers then I know for sure they aren't coming to mine. (She is widowed not divorved and just getting married in her living room then dinner out with the family)
    image 45 Invited so far!
    image 36 Are ready to party!
    image 8 Will be missing out!
    image 1 Are MIA!
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