Help! My mother is driving me crazy!

theshaffers3350

Hi ladies!

First off, this is not my 1st marriage. I have been divorced for 3 years and now I am engaged to my best friend: literally. We've known each other since high school. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known and my 5 year old daughter adores him.

My problem is that my mother wants nothing to do with our engagement, wedding, NOTHING. I told her flat out that I didn't expect nor care for her to pay for anything beng that she's done it once before. Im a grown woman and my fiancee and I are paying for our wedding ourselves.

It hurts me deeply to hear that she "will not be my cheerleader" for this occassion. I don't see any issues remarrying. I have informed her that if she didn't want to be involved and wanted to be a Debbie Downer, that she didn't have to attend. More than likely, she will not be there.

So my question is...am I in the wrong? Am I wrong to basically uninvite my own mother because she causes nothing but grief and makes me feel like a bad person on a constant basis? I have other family members that are 110% emotionally supportive that are ecstatic for me.

Sloane99

I had a similar issue with my Dad's entire family, they weren't invited and they will not be a part of our lives going forward, but this is much closer to home since it's your mother. Is she generally supportive and are you close outside of this? If so, I do think she'll come around and you will likely regret her not being there. What are her concerns?

theshaffers3350

Here concerns are all regarding my daughter. Which I understand with her being as involved in her life as I am, but there needs to be a line drawn. We aren't that close to be brutally honest. There has always been a "power struggle" and she has for my 28 years been extremely controlling. I think because I've finally stood my ground on this, she doesn't know what to do.

theshaffers3350

Her* concerns. Sorry

AbbeyS2011

Your mother DOES NOT need to be as involved in your daughter's life as you are - she is the grandmother, you are her mother.  If you are not careful, she could steer your daughter away from you emotionally. 

You said she has been controlling all of your life; it sounds like she is realizing she cannot control you any longer, and is looking at your daughter as a replacement.  IMO, you need to cut ties from her and separate your daughter from her also.  You say you have other family members that are supportive and encouraging of your upcoming marriage; those are the ones you need to be around you and yours.

People who are control freaks like that will manipulate anyone they can, and will do their best to turn your loved ones from you and against you.  I am speaking from experience:  my ex was extremely controlling and tried to turn our children against me - I got myself and my children as far away from him as I could, and we have absolutely no contact with him.

I wish you the best in your marriage and your new life.

Sue-n-Kevin

I think the above advice is very good. I just peeked at your knot bio and see you are getting married in March 2012.

That's a looooong time away. Many things can happen. But I think AbbeyS2011 hit the nail on the head: there are just some people who are so controlling (usually because they are unhappy with things in their own lives) that they can't stop. They just switch from one person to another if they feel they've lost control.

My Mom has always had a close relationship with both my children, who are now much older than yours. My Mom is an opinionated person, but not controlling. We disagree a lot, but usually on how I spend my money, LOL, not on relationships.

If it were me, I'd probably have a "come to Jesus" meeting with her and explain that you are an adult, acting like an adult, and you will no longer tolerate her hurtful ways. I'd also tell her you love her (if that's true), love the fact she's close with your daughter, but that it can't be a smothering kind of love. She is welcome to her own opinion of whatever is happening in your life, but if she can't be supportive, she is to keep all opinions to herself. If she can't do this, then you will have no choice but to limit your time with her. DON'T however take your daughter away from her, she's too young and would be confused. Explain to your mom that any negative feedback, or "secrets" between her and your daughter will come to light, so unless she wants supervised visits, she can keep her opinions to herself around your daughter also.

I honestly don't have any other advice that might make your Mom change her tune.
 
Best wishes to you.  I hope it all works out.

right1thistime

I am so sorry that your mother is hurting you. 

It is perfectly ok to offer her as little information about your wedding, your daughter and your life as you feel comfortable with.  You are under NO obligation to tell her anything, to allow her to take up your time or your daughter's time.  Nor should you consider giving in to her whims and wishes.

Having said that, as a mother of nearly adult children -- have you given what she has to say real soul-searching consideration?  Does she have any point?  Is there any possibility that she is the one person on the planet who would rather tell you the truth and hurt you rather than see you make a mistake?  If you can confidently say that you have thought about what she is saying, whole heartedly disagree with her, and that she is far enough off the mark that you can easily dismiss her statements - then sometimes you have to politely agree to disagree, and walk away if the other party cannot do the  same. 

~Donna

melissamc2

My advice is simple.

Quit discussing anything wedding with her.  Quit discussing your relationship with her.  Quit allowing her to be as involved in your child's life as you are. 

 Invite her to your wedding.

She shows up or she doesn't.  The end.

Brooklclark

we are having the same proble with my MIL she doesnt want to atend our wedding. that is there issues. Best result she comes and worst she doesn’t you still get to have you day and marry your best friend.  

theshaffers3350

Thank you all so, so much for the advice. You've all said things that I've thought about LOL! The past 2 days have been hell and I'm to the point where I'm not even answering phone calls from her during the day. Who knows? Maybe, with the wedding date being so far away, she will come to her senses and understand that yes, I am a grown woman and this is a good thing. A GREAT thing. I'm very lucky to have a great support system (friends and other family members) that support my decision and are already planning stuff more than I am!

Again, thank you all so much. You all just made me feel 100% better!

sof0830

Good luck and hang in there. Yes, quit discussing it with her and perhaps she'll come around. Wedding is still some time away, it could change. But, giving her space and giving yourself space to enjoy this time for yourself is key. My best!