marriage 2nd time around

efoley1388

I was married to my highschool sweetheart for nearly 4 years and together 7 years. I married at the age of 19 as I thought he was the one. for 3 of those 4 years I worked 40-50 hrs a week paying the bils and making ends barely meet. My ex barely worked at all and didn't try to help the situation as well as didn't put forth the effort of our relationship. I wanted to go to school but with us barely making ends meet that was impossible for me to do. I finally said enough was enough and we seperated in January 2011 our divorce just finalized but in the meantime I've been with this great guy who loves me dearly and we support each other 100% He's a soldier and I work 40hrs a week in a call center, we are about to get our own apartment together. We've also been discussing marriage this winter...I know it seems really quick but we love each other. I moved away from everything I know to be with him near base. I do not have any kids from my first marriage. His parents adore me and know of my past and they approve of us getting married.

right1thistime

So you are 23-24?  Are you asking for advice?  Here's mine:  slow it down.  I know the military encourages couples to be married.  I know that anything can happen.  You have been with this guy less than a year, what is the big rush? 

Why do I say this?  Because you are only young once.  You've spent 7 years of your youth married and working and being the adult in the relationship with a child partner.  Your current partner is in a career that will take him away from you quite a bit.  You will be a single woman, taking care of yourself, alone a lot, but married.  You will have all the responsibility of the couple life, with none of the payback.  Why would you willingly do this to yourself. 

There are more than 4 men in the world.  Maybe this guy is absolutely the perfect man for the adult you.  But how the heck would you know?  You started dating your xH when you were still an adolescent, which is not adulthoood. You went right from your marriage into another committed relationship.  When are you going to date, to discover all the variety of men/ partners/ friends?  I know it feels safe to be in a marriage when you just spent so much time there.  But you are cheating yourself, and I guarantee that at some point, you will look back and say, "What if I had dated...?" 

If this guy is the one, he will wait for you.  He will still be the one when you have had some fun, lived independently and gained some perspective on life.  If he can't date you without marrying you, read that as a red flag. 

There's plenty of adult women who have gone from divorce to remarriage in a whirlwind.  If that's what you choose, I wish you well.  I just think that you are missing out on developing yourself as a woman and a person, rather than as half of a couple.  ~Donna

handfast4me

I'm with Donna.  I have a 25 year old daughter, so about the same age as you.  And here's some science for you:  The human brain does not finish developing until age 25.  And that's just the physical side.  The emotional side needs MUCH more than that to mature.  So,  take it slow.  Many of the women I know have jumped into another relationship at a much older age and found it was a "rebound" relationship.  You will not be evicted from the earth if you're not married.

Also, and please take this as I'm saying it in a really, loving, nice, tone of voice (which is hard to project via message boards):  If you posted like this on many of the other boards, you'd get flamed--you will need to use periods at the end of your sentences, and paragraph breaks where appropriate. 

Trifury2007

Right1 and Handfast could not be more right about this.

Please take a step back and think about what they have said for both your sake and his.

jessib33

I also got married at the age of 19 and divorced at age 21.  And while I was devastated when he found someone else, the years I spent single and "finding myself" were some of the best years of my life.  Sure, I was often lonely, but I also moved across the country twice without asking anyone. I tried new foods and went on singles cruises and had the time of my life.  And now I feel I'm ready to settle down again with no regrets.  I can honestly say I really know who I am now.

I'm not saying you shouldn't marry again, but why not take your time and be sure? And what about pursuing that college degree you never got? That would also give you financial security, whether or not you're married.

Avion22

I'm active duty military.  I got married the first time around at 23, and we had been together for four years.  Four years into our marriage, my husband died.

I'm now 30, and getting married again.    It took me a while to get back into dating after my husband died.  I did date a little bit.  Mostly a lot of first and second dates.  The first real realtionship I had was with my now fiance. 

My advice would be to not worry too much about marriage just jet.   Yes, the military does unintentially push people into getting married before they might be ready.  So far my fiance and I have resisted this pressure (even though I'm stationed overseas and he doesn't have health insurance).

If it's right, which it very well might be, it will still be right if you take things slowly.  Make sure that you are okay with spending time apart, as he will most likely get deployed or be gone for long periods of time.   If you can make it through a deployment while dating, then start to consider marriage:-)