Getting 2 Stepsons

ChrislovesBarry

Hello All. 

I just wanted to see if any of you have advice for me.  My FI has two sons (10 & 12).  We've been dating for 4+ years now.  The boys are pretty good...most of the time.  I would say I have a challenge with the 10 year old most.  Over all he's good, but even after all this time is very distant.  I know I'll never have that relationship like he has with his mom, but I'd like a little something.

Sometimes, he doesn't even acknowledge when I talk to him...like saying Hi or can I get you something.

Is there anything I can do besides being patient to help build this relationship?

Any warnings for those recent brides with stepkids?  How did you incorporate them into the wedding?

Muffin'sMom

Have their dad talk to them and ask them what they want to do.  That way they won't feel pressured.  Cheerfully accept whatever the answer is.

I think you have to accept whatever it's going to be.  Time, and the fact that you are officially married may soften the lines for him.  Also, he's hit the age where they are headed into pre-teen...they can be completely strange. 

My DD's new husband has an 8 year old son.  He was the "best man."  He carried the rings, stood next to his dad, and then at the reception gave a speech/toast with is soda.  He was SO cute.  Heather also spoke to him during the ceremony and promised to be there for him.  It was good.

He is also figuring out a relationship with two new "grandparents".  He is very close to my SIL's mom, I don't want to compete or get in the way.  So, we have stepped back and let it go slow.  He calls me FiFi (a childhood nickname for Phyllis...my sister couldn't say my name.)  We also have a pool, so he has LOVED my house in the summers.  We have the rest of my life to figure out how we'll be.  I'm not rushing, and so far he's comfortable.

AbbeyS2011

Take things slow.  If you and FI are living together before the wedding and he has a joint custody agreement with his ex, that can be really hard on the kids. 

Remember this: he is seeing his Dad with another woman - that is strange to him, even after 4 years.  Who knows what is being said at his mothers house.  I speak from experience as I was 8 when my parents divorced and my father remarried a year later.  I was resentful of my stepmother for many years; now we get along fabulously.


When the 4 of you are together, ask the boys what they would like to do - a special outing, watch a movie, go to a water park, or whatever.  If the boys say they want time just with their Dad, then respect that and give them that space.  Will it be hard? Yes.  Bridges are built slowly, one board at a time.

right1thistime

He may still be holding out for his parents to get back together, and YOU are the obstacle to that.  (I know that's not true, but he's young enough to retain magical thinking.) Making your relationship with his Dad permanent closes the door to his wish even more firmly. 

If you find that he is ignoring you and it bothers you, that discussion is best held with his Dad.  Ask his Dad what HE expects from his son when adults are speaking to him.  Let his Dad offer the correction, and decide with his Dad what your role will be in enforcement.  For example, Dad may say, "DS, when adults speak to you, the polite thing to do is to respond.  I expect you to be polite.  So when Chris says Hi or asks you a question, I expect you to answer her politely."  Then if you and DS are together w/o Barry, and he doesn't answer you, you are authorized to say, "DS, remember that your Dad wants you to answer me.  That's the polite thing to do.  Let's start over- Hi!"  Friendly, calmly and directly.  At the onset of step-parenting, my personal opinion is that the bio parent needs to maket the rules, but that both can enforce.  As the relationship builds, the step-parent can be "on their own" with rule making a little more. 

And what Muffin's Mom said is absolutely true - the closer you get to teenagers, the stranger they get. ~Donna

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_getting-2-stepsons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7b3fa41c-a7e2-4957-937e-8af48bbb7dbcPost:5c708bf4-821f-41ca-96a9-2977f07f5353">Re: Getting 2 Stepsons</a>:
[QUOTE] And what Muffin's Mom said is absolutely true - the closer you get to teenagers, the stranger they get. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Believe me, as the mother of a 17 year old, the mood shifts @ pre-adolescence are only outpaced by the hormonal shifts to follow.  Dad should be able to help.

Hang in there!!

right1thistime

I know of which I speak.  I am the mother of a 20 yr old girl and an 18 yr old boy.  I have lived in crazeeland since she turned 13. 

MikesAngie

Step-children are tough and need to come to terms with things on their own, boys and girls.  There may be something going on at his mom's house that makes him feel quiet and shy when he's around you. 

Kids really struggle with loyalty, and they love both their parents so it's tough to know how to deal with dad's friend (that's how he sees you) so ignoring you is the best option in his eyes because then he "can't like you and be disloyal to mom".

It may take your FI talking with his boys about the changes they are facing in creating this new family.  They are lucky boys to have two immediate families who love them and they will need to learn to be respectful of the new adults in that have now become family.  This is a good time to talk about relationships and polite behaviors.  Above all the boys need to know that they are loved - period.

Communication is key, so talk calmly with your FI about your concerns, and remember that the boys need  you and dad to be a united front.

Teenage hormones are the best! (NOT)... My FI's daughter (17) is all over the place emotionally right now.  She and I have a very bonded relationship so I get all the "Mom" stuff.  Her biological mom is out of the picture for the most part. 

My FI's daughter will be 6 days away from 18 when we get married and she is going to be escorting my FI along with his mom into the ceremony.  Her gift will be an old birthstone ring of mine that we had plated in rhodium (so that it's white gold now) and sized for her right hand.  This was her choice.  She's also hosting a teen table for her cousins and 2nd cousins that are close to her age; her choice as well.

arv266

My future stepchildren are 19 and 22, and even at this age I have had my challenges.  I wish I had better words of wisdom, but all I can add is, be open and patient.  The best I can do is to provide an enviroment that is loving, warm and welcome.  Remember that the way he acts today as a 10 year old is not how he will be as a 15 year old or 20 year old. 

I have a 10 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.  Oh joy oh joy.  And we just adopted a 1.5 year old hound/retriever mix. Full house. And they are all one of a kind!  My daughter has a complete love/hate relationship with me, which is both amusing and painful. 

Parenting in any way, shape, or form is hard work!  BUT it is sooo very worth the effort.

We're all here for you, whether you want to rant or share good moments. 
- Aurora

wwnbw

i'm getting 2 boys as well! 10 and 3. we have lived together for a little over 2 years and the 10 yo lives with us full time (moms every other weekend). we have a pretty good relationship but i think that is because his mom is not so involved. the 10 yo will be the best man and 3 yo is our RB.

Sue-n-Kevin

Wow, I love all the wisdom on this board above!

Here's our situation:
- We don't live together, and only see each other on weekends
- We've been dating 3 years, and won't marry for another year
- I have a 23 y/o son (no problems at all), a 16 y/o daughter; He has a 30 y/o daughter, 29 y/o son and 17 y/o daughter who just had a baby

The only one who's been difficult from a "relationship between us" standpoint is my daughter. Her dad married about 3-4 years ago, so I figured our wedding would not be a big deal. WRONG! She STILL had hopes her dad & I would reconcile even after his wedding! Plus (TMI time), I think the idea of my fiance & I sleeping together, in the same room she knows her dad & I did, was for a LONG time a bit disconcerting to her. She always has fun with my fiance, he's a great guy, but the "spending the night" thing always turned her off. She's better with this now after 3 years, finally!

It's never easy blending families, ever. We can't resolve issues in 30 minutes like the "Brady Bunch" did. One of my top 5 favorite movies is "Parenthood", because in my life of raising kids I think to myself how many problems a person could really have, and it's never easy.

BUT, having said all this, and reading everyone's posts above, there is always something I remember Jackie Kennedy Onassis said: "If I do nothing else well, I will raise my children well". With your fiance's help, you'll do a great job. You asked a very pointed and poignant question here, and got lots of advice. Sometimes it helps just to vent, and sometimes you will get great advice.

If you know any other step-parents, amongst your family and friends, just have talks with them. It always helps to have support. But to me, the best thing to have is a SENSE OF HUMOR!!!! Life is too short to feel overwhelmed, and sometimes you just have to think it over and laugh, even if you have to wait until the evening when you are alone with your fiance.

Best of luck to  you.

lmeade62

Hello -

I'm in a somewhat similar situation...my fiance has a 14-year-old son - 15 in less than a month. He's a great kid, very bright and a little shy. His father and I have known each other for five plus years...we were friends first, and that's when I met his son for the first time, but I didn't see him (the son) again until about a year or so ago. I had some very good advice, and my fiance planned the whole thing pretty brilliantly, IMO...I spent time with his sister, mother and brother first and got to be good friends with them. The first time the SS saw me with his father, as a girlfriend, was at a family gathering, which took a lot of the pressure off of both of us. Plus, a mentor of mine, who happens to be a child psychologist, gave me great advice, very similar to what you've already read here: take it slow, don't push it, let him set the pace, be polite but not overly friendly. At first, I thought he didn't like me, because he ignored me too, but gradually he's warmed up, and as he has, we've done more things with just the three of us. Now he's spent two weekends at my house with his dad. We don't sleep together when he's here, though.

I've had the same question about his role in the wedding. I suggested that he be the best man, but my fiance is wary about that, afraid he'll feel like he's somehow "approving" of the wedding and thereby hurting his mother. I never want to put him in a position where he thinks he has to choose, so we'll play it by ear. The words of wisdom I've read here have been very helpful in that regard...thanks!

Linda

LesPaul

We've been married 1 year; together 4.5 years.  My daughters are 17 and 19, his daughter is 17 and son is 20.  It has been infinitely more difficult than I expected.  Teenagers (even the good ones) are just crazy, and can be real jerks - often.  I hope to have a relationship with my stepkids someday, but right now it's distant.  It doesn't help that their mother is extraordinarily difficult, and has filled their heads with all sorts of lies about DH (I have written proof of some of the lies).  We just have to wait it out, and hope that as they mature things get better. 
As far as the ceremony, they were all our BMs and GM and stood with us, but we didn't ask any more.  That part was fine.

ChrislovesBarry

Thank you all for your great advice.  My FI and I are going to work together on this.  It's hard now because I don't live with them and see them all just on the weekends. 

We're also going to talk to the boys about if they want to stand up with him, or sit down during the ceremony.  I want to present them both with a gift and say that I promise to be a good friend and mentor...and thank you for sharing your dad...thank you for letting me love them too.

I will just be patient...and remind myself that I can't be the only one to FIX this.  They have to be on board to, and to try to look at their side.

Thanks everyone!

lmeade62

With that kind of consideration for their feelings, you will do GREAT! Best wishes and prayers!