Second Weddings

Disowned?!

I posted on here not long after I first joined about some wedding drama with my father not being sure he wanted to come to our wedding.  Well...it turns out that there was a lot more to that than I was aware.

Friday, while I was at work, I got an email from my mother.  I went ahead and opened it, assuming it was their travel plans, since the last time I had spoken to her, about a week ago, she had said they would both be there.  Well...instead, it was a huge wall of text, barely coherent and without much punctuation.  She went through everything I've done since age 14 that has upset her, many things I didn't even know she'd been holding a grudge about.  At the end, she told me that she and my father were considering disowning me.

I was shocked to say the least, particularly since I'd been on the phone with her only a week before, happily discussing the kids and recipes.

There's obviously a lot of details I'm leaving out because they are very personal, but the main issue is that my FI and I are not the same religion that I was raised in and tensions about that have been brought to the surface by this wedding, even though it is a civil wedding, not a religious one.  Although I have not been the same religion of them most of my adult life, I had no idea the extent to which this bothered them until now.

My response was just to tell her that I love her and Dad and that I'm sorry that they are hurting this way and that I am here when they are ready to talk.  They have cut off communication since, not answering calls or emails.  I can't help but think that she will one day regret so many of her hateful words and that they will regret missing our wedding.  While I'm open to the idea of a relationship with them, I think it would have to change and have some serious boundaries for me to feel comfortable and safe.

I'm trying not to let all this dampen my happiness at planning our wedding.  FI's parents will be there as well as our friends.  I'm also thinking that my parents likely just need time to get over this.

The one thing that has helped is trying to keep a sense of humor.  I thought up worse ways my mother could have told me that she was disowning me, bad as email is.  She could have texted it, with a KTHXBAI at the end.  She could have tweeted it to George Takai.  She could have done a facebook status update and the entire family could have "liked" it.  She could have sent a LOLcat or ended her email rant with a rickroll link.

My FI thinks it's more likely that my father refused to go to the wedding and, rather than just be up front about it, my mother was hoping to pick a fight with me by being hateful and then not have to feel guilty about skipping it.

Thoughts?  Ideas for coping and not letting this get me down?

Re: Disowned?!

  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited April 2012
    Wow, I am so sorry to hear what happened to you.

    I am a parent. What your mother did is inexcusable, and although you are trying to make sense of it, or justify it someway, it is abuse and I could not imagine getting past it. How you choose to handle it in the future is your business. If it were me (and I can't imagine any parent doing what she did), I'd lay low and stop trying to get an answer. Leave it for now.

    I know it is hard to compartmentalize what happened, but focus on your wedding. I also would recommend if you are not currently getting any type of professional counseling, you consider it. You don't need to make sense of what her diatribe was about, just learn how to handle it for yourself and your future relationship with your fiance, other family members and your friends. Life is long, and this type of incident needs to be talked about with a professional.

    Good luck.
  • Trust me, I spent a lot of time in my 20's with a therapist, working through how to deal with my family.  It was a long process, but I'm very glad I did it, particularly now!  I think part of the problem is that it's easy to want to believe that your family has somehow gotten better, that the problems you had with them were specific to a certain period in your lives.  I had gotten to a point where I thought things were healthy between us all and had, to some extent, forgiven and forgotten the past.  I think a lot of their issues right now come from unresolved grief from the death of my brother a couple of years ago from cancer.  My family has not dealt with his death well and have, as is their way, refused to get counselling.  Unfortunately, I'm yet again the easy target for them to focus on rather than their own problems.

    In any case, your advice is absolutely right.  I'm lucky in that we live far apart, so it isn't difficult for me to leave them to themselves and focus on my own life.  They either will come around...or they won't, but regardless, I will have people who are happy for us and love us there to support us at our wedding.  I'm planning on giving my mother's corsage to a close friend and, other than that, it only means fewer invitations to mail.
  • Oh my.  So sorry for you.  Just please remember that you can't control others actions.  You did exactly the right thing, you told them you loved them, and now it's done. 

    Unfortunately, some people are not good to have in our lives, and sometimes those people are relatives.  I feel strongly that those folks are here to teach us something, but sometimes we've learned that lesson and now we have to move on.  If your parents choose to be this way, you can't unchoose for them.  Yes, I believe they will regret this, but it will be THEIR lesson to learn.  You can't learn it for them. 

    Have I told you about the time I "fired" my sisters?  LOL.  They've since been re-hired, but still. . .   
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  • I am really sorry that you're going through this!  I'm glad you're able to be strong and have a sense of humor, I would be in a corner in a shoebox for a little while.  I think you're doing the right thing giving them time and going ahead with your plans and I hope that they're able to take their heads out of their behinds before your wedding. 

    I well understand wanting to think your family is healthier than they really are, especially moms.  I hope one day they can be and you can have a better relationship with them.
  • So sorry to hear this.  Cannot imagine what it was like to read that email.
  • ((((HUGS))))  Whoa!  I am very sorry you got slapped with such a miserable, nasty email from your mom.  You are so fortunate to have discovered all the tools you need to deal with this.

    I think your fiance is lucky to have you!  Keep your chin up!!!
  • ((((HUGS!)))) Sometimes our family by blood make things harder rather than easier. The ladies have offered so great suggestions and I think you handled it all rather well.

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  • :( Love your parents from a distance. Still send them an invitation. Go ahead with your plans. Sweetie the world will not stop. Keep it moving and plan your special day!!
  • My sympathies!  If misery loves company, perhaps it would be helpful to know that I have had no relationship with my mother since 1994.  And that on my birthday last year, my father sent me a note saying that he wasn't wishing me a happy birthday, but was congratulating the "woman who almost died giving birth to" me.
  • That's horrible and cowardly to send you an email like that. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you're handling it well, and like a grown-up (unlike your parents). You could still send them an invitation, though after an email like that, I don't know that I would in your shoes.

    2dBride, damn. I'd probably have sent a note back stating that any further contact like that will constitute harassment, and to go f himself. 
  • I think this ALL has to do with religon and they are digging up BS from the past to justify their reasoning. If I were you I would show up to their house and say lets hash it out right here right now! Some people who are religous dont see any other views then their own and its hard for people to accept that there are other options in this world. Its not a one way street. 
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  • Wow...that totally sucks.  Big time.  I'm sorry about all of it! Your brother, your parents....
    I would be a puddle of emotional goo!  Humor is definitely a great tool! However, I would dig up that old therapist's number - just to have on hand in case. 
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  • Wow-I can completely relate. I too chose a different religion from my parents when I became 20 and was promptly kicked out of the religion. I have struggled for years with my parents over this (I am now 31) and am finally in a good place. My father wrote a letter the month I got divorced stating he only had one daughter-my sister-and he would always remember me as the little girl I was, not the woman I had become (a successful woman who supports myself with a college education). 

    Best advice is to create those boundaries if they pursue a relationship with you. Chances are they will but remember in your heart who they truly are. It was brutal for me to face that my parents may not be the loving parents I had thought but in the end, I am stronger for it and it has made me even more determined to be successful. My mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and we talk more than we have in 10 years. She still doesn't ever ask about my life, etc (she just asked my fiance's name recently and we have lived together for 2 years). However, my FI helps me to set a time limit when I talk to her. I give her five minutes and if she hasn't asked about my life (which she rarely does) then I inform her that I love her but I need to go. It has helped me to feel in control of the situation and not being used again. It also avoids the guilt used with the religious issue.

    I also had to remind myself I was not 12 anymore and it is not acceptable for anyone to treat me that way. I wouldn't allow a friend to do that so I now have to remind myself that just because it's my mom, it doesn't make it ok. That helps me when I get sad and miss her. Remember to offer your unconditional love but don't place your love in a way that it can used against you. Best wishes!
  • Thank you all for the wonderful support and advice.

    My mother still isn't speaking to me, but I did talk to my father last night.  We talked about the weather and other superficial topics, but I got what I wanted most...to know that everyone up there is ok.  I don't think it's realistic to expect much more.

    I'm moving forward with my own plans.  I don't see any point in a face-to-face confrontation with them.  They live halfway across the country and I know it would likely only be a waste of time and money and not resolve anything.  They aren't religious, so this is more a conflict of my being religious itself than what religion I've chosen.

    In the end, they'll either come back around or not, but while it's good to forgive, I need to stop forgetting that they are capable of these kinds of things and opening myself up to be hurt.  I need to accept the limits of my relationship with them in a healthy way.

    So far...I think I'm doing pretty good with it.  :)
  • I too have been disowned by my mother, and it was over my FI.  He hasn't always been a good boy (been to prison a few times) and she lost it.  There are a lot of details that I too am leaving out because honestly, it's nobody's business.  But anyway, this happened 2 years ago and I have barely spoken to her.  I think I spoke to her 2-3 times since then and she was always presenting herself with a "feel sorry for me" attitude, not an apology ever.  I just wrote her off.  I am not her first victim so she clearly has issues and I don't want that around my family.  As hurtful as it is, take some time to grieve the relationship, but then move on.  The way I've been dealing with it is by realizing that my mother has been "dead" a long time because my mother would never have said the things she did 2 years ago.  I don't know who that person is and I have no interest in getting to know her. 
  • I can understand fully. My adopted mom has pulled stunts like this ... all you can do is keep your chin up and trust in the one closest to you when you need it. Cry when you need to laugh when you can and scream into a pillow. When its all to much. I'm really sorry that your parents are like that ... unfortunately there's way to many of thoes people. In this world *hugs*
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