Second Weddings

My Second His First Issues

Ok so here's the dilema. I was married once before to my daughters father, yet our marriage wasn't work rubbing two pennies together.  So at  any rate, now that my finace and I are getting married, we are looking at paying our own tab.  My parents feel that they spent the money on my first.. which I understand.  Here comes the hard part.. His parents feel my parents should be contributing. .but not only that.. they also feel that we should have the ceremony in st louis .. 4 hrs from here because its not fair to ask his family to travel... but mine should because there are 10 less of us..... My mom  feels that my fi and i should not have a big wedding at all. She thinks since its my second wedding we should go to the jop.. any suggestions?

Re: My Second His First Issues

  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    She who has the checkbook gets to decide.  If you want to do something that your mom and your FMIL don't want, either save for large wedding and reception, or, as your mom suggested, have a small intimate wedding.

    Although DH and I could have afforded more, we decided that we wanted it just to be the two of us, on a beach.  It was incredibly romantice and intimate.  Although many brides who've bought into the wedding industry don't call that a "real wedding" it was to us.


    In the end, you'll have to decide if you want the money with string attached, or to do something else. 

    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • jeannigirljeannigirl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes pay for your wedding yourselves then you can avoid all this drama with the relatives. Do what you and FI want you pay you don't have to deal with any of it. Have your wedding the way you two want it.
  • edited December 2011
    I feel your pain.  Families can really ruin things!
  • edited December 2011
    Just because this is your second marriage does not mean the wedding can not be everything YOU and your FI want!  Do it your way, in the end it wont really matter to anyone else.  These are your memories you are building! 

    Good Luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    Parents are only obbligated to pay for one wedding, if that.  So pay for it yourselves, and do it the way you want.  It is customary for the bride to get married where she lives, and unless you want it otherwise, do it there.  Let FI's family travel.  My mom isn't happy that I'm going to spend $4000 on a cake, but its that or no cake.  The wedding is huge, and I'm on a gluten free diet.  I'm paying for it, so I think she had no right to say anything.  Though after that, I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "Parents are only obligated to pay for one wedding" 

    Uh, NO.  Parents are not obligated to pay for anything EXCEPT the roof over your head and your food and clothing until you're 18.   So, although some do, it is NOT an obligation. 

    Also, SoontbeMrsHicks, I now know your first and last names, your area of the country.  A quick google search could reveal a lot more.  You will want to change your screen name to something else for security reasons.  Just some friendly advice. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_second-his-first-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:84178eaf-b1d8-4965-a4eb-6ca241decabaPost:f8b5c874-412b-45c6-bbec-6bb6cdff8262">Re: My Second His First Issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Parents are only obligated to pay for one wedding"  Uh, NO.  Parents are not obligated to pay for anything EXCEPT the roof over your head and your food and clothing until you're 18.[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree.  I think it is awful ANYONE expects their parents to foot the bill for their wedding.  My parents paid for my first wedding, it was in Vegas and cost a whole $400.  I would never even think to ask them for any financial support this time around.
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  • bitsy_pixiebitsy_pixie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey there,

    Weddings are supposed to be a joyfull time not a time for fights and arguments.

    I would put my foot down and say to his parents thanks for the offer but we will pay for this wedding  ourselves and we will get married close to home.

    Why would you want to travel for your own wedding?  That is crazy.
    Getting married 4 hours away is so silly everytime you want to meet with the marriage cellebrant, have a rehursal, re check your venue for this and that.  There will be many trips back and forth checking things and doing things at the location thats a 4 hour drive and probably a stay over time off work etc.

    You want your wedding venue close so you make as many trips there as you want so you can get in your mind how you want your decorations where you want people to stand etc.

    There is one way around it and that is to book and pay for a cellebrant and a venue now and yourselves!  Once the venue is on your marriage licence it can't be changed Smile

    All the best!
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Uh, bitsy, they're called "Destination Weddings" and I had one.  It was on a beach, which DH wanted.  There aren't too many beaches in Atlanta.  That's ONE reason why you have a wedding to which you must travel.  The other reasons are too numerous to mention.  Elderly parents, parents paying for everything :-) and so on. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • edited December 2011
    SMDH at this whole post
  • Ken&CassKen&Cass member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm in a similar situation. My parents can't understand why I'm having such a big wedding this time, last time it was pretty small and informal, because I couldn't really afford to have a nice one at the time and no one was willing to help me pay for it. My advice is to do what you want to and pay for it on your own. Anyone giving you grief can be given the, "this is what I want and since your not paying for it you don't get an opinion speech". Also, I am having my wedding out of my home state in the place where the majority of our guests live, and I don't think it's that big of a deal. All of my immediate family will be travelling but it will still cost them less then it would for everyone else to travel and they don't mind doing it because either they'd be travelling to where my relatives live or they'd be coming to Colorado. Either way they are travelling, Colorado is actually farther for them.

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  • edited December 2011
    This is my second marriage my FI first. We are fortunate enough that his father has contributed quite a large sum of money towards our wedding. I did have one issue in the beginning of the planning stages. My FFIL was planning on giving us a set amount and then talking with my father and expecting my parents to contribute the same amount. I told him (in a nice way) that my parents paid for my entire first wedding so therefore i am not expecting them to pay for ANYTHING for this wedding. If they do decide it will be there choice as to what and how much they would like to contribute. They have graciously given us money not only towards the reception, but also my dress and are paying for the rehearsal dinner. This being way more then i had expected them to...honestly i wouldn't have cared if they just showed up to the wedding with an empty card for us...as long as they are there.
    . My FI is an only child so i think this is why his dad has offered to help in such a large way. I'm grateful to all of them for their generosity and can't being to thank them enough for what they're doing for us. We're also having the wedding and reception in one location close to where the FH and i live. My feeling is that if people that you invite want to be part of your special day, they will make arrangements. This day is about the 2 of you, not making it convenient for everyone else.

    As a few of the other brides to be have said...parents aren't EXPECTED to pay for anything which i agree 110%, they do this because they love us.
  • edited December 2011
    do what you want girly it's your day. If his family pays they have a little bit of a say. My mom is paying our venue and his parents our rehersal dinner and we are paying for the rest. Although we picked our venue my mom wanted candles on the tables and I didnt and she pulled the.. "Well I'm paying for it card" so I dont want her paying anything else. So I said ok to candles to shut her up! It is my 2nd and his 1st too. I told him we should have planned and paid for everything and told them all when we sent out invitations... less stress!!! :) But to late now. So good  luck! DO WHAT YOU WANT IT'S YOUR DAY!
  • edited December 2011
    Very sticky issues. All due respect handfast, but you had very few vendors to deal with for your wedding. That's much easier than having a Large Destination Wedding, when there is more than one meeting with most vendors. She clearly doesn't want this.

    I am a much older bride (52) so I wouldn't even think of asking anyone to help paying for our wedding. If I couldn't afford to have a wedding I wouldn't have one.

    It is true he who holds the checkbook, has the decision making power and when it comes to weddings, and the emotions involved I felt it better to be the decision maker, and did I mention I'm Greek? So I have my big fat Greek family to deal with too. They do not butt in and neither does my FI because they know I am paying!!!!

    I made a budget and planned accordingly. Everything is on track for me and I'm 6 months out. With all due respect to my fiance, he actually offered to help me pay for some of the more expensive elements of the wedding, like half of the catering and bar, which I graciously accepted!!! He is also paying for the rings, men's attire, honeymoon, my hair and make up and my bouquet too!
    Best of Luck to you!
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