Second Weddings

The dilemma of the registry...

Quoting RetreadBride from another post (didn't want to hijack that one!):

" ... I told everyone who asked about a registry to just please come.
  Some folks will not show up to a wedding without a gift....and I ended up with a closetful of white elephants. "

I go back and forth on this, the dilemma of the registry.  FI does not want to register (we're combining two complete households); he prefers contributions to a local charity which delivers meals and groceries to people with critical illnesses.  I do not want to register either, but RetreadBride has given me reason to reconsider.  I am seriously afraid of the chili pepper lamp! 

I wonder if we tell guests who inquire about a registry if there is a polite way to add something about a contribution to the charity to Retread's  "... just come please."   I have seen several posts on other boards slamming this idea (politely and not-so-politely).  

What do YOU think?  (1) Is it rude to mention charitable contributions to those who inquire about a registry?  (2)  If it is okay, what phrasing do you recommend?

Re: The dilemma of the registry...

  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If there is an inquiry I think its safe to request that should they want to give a gift you would prefer that they donate to the charity you support most, and if that is not doable to donate to a similar charity in their area. You can be gracious about it and thank them for wanting to do something for you and your groom but you would both appreciate a charitable action or donation be done.


  • edited December 2011
    I'm meh about the directed charitable donation.  If you are ok with them making ANY charitable donation, then suggesting that is ok - to me.  But what is they want to donate to the XYZ foundation that supports something you absolutely cannot stand?  And although your charity sounds fine, what if your guests feel absolutely opposed to that cause- or to the rules of that organization? 

    Your registry doesn't have to be household items.  You can register for books, music, hobby items, outdoor items, or what have you.  Like Retread said- you must have some things you would like to be the two of you's.  We knew we were buying a new bedroom set with any cash we got.  So we registered for new King size sheets and other bedding.  ~Donna
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the wording suggestions.  FI and I will discuss some more, certainly.  Luckily, we have many months to go before we mail the invitations, thus lots of time to make a decision on registering. 

    I'll tell ya, though, this (registry dilemma) is truly the only aspect of the wedding that makes me feel like eloping.  Seriously.  I fear that doggone chili pepper lamp.
  • nmauser82nmauser82 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, If asked someone what to get them and they told me to donate to a charity, I probably woudn't ever get around to it. Not that I wouldn't want to, or that I don't think the charity is worthy, just... I don't know. I wouldn't feel like I was giving my friends/family a gift. I can donate to charities any time that I want. My friends only get married once in a while. Does that make sense? I'd feel like I still owe them a gift.

    I would probably just end up giving them cash in a card that they can do whatever they want with. I'd rather them give the money to the charity themselves if they so wish, or buy a set of towels. That way at least it passed through their hands. My gift was given to them, not to a third party.
  • edited December 2011
    Lisa - While I didn't receive the chili pepper lamp, some of the gifts we did receive were truly lovely, but not stuff we need or could use.  Even though we DID register, I think people thought because it was a second wedding, that we had not. 

    And as far as NMauser's words about not getting around to it, a friend's father recently died, and in lieu of flowers, donations to a charity were requested.  I have good intentions, but keep forgetting to send the check. 

    I think second time couples actually feel (consciously or subconsciously) that they don't deserve a gift.  As if weddings were one shot deals.  Oooh, your life blew up, your marriage died, you made a bad choice--- no more presents for you.  Certainly there are some guests who feel that having gifted the member of the wedding that they knew before once already, that they have no obligation to do so again.  Which is fine, of course-- no one OWES anyone a gift.  I'd rather someone who felt that way just skip the gift giving anyway.  I don't want them to make a donation or whatever if they truly don't want to.  It all boils down to those who wish to give a gift.  Why not give them some ideas about what would make you happiest?  It's not a demand notice, or an admission ticket or selfish or greedy.  It's one more gracious thing you do for your guests.  ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    Lisa,

    I think that it all comes down to one basic question... Do you want gifts?  My FI have combined our homes, and have lived with each other for two years.  At this point, there is nothing that we want or need.  The only thing we want is for our guest to show up.  

    No gifts means no gift. If you say no gifts, but then register, in my opinion you are saying :

    We don't want gifts that you chose, but will accept the gifts that we selected.  KWIM?

    What ever you decide, I would make your feelings know via word of mouth, and not in your invitations.  Information concerning your registry (or lack of one), as well as donations to charity, should not be included in your invites. 

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:d0d09749-39c3-4556-8858-0d73eee46841">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lisa, I think that it all comes down to one basic question... Do you want gifts?  My FI have combined our homes, and have lived with each other for two years.  At this point, there is nothing that we want or need.  The only thing we want is for our guest to show up.   No gifts means no gift. If you say no gifts, but then register, in my opinion you are saying : We don't want gifts that you chose, but will accept the gifts that we selected.   KWIM? What ever you decide, I would make your feelings know via word of mouth, and not in your invitations.  Information concerning your registry (or lack of one), as well as donations to charity, should not be included in your invites. 
    Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

    Bottom line for us, truly, is that we do not want to register.  Period.  And, arv ... I have absolutely NO compuction to create an invitation that has anything beyond the request for company at X place, Y time .... on Z date and a quaint "R.S.V.P." in the lower left corner.  I'm old school, baby, old school.  In fact, I make the "girls" on the other boards have fits when I mention that I will likely not have a response card in the invitation.  No worries re: etiquette from me.  LOL!
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:63ae3fda-bb2f-42e3-8cf5-1f727ce18acc">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't like charitable donations. I view them as a request for my money, just as I do honeymoon and house registries.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Yeah, I understand that -- many, many people don't like charitable donations.  And, as I mentioned in the OP, I have been slammed (politely and not-so-politely) by others when I've brought this up on TK in the past. 

    I understand and, honestly, am not so sure I'd want to go in that direction, although we are certain those in the circle of family and friends we're inviting would not have a problem with it (as a group, that's how we are).  But that's neither here nor there ...

    We really, truly don't want anything from people, except their time and company, on the evening that we exchange our wedding vows.  We just want to share the celebration with them -- enjoy good music, have a wonderful meal, and dance the night away.  We're lucky we don't want or need a doggone thing, <u>except</u> each other.  :)
  • edited December 2011
    Lisa,

    You had me at the use of the word compuction!!!!  Your original post had something along the lines of "how to phrase" and I jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I am right with you on the old-school school bus! 

     


  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Speaking for myself, the people we are inviting know we are combining 2 households. They've received wedding invitations in the past. With no "registry location" noted on the invitation, should they ask, we will just reply with the standard "we need NOTHING, your company is enough for us".

    If they feel compelled to provide a gift, other than the rare personal choices they may make, we figure they'll give a check. No biggie.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:471e95e3-8e33-413c-bbab-f680635bb0d7">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you've already decided you aren't going to register - why the discussion, then? Just don't register!
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Because <em>your</em>  doggone <strong><font color="#ff0000">chili pepper lamp</font></strong> keeps haunting me!!! LOL ...  And I'm always open to other perspectives.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:27701b05-e86b-44c9-aa3e-5c11e29d7a89">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lisa, You had me at the use of the word compuction!!!!  Your original post had something along the lines of "how to phrase" and I jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I am right with you on the old-school school bus!   
    Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I like to think of myself as a classic.  It is interesting, though, how so many new trends have become so standard that newer brides cannot imagine how we (the older generation) ever hosted a wedding without ... fill in the blank.  Ha!

    And ... to hijack my own post ... the example of the invitation with R.S.V.P. written in the lower left corner <u>is</u>classic.  I have yet to write that in a post on any board other than this one without causing a ruckus.  Hee hee!

    Anyhoo ... I'm sure I'll go back and forth on the registry thing a few more times and come to the conclusion to <u>not</u> do it.  It's my dalliance into true fantasy.  There really isn't any other facet of the wedding/celebration on which I'm undecided or even near wobbly.  I'm sure it says something about my psyche ... or nothing.  On that note, I think it's time to hit the sack.  It's been a long day, week, month, year .. you name it.

    And .. not to hijack my post in another direction, I'll post a NWR update on life stuff going on later this week (after my job interview on Thursday morning ... YEE HA!).  Good night, ladies ...
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:f5ace5ba-a835-45fe-a25f-2d4ba439f680">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Oh, yeah....how could I forget? The Chili Pepper Lamp is enough to give anyone nightmares.....</strong> How about this? Your wedding is in July. Wait until around January to decide for certain, and to register if you do decide to do it. That should help eliminate the possibility of anything you select going on clearance, the new lines for spring and summer stuff will appear, and you'll have several more weeks to ponder on it. Just about anything is fair game for registries now, with so many couples combining households. Camping equipment, gourmet cookware, romantic movies....
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    YOU forgot the nightmare of the chili pepper lamp??  Man, oh man, that makes me laugh and shiver, alternatively!!  Waiting 'til next year sounds like a good plan.  I'm tellin' ya, whenever I think of the chili pepper lamp, I can't help but think of the leg lamp from The Christmas Story and it goes downhill from there ...
  • edited December 2011
    If for nothing else- registering often gives you a small (10%ish) completion discount for the month or two after the wedding.  We used that to finish up the bedding. 

    You can get 10% off pretty easy without registering most of the time- so its not that compelling - just something else to muddy the waters.  ~Donna
  • melissamc2melissamc2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We only registered for things we'd buy ourselvevs in the next year.  Did we "need" any of them?  Of course not.  Did we want them?  Absolutely.  This way, people knew what we'd appreciate, we'd get what we would have purchsed on our own anyway, and everyone was happy.

    We also, MUCH to our surprise, wound up with a lot of cash, checks, and gift cards.   I think having a registry helps give an idea to those who really have no clue - OR just don't want to put a lot of "thought" into it.  That doesn't mean they don't care, they just don't want to try to guess your taste.

    I'm anti-donation for gifts and/or favours.  If you picked an organization that I have issues with (PETA leaps to mind), I wouldn't donate one penny and would get you nothing for trying to passively "force" me to do something I feel strongly about. 

    People usually WANT to give you something you'll like - but should never have to cave on their own moral or political views to do it.  Everyone wants a snow cone maker, just admit it. ;)
    10-10-10
  • edited December 2011
    Lisa:

    Isn't it fun telling them how it used to be done; I'm enjoying every minute of it.  Good luck without the response cards.  My invitations did included the response card and, of course, a SASE.  The RSVP is Saturday, and I am still waiting for about 25% of my guest list to respond.  I can only conclude they are either having difficulty finding a mailbox or are expecting an invitation from the Obamas on that evening. 
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:94896766-91e0-4e43-ace8-ed26520416da">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lisa: Isn't it fun telling them how it used to be done; I'm enjoying every minute of it.  Good luck without the response cards.  My invitations did included the response card and, of course, a SASE.  The RSVP is Saturday, and I am still waiting for about 25% of my guest list to respond.  I can only conclude they are either having difficulty finding a mailbox or are expecting an invitation from the Obamas on that evening. 
    Posted by Alexmom2[/QUOTE]

    You crack me up!!  I know, from the first time around, that phone calls will be required to nail down those final responses ... <u>that</u> certainly hasn't changed in the last 20 years.  LOL!  I wish you the best as you get those Y/N marks filled in.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:bb06877f-1679-42e8-a065-1b484567feee">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Those who won't respond to RSVP won't respond to a response card, either. Used them for the first wedding. We even put postage on the self-addressed return envelope. How much trouble is it to mark YES or NO, include the number attending, put it in the envelope, and drop that in the mail? Too much for some  people.  I had to spend two hours phoning people the day before the final number was due to the caterer. Sigh.....
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Yup!  I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'll need to call about 20% of invitees.  That's fine.  It is what it is.

    The cool thing is that having just an invitation gives me more money to spend on my letterpress indulgence which are, above everything else, <strong>the splurge</strong>of the wedding.  Yay!
  • lynnmfranklynnmfrank member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel your pain. We are combining the household of two very independent adults who are both foodies--meaning we have lots of kitchen stuff.

    My sister married at age 36, after years of having everything she needed.  She found that people kept asking her what they wanted so she and her now-husband broke down and registered for new towels, kitchen utensils and some unusual things that had always wanted like rice bowls, at the very affordable Crate and Barrel.

    My finace and I are following suit and have realized that a nice set of french porcelain tableware from Williams-Sonoma is in our posse's price range at $48 per setting, and will look better than the very used stuff we have.  We also found that things like the pannini maker we'd always wanted to have but haven't bought ourselves, would be a welcome addition to our household.

    Trust me.  If you've got stuff, some of it's worn out and it will make your family and friend's celebration of your wedding special for them if they can gift you with something.  Someone else needs your old stuff and will enjoy it if you recycle it and contribute it to a charity. 

     As my mom once said to a cousin-bride at her shower, "We all get a turn.  Today is yours."  Enjoy.
  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I plan on registering even though FI and I have lived together the past 2 years.  We have stuff that needs updating and with 2 little boys in the house, things break and get lots of use - I just replaced our electric griddle 2 weeks ago because my boys must have pancakes for breakfast every morning...

    I also plan on answering this way when someone asks what we would like for a gift:  We like to eat out, so a restaurant gift card would be nice. 

    I see no harm in being honest when someone asks me a question like that.  Guess it is just me getting old LOL - I just turned 40!

    I am not expecting any gifts but I know that family/friends will want to give us something, and as my grandmother used to say(and I do now):  "Don't ever deny someone the chance to bless you".
    Anniversary
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_dilemma-of-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:7c51becd-d29f-4374-8c0b-d03e22eb9829Post:c20e8407-e65d-4f93-ab84-235601df8e23">Re: The dilemma of the registry...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I plan on registering even though FI and I have lived together the past 2 years.  We have stuff that needs updating and with 2 little boys in the house, things break and get lots of use - I just replaced our electric griddle 2 weeks ago because my boys must have pancakes for breakfast every morning... I also plan on answering this way when someone asks what we would like for a gift:  We like to eat out, so a restaurant gift card would be nice.  I see no harm in being honest when someone asks me a question like that.  Guess it is just me getting old LOL - I just turned 40! I am not expecting any gifts but <strong><font color="#800080">I know that family/friends will want to give us something, and as my grandmother used to say(and I do now):  "Don't ever deny someone the chance to bless you".
    </font></strong>Posted by AbbeyS2011[/QUOTE]

    Hmm ... now <em>that's </em>a good reason to register.  I like it.  Thanks for sharing that, AbbeyS!
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