He had a big wedding, I eloped. We want to get married, but want different things. Causing tension i

ilianashible

I am 32 years old and got divorced last year after almost 7 years of marriage and one child. My marriage was OK the first couple of years, and then things got really bad. My ex wouldn't give me a divorce for 2 years, and when he finally accepted, I learned from 2 friends that he had been cheating on me.

I was devastated. I gave up my country (I am from Latin America), a wedding (we were broke after spending a lot of money on immigration lawyers and forms), my family and a good-paying job for nothing.

A year ago I started dating again. I met Ryan, a handsome and fit guy who is divorced like me (he has no kids though). It was love at first sight, and we were a perfect match for each other.

After a few months, we inevitably talked about the future. While we both envisioned being together, his memory of an over-the-top wedding and exotic honeymoon (his marriage lasted less than a year) taught him that a wedding is a big no no. I, on the other side, long for a beautiful ceremony (it does not have to be grandiose, just meaningful). I started feeling resentful because he is financially ruined because of that and because for him, a wedding "is just for show". 

Fast forward six months later. I was waiting for my period and nada. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I was on the pill. I called Ryan, who at first was shocked, and then became really excited.

He talked about our future, getting a house, raising a baby together... I got really enthusiastic about it. I wanted to wait at least a couple years, but alas, God had other plans. We announced the pregnancy to his family and everybody was really happy.

Since we started getting a lot of pressure to get married, we decided that the best for us was to live "happily unmarried". 
While I was 5 months pregnant, we had an ultrasound to find the sex of our baby- it is a boy. He was so happy (glowing I'd say!) he wanted to go to my favorite restaurant to celebrate. Upon our arrival I noticed he was extremely nervous and sweating profusely. We were seated, ordered some food and boom! He proposed.
So, here I am, 6 months pregnant, trying to figure out how to have an affordable wedding despite the fact we have very little money. I feel very depressed because it seems only rich people can afford weddings. His parents can't help- they contributed $10,000 to his previous wedding. So, with a baby on the way, us not living together and family not able/willing to help, I am wondering whether to cancel the wedding or pospone it indefinitely. 
Any words of advice? Have you been in a similar situation? I am sobbing while typing this. *Feeling overwhelmed and hormonal*

Jells2dot0

A marriage is not about a wedding, but rather the committment to one another. I was married previously and had an exhorbitant wedding- one that ran into the six figures. It wasn't what I really wanted (it was my parent's wish), as I really wanted to elope and have a private, intimate ceremony. After all of that, I ended up divorced! Flash forward to this year, I married my sweetie in an ultra private ceremony- just the two of us. I had my dress made by a co-worker's wife, his outfit was just a white linen shirt and linen pants, and there were ZERO guests- just us, the celebrant, the photographer, and the wedding coordinator at the resort. Taking away all of the travel costs associated with where we chose to marry, our entire wedding, minus my rings, was under $8K, including the photographer, which I splurged a bit on ($3K). Part of the cost was a foreign transaction fee and a lot of it was just things the resort happened to have in their pre-packaged deal that you could probably forgo. I had a fake bouquet since it was in a national park; no music; no special cake (cupcakes made by the resort); and didn't wear shoes or any fancy jewelry other than my rings. It was freaking AMAZING and wouldn't have changed anything. I see you are in Maine. I think you could have an awesome private ceremony somewhere along the beach or the coast there. It doesn't have to cost a lot to be perfect. Trust me- six figures and a divorce later, I know.

ilianashible

Thanks for sharing your story and the lovely picture! For me, a private ceremony would be almost no different than the depressing "wedding" I had. It was a cold February morning, no dress, no friends, no gifts, no celebration. It was kind of "sign on bottom of paper" and you are done. I caved in because my then fiance told me the marriage is not about the wedding (true, but it does not have to be the awful depressing and lonely experience that it was). I am still scarred from that, so I want this one to be a celebration with family and close friends. I do not want (or need) a flower girl, or bridesmaids, or man of honor...I don't even want a rehearsal dinner. I want my wedding to be a celebration and not a "production" YKWIM? 

Jells2dot0

I'm sorry to hear that you feel a private, intimate ceremony is depressing. Please consider what Retread mentioned. If you find fault in that, I'm afraid noone will be able to help you.

Avion22

So many people see weddings as either A) JOP in a courthouse, or Big Expensive Blowout. In reality, there is a LOT in between.   

All you legally need to get married is the two of you, a license and maybe some witnesses, and an officiant or celebrant (check your state/local laws...in Colorado couples can self-officiate, and several states allow internet-ordained friends or relatives).    You can add anything else you want as your budget and personal desires dictate. 

Have you considered getting married in your back yard?  In a local park?  Historic home?  Arboretum or botanical garden?   Gallery or museum?  Zoo or aquarium?    If you invite guests, you will need chairs (can be cheap rentals -- you could maybe borrow from your local VFW hall, church, or community center), and you will need to feed people afterward (can be cake and punch, appetizers, or a full meal catered by your favorite local BBQ place, Italian or Mexican restaraunt, etc).

Sit down with your fiance and figure out what you envision for your big day, and then start pricing options in your area.  Use the Budget Weddings board for ideas:-)

ilianashible

We are both renting an apartment, so no backyard wedding here. I was thinking about a simple beach ceremony, a barbecue with family and friends, lots of yummy food and great music. The problem? Every place that would allow us to have a ceremony/reception costs no less than $4,000!! And that is without catering. Maine is wonderful- but tourists drive prices up for everybody, specially during high season.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_he-had-a-big-wedding-i-eloped-we-want-to-get-married-but-want-different-things-causing-tension-in-the-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:8d7ce18b-35db-424c-bb17-3e74c99afd5aPost:945acbca-acfe-4c8a-91d4-b328566d0044">Re: He had a big wedding, I eloped. We want to get married, but want different things. Causing tension in the relationship :(</a>:
[QUOTE]We are both renting an apartment, so no backyard wedding here. I was thinking about a simple beach ceremony, a barbecue with family and friends, lots of yummy food and great music. The problem?<strong> Every place that would allow us to have a ceremony/reception costs no less than $4,000!!</strong> And that is without catering. Maine is wonderful- but tourists drive prices up for everybody, specially during high season. :(
Posted by ilianashible[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Have you looked at beaches that are part of National or State Parks?   

</div>

MikesAngie

There are many ways to cut costs on a wedding.  

Cost saving ideas:

   DIY your own floral items - purchase fresh in bulk or silk flowers

   DIY your invitation printing on appropriate stock or check Vistaprint

   Wedding dresses can be found at consignment shops as well as Davids or on-line

   Food items can be simple 

   Photography can be done by a college student or

   Purchase disposable cameras and let your guests take candid shots

   Many items can be purchased either in bulk or gently used (no one will know) 

  

And there are many more ideas and areas that you can save money.  

The issue that I am "hearing" though isn't about whether or not to get married but the type of ceremony.  You had a sign on the dotted line, he was involved with a PPD (Pretty Princess Day), and it sounds like you both cannot compromise on the event.  

Pick a time that is convenient for both of you when you are both relaxed and feeling open, and talk about your wedding as though it has already happened - what did you enjoy about the day, what were the special moments that you will hold in your heart.  Then plan your wedding according to those ideas within a budget you can afford.  It can be done. 

ilianashible

I have. Some have very strict ordinances- we could have a ceremony, but not a barbecue. Or the ceremony must be held during weird hours to avoid "inconveniencing" the public. Who wants to get married at 8 am? That is why I ended up looking for venues, but they are expensive or they do not allow you to bring outside catering, which brings the prices up. 

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_he-had-a-big-wedding-i-eloped-we-want-to-get-married-but-want-different-things-causing-tension-in-the-relationship?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:8d7ce18b-35db-424c-bb17-3e74c99afd5aPost:215cd87c-8389-45fd-bd2e-5729cf8ff4cd">Re: He had a big wedding, I eloped. We want to get married, but want different things. Causing tension in the relationship :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I have. Some have very strict ordinances- we could have a ceremony, but not a barbecue. Or the ceremony must be held during weird hours to avoid "inconveniencing" the public. Who wants to get married at 8 am? That is why I ended up looking for venues, but they are expensive or they do not allow you to bring outside catering, which brings the prices up. 
Posted by ilianashible[/QUOTE]

There has to be a way for you to have a wedding on a low budget. you don't have a backyard but do you have a family member willing to let you borrow theirs? if your local state park is 4k, can you maybe look into marrying in a neighboring city with a short commute between ceremony and reception or event and guests?

I get that you have a bitter taste in your mouth from your last wedding but this is a new chapter, you can't live your life associating everything to your previous marriage.You can always have a very intimate ceremony with family and friends followed by a very casual laid back reception.

Check your local board, they'll be able to help you find a budget friendly venue.

Sue-n-Kevin

There is a LOT going on in your life. I'll add my perspective, which is part of my life story.

Being pregnant does not mean you have to get married; I had 2 children and did not marry either father. My first child is a 25 y/o son, the second is a daughter who is now 18. My son's father was never in his life, my daughter's father was.

My daughter's dad & I lived together for 5 years after she was born. We talked a lot about marriage, but our relationship, in spite of multiple counselling sessions over several years, was never secure enough to sustain itself for long. He left when she was 5 but still sees her often and they adore each other.

Fast forward to over 5 years ago when I met my now-husband Kevin. We clicked. He's wonderful and we got married in August of 2011. 

Kevin has a daughter who is now 20. She has 2 daughters from two different fathers. She married neither, and is not with either of them at this time. She lives in his old house.

I understand totally that you love this man who will be the father to your child, and plan on marrying him. But you are under multiple stressors, including what you gave up to come to this country, the fact you have a child to raise and are expecting another. You are under stress as to what type of wedding to have. I think it is time to take a break and do what you said you want to do, which is live "happily unmarried" for now. It is not up to others to decide you "should" get married, and the fact you are engaged does not mean you HAVE to get married before your child is born. There is no shame in having a child before you are married. I suspect there are a lot of failed marriages that occurred because someone felt the pressure to do so because of pregnancy. There are a lot of failed marriages when NO pregnancy existed beforehand. 

Relationships and marriage are not destinations, they are a process and journey. You are on a journey and need to take a breather. It is simply my opinion, but based on my very long life and experiences, have the baby, work on your relationship with your fiance and children, then plan a wedding that makes you both feel like you are getting what you want. This quote from Avion22 says it all:

So many people see weddings as either A) JOP in a courthouse, or Big Expensive Blowout. In reality, there is a LOT in between.     

Good luck with everything you are juggling.

Lisa50

Any words of advice?  My advice?  Put the wedding on hold and focus on a healthy, happy pregnancy.  Use this time to figure out (and clarify) how the two of you will co-parent.  There is much to do to get ready for the baby.

Have you been in a similar situation?  I have not been in your exact situation, however I was in a wonderful relationship and became pregnant while using two forms of birth control (my OB/GYN jokingly called me "Fertile Myrtle").  We'd talked about getting married -- one day.  Fast forward.  We accelerated the wedding. I allowed my hormones, guilt over an unplanned pregnancy and societal pressure push me into an unplanned marriage.  We separated 5 years later; the divorce was final 2 years after that.  I am a big fan of one major life change at a time, if it is at all under one's control.

((HUGS)) The hormones are going to rule, you know that.  Breathe. Take things one step at a time.  I wish you the very best!

MrsH86

Hello,

My situation was different, but let me explain. My ex husband and I became pregnant while dating, and we rushed into a marriage to please our families. We got married a few months after our daughter was born. I had a small, yet traditional wedding with only immeadiate family invited. We got married at a restaurant in a mdeium sized banquet room, and had the reception (which consisted of lunch, and a few drinks) in the exact same room. It helped us save on cost and they decorated it nicely and I did alot of the extra stuff myself! It had a nice outdoor terrace and it was simple, yet elegant. So maybe consider a venue that is not as large? I was on a tight budget, and we made it work! But what I really wanted to say is, planning for a new baby and planning a wedding at the same time was very stressful. Now we are divorced... but I look back and wonder why I pressured myself and stressed myself out so much. As you know, it is easy to get worked up and emotional while pregnant. Maybe for now you can start saving photos or ideas of things that you like, and after you have the baby and things settle down with a new routine, then you can plan the wedding that you are dreaming of! Just dont try to do to much at once, and try to focus on one big life event at a time. Baby first, then wedding. Trust me, you will be happy that you waited and didnt rush 

lindseymon

My advice is to stop comparing everything this time to your previous marriage - BOTH of you. Just drop all of those bad feelings, memories and all of it. What purpose is it serving? Instead of saying "this happened last time so i want to do the exact opposite", find a happy medium for THIS TIME. You're starting a new story, not re-writing the old one. You both need to compromise. As a PP stated, a marriage is not about the ceremony and all that. It's about the two of you creating a life together (literally haha) and setting things up for your soon-to-be family unit. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with living spaces, the baby and all that. Why add the pressure of a huge wedding? That could harm your pregnancy. I would deal with the pregnancy and living situation first and deal with a wedding later, when your hormones aren't raging. Both of you need to be in a good, happy place with a willingness to compromise on the things that are important to the other with regard to a wedding.

ilianashible

Thank you ladies for all your responses! I am feeling emotionally vulnerable right now and your experiences and suggestions have been extremely helpful. I am not in a hurry to get married. I actually do not want to be a pregnant bride (no offense to those who have done that). We are both teachers, so summers are the only time that would work for us, not to mention that his family lives all over the US (Arizona, Maryland, New Hampshire and Florida). They all come to camp here in Maine during that time.<div>
</div><div>We had originally planned the wedding to take place in the summer of 2013 but that is just 3-4 months after baby is here. On top of that, we do not have any money set aside for a wedding (however small it may be). I suggested Ryan to postpone the wedding until the following summer. He was not happy about that. "I don't want to wait that long"- was his answer.</div><div>
</div><div>Now he seems annoyed every time I bring to topic up. That makes me feel sad and discouraged. On Sunday we went to the jeweler to have my ring resized. I asked how much it would cost to have another ring (the one I got from my ex) appraised so I could sell it on Ebay. I learned that since my ex had bought the ring at the same store, they would credit 75% of the actual price my ex paid for it. No cash, just exchange. I was excited about using that as credit towards my new wedding band. Ryan on the other hand, couldn't hide how annoyed he was by the whole thing. </div><div>
</div><div>I am now seriously considering cancelling the wedding. I do not want or need the pressure. Family and friends keep asking about the date and our plans, and I can't give them a straight answer and I do not feel comfortable discussing those things.<div><div>
</div><div>I found the comment  below to be the most accurate about my current situation. I can't seem to let go of the pain that my previous marriage caused me and I am jealous Ryan would allow his ex to have a fabulous wedding when he wasn't even making as much money as he is now (not that he is making that much anyway). I feel shortchanged when he puts restrictions of what it could be our wedding. He claims I am the love of his life- but he will not consider my wishes. I do not want a replica of that ceremony- I just want something that is meaningful to me, but all he wants is a quick ceremony at the city hall with his parents.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]My advice is to stop comparing everything this time to your previous marriage - BOTH of you. Just drop all of those bad feelings, memories and all of it. What purpose is it serving? Instead of saying "this happened last time so i want to do the exact opposite", find a happy medium for THIS TIME. You're starting a new story, not re-writing the old one. You both need to compromise. As a PP stated, a marriage is not about the ceremony and all that. It's about the two of you creating a life together (literally haha) and setting things up for your soon-to-be family unit. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with living spaces, the baby and all that. Why add the pressure of a huge wedding? That could harm your pregnancy. I would deal with the pregnancy and living situation first and deal with a wedding later, when your hormones aren't raging. Both of you need to be in a good, happy place with a willingness to compromise on the things that are important to the other with regard to a wedding.
Posted by lindseymon[/QUOTE]

</div></div></div>

Jells2dot0

It definitely sounds like you two have A LOT of talking to do. It sounds like you both are hung up on your previous marriages- not just the person, but the ceremony and just the way life was in those marriages. I, personally, happened to be on the same page as my DH when we started talking about weddings, but had I decided I wanted a big wedding, he probably would have put his foot down. He makes about 3x more now than he did back then and I'm a different person. Is his behavior right? Well, maybe not, but when we first starting talking about marriage, I don't believe either of us were ready for it. It sounds like you two aren't ready either and as disappointing as it may be to one or both of you, you really need to have some long chats and get a lot off of your chests about how your previous relationships guide you in day to day life. Some of those feelings may be legitmate, but some of them, at least to me, seem like you either need counseling or you need some room to grow to move on from them.

MikesAngie

To me all of your posts on this thread ilianashible are about the lack of compromise and the large amount of hurt and guilt you both are carrying with regard to your previous marriages. Counseling should be on the agenda, especially since there is a baby due to arrive soon.  You both appear to be holding on to the past and not seeing  your future lives together as a couple. Letting go of one's past isn't easy but it is necessary to move forward and be happy (with yourself and your partner). 

Before you talk of marriage or what your ceremony should be - TALK with a counselor. 

ilianashible

Here is an update: 

I spoke with my mom about my feelings. That was a bad move. She told me that my wish of having a wedding was "ridiculous". She simply could not understand why I consider marriage such a big deal. I was not pleased with her comments, specially considering she recently got married for the very first time (in Vegas, no less) at age 56. 

I was so emotionally disraught that I decided to call his mom. I am glad I did. She listened to me and validated my feelings. I needed to vent badly and have a fresh perspective from someone who knows my fiance better than I do. She explained to me something that I couldn't understand before. I am not looking for a wedding, but validation. My first "wedding" was anything but. Now that I have found love again, I want to feel loved and validated. When her son expressed less than enthusiasm about the wedding, it affected a very "raw" part of me. 

To my surprise, she offered to pay for most of the wedding. "I want you to have the wedding of your dreams sweetie".  I cried and thanked her for the gesture, but after having contributed $10,000 for her son's first wedding (which took place only 4 years ago) I simply can't take her offer.

A few days later, Ryan came home to see me and seemed to have a different attitude. He took me back to the jeweler, we were able to use my old engagement ring for credit towards our wedding bands and he enthusiastically chose a very nice gold wedding band.

Later that very night, his uncle called and asked "how I was doing". His family *really* loves me and I think they are trying to help us out.

In summary, I am feeling much better. We very likely have to postpone the wedding until summer of 2014. Not happy about having to wait, but there are plenty of other brides out there that have to wait as well because of financial or personal reasons. Now I feel it is time to focus on my pregnancy. I'll still be on the forums because looking at wedding stuff is just too addictive and exciting! 

  

Jells2dot0

I am SO glad you were able to talk to someone. Talking out things makes a huge difference, whether the outcome is positive or negative. There are a lot of emotions surrounding marriages and even more so for second marriages. Depending on the person, it could take years to work through the scars left by a divorce or the loss of a loved one. When the emotions aren't dealt with properly, then it causes people to hold themselves back and hurt others without even knowing it. Yes, it stinks to wait, but at the end of the wait, you'll have the wedding you have always dreamed of and be marrying the person you love more than anything. Plus, waiting allows you time to continue to work through any other issues that arise and allows you time to enjoy the birth of your child and work through the craziness and excitement surrounding the birth.

ilianashible

Here is an update on our plans:

On Christmas day, we went to my fiancé's aunt's home for a family reunion. I noticed on the wall a picture of my fiancé on his wedding day with his ex. I was surprised since no one in his family likes her or is even in contact with her. I tried to ignore my feelings, but then things got a turn for the worse.

My FI's dad started giving us (but mostly me) a lecture. He said our priorities were wrong, that a wedding is ridiculous and that he married his current wife (and mother of my FI) in a courthouse with no bells and wistles and didn't even have a honeymoon. She, just like my FI, had a big wedding and she divorced her husband (my FI bio dad) when Ryan was a baby.

No one in his family spoke up. I then said that the main reason for postponing the wedding a year and a half was so we could save some money and have a small, meaningful ceremony. But it was obvious that due to the lack of support (from his family and mine), and all the bad moments and angish this 3-month engagement has cause, I decided to cancel  the engagement.

His family is now in panic mode because they think I am leaving him. I am not. We are still moving in together and I am due in less than 3 months. It is just that the wedding/marriage thing has been so tainted with pain and negativity, I am working on getting used to the idea of never getting married again.

Strangely, I feel a lot calmer now. Ryan on the other hand believes I am going to change my mind soon and keeps telling everyone the wedding is just being postponed and then after baby is here, we may reconsider. 

Thoughts??