Need help managing Mom

vtvet04

Good Morning Ladies!

I need some help handling my mother's expectations and demands.  My wonderful FI proposed to me just a week ago on Sunday on the beach.  He did all the "proper" steps in speaking with my Dad (who couldn't keep this secret to himself and spilled the beans to Mom) before he proposed.  I called them shortly after the proposal and they seemed so happy for us.   

I call my mom every day.  On my regular daily Monday call, she began talking about our wedding.  She says really hurtful things to me about what is supposed to be a celebration.  "You're not planning on wearing a wedding dress, are you?  That's just inappropriate.  You should get a nice dress from a department store that you could wear to church again.  And invitations......we should just go to WM and get those invitations where you fill in the blanks.  I can't believe you want to go to a printer to have them made." 

All of these words came less than 24 hours into being engaged.  My father isn't much better.  He's mad that we are planning on getting married before my bro and his FI are.  (They are having a HUGE wedding and will have been engaged for 15 months before getting married.  We are older, second time around and want to have a very small, intimate ceremony.  We really don't feel the need for a long engagement.) 

She makes snide, sarcastic comments that really hurt.  My FI tells me that I have to talk to her, but she is the type of person who it won't make a difference.  It will just make her very angry and the situation worse.  I am actually going dress shopping (at a bridal salon) without her because I just don't want to hear all the comments about being a second bride and wanting a wedding dress.  Why shouldn't I want to look like a bride for the love of my life? 

Thanks for listening.  Any advice is welcome!

right1thistime

Stop talking to her about the wedding.  I presume she is not paying, and therefore her opinion has little bearing on what you choose to do. 

"Actually, Mom, I intend to wear a dress that symbolizes how special of an occasion this is."  "I will choose the wedding invitations that portray how important this celebration is in our lives."  "My brother and his fiance will not be affected by the date of our wedding, since its a good 6 months before theirs."  "Thank you for your opinion, what WE are planning is..."

I wouldn't bother having a talk with her, I would just master the icy stare of death, and figure out how to use it over the phone.  For example, "...pregnant pause, throat clear, say 'well, then", and change the subject to something like the weather." 

Also, this is just me, but I wouldn't talk to her every day, either. ~Donna

handfast4me

I didn't have the opportunity for my mom and dad to meet my second DH, they passed away many years ago.  So, first thing, be greatful that your mom is alive and well, and able to give you a hard time.  :-)

That being said, you mom may have grown up in an era in which second weddings were always just a JOP or in the church with very few people in attendance, the bride wore a blue suit, and cake and punch were served aftwards.  (I'm in my 50s, and I remember those days!)

Things are vastly different now, and I'm not sure how you can do it kindly, but maybe somehow you can show your mom what second weddings are about now? 

Sue-n-Kevin

Welcome, and congrats on your recent engagement.

The above ideas are great. If your parents are not paying, they don't really get to have any input into the type of wedding you want with THIS husband to be.

While I just had my first marriage in August, I may have been "worse" in your Mom's eyes: I had 2 children outside of marriage..............horrors! AND guess what? I wore white!

If sitting your Mom down and talking to her about will not make any difference, then just plan your wedding and invite the people you want. My parents are in their 80's and while I'm sure they had many of the same feelings your parents have, they kept it to themselves. I rarely discussed my wedding with them, their only involvement was getting new clothes to wear, and a contribution of $1000. They love my new hubby, and had a pretty good time at the wedding.

If it were me, I'd actually still try to have a sit down with her to let her know her comments are hurtful, that people celebrate second (even more!) weddings, and you don't need her blessing to plan this wedding, but it would be nice if she could bite her tongue and just allow you to be HAPPY.........isn't that what all parents want for their kids? I pray every night that my kids are happy in their lives. I have to believe she probably feels the same deep down inside her 1950's heart.

Yes, it sucks that your parents aren't as happy as you are about the wedding. My recommendation is to let them "tsk, tsk" their way through it all, and you can invite them and hope they have a good time.

You might also print some things off from this forum and let her know that brides celebrate weddings in ways that she may not agree with, but we celebrate nonetheless.

Good luck.

renjon7798

I think our mothers are related.  My mother is actually horrified that I might invite some of her friends to my wedding and this will cause her so much embarassment.  They adore my FI and support us being together, but they don't understand why we are having a wedding.  We are paying for it all ourselves so I have taken the advice PP's have given you.  I simply refuse to discuss it with my parents.  I see my parents every day, they live less than a mile from me, yet I don't talk anything wedding with them.  On the very rare occassion they ask something, I simply tell them my planning is going fine, then I change the subject.  They will get an inviation and I hope my dad will walk me down the aisle with my son, but I simply refuse to include my mother on any planning.  It might sound rude or harsh, but given my relationship with my mother, it's simply easier to not include her.  I tried asking her to come look at dresses with me, and I got pretty much the same reaction you did.  I cried and cried about it.  My FI tried talking to my parents about it to no avail. 

Love your mother for who she is and maintain a healthy relationship with her but if wedding talk will cause stress to either of you, OR will put stress in your relationship with your mother, it's better for both of you to keep your wedding planning out of your relationship. Just saying...

ichellemay1

Retread, handfast, and right1 all hit the nail on the head.

ceceibson

OP, I feel your pain.  My mother is the same way.  I'm not "supposed" to allow myself certain things because it's not my first wedding?  My first husband left me for another woman.  My second died of cancer.  I think I am far more "entitled" to celebrate the joys of marriage now than I was way back when, thank you very much!

Here's what I wrote earlier today on another thread:

Shut this down now, before she gets any worse, LOL.

This isn't my first wedding, my mother isn't paying and I'm nearly 50 years old [SO is 60+].  Yet my mom cannot talk about my wedding without the "You should....", "You shouldn't...."  "You need to...."  "I can't believe you're....."

Or my personal favorites, "Surely you're not going to...." As in "surely you're not wearging a big white dress."  "Surely you're not having a hundred people."  Blah, blah, blah.

I finally just said, Look, you're driving me nuts, so let's get this all out of they way so you have time to deal with it.  I am getting married where and when I want.  We are having the kind of wedding we want.  I am wearing a big white dress and it cost a small fortune.  But it was nothing compared to what I spent on shoes.  Our guest list right now is at 250 and it will probably get bigger. We are having 3 parties before and after the ceremony, all with too much food and open bars. I've hired a band, am gong all out on the flowers and there will plenty of little surprises.  So there.

handfast4me

 I finally just said, Look, you're driving me nuts, so let's get this all out of they way so you have time to deal with it.  I am getting married where and when I want.  We are having the kind of wedding we want.  I am wearing a big white dress and it cost a small fortune.  But it was nothing compared to what I spent on shoes.  Our guest list right now is at 250 and it will probably get bigger. We are having 3 parties before and after the ceremony, all with too much food and open bars. I've hired a band, am gong all out on the flowers and there will plenty of little surprises.  So there.
Posted by ceceibson[/QUOTE]

Love that.